Infertility Sufferer's Thoughts on Mother's Day

Today is hard. I woke up to all the posts on facebook about mothers and their babies and how thankful they are. It's H.A.R.D. On this day, I wonder will I be celebrating next year. IVF is not guaranteed. Will I become a mother? The one thing I keep reminding myself is that I can always be a mother. It might not be the way I intended, but there is always a baby in this world that needs two loving parents.

Today, I am thinking of all of you childless mothers out there. Whether it's by choice, by loss, by miscarriage, failed adoptions, infertility, or whatever reason it may be. Today is hard. But know this, you are LOVED. You are loved by someone.

One of my Junior League friends posted this photo on facebook this morning, and all I could do is crack up. I definitely needed her post to lighten my mood this morning. Thanks, Jen!

All I could think when I saw this was NO MORE WIRE HANGERSSSSSSSSSS! haha

Birthdays in Your Thirties...

just seem to all run together. I swear I don't feel 34, but alas, one cannot turn back the clock. Can we? Please someone say so. Once I hit thirty, I feel that birthdays all seem the same.

In my twenties, it was all about planning the MOST FUN night out ever----full of great drinks, great food, lots of friends, going out all night.

In my thirties, it's more of let's have dinner, a few glasses of wine, maybe go to a movie?, 11 o'clock---oh gracious, it is WAY past my bedtime.

Normally, I'm all about planning my birthday a month or so in advance, because well, it's one of the times that we all get together and can catch up and it's either A) not a tragedy or B) some kind of life event aka wedding or baby shower.

However, this year was different. I didn't even want to do anything for my birthday, but my best friend kept asking, so I complied. I just didn't feel it this year. I never was the one who dreamed of getting married or having kids, but if it happened, I'd be okay with it. And since getting married was in the cards, then, of course, a family was something I looked forward to.

And, at 34, I just thought that I'd be chasing around some little human feet instead of still chasing pug feet. Actually, I thought, by this time, I'd be chasing both. I thought babies, husband, pug, white picket fence, and having an all-American family.

Those were not the cards I was dealt. My parents sat  me down a couple of weeks ago, and in the nicest parental way possible, to me just TO GET OVER IT. Life happens. Some people can't walk, some people can't see, some people can't have kids. And that's just part of life. You move on. You go on with your life and live it to the fullest possible.

They're right. I've let infertility control my life; I've let it define who I am. I've been depressed for two years. I've gained weight, been sad, I do nothing because I feel like time has stopped. Time hasn't stopped. Life is moving on without me.

Infertility does not define me. Only I have the power to change my life. And that my friends, is what I wish for on my birthday. To stop being bitter, stop being sad, and just get out there and live. Live my life. That is my wish this year.

Blessings one by one..

You can't put all your blessings in one basket...

I'm not taking anything for granted. I'm taking things one day at a time, one test at a time, one lab work's results at a time, one doctor's visit at a time, and so on. I'm in a much better place now than I was 6 months ago.

Today, I had my day 3 ultrasound to look at my ovaries, follicles, and lining. All were normal, and I had follicles----they looked normal too! That was good news for us;) I'm anxious for our appointment next Monday with our RE (reproductive endocrinologist). I'm assuming we're going over lab work and my ultrasound and to discuss the next steps.

I'll admit, it's still hard. But, I keep thinking we have a chance, and that alone helps me get by...

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11



PREP OBSESSED NECKLACE WINNER---comment 16 (chosen by random.org) Please email me with your info:)

suburbansublime said...

Liked Prep Obsessed (need to change that to LOVE) xo

September 16, 2013 at 8:01 AM 

5 on Friday!

My 5 on Friday

1. An unexpected "happy" from a sweet Southern Belle reader. Thank you, C! It was just what I needed this week;) She sent me some lucky socks to wear for my doctor visits, some polish for my toes, and some lip balm. I am so thankful for the readers of my blog. There are such KIND, GOOD people in this world. I've been blessed with countless emails and people telling me they're praying for us and just words of encouragement. THANK YOU!!!!!

2. A quote that inspires me. Not only did my sweet reader send me that happy, she also included this little gem with her card. This quote helps me get by. This verse helps me keep my faith when I often I feel like tossin' the Good Book out the window. I have to repeat this often and then, I calm down.  Here's the verse: 

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to 

prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you 

hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Service & Sacrifice

3. Supporting our Troops---It amazes me how the students I teach have no concept of 9/11. They were mere toddlers, so it's hard for them to understand the magnitude of what happened. On Wednesday, I showed them the video of the man in the red bandana. I highly suggest watching it. Very touching story! You can watch it here. 

I still remember 9/11/01. I remember where I was when I found out, what I was wearing, what the weather was like. Hard to believe it's so long ago. I love this warmer because I think it makes a subtle statement. And $8 from the sale of each Service & Sacrifice warmer goes to the Mission Continues to support veterans on their new mission of service here at home. 

4. Sparkly Gel Pens----I used colored gel pens all through out college. I'm really picky about pens and stationery. These gel pens were a necessity when I was in college. I bought a box this year and have been using them for various things. I had forgotten how much I LOVE these! Except this time, I bought the sparkly kind. I love how when light happens to catch it the right way that it just glitters away;) I did not buy the above pictured. I bought the Target brand, and they've worked great. 

5. Ready for fall----normally, I would NEVER ever say this, but I'm ready for fall. It's not that I'm ready to give up warm weather...it's that I'm L.A.Z.Y.! Wondering what to wear? Just put on a long sleeve tee and dress it up with a scarf, add some fun earrings, and VOILA! You've got yourself a cute outfit in about a minute. No more staring at my closet for minutes upon minutes declaring I have nothing to wear when my closet is literally overflowing. Since my HSG experience was so horrible the first go round, I bought this Lilly Pulitzer scarf in Pop after the second attempt when it was completed and finding out my tubes were clear. I thought this was just such a happy print, and that was just such happy news for us. So, whenever I wear this scarf, I will be reminded of the small victories:)

New Obsession and another test...

How about happy things first! ;)

I went to eat with my besties and one of our guy friends from college on Saturday for lunch. Afterwards, we went to Menchie's next door. I'd never been to one before, and this is the only one in our town. It hasn't been open for very long. I wasn't sure what to expect. BUT, it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good. I even went back yesterday and made LC go with me. It's my new obsession! Yummmyyyyyy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

That is a waffle bowl (super sad they were out of the chocolate dipped ones w/sprinkles:/ ) with cookie and creme yogurt with cookie dough topping underneath the mound of whip cream and sprinkles you see there.  It was like a little piece of heaven. And the fact that it's yogurt makes it all okay, right? At least that's what I'm telling myself. ha!

FYI-I only have like 6 pictures on Instagram. I just haven't gotten into it, but I'm going to start trying. Seems as if everyone loves it!


Now to the not so obsessive news. I get to get another test run called an SHG. It's exactly like that horrid HSG test I took last month except instead of dye they use saline. I love how the papers say you might have mild cramping and to take some ibuprofen beforehand. Ummm, how they get real and tell you that you might experience pain that feels like your cervix is being ripped out and to take a percocet. That my friends is #realtalk

Hope you had a safe and fab Labor Day!

Brunettes have more fun?

My natural hair color is not the golden tresses you see in my pics. I wish!

Well, if you didn't read my last post, or you missed it because you skimmed, we found out that IVF is our best option if we want to have a baby. And, IVF is not just a co-pay away, in TN at least, and with that comes sacrifices. The past few days I've been trying to write down what I spend most of my money on...clothes and my hair. No more clothes? Check.-already begun that process. Hair? ugh, so hard to let go:/

As far as my hair, it's a want. Personally, I think it looks better blonde; however, that's money we could be saving for IVF. I'm thinking about going back my natural color with a lot of caramel highlights or maybe a little lighter than my natural color with caramel highlights. The upkeep would be a lot less and save us money in the long run. I have a bit of grey, so I have to color my hair. At least this way, it wouldn't have to be done that often.

This is what I was thinking:

 light brown/dark blonde with caramel highlights

or 

closet to natural color with caramel highlights

warm brown with all over caramel highlights

Which do you like? Any suggestions???

PS-I'll be posting about it soon, but the new Scentsy catalog is out. The fall/winter selection is GORGEOUS!!!!!!! Check it out here. 

5 on Friday... a little late but better than never?

Five on Friday is a day late... oops! I have been busy with being a "new" history teacher and life among other things.

1. Scentsy
I am so happy that I started selling Scentsy. I use the products and love them which is why I started selling them in the first place. And, it has also helped with the infertility costs of co-pays, blood work, etc. And, Scentsy is going to help now more than ever. We still haven't been able to get pregnant and were referred to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). While he said we could *try* IUI, he said IVF is basically our best bet. I was upset, sad, frustrated, and mad. However, the next day I woke up with a new outlook. There's still hope, a chance, a miracle, something. And if at the end of the day, if it doesn't all work out, we can still be parents. It might not be parents as we intended and our children will not be our genetic own, but we can still be parents just the same. So, once again, Scentsy will be helping me along my journey of saving for a baby:) So if you know anyone who needs Scentsy, please pass my site and email along. Thank you!

credit

2. A sinus cocktail shot
Most people evidently outside the mid-south region of TN have never heard of this. When I googled trying to find out what's in this bad boy, I came up with several forums and posts about people who used to live in my city that have moved away. Their doctors have no idea what a "sinus cocktail shot" is. And lordy, I can't imagine not being able to get one of these. It never fails when school starts that I get a sinus infection. Normally, it's toward the end of September or October-ish, but this year it's back with a vengeance. Not only did I get it, but the drainage caused inflammation on my vocal chords which in return gave me a mild case of laryngitis. Imagine being able to talk but only at a whisper. NOT FUN! The kids at school have it, the principal had it, I got it, ugh...the list could go on. I hate going to the doctor. I'd rather just wait it out. Well, that was until a few years ago, when my parents told me to ask about a sinus cocktail shot. And, I tell you what, I hate shots, but this one is SO worth it. You will feel better in like an hour and like a new person the next day. Evidently, according to the interwebz, it's got a steroid and an antihistamine in it. I don't care what's in it. All I know is that I felt better the next day, my voice started coming back, and I am MUCH better on this holiday weekend than I would have been otherwise.

3. Origins GinZing Refreshing Eye Cream
A friend recommended this to me, and I have been using the generous sample Sephora gave me. I have noticed that it does help me in the mornings with puffy eyes and just looking refreshed in general. When my sample runs out, I will definitely purchase. It's relatively inexpensive when compared to a lot of eye creams I have been looking at. I just don't see how $60-100 creams that aren't prescription grade do any difference than a $30 cream? Maybe, I'm just not brushed up on my skin care...

4. N*Sync Mini-Split Second Reunion. Best thing EVERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was like being 17 all over again:))))))) Need I say more??!?!?!

5. Shopping my closet.
Well, let's face it, IUI nor IVF is cheap, so it will be shopping my closet from now on. I am going to a blog dinner tonight at a local Mexican restaurant, so this will be the perfect occasion to wear a top that's nwt in the closet. I lusted and lusted over the Tracy Reese for Neiman Marcus Target top for ever and ever. Then, finally, this summer, I was able to track it down on the cheap. I haven't worn it, and I'm not sure it's really the right attire for a casual dinner, but dang it, I'm wearing it. ha:)

Hope y'all have a safe and fun holiday weekend!

Small Wins!

Well, yesterday was another small win! I had my ultrasound completed, and the tech did not see any fibroids. So, that is one less thing to worry about. I'm just waiting for the doctor to call back and confirm.

 And, as disappointed as I was about the ESS, I had another small win. They re-stocked some items. I ended up scoring a cardigan I have been wanting for quite some time. I love the little bow pockets:) And that my friends is another small win in my book.

I'm not bummed about the ESS anymore. I have food on my table, a roof over my head, and everything I need. No reason to get all in a tizzy over some clothes and accessories! Hope you all are having a great week!

HSG was a success!!!!

credit

Yesterday, I had a procedure done in my obgyn's office (ummm, how about the worst pain EVER!!!!) that enabled me to attempt to have the HSG test done again.

Today, the HSG only took 3 minutes versus the 3 attempted hours last time. Luckily, they can tell you your results immediately, and my fallopian tubes are CLEAR!

When walking down the street of infertility, one must count their blessings as they come!

However, after my doctor reviewed the x-rays, he says he wonders if I have a fibroid. Evidently, my uterus is not the "normal" shape, and he is wondering if I was just born this way or if a fibroid is pressing down on it. I have no idea what a fibroid even is?!?!!!?!? So, here we go again...

Just thought I'd update you because I've had several readers email me about an update and also emailing such sweet notes of support. Thank you! They make me feel so much better knowing other people go through these same things, and the emails that just say you're praying for us totally make my day. You have NO idea. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! ;)

dreading typing this...

credit: here

i wasn't sure if i wanted to put this out there. it's kind of personal. but then again, this little space is like a journal---just online and for all the world to see. no pressure. i know you all have been anxiously waiting for me to post the results of my test. just kidding... so, i'm typing this hoping one day i'll be holding my child and laughing at this silly post!

my test didn't go well. in fact, my test didn't go at all. the procedure isn't supposed to take more than 30 minutes. i was really nervous when i arrived. the nurse could tell and asked me if i looked on the internet, and i burst into tears. she reassured me it wasn't as bad and the radiologist said the same. to make a long story short, the radiologist poked and prodded for quite some time til finally he gave up. it felt like i was having my "annual" over and over and over again. Not painful, but not comfortable whatsoever. after the radiologist waved his white flag in defeat of the female anatomy, they called in an obgyn in from my group to come assist. they said this happens about once a year, and the obgyn said it happens more than you think. when the obgyn started working, it hurt! and, even then, he wasn't able to complete the test.

i was sent home after three hours. yes, that's correct i was sent home from the thirty minute procedure after THREE hours. the next step is supposedly to go into my obgyn next month and have them help, and THEN go back and have the test performed. i won't go into graphic detail about all of it. but, i was just devastated. i was already anxious and all worked up to have this happen. definitely a blow to already low self esteem when it comes to my infertility.

and the radiologist and nurse joked that everything i read on the internet was true since he failed. ha! it was slightly amusing and sad all at the same time.

we had cancelled our vacation to do this, and we DIDN'T even get the dang test completed. i'm hoping eventually we have our baby, and it will make all these awful things worth it.

Hysterosalpi what?

credit: here

I cannot even begin to pronounce the word for the procedure I am scheduled to have done on Monday. It's called a hysterosalpingogram.

Since our we did not get pregnant from this cycle on clomid, they are wanting me to do this test to make sure my tubes aren't being blocked. Basically from what I understand, they run dye through the tubes to find out whether or not there is blockage.

Oh, fun! That sounds like a day at the spa! No wait, it's better----NOT! Fortunately

I should have known better than to look on the internet about this test. Some women said it was like a walk in the park and others made it out like it was the worst thing ever. Therefore, major inconclusiveness.

So, what did I do you might ask? I consulted Twitter and my Lilly group. They both made me feel a lot better. A few said it was like major cramping (like I said, fun!) and others said it was very very painful. So, at least now, I know it's gonna hurt anyway. However, the girls helped a lot. Now, I know to take some Aleve an hour before I go. And the doctor said I can take pain meds afterwards if it hurts that badly. So, I'm coming prepared.

I'm trying not to worry about my tubes being blocked. It's hard not to worry because TN isn't an infertility friendly state. Luckily, the hospital said that my insurance does have some infertility coverage like testing and such, but not treatments (i.e. IVF, IUI, etc.)

I'm nervous. I'm trying to enjoy my weekend and not think about it. Not to mention, I'm on clomid again which doesn't help calm my nerves. ha!

Hope you all had a safe and happy 4th:)