and yes, I should be doing something else

like preparing for the talk I have to give at noon tomorrow, or writing the letter of recommedation for a colleague's big award nomination that is due on Tuesday (and has to be cowritten with a jerk colleague who insisted that he is busier than I am), or reading at least one of the two dissertations that got dropped on my lap by students who are late and absolutely have to have my comments back by wednsday, or reviewing that article that was due on Nov 29th.

but you know what? I am finding it very difficult to care. I had such a nice day playing with M, putting up a christmas tree and then doing a photo shoot of M in her santa dress in front of it, and then in her grinch t-shirt... and now I am catching up on blog posts.

life is good. M has taught me to really step away. It will all work out somehow...

All over the place

 I have been mentally all over the place lately.

Some of the good things running through my head:

1) I can't believe I am 8 months pregnant.  Can I say that again?  I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!  I feel so lucky and happy about this.  Hearing about web friends who are having their babies already, and some 4 weeks early, makes me remember to cherish every single day. 

2) I took Thursday off from work and took care of myself specifically, for example:
 A visit to the MAC store to update all of my make-up
A visit to several card/stationary stores to buy valentine's and birthday cards for the next few months
A visit to Aveda, Kiehl's, the drug store, etc. to stock up on my cosmetics/toiletries
A visit to BabiesRUs to get booties and socks for lil M and a waterproof pad to start keeping under me at night in case my water breaks and for the drive to the hospital, if necessary.
The hairdressers to, horror of all horrors, get highlights in my hair (I was starting to feel very mousy and couldn't take it anymore.  She was really careful to try and keep me away from chemical fumes and not touch my scalp.)

3) I have been happy with a purchase from HalfTees -- my belly really doesn't like it when things touch it.  I find that these have been really comfortable to layer with, keeping the weight on the top of my belly very minimal.

The stressful things running through my head:

1) I had a minor meltdown when Irrational Exuberance had her baby earlier this week.  She's about a week ahead of me.  Holy S*&%?T, I could have this baby any day now!  I sat down and made a list of the essential things I need to get done prior to M's estimated arrival date.  My list is way too long.  The only good thing about this is that, given the type of work I do, no one will die if I fail to finish something.

2) We had a lunch break during baby-care-class yesterday and walked over the Whole Foods Market to get something to eat.  It was really crowded and someone ran into the back of me with their cart.  It hurt a little, but mostly just rattled the shit out of me as I am very, very careful with myself.  I turned around and a teenage girl turns around to her dad who looks over at me and under his breath in annoyance says, "oh, sorry".  WTF?  "oh sorry" is all he can do?  His daughter just about knocks over a woman who is 8 months pregnant and that's the best he can do?  I was trying to get Dh's attention when a nice nurse from the hospital comes up and rubs my arm, telling me that she thinks the girl is autistic.  I appreciated this, as something like that is the only excuse for what SHE did (and did even not apologize for), but her father really should have been a lot nicer about it.  I was pretty shaken after that, but holding it together.

Until, that is, Dh decided to freak out about the "tone" of baby class.  He doesn't like to be told what to do and seemed to think that the class was directed at him personally or something.  While we were eating lunch he complained and complained and then said something along the lines of "if I had known what all this would entail I wouldn't have agreed to it."  Needless to say, I LOST it.  Of course, I took this to mean that he didn't want the baby.  We sort of stopped talking, made it back to class with me only looking half freaky, and then went home. 

After a few hours of trying to pretend like there wasn't a problem we managed to get the conversation going.  It was wonderful.  We really needed to have it as there is a lot of trepidation and some misunderstanding that is coming between us, even though on the surface we've been getting along great.  Dh was really really clear that he really really wants this baby, and, that he really wants his wife back.  It was a great wakeup call for me when he said that he thinks the closer I can get back to who I was when we first got married, the more I'd be the person he wants to be the mother of his daughter.  Maybe that sounds weird, but he's right.  I need to find my strength and confidence again so that I can be a good role model for little M as well as a loving mother. 

3) I have decided that all those instructions books and classes cause more stress than they may be worth.  In baby class the instructor made me feel like a lot of my actions and decisions were wrong -- i.e., the baby bath tub, the type of laundry detergent I've been using, the moses basket, the rocking chair, etc.  I am really trying my best here.  That's really all I can do and I refuse to feel guilty for things that can't possibly really matter.

Love you all.  Sorry I'm not posting or commenting very much.  I am keeping up with all of you, but for some reason I'm having a really hard time writing comments.  I'm a bad, bad blog sister these days.  Please forgive me!

what I'm feeling today

trying not to freak out

baby books all say you feel movement between 16 and 20 weeks.

me?  at 19 weeks I got nothing. 

I am concerned about doing the fetal heart monitor too much, plus there is the concern that I might not find anything.  I also just realized that sometimes it's my own heartbeat I'm hearing...  oof.

and so I broke down and googled "miscarriage at 19 weeks" and there are lots of them out there.

And then I found this:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/04/050416100616.htm

Not that it helps much, but at least it is acknowledged.

I love the idea of a little garden of lost babies.  The Japanese definitely have the right idea there.

I wish

I wish that I had a more positive personality. 

I wish I was more laid back.

I wish I didn't have to write the freakin syllabus for my course.

I wish I could get someone else to teach the course for that matter.  Yea, like Obama.  Where the hell is the President when you really need him?

I wish I could eat a huge chocolate bar, but I'll  refrain given that I'm trying for a really healthy diet until I get another blood test done.

I wish I hadn't gained 5 pounds from the trying-to-get-pregnant phase so that I wouldn't feel so bad about the 3 I've gained since then.  Hard to not think I gained 8 pounds in the first trimester instead of 3...   I know it doesn't matter, but, see wishes #1 and 2.


I wish dh was home.

My kitty wishes dh was home too -- I'm not as much fun (it hurts to play rough with the beasty, and believe me, he likes it rough)

I wish my CVS test was already over and the results all back and good.

Oh hell, I wish I was already 36 weeks pregnant for that matter.

I wish I had remembered to get my mom's birthday present this week so I wouldn't have to send it rushed on Monday.

I wish I had a more positive personality...  oh, did I already say that?  Man do I need to chillax... (a word that is now officially in the dictionary).

a matter of perspective

I put dh on the airplane last night.  This was rather sad and kind of scary b/c now I'm the only one responsible for me and the little-one, plus the cat and fish (that I just remember I forgot to feed this morning, the fish, not the cat -- the cat won't let you forget him.  I keep telling that fish he needs to speak up more!).

I will be ok for the next 2.5 weeks.  It really isn't all that long, and we have been apart for much much longer (like 5 months), but yea, this time is a bit different.

So I played the radio loud on the drive home and sang along, dancing a little in my seat.  I am determined to be peaceful and content, as that is going to be the best thing for all involved, most importantly the little-one.

I remembered this morning why I want to have a baby -- because I really need something/someone else in my life to think about, worry about, care for, and love.  My baby isn't here yet for the world to see, but I *have* actually gotten what I wanted.  I DO already have somebody else to worry about, care for, nurture, love.  It's still all secret to the rest of the world, and I haven't met him/her yet, but this person does technically exist.  So I should really stop freaking out about whether or not this is going to happen and appreciate the fact that it has already started.  This might be the only time in my life I get to be a mother.  Even if it is just to an inch-long fetus still inside my body, this is my opportunity.  I shouldn't waste it on worrying about whether or not it is going to be lost, and just enjoy the caring and nurturing and worrying I get to do right now.

So that's what I'm going to do today, and tomorrow, and hopefully for a long time. 

But it might just be for two more weeks b/c I get to do the CVS test all by myself on August 25th.  Oof. 

(mantra: good things DO happen, good things DO happen, good things DO happen)

The jinxing problem

I woke up in a royally bad mood today.  We are going to a dinner tonight with lots of very successful and famous people I have never met before, and I'll be the youngest by far.  My husband is very successful and 20 years older, and while it is sometimes fun to pretend to be a "trophy bride", I am just so not into it right now.  Plus, I'm not.  He was never married before, was not my professor, and I do quite well on my own two professor feet.  But I'm very overshadowed, so no one ever notices all of those points.  It gets hard on the ego, but I did know what I was getting into when I married him.

But I'm also feeling very UNpregnant.  I had warm maternal nurturing feelings for the last few days, but those have dissipated.  And I now I find myself just feeling squishy, out-of-shape, and silly.  Oh, and childless.

Overshadowed and childless.  That's me.  And very squishy muffin top.  I had a really hard time finding an outfit I was kind of ok with this morning.  I really wanted to wear what I wore yesterday.  But I don't think dh would have thought that was ok, and I did see a lot of people yesterday who would see me today.  Ugh.  WHY DOES THIS KIND OF THING MATTER?!

Why can't I keep it together?!

Aside from all of that, I have a dilemma.  I'm going out of town on July 5 (Monday).  My beta is currently scheduled for July 2 (Friday).  If I am pregnant, I need to take progesterone shots for the 8 days I'm gone.  But I currently don't have enough needles.  I think I have enough of the drug.

Do I ask if I can take my beta earlier?  Why is it scheduled for July 2nd anyway?  That's 15 days after a day 2 transfer, which seems like a long time past the "14 days past ovulation" rule.  Won't that be a test on day 17 instead of 14?  When is the earliest I can safely subject myself to a HPT without worrying that it'd be tainted by the HCG trigger?  Do I really want to do that anyway?  That would mean a trip to the drug store.  Ugh.

If I ask to take the blood test earlier, I'm totally jinxed. It will definitely be negative.  (Because somehow I would miraculously GET pregnant in the intervening days had I just waited.)

And I hate that this feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders.

When I get the negative beta test, I'm going to the gym for the longest and hardest workout of my life. 

Twin zygotes!

Thanks so much for all the good wishes. Seems like you all helped make the night a good one for my little zygotes. Two of them fertilized! We'll find out about their quality tomorrow at the time of transfer.

So that still means that we might not do the transfer. Still plenty of time for things to go wrong.

Timed sex was really hard, and lead to more late night tear fests than dh or I care to remember. But is ivf better? Hm. That is a tough one.

While I knew this would be stressful, I honestly didn't really get why so many people choose not to do this again. It is REALLY hard on the emotions. I surprise myself at how edgy I am. And I don't just mean edgy. I mean, I could tear off someone's head with my bare hands edgy.

The TTC acts, healthy and otherwise

Today is day 3 of stims, and lots of them.  My belly is a pin cushion, but luckily not covered in bruises (yet).

While the goal of stress reduction was a little out of my control, and work has definitely failed to cooperate on that front, I have made a little bit of progress with the things that are within my control.

For example, on Sunday I put on my bikini and in the privacy of my own fenced-in back yard (where I didn't have to feel self-conscious about the belly pin holes and other lesser-desirable parts of my anatomy), I perused catalogs beside the "pool" (which is really just a birdbath, but since when does a bird pool not still count as a pool?).  I got a smidge of sun and felt wonderful. And who doesn't like to oogle shiny pretty objects in catalogs?  So relaxing...

And I roasted an organic free-range chicken for dinner.  Yum yum.

Monday, I cooked a healthy dinner and played the piano for about an hour (which I find very relaxing, although I play terribly).

Today, Tuesday, I walked to and from school, which is a about 1.5 hours of walking, and about half of it straight up hill.  While dinner won't be so healthy, I do plan on eating a klondike bar.  The rationale?  I read an article that said that women who regularly eat ice cream have slightly higher fertility rates.  That is all it takes to convince me.  So, a klondike bar every other day is the current plan...

Three a day puts a baby in the bay?

Ok, kinda lame but I thought I'd try for cute.

Tomorrow I start my injections phase for the upcoming IVF.  I get to take a microdose of lupron (20 units) in the morning and another in the evening.  In evening I also get to take a shot that will contain 4 amps of Gonal-f and 1 amp of Menopur.  That's three shots a day!

Imagine all the bruises my belly will get with this regime.  It was bad enough with one shot a day.

Is it just me or do these bruises take a really, really long time to go away?  It's been over a month since I had a shot and yet you can still kind of make out two bruises on either side of my belly button.  Very attractive.

My current schedule is to do a retrieval sometime around June 13-16 and transfer 2-3 days later.

So many things to go wrong...  but work has been crazy and the politics were outrageous today.  I really dislike the stress and anger this causes me, but the bright side is that it really does distract me from the IF frustrations.  But since stress is overall BAD for conceiving, sometimes the work BS just pisses me off even more.  Oof.