I lost my cool

Yesterday dh had to go in for another blood test for our IF project.  He needed to update his infectious disease test just in case our next IVF gets canceled for an IUI and he needs to donate (we are doing ICSI for the IVF, so have some guys on ice already).

Since it was Saturday we went to the only clinic nearby that was open, and it happened to be the one I went to moments after my miscarriage diagnosis/confirmation when I needed an HCG baseline to make sure I miscarried completely (nice). 

That horrible Friday afternoon of the miscarriage, things had to happen kind of fast b/c of the weekend, and so I had to keep my shit together.  The guy who drew my blood very happily asked if I was pregnant and I had to say "no, I just had a miscarriage".  He didn't say anything back.  Can you say "awkward".  I bet he never does that anymore  I walked outside, called dh, and then completely lost it.  That was one of the harder things I've ever had to do, keep from crying in that clinic b/c I knew I wouldn't be able to stop once I started.

So yesterday morning brought back memories, compounded by my creative deduction that a woman in line behind us was there for the same reason I had been, or some other IF related thing.  She wasn't happy, and needed an HCG and progesterone test. 

I tried really hard not to let it get to me, and I haven't cried in weeks, and maybe even a good month or so.  But we went out for brunch afterwords and I had zero patience.  And then on the drive to the hardware store dh was pretty emphatic that he didn't want me to get a puppy (something I've been thinking very seriously about since Maddy suggested it the other day and it sounds like an great idea).  I turned to him and just freaked out about how lonely I am.  I could not stop crying.  He was kind of pissed, as it drives him nuts when I am really sad and there is nothing he can do to fix it.

I did pull it together eventually and we bought some beautiful pots for the backyard for much less than we anticipated.  But all the colorful pots and sunflowers in the world have a hard time chipping through the reality of IF.

redefining yourself

I keep reading self-help blurbs that tell me to redefine myself, to make a new image of who I am that doesn't involve all of the things that cause me sadness (my IF and my job) and stress (my IF and my job). But really, how does one do this? Where do the ideas come from?

estrogen or just the freaking situation?

I've been on a high dose of estrogen for the last couple of weeks thanks to my healing now-non-septate uterus, and have a couple more weeks to go.

I looked around on the web and while I can find scientific studies showing that estrogen supplements can cause dizziness and lack of appetite, etc, I'm not yet convinced that it also leads to bouts of emotional wreckage...

This morning I had a particularly hard time getting out of bed, so came into work late. I was a little peeved at myself for this, but generally ok.

One of the first things on my list of things to do was to call the mail order pharmacy to check to make sure they were processing the prescription order from my doctor, and find out if they needed pre-authorization. I called, and first off, the connection was terrible. So the lady's voice was really loud and warped at one moment and then the next she was really hard to hear. I had a hard time understanding her, and then trying to spell my name was a nightmare. We made it through that fiasco only to then find it impossible to get her to understand what I was asking. I didn't know the order number, or specifically what drugs I was supposed to get from them. There are so many, and I just don't really understand what I'm supposed to get from where, or what all I'm even supposed to get. It's really confusing.

So I hung up and tried to call the nurse who told me to call the mail order pharmacy to check. She's off today and won't be in until tomorrow afternoon, but told me that it was urgent that I get the info on pre-authorization TODAY.

I kind of lost it. It was really really hard not to completely lose it, but I'm at work and I can't walk around with a puffy just-cried-my-eyes-out face. It was REALLY freaking hard to pull it together.

I wish someone else would do this for me... I wish none of this were happening.

Is it the drugs or is it the situation? Is this worth all the pain?