我喜欢信息那头有你也在等待的感觉。。。
因为我知道，信息那头总是有个人在陪着我。

还是暗恋最好。。。

暗恋至少不用担心对方喜不喜欢自己，更不用担心会吵架，会分手。。
虽然暗恋很累，时时刻刻都担心着对方开不开心，幸不幸福。
但是，暗恋时至少还可以对对方好。。
一旦表白了，朋友都很难做。。

我还是暗恋好了。。

today was a tiring but enjoyable day~~~ i really happy~~

well.. this morning i slept until 自然醒。 althought i like to sleep alot, but 自然醒always make me headache and restless for the day. but during my offday i really do like to sleep~

anyway, the point is i'm pretty tired coz i slept too much.. then suddenly my sis told me there is a rehearsal at eden. i was planned to watch movie marathon, but screwed up by my sis... haiz... but luckily u dun mind.. actually i really wanted to watch cz12 with u... may b next time ba~

when watching movie time, luckily u brought shinyan came. she just nice became the buffer between u n i. u noe what she told me in toilet? i say i prefer sit at the side, then she say, "i want to sit in the middle, wait, am i blocking u and tzyy jiun?" lol... i was really surprised~ lol.. but i think she just kidding. if not because of her, i might b really impulsive.. that's very good decision u made. =D

then i went for rehearsal, saw chua jia ying there. now she's very pretty and imba~~ she dance for the song we sing. then the rehearsal is quite time consuming... my sis n jiaying is quite picky. this not good tat need to change.. blah blah blah... so at the end i'm quite tired.. sing classical need to use a lot of strength... n i end up with broken voice... so from today onwards, i need to preserve my voice liao...

then when i got home, i realised i dun have my key with me.. lol... 太习惯ady... always u fetch me home, i really forgot to put it in my pocket.. lol... then the bbq is boring... coz i'm not really close with them, then i couldn't eat the bbq stuff too much coz of my voice.. so whole night is quite boring for me.. when i reach home, my mum is very angry. she is frus with my nephew coz he refuse to sleep. then my mum also quite tired ady. so i dare not go out and leave her with the baby alone. when my sis come back, i need to wait for her car to go coz she blocked my car. then i finally can go out, my mum wants to tag along. lol.... i dunno what's she thinking of. but i did nothing wrong, i have nothing to hide anyway. so i just let her follow lo..

i dunno la.. today is so tiring, but when the lights is off, i became more and more 精神。 weird me..

fug.... i cant SU my math....

anyway, next sem i will definitely fight until i get A for math. coz the F+A = D. so i'll only get 2.5 next sem... damn~~~

today is so chui... i was planned to tell my mum about my past, so i wanted to ask my sis for help. but then my bro wanted to tag along, so i decide not to say it now. but then my sis kept pressing sia... stupid ttm!!!

then we go buy stuff and walk walk.. at first is really enjoyable, coz i seldom go BP ma, so tons of stuff attracts my attention. after finished all my money on food, we went to eat dinner, suddenly my mum cried sia.. all of us so shocked and dunno what to do. ask her eat she also dun wan. ask her what happen she also dun say.. like damn angry to us... wa...

then i also din eat much lo... eat mango salad as my tea-time only.. once i reach home, i straight away sleep... too tired liao... when i woke up, my mum say she want to use my fon, so want me to exchange with her... do all the transfer of the contacts is a total waste of my time... so troublesome.... i hate it ttm coz mac is not compatible with nokia. so i need to manually send the contacts one by one via bluetooth.. fug.... then after i use the sim card to transfer, i delete my contacts so that i can import my mum's contacts from her fon. then i was idiot. i didn't check first. so 750 contacts in my fon, i only manage to transfer 250 to my new fon. crap...  furthermore the fon is so hard to use... the keypad is so closed tgt and not similar to neither galaxy y nor n900. i kept pressing send instead of delete.. omg.... *facepalm

not the day for me i think... so tired.... and the sun burned starts to itchy liao... aiyo..... suey ttm...

Again... I dreamt of ppl passing away...  Wth is going on???

I hate crying in my dream.. make me so exhausted... n I always wake up with muscle cramp every time I cried in my dream.  I really hate it.

Today I dreamt of YingRu, my ex. I dunno why... and it's  the same scenario. I didn't See her in the dream. But I saw her family members. I cried... so badly until I Couldn't breath... I think I couldn't take it when my love one passed away in reality.

What is this dream trying to hint me? 

Today went to Legoland~ so wake up early in the morning and rush out~ forgot to apply Sun block.. at the end my skin got Sun burned.. 

At there I met Jeff, a colleague from RC. She is butch, then my mum also saw her, n ask me m I one of them.. I was like... lol...  sst got a lot of Tom boy la~~ then I Faster change topic. She also din ask more.

I think she knew. I can sense it. But I dun dare to admit it before she ask me about it. I scared she can't take it... but I dun wish to keep it from her anymore... the more secret I kept to myself,  the lesser topic I can chat with her. Always worry when will I say the wrong thing or when will she Disowned me.. but to b Frank, I do wish to get support from family and friends.. I'm weak in self control...

Anyway, I'll take the advice.  1 more year. I'm not sure at that time I'll b straight or pure les, but I think I should b able to face it..

I failed my maths..  the worst result I had ever get... I dunno what to do next...

Please dun tempt me anymore... I m trying very hard to control myself here...

Phew.. Christmas isn't my favourite season of the year... 

so tiring...  full of tasks and duty... didn't really rest enough in this 3days. But I still enjoy the time spending with my family.

Today I'm really glad that u came. Although u missed most of the interesting part of the performance,but I still glad u came.

I glad u still willing to share your problems with me. I Noe I can't do anything other than pray for u. Thanks for sharing your trauma with me. I know it must b painful to u. Thanks for regarding me as your friend.

I thank god for everything he did in my life. All good or bad enriched my life experiences.. and made who I am today..

Okay~ Christmas is done~ coming up next is new year celebration... OMG...

好害怕。。。。

一见到你，似乎我所有的努力都白费了。。我好不容易终于想摆脱，可是面对你我还是无法自拔。与你种种的回忆，还是缠绕着我。。

我这次真的想改变。
但要我怎么做才能不畏惧地面对你？。。。

是不是又要多三年？。。

I still can't believe this is true...

I received a Christmas present from YingSze. A Venti size Starbucks tumbler. I'm totally shocked and stunned..

I was wanting to get a tumbler as Christmas present actually. But when I knew tzyy Jiun Didn't have the intention to buy one for me,  so I bought myself a tumbler as my own Christmas present to myself.

This is so scary.... how did she knew?? She Didn't even read my blog or talk to me for so long...  how did she know???

Merry X'mas~~~

Today was a busy day for me..  as usual, Christmas always is the busiest period in my family..  although I'm not at klg during Dec, I have no excuse for the task.  Haiz..

So morning I manage to steal some time from them to cut my hair, buy some grocery, shopping, meeting my friend. Afternoon went to church to do Christmas preparation and night caroling.. so pack... I dun have any chance to rest my eyes.. so at the end of the day,  my eyes r really dried...

I've made up my mind. Is the time to change. The moment I cut my hair, I told myself, "u r no longer butch.." I m gonna to give myself a year to See the change. I hope to See a totally different me too. 

First baby step, buy clothes that I dun wear. Next step,  I wore white lady tee for caroling.  

What's next? Change the way I walk?.. hmm... need guidance...

我今年最想要的礼物是。。。信任

That's y I hate to be at home.. my little bro is so irritating! He is like a Stupid stalker who spy on me all the time and read my msg aloud.  I can't even blog~~~ OMG... I really hate this little rascal!!!

Caffeine addiction?? Hmm... is it good or bad?..

Ya.. I didn't sleep last night, so I was pretty exhausted this morning.  Then out of no choice,  I drank some coffee to stay awake.  Surprisingly, I was hyperactive and energetic after drank the coffee. So energetic until I can run and feeling very happy whole afternoon. But after that is the caffeine crash...  really tiring. Then I drink tea instead. Coz too much of coffee will make my insomnia even worst.  Anyway, I was happy because I finally can go home and See all my babies at home~~ I really miss them very much~~~ and the final day of working at Sushi Tei in 2012 should make me feel good~ Haha~~ the best part is the scary colleague is off today, I felt so relieved~~~ lol

I was so tense this morning. Coz of insomnia and the stupid convert thingy. I just want to hear from u personally... just wanted to know how u think.. I am really happy n relieved when I heard from u that u wun force me to become anyone that I dun want to be.. then I think again.. think twice.. May b u r right. The feeling I felt during the time with u is not the same as the time when I was in love with my ex. It's quite different. Is comfy and relaxing, more like friend type not really couple type of love.. May b I was really confused coz I'm lonely for too long~~ lol... v r destined to b BFF. Knew u since form 3, even longer than I know YingSze. Is my bad, causing all these misunderstanding.

Actually I should thank xiao Peng you for talk me to sense. If she didn't counselling me last night, I might not even realized I was blinded by my thought. But my offer of pulling u out from ur improper relationship is really out of my true heart though.. anyway, it's not me who can decide for u, u yourself know yourself best just like what u said. No one is able to change myself unless I willing to change.

Coming home soon~ I really excited to meet everyone at klg~~~

我不需要多一个让我不得不带面具面对的辅导员，我需要一个可以让我放心卸下全部伪装坦诚面对的避风港。至今，我只遇到过一个这样的人。

这样的朋友，有着让我的心即刻安静下来的魔力。无论我有什么烦恼，只要有她在，我就可以完全不去想，安安静静的聆听我的呼吸，我的心跳。之间就是有一种默契，什么都不用做，什么也不用说，所有压力就可以得到释放。。。

我仍在寻找第二个像这样特别的朋友。

好久没有人那么有耐心想知道我的故事了。。。不是我不想说，只是没有人愿意听我说。。现在有了，可是我却那么害怕。。。拼命退缩。。我真的害怕再次揭开我内心深处的伤口。

难道我自己不知道我的问题出在哪里吗？其实我比任何人都清楚。。

我并不是不喜欢男生，我也为爱疯狂过。只是我当时伤的太深，发现爱太痛。。除非我真的遇到一个我可以托付终身的人，不然我不会再让自己再次承受那样彻彻底底的伤。

现在的我。。我不知道该怎么形容。。怎么说也说不清。不是没放感情，每段感情我都是全心全意，只是没有办法再像之前那样。。。总有一个缺口没办法弥补。

我今天发了这个post ，我知道意味着什么。

接下来，无论是你还是小朋友都会用尽浑身解数来想把我变回straight. 接下来你们都不会treat me as who I am, what I am nor how I am. 这就是我最不想见到的。。

为什么一直以来我都不说，为什么我不妥协，我需要承受的后果，你们又明白多少。。。

U r not in my shoe, u will never understand the hell I had been through..

说的比作的容易。。。不是我不想，我也是身不由己。。

这次答应了你留头发，下次又要答应你什么。。。

我只是想作我自己而已。。。
这样的要求很难吗？。。

Today I was runner again. Luckily I was runner,  because the walking distance is shorter so the burden to my legs were not that bad.  Din really sleep last night so I was quite tired. 

Then yesterday I was joking around with this 小朋友, coz she left early,  so I was super busy because they shift my ppl to another station. Then I asked her to make bento for me to 赔罪~ who knows this little girl so silly,  she really cook fried rice for me.. lol...  so silly, 太好骗了~ although it is simple but I appreciate her effort. This might b the last time I'll See her this year~ lol.  Coz I'm going home on Sunday~~~~ finally~~~

I think I already get addicted to caffeine.  Without caffeine I am so tired. Today I drank peppermint mocha using my new tumbler and I'm quite energetic for whole day. Before I drink it,  I was so dead and sleepy... cham lo..  caffeine addiction is hard to stop de...  OMG....

I really wanted to watch movie... at least 1 movie when I'm at klg. Any movie will do... I need a break.

Was crying too much last night.. my eyes r swelled.. 

I believe I did cried in my dream too... coz when I woke up my pillow is wet.

I got nightmare.. so scared.. so sad... I really hate nightmare. Because I always got deja-vu.  If I woke up but still remember my dream, it would really happen is future..  tat's y I hate deja-vu.

I dreamt of Bao Fong.. dreamt of someone told me the news of her decease. I was so shocked and rush to her house,  then saw all the family members were doing the ritual preparation for funeral. I break down when I saw the situation...  But I didn't See her there. Then I asked her bro when will she come back.he reply 3days. I was shocked... 3days?? Then he say, she went jb for music concert only..

Then I woke up in sweats. Immediately text Bao Fong to ensure she is alright...  so scared.. Why I got this kind of dream??? 

Well... today was really a crazy day.. only 3person working per station. That's ridiculous.... plus only 1 person in the station is senior, who is me, the other 2 are still in probation... OMG....  I Noe I am strong,  but not that strong until I can fly and run and got 千里眼 or super memory power also... 玩我么？？！

I was scolded, miss order,  scald by food, burned, blue black, broke glass. What else could still happen?  All the bad things happened. What else could b worst than these??  Then the stupid thalassemia cause dizzy and short of breath when I run too much make me so hard to concentrate...

Totally failure. Shame on u!!

I hate this job when most of the ppl go home early.  Make me so angry. 你拿工钱我也拿工钱，为什么我要做两三个人的份？而人家就可以在那里当木头人？？？

累得我只想哭。。在Sushi Tei三年我从来就没有那么累过。。又气又累。结果真的忍不下去了，又在巴士上哭了。。。连旁边的Uncle都吓到。

最恨就是我姐姐！我人还在新加坡，她就开始打我的主意！又要我帮什么？又要我做什么？？我根本就没有假期，不就是打工再打工？？都已经没有跟你们要生活费了，全部我自己扛，你们还想要怎样？难道我连星期日都不能休息？？回去一星期，有哪一天不是排到满？有哪一天不是当保姆？还要练彩排。。。我哪里有休息日？有哪一天是属于我的假期？？不是比我呆在新加坡更惨？

我不想发火，可是我已经忍无可忍了。说到底，你们又会说是我的错。如果当初我没有坚持要来新加坡读书，现在也不会那么辛苦。说到完，就是我咎由自取。

全部都是我的错！

It's all my fault..

I am really tired of always taking the first step... I felt so cheap n unwanted..  why I m always the one who is serious and hurt so badly...

May b it's all my fault. I shouldn't fall in love with u in the first place...

Ya.. it my fault

flying like a superman...

today i was really very tired.. not enough sleep plus working with my scary colleague. i have to be superman so that i wun get scolded.. so i am really literally flying whole night.. then i really din kena scold~ wakakaka... but i am exhausted coz i run too much..

说好听点，是我不想被骂，说难听点, 是因为我不想让自己有时间胡思乱想。。
一静下来。。。我就无法控制我的情绪了。。

hopefully i can really sleep well tonight...
been insomnia for 3 consecutive days already... how long can my body last??

Zzzzzzz.... I'm so exhausted..  din slept last night.. I didn't drink any caffeine drink also.. just couldn't sleep.. I dunno what happen also.. so tired...  whole body is so painful.. mind too.  Exhausted.

Time to work...  time to die~~ lol today work with the scary colleague... OMG...

糟了。。。

一静下来，就好想哭。。。

原来无论做什么准备都是没用的。。

是我太傻。

LTJ, please read this..

I dunno is this the right time lo do this,  but I Noe the longer I drag, the lesser confidence I have in myself...

I'm really very bad at this...  I really dunno how to confess leh..  T_T

Can't believe I'm actually trembling now... what to do... so worry.. so scared...

Happiness seem incomplete without your presence... Every emotion of yours trigger mine too.. 

I dun dare to wish you will accept me, but at least don't stop me from loving u. I know I am not your type, but I still wish to stay by ur side... 

No worry.. I wun make u feel awkward or whatever. Will b still friends always. But do remember I'll stay behind u always, when u tired and wish to seek shelter, I will b here for u. I dun mind b substitution or whatever.

Not to worry about me. I'll be fine. As always does. 

well... i would never touch gambling again~ not interesting to me

today is my buddy's gf birthday, so i went out to celebrate~ then her mum show up.. i was so scared the situation will be very pai kua.. coz my buddy is butch. then at the end the mum never say anything and never show black face also... i was shock~ how open minded is her mum... how much i wish my family also like that.... but i know it's not possible..

but actually my mum din force me to get bf anymore. i think she also accept the truth that i am like this. she told me i can be carefree. she got my bro's and sis's children to take care of, she let me choose my future. she said if i really dun want to get married, is ok~ i was so happy~~~

anyway, after bringing my buddy's gf's mum to tour at MBS casino, i went to play a few rounds. then i was blur and dunno what is happening. i was like... wth.... then lost money.. luckily i only play $7 and i lost $6. still lucky~ lol... but i dun think i will play again. so boring... my housemate whom go with me lost $50 and $10. one bet on big small another play the stupid machine with me~ lol...

today is really quite tired.. is worsen than working..  walk too much liao...

i couldn't find the thing i wanted to buy.... so vexed... hope i can find it before i go back...
count down-ing... 7 days to go back...
finally can meet u again....

为什么我的直觉告诉我你已经知道了呢？... hmm...  but u acts like u dunno anything... hmmmm....

Anyway, I'm very happy because of u~~ chatting with u in the morning really brighten up my day~~ although I was waken up by cramp n stupid kompamg cheering.. but I felt warm and bliss from u... That's make me so happy~ *^o^*

真希望每天起来第一件事就是跟你聊聊天~

I dun need everything nor anything, I just need to stay by ur side, and I'm satisfied ^ω^

I sincerely thank God for putting u in my journey of life~~~

To LTJ...

I kept telling myself to give up. But the more I told myself, the deeper I fell...  I couldn't denied... u have a place in my heart even when I didn't realized..

But deep in my heart,  I knew..
我配不上你.

I'm not wealthy, couldn't give u the life u having now. 
I'm not good looking, nor good in  fashion sense... u wouldn't be proud to go out with me...
I'm not smart, couldn't help u in your academic... I might even need ur help...

I dun have anything... how dare I declare my love to u?.. I dun even have the confidence to trust myself..

what I have is only faithfulness. But I think u dun need that... 

What can I say?  What can I do?..

I can only stay behind of u and give u all my support. Whenever u need me, I'll always be there.  That's the only promise that I can make.

I dunno when will u See this, I dun even think u will read my blog.. but at least I did my part not to regret myself..

If u really saw this, would u give me a chance?

i can hear the sound of my heart breaking...

well.... when i am serious, u think i was kidding... nice....
this time i am serious, but u still think i am kidding. it's clearly that u will reject.
i am not young anymore. i dun have the ability to withstand 1 more blow of failure...
i had told myself, not to make myself so painful anymore.

与其付出的死去活来，不如等待别人来欣赏我的好。

i wun be silly anymore... no more heart breaking, no more regret i would do to myself.
this would be the last time..

phew... this is like.... heartbeats 240..

well... today... somebody asked me about who my crush it.. it's kind of awkward... coz the crush is the person who asked me. so i was like.... "hmmm... hmm.... just friends lo~" i am not ready to confess yet.. coz i dunno is she ok with relationship like this.. this is not an easy road... quite a lot of ppl just gave up to the reality... and she is the last friend i left now... i cant afford to lost her... really...

then she told me about her relationship. i was like stunned for quite long... i dunno how to react... i knew she is always texting someone. but i dunno that's her bf.. n about the watch... i really dunno what to say... just stunned...

i almost asked her to be my gf just to pull her out from that relationship. almost! really that's close. i dunno... really dunno....

is not like i really know her very much. but 日久生情 kind... i also confuse.. if she asked me to list down what i like about her, i couldn't.

i'm such a timid person... idiot ttm!!!

only 1 thing that i can 100% confirm is, i couldn't afford to lose her.

give me a break please....

my buddy kept psycho me to woo the little girl in our outlet. but this is damn weird~ coz i dun really like small children. = =" 7 years difference make the "language" barrier very wide. i dun really like that...

then 一波未平一波又起。。。my buddy's girlfriend is damn flirty... kept tagging on me and another butch. make my buddy so jealous. i am annoyed also... i dun like other girl touch me. i should say, i dun like other ppl touch me other than my gf. make me feel so insecure. like i was cheating... omg... >=[ just hate that kind of feeling.

and so many ppl are confessing today... so silly~ lol...

我不想破坏我们之间的完美比例。这样每天聊聊就好～我只是需要有个伴～

Dun tempt me please...I couldn't afford to risk again...

I really dunno what to say when u told me u lost your watch...  especially it was from ur ex bf. And may b is time to change new one.  If I say I'm not happy, that's not true because may b u can move on n let go the past... but I couldn't say that coz u r really sad about it....

I hope it's really I thought too much.... not planning to lost u...

oops~~~ 东窗事发～～～

somebody knew the fact that i am bi but pretending like dunno anything~ lol... this is so weird..
i knew this would happen that's y i dun say anything about my past relationship and never asked anything. i dun expect her to know anything also since i already 改邪归正。argh.... so troublesome.... next time i dunno how to face her liao la....

i think ppl who born on 1991 sure got problem with me. 冤家路窄。。。sure got issues de... hell yeah...

good luck to me then..

工作了三天。。。我真的快死了。。。。喝redbull真的是错误的选择。喝了比没喝还要累！而且是直接虚脱。。。。omg。。

我现在很害怕坐下。一坐下要再站起来走路就好痛！痛的我想哭。。。我的脚是直接痛到动不了。vivo真的太可怕。。。原本是走，然后是快步走，最后是用来跑的。到最后竟然差点跌倒！。。。真的是服了我自己！！！做那么久了竟然还会wrong order？？而且不是一次，今晚已经超过三次以上了。。。如果真的扣工钱，我看今天都白做了。真的很生自己的气！累了就休息啊！！！为什么要犯这种只有新人会犯的错误？？？

还好明天不用早起，好不容易有2-10。。。该好好休息。。