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WONDERFUL~!

The world just ushered in 2017, I ain't really feeling much special about it and today felt absolutely like any super ordinary Sunday. At this point of time I'm really getting irritated with the keyboard of my one year old laptop *inserts annoyed emoji here*, still not used to typing here. Times have developed so quickly that I think I barely turned on my new laptop for 100 times ever since I got it, as compared to my old laptop where I need to turn it on everyday to use it, there is no need now to turn it on, and I'm not gonna elaborate how Windows 10 and the lag browser loading pisses me off how much too. Sorry I digressed.

So even it is an ordinary Sunday, still it's a new year. Where have 2016 went? I don't really know. That happens to me every year, almost instantaneously forget the past, won't be such a bad thing if it wasn't a good year, the only fear is the the upcoming years would be of no difference.

Ok surely some things did happen in 2016, just recall hard, surely would be able to recall some. But I won't be sharing it here. 2017, there will be some changes, positive or negative I can't say for sure. Sometimes its abit of 认命，听天由命. Some things are beyond my control, and trying to control would only add unnecessary stress to myself. We all need to progress and sometimes meet the inevitable, we just need to be mentally prepared of the things that may happen, sooner or later. It can't be helped that we may feel emotional, but being in the society and at home has taught me nothing but hiding your true emotions would only do you good and avoid all the fussy drama that may happen otherwise. Maybe it's the guarded character and character molding that made me as myself today. I'm not good, but I will always try to be better.

In a blink of eyes, I might already be on my deathbed, and that's life. 

Blind faith?

Today is Vesak Day. Happy Vesak Day to all Buddhist! :)

Ok so today I went to the temple with my family (less Dad coz he is stuck in JB for work). My Aunts, uncle and auntie went together, there were 6 of us, what a good crowd. So as usual, the routine begins, drive to Redhill, climb up that long flight of stairs, find the joss sticks, light them up, find the statues, hold up the joss sticks, shut your eyes, mini bow three times, take one and plant it into the planter (is that what you call it?), find 7 and you are done, find the shrine, remove your footwear (and let a zillion of people step over it) before entering the queue for the shrine, enter the shrine, kneel and pray to the Buddha if you want then join a queue to the monk to get your amulets blessed, they will sprinkle some water on you then give you yellow threads to wear, give you some sweets and you are done!

Here comes the best part, curry cabbage bee hoon!

I'm serious. This was the only part of the whole trip which I understood why I need to do as such. I need to eat because I am hungry and I need food to survive.. Thanks to the free food given out! It was quite yummy actually and this year they gave free drinks! There was Chin Chow, lemongrass and Thai Milk Tea.

Ok the whole point of this, to put it plainly and direct, I don't know why I'm required to do all the above. It's like a blind faith, doing because I'm told to, doing because it's my parent's faith where likely they were "taught" by their parents to do the same thing. I asked myself and attempted to ask my parents, what is the significance of doing all these? Going to the temple, why only on Vesak day? Why pray to Buddha, why do we pray to Buddha, what would Buddha do when we pray to him, why do people bathe the Buddha, is Buddha so dirty that he have to be showered by mortal beings? Why do we need to offer joss stick to him and Guanyin Ma, the joss smell is their food? Why do we need to light up a lamp? Why do we need to offer flowers, why do we need to bathe in flowers?

No one could explain the significance to me.

Perhaps my thoughts are too logical and beliefs are not something that can be argued with logical facts. But not even being able to explain why we do that, just couldn't motivate me to continue doing it (if not for the sake of the parents).

Yes you could argue that I could go and read up and learn about it, but there is no interest in this subject that I would rather put my time to better use, and by definition of that means doing something that I would enjoy more albeit that it could fall under the category of useless things in the eyes of some people.

This entry is not meant to be disrespectful to anyone who celebrates this occasion, but a reflection on what a true faith should entails, which ultimately will lead to enlightenment.

Oh sidenote, I'm typing this on FUFU coz VOVO went to the hospital last week, and its only 6 months old? Still FUFU is the best and most reliable. <3
I would like to blog more often if I have the time, and the compelling thoughts that I need to voice out. Sadly, life is now preoccupied with struggles to get off work on time and seeking engagement and fulfillment. Too blinded, everyone in the society is blind.

Long lost motivation for anything

Someone told me that she is facing quarter life crisis. I replied, then mine would be a one third life crisis.

When you have nothing literally to plan for and to look forward to, you are living your everyday life just.... living how people think you should be living it. Doing those regular things, repeating every day again and again. Occasionally some out of the norm activities that is only enough to keep you happy only during the duration of it. And then after that, you fall back into your regular cycle of endless work, hp, online, sleep, tv work, hp, online, sleep.

Its so un intellectually challenged.

Feeling sick. 

What is life's meaning? Really.

Class gathering

It has been a long while. Today is such a rare occasion where we had a class gathering. A tenners class gathering, 12 of us excluding Ms Lee, our GP tutor. We were at CHIJMES, Prive. It was a beautiful place, albeit the weather was not giving any mercy to us, as you may know that place has no air conditioning and we sat outdoors under the trees. Well well, can't avoid those UV today!

It was a good day, I am happy to see them again. This is also what drove me to type this post which otherwise I would not have. They are such a wonderful cute bunch of people who are so unpretentious. It seemed like time had turned back to 10 years ago when we were still in school. Yes, we had know each other for that long, actually it should be 11 years.

We had the pleasure to have Ms. Lee along with us today, did a mini celebration for her because tomorrow is her birthday. :) She looked so thin, and yes she had aged abit with a little bit of wrinkles on her face, but still the same old Ms. Lee looking stylish. Suddenly I recalled that QY said that Ms. Lee used to wear white tee shirt with huge necklaces and "we" used to ask her where she got them from. Actually its only QY who asked, heh.

Time flies, we have all grown up, aged. I think the gem found is how fond we were of our JC days and how everyone seem to be able to connect and remain true even after long being jaded by the working world.

YL shared her story of her getting lost in the Malaysia jungle for 3 days again, a mandatory sharing. She also got robbed in Cambodia, CS got robbed in Australia. Jiang is studying his PHD cum MBA, the 6th person only to enter into this prestige arrangement. Ari is going to Germany to work for 2 years, and she has a bf based in Aus, wow! YL is going UK for a year for her nursing degree. Seok is getting married, everyone is progressing. It's good and I am happy for them.

I was also awed by how some of them didn't know that Ms. Lee had a daughter which is already 7! Then I realized that it was such a privilege to be her fb friend. We also did a calculation, 6 of the 25 are in healthcare / Pharma! Wow, that is like more than 20% of the class. Ari said something very amusing, if one day the whole world were to die, 10/04 won't die because we have people from all trades and we can survive as one entity. I literally LOL-ed at that. Think about it, 6 in healthcare, 1 police, 1 MFA, about 4 in auditing and finance, 1 in PUB, 1 in teaching, 1 in law, 1 in transportation, 1 in MHA and etc.

Also food for thought, the discussion of a meaningful job was brought to the table, while some said that it is important to have a meaningful job because that is what you are doing majority of the time, there were differing school of thought on how a job should be viewed, at times just a tool for you to earn and live your life meaningfully.

Meanwhile, let me ponder on this. ;)

Friends, friends?

Was just thinking how difficult it is to make true friends at this age, so fragile, yesterday we may be chummy but tomorrow, being unfriended. Even some long time friends, are actually nothing more than merely an acquaintance. Who is important to you, who is not, perhaps at this age, you don't really need each other as much as before, and what more could you ask for than an occasional meetup for "catchup"? True concern or just customary because we haven't meet for a long time?

That day in the drama, someone said this.

"When I was dying, the whole village visited me. When I was well enough to leave the hospital, not a soul came."

"That's life. It's only when you're dying that people remember how good you are."

Well well how true that is, how much would you treasure when it's there? How much would you not take it for granted? How much a person is worth is not by how many friends you have, because for all you may take them as friends, they treat you nothing more than an acquaintance, one that will take pity of you on your deathbed and only lessons for them to not become someone like you.

At 27

I'm 27. Already 27. This feeling is not good, especially when you have nothing to look forward to as you get older. Older, more responsibilities, more things to fight against this world, more lonesome because everyone else is so preoccupied with their own lives to bother about you, literally.

This year, I could count with my 2 hands, the number of people who wished me Happy Birthday. It's a realization, that as you get older, you start losing people around you. You start being lonely, lonesome and unwanted. It's a phase, it's a stage that is unavoidable.

But it is also at times like this, some people step up to make your day better. They become more valued because they make you feel valued. I don't know how long will this last, but I will make the effort to make it last.

Nightmare.

I had a dream this morning, a dream that left me crying when I was awake. When I opened my eyes, tears rolled down, just like this. 

In my dream, it was so vivid. My brother died. I saw the urn and the incense, no photo though. Thoughts of him flowed through in my dream (nightmare more like it). Thought of times when we were younger where he would always disturb me, he would purposely snatch my softtoy and make me chase him around the house for it. We will always run around the big dining table, and I could never ever catch him, so the chase will stop when I am tired and will just let him "torture" my toy till he forgets about it and leave it lying around then I will go and pick it up. There was once that we were at home together, he tricked me into believing that he was breathless then made me panic. I think he enjoyed seeing my panic expression, I think I was only 9 or 10 then. Well, he was only pretending and yes he did manage to trick a gullible me. Then there were times he let me use a pen to draw on the bottom of his feet, I don't know why I actually enjoyed doing that, drawing on his feet! So I would draw weird patterns and things with the pen, and imagine he couldn't move his feet away even if it was ticklish because I was holding onto it. Then at the end of it, he will just take a glimpse of my artwork and brush it away with a laugh. 

So these good memories made this dream even more sorrow. There will be nobody to disturb me anymore, forever.

And the thought that there will be no brother to accompany me when I grow old after the parents are gone is scary. The idea of being all alone, isn't good. Probably my only person to depend on, the only one with a relationship that cannot be changed. 

How glad I am that this is only a dream, and perhaps a sign to treasure.

Exercise...

I'm recently in need... In need of endorphins... To be happy... Actually exercising is really a great thing, it releases endorphins to make you happy, it takes up your time so you don't waste time thinking of unhappy stuff, it clears your mind because when you exercise you feel breathless and tired and on your mind you only think of is how to get more oxygen (well, at least for that 30 odd minutes), and after you exercise, you feel too exhausted to think about anything, your legs or arms hurt that all you say is ouch ouch ouch for every step you take or every move you make. So you forget all your other miseries because there is a crisis in you.

Brilliant eh.

Nothing lasts forever

Nothing lasts for ever, people get together, people break up. People get married, people gets divorced when you least expect it. There are so much things happening around the world and getting shielded from these true yet harsh realities of life does not mean that it doesn't happen.

及时行乐吧!

Trying too hard

Trying too hard to please yourself.

Trying too hard to be outstanding.

Trying too hard to be mainstream.

Trying too hard not to contradict.

Trying too hard to finish the rat race.
(And trying hard to recall that this is an endless rat race)

Trying too hard to be there for every thing, for everyone.

Trying too hard to keep the faith, where is the faith now?

Trying too hard, but never ever tried hard enough.

Who is here with me, who is here for me?