Monday, November 03, 2008
reinitialize.
zhenYang
12:56 am
12:56 am
Thursday, June 14, 2007
trust. subtle, strange, highly illogical. perhaps i cannot comprehend what i do not know.
trust is good. its gives hope. had to lose everything. no more thinking on my feet, no more reasoning, no more independence on myself. a thought blackout.
help is here 4 zion. through others, through me but not by my own ability though. i had none to start with, i remind myself. not even mine. All as wat God has promised.
the next steps await.
week 2. things are changing. cell grp, me, my thoughts. it just seems too 'easy' all of the sudden. perhaps i havent been looking hard enough. perhaps it wasnt supposed to be difficult. i made it difficult and bleak. my lack of faith in the power of an infinite God, putting it instead in the power of a finite mind.
.
havent given up myself, handing myself up to Jesus enough.
thoughts which makes me go dark. foolish neverending rewinding thoughts of darkness.
i try too hard, when actually i dun even have to do so at all. just commit. every bit of me to Him.
.
my heart..it cares. not like how i will care. i nvr bothered to care bout others ever b4.
somehow it was good. cos we are beings of love, either wanting to receive it or give it out.
no one can live a healthy life without love. not even me.
a vaccum is filled and it overflows. i am light..and it is good to care. care bout the world around me.
.
trust is good. its gives hope. had to lose everything. no more thinking on my feet, no more reasoning, no more independence on myself. a thought blackout.
help is here 4 zion. through others, through me but not by my own ability though. i had none to start with, i remind myself. not even mine. All as wat God has promised.
the next steps await.
week 2. things are changing. cell grp, me, my thoughts. it just seems too 'easy' all of the sudden. perhaps i havent been looking hard enough. perhaps it wasnt supposed to be difficult. i made it difficult and bleak. my lack of faith in the power of an infinite God, putting it instead in the power of a finite mind.
.
havent given up myself, handing myself up to Jesus enough.
thoughts which makes me go dark. foolish neverending rewinding thoughts of darkness.
i try too hard, when actually i dun even have to do so at all. just commit. every bit of me to Him.
.
my heart..it cares. not like how i will care. i nvr bothered to care bout others ever b4.
somehow it was good. cos we are beings of love, either wanting to receive it or give it out.
no one can live a healthy life without love. not even me.
a vaccum is filled and it overflows. i am light..and it is good to care. care bout the world around me.
.
zhenYang
9:52 pm
9:52 pm
Monday, June 04, 2007
thanks for all the pple who were actually tagging and showing that i mean something to them. :D
1 month liao. many things have happened. things that i didnt feel like blogging b4. but not now. :)
i got off my butt and made commitments i knew i had to make. struggle? yes. human strength? yes. like duh. i have been like that even with God for the past 20 years. or at least when i grew to be an independent unit.
broken. i didnt know what to do. read my Word? pray? reason? deciper wat is happening and pray the right things? nothing made sense.
so i didnt do anything. gave myself away to God as what i am.
restoration. a brief moment of happiness, worry free joy and freedom. it was good while it lasted. difficult to recall when it was gone. Feelings arent very reliable anyway. :D God's Word was swimming in my mind constantly throughout this time. Foundation that i needed.
saturday. Filling. overflow. uncontrollable. intense. heavy. bent back. wat was it for i cant really remember. but definitely something is going to happen. a decision, a stand has to be made.
a message was passed. it was tough. what is trust?
Main Entry: 1trust
Pronunciation: 'tr&st
Function: noun
1 a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed
2 a : dependence on something future or contingent : HOPE
i decided to commit to this 'trust'..though the idea of trusting God is impossible to me.
TRUST=NOT ME
day 1 of radical conference. same thing. overflow. but its deeply confusing for me not to know exactly what it was 4. all i could really make out of it was that i needed to accept this overflow despite my inferiority and unacceptance of God's blessings.
this few days=????
no definitive instructions no proper line of thought. really strange and scary. as if i lost my past accumulative experiences and lessons. restarting on a clean slate. fears, temptations, bitterness, loneliness, confusion, identity crisis, anger. everything is back. but i lost the power to resist, to address logically the next step or the principle i am supposed to follow to overcome or deal with such. only strangest option left.
Trust in Him.
But how? but wat do i do? how shld i think? what can i pray?
Trust in Him.
1 month liao. many things have happened. things that i didnt feel like blogging b4. but not now. :)
i got off my butt and made commitments i knew i had to make. struggle? yes. human strength? yes. like duh. i have been like that even with God for the past 20 years. or at least when i grew to be an independent unit.
broken. i didnt know what to do. read my Word? pray? reason? deciper wat is happening and pray the right things? nothing made sense.
so i didnt do anything. gave myself away to God as what i am.
restoration. a brief moment of happiness, worry free joy and freedom. it was good while it lasted. difficult to recall when it was gone. Feelings arent very reliable anyway. :D God's Word was swimming in my mind constantly throughout this time. Foundation that i needed.
saturday. Filling. overflow. uncontrollable. intense. heavy. bent back. wat was it for i cant really remember. but definitely something is going to happen. a decision, a stand has to be made.
a message was passed. it was tough. what is trust?
Main Entry: 1trust
Pronunciation: 'tr&st
Function: noun
1 a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed
2 a : dependence on something future or contingent : HOPE
i decided to commit to this 'trust'..though the idea of trusting God is impossible to me.
TRUST=NOT ME
day 1 of radical conference. same thing. overflow. but its deeply confusing for me not to know exactly what it was 4. all i could really make out of it was that i needed to accept this overflow despite my inferiority and unacceptance of God's blessings.
this few days=????
no definitive instructions no proper line of thought. really strange and scary. as if i lost my past accumulative experiences and lessons. restarting on a clean slate. fears, temptations, bitterness, loneliness, confusion, identity crisis, anger. everything is back. but i lost the power to resist, to address logically the next step or the principle i am supposed to follow to overcome or deal with such. only strangest option left.
Trust in Him.
But how? but wat do i do? how shld i think? what can i pray?
Trust in Him.
zhenYang
10:02 pm
10:02 pm
Friday, May 04, 2007
almost cant remember my login password. haha.
many things have happened. It was all good, though nvr easy.
cell improvements, coming back to Him, super relax standby wk..
just have to move on to get to do what i always knew and needed to do but have not been doing.
getting around to resolve strongholds, straightening my thoughts. thinking about what i am thinking. the list goes on.
had a brief 3 day holiday. didnt really enjoy it cos wasnt close to God most of the time. as if i was 'taking a break'. but i could feel He was watching and waiting all the time.
and He gave me more time tml.
so how chin yang?
many things have happened. It was all good, though nvr easy.
cell improvements, coming back to Him, super relax standby wk..
just have to move on to get to do what i always knew and needed to do but have not been doing.
getting around to resolve strongholds, straightening my thoughts. thinking about what i am thinking. the list goes on.
had a brief 3 day holiday. didnt really enjoy it cos wasnt close to God most of the time. as if i was 'taking a break'. but i could feel He was watching and waiting all the time.
and He gave me more time tml.
so how chin yang?
zhenYang
10:11 pm
10:11 pm
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
i am 20. since yesterday. :)
.
wasnt exactly excited. guess it stems back to years back when i lost feeling for birthdays. but hey..was glad pple turned up in church to ask me out for a meal.
.
well i guess i should be happy, in the company of them. i know i was 4 a while..while it lasted with all the talk and laughter. guess it ws something that was wrong within me.
last week or so had been a struggle. surrendering my pride, confessing sins, seeing the same old cycle repeating itself.
breakthough soon? i dun really know. guess i should just go do what i always know.
.
pray.
.
.
wasnt exactly excited. guess it stems back to years back when i lost feeling for birthdays. but hey..was glad pple turned up in church to ask me out for a meal.
.
well i guess i should be happy, in the company of them. i know i was 4 a while..while it lasted with all the talk and laughter. guess it ws something that was wrong within me.
last week or so had been a struggle. surrendering my pride, confessing sins, seeing the same old cycle repeating itself.
breakthough soon? i dun really know. guess i should just go do what i always know.
.
pray.
.
zhenYang
11:46 pm
11:46 pm
Thursday, March 22, 2007
stretch out your hand, place it in mine.
.
stretch out your hand. i am placing Mine in yours. now close it tightly. Hold on to it tightly.
.
stretch out your hand. place it in Mine. that's how things are going to go, how everything is going to be.
.
if only things will go faster. all that was promised coming to past come to pass now. only if i can have things my way and do it my way. if only i can be in the most safest, most comfortable place n yet walking with God. if only the path was wide. if only the race was short. if only the devil is not so strong. if only i can overcome everything by myself. if only i can save all of them. if only i can just depend on myself alone. if only.
i cant deny God. i cant deny Jesus Christ. i cant deny i need Him. i cant deny i cannot. i cant deny i am but human. i cant deny i am but dust. i cant deny i am weak. i cant deny without Him i am nothing. i cant deny a close relationship with God is tough. i cant deny i can only depend on Him. i cant deny i can only depend on Him 4 everything. i cant deny His will. i cant deny the inner need i have to worship God. i cant deny i cant live without Christ. i cant deny i am independent. i cant deny i need Him all the time. (i should print this out and memorise all of this. stop myself from running away from God again.)
too rooted in self. wonder why. keeps popping up. Reason, logicality, man's method, man's ways.
Cant help but start making my own decisions n taking my own steps, reintegrating my ways with my thoughts. a form of subtle denial of God. taking root in me.
getting cleaned up now. looking to God again. at His way, His plans, His timing.
.
stretch out your hand. i am placing Mine in yours. now close it tightly. Hold on to it tightly.
.
stretch out your hand. place it in Mine. that's how things are going to go, how everything is going to be.
.
if only things will go faster. all that was promised coming to past come to pass now. only if i can have things my way and do it my way. if only i can be in the most safest, most comfortable place n yet walking with God. if only the path was wide. if only the race was short. if only the devil is not so strong. if only i can overcome everything by myself. if only i can save all of them. if only i can just depend on myself alone. if only.
i cant deny God. i cant deny Jesus Christ. i cant deny i need Him. i cant deny i cannot. i cant deny i am but human. i cant deny i am but dust. i cant deny i am weak. i cant deny without Him i am nothing. i cant deny a close relationship with God is tough. i cant deny i can only depend on Him. i cant deny i can only depend on Him 4 everything. i cant deny His will. i cant deny the inner need i have to worship God. i cant deny i cant live without Christ. i cant deny i am independent. i cant deny i need Him all the time. (i should print this out and memorise all of this. stop myself from running away from God again.)
too rooted in self. wonder why. keeps popping up. Reason, logicality, man's method, man's ways.
Cant help but start making my own decisions n taking my own steps, reintegrating my ways with my thoughts. a form of subtle denial of God. taking root in me.
getting cleaned up now. looking to God again. at His way, His plans, His timing.
zhenYang
10:27 pm
10:27 pm
Sunday, March 18, 2007
i let myself take over.
dependence on self took root in the very way i think without me realising it.
it was tough when God was uprooting it on saturday. i struggled n held on. but when i decided to let it go, it was even tougher. But the Holy Spirit never fails. God never fails.
.
sat's sermon was on obedience. service started off with a healing session thing. Give thanks for all the miracles. Even for the healing of my cough. though it gotten worse 2day. maybe due to my lack of faith.
thought i already knew bout obedience. Pride blinded me. till Bro RX was preaching that obedience was bout 100% obeying Him.
n i knew exactly why i stand. the many times when i questioned, obeyed with intention of testing God, obeying half-heartedly.
haiz.
.
time to go back. things didnt feel like the same before. not as close.
but u do know wat u should do to get close to me again rite?
time to surrender all over again.
.
went for bbss band concert on friday. mind was wondering. saw some of my ex-students. smiles. reminder of happy times when i was teaching. interacting with people, with children.
children with simple desires and thoughts. no evil, no plotting, no hidden agendas.
a past i cannot go back to.
if only i can speak freely and be myself freely around other people like i did with them.
or shouldnt i be like this all the time? irregardless of who is around me?
or am i too adversely affected by others?
.
dependence on self took root in the very way i think without me realising it.
it was tough when God was uprooting it on saturday. i struggled n held on. but when i decided to let it go, it was even tougher. But the Holy Spirit never fails. God never fails.
.
sat's sermon was on obedience. service started off with a healing session thing. Give thanks for all the miracles. Even for the healing of my cough. though it gotten worse 2day. maybe due to my lack of faith.
thought i already knew bout obedience. Pride blinded me. till Bro RX was preaching that obedience was bout 100% obeying Him.
n i knew exactly why i stand. the many times when i questioned, obeyed with intention of testing God, obeying half-heartedly.
haiz.
.
time to go back. things didnt feel like the same before. not as close.
but u do know wat u should do to get close to me again rite?
time to surrender all over again.
.
went for bbss band concert on friday. mind was wondering. saw some of my ex-students. smiles. reminder of happy times when i was teaching. interacting with people, with children.
children with simple desires and thoughts. no evil, no plotting, no hidden agendas.
a past i cannot go back to.
if only i can speak freely and be myself freely around other people like i did with them.
or shouldnt i be like this all the time? irregardless of who is around me?
or am i too adversely affected by others?
.
zhenYang
9:47 pm
9:47 pm