Still stuck

Never before in my life have I felt more stuck. Most days I spend chasing Brynn around and my heart is so happy. She is truly one of the sweetest little ones I have ever been around. Everyone always tells me what a "warm and loving" baby she is and how her smile lights up the room. That is why I feel so guilty for wanting more. Feeling guilty when we have already been blessed with a wonderful daughter and yet wanting more. Technically Brynn shouldn't even be here with us, she has already defied so many odds (especially her vasa previa.) I feel guilty that I still don't feel our family is complete when others struggle so much just to have one...and yet I want another. And most of all, I feel guilty for feeling just a bit sad. A bit sad that even if we are blessed enough to have another someday, because I won't be quite as much in the picture as I was with Brynn. And that is the hardest thing of all for me to admit. I can't move forward until I'm done dealing with that little bit of sadness. I don't think it's fair for anyone involved in our journey moving forward until I do. That has taken me almost a month to be able to admit and write down on here. And I think that might be the first step towards moving forward. At least I hope so.

Stuck, why can't I move forward?

Lately I've been feeling stuck. Stuck about what to say here, that's why I haven't blogged as much lately. Stuck in our process of moving on with my amazing friend and our gestational carrier journey aka "Operation Give Brynn a Sibling." The whole feeling of stuck makes me want to stick my tongue out like Brynn does often. ( I was looking at photos from last month and saw this one...made me smile : - ) Just a short while ago we seemed so ready to charge ahead with the process. We ever had that good meeting with our RE and started the testing process. But then....stuck. My husband and I for various reasons just aren't ready to complete this journey that we started with my friend M yet. We still want to add to our family in this way with M, we still want to use our frozen embryo kiddos that we have from our first IVF cycle, we still want more than one child. But because I'm stuck...we won't be doing a transfer this month or next.

I have to say that the very fact that I feel a bit stuck does scare me a bit. I'm not sure if it's just jitters, cold feet, or what. I completely want to do this amazing process that the most wonderful friend is giving us the gift of opportunity to do. I just wasn't ready to do it this month or next. Of course M is amazing and is okay with not doing this now. We all would like to do this fairly soon, at a time that works for both families of course. But I'm stuck. I hate to keep typing that. But it is so true....so stuck.

Growing up at my small Catholic school they didn't teach you about this in sex ed, there were no videos that discussed adding to your family other than the traditional way. I feel like we're venturing into an area that is far from traditional. I feel like I've wandered off the yellow brick road and that we're not quite in Kansas anymore. When taking your marriage prep classes at our church they kind of left out the discussion about using a gestational carrier - or any type of infertility reproductive medicine for that matter. What I think I'm trying to do is realize that we might kind of have our own yellow brick road to travel upon. That I might not be the typical Dorthy and that not everyone has to fit in all neat and traditional or Kansas - like. (No offense to the state of Kansas, we're only talking hypothetical Wizard of Oz talk LOL!)

So if anyone has any words of advice on how I can stumble back onto that darn yellow brick road and get "unstuck" so I can get on with this journey of adding to my family....I'm all ears.
In the meantime, I'll be teaching Brynn how to nicely play with her doggie so that no one gets hurt, LOL!

Mobile action

Wow I've been a bad blogger...a very bad blogger indeed! A real post is coming soon I promise. This afternoon I'm just chasing this little one who is all of the sudden very mobile, 10 months and well over 15lbs. Getting so fast you're leaving me in the dust. Gosh girl, we love you!

Why did I buy maternity jeans?

Today I was going through some clothes trying to separate some for Good.will and to find some more room for what I wanted to keep. At the bottom of one pile was a pair of maternity jeans. To be honest they stopped me cold in my tracks. Last spring I had spent hours scouring for the perfect pair of maternity jeans - ones that would be long enough (I'm 5'11) and ones that didn't look like.... well....maternity jeans. I think I was around 10 weeks pregnant when I bought them. Far enough into my pregnancy to feel comfy that I was almost out of the first trimester danger zone. Yet before everything changed around 12 weeks. Before I needed my cerclage and before I knew I would spent much of my second trimester and all of my third in the hospital. I had bought them before I was pregnant enough to wear them, but by the time I was pregnant enough to wear them I was either in the hospital or had lost so much weight from getting sick at the end that I never got to wear them. I glanced down, they still had the tags on them.

My thoughts went forward a bit and I realized that I hadn't worn them during the time when we were expecting our first child and even if we are blessed enough to be expecting a second child someday....I won't be wearing them then either. It felt so odd. In the months leading up to our IVF I would secretly stare into the maternity stores when I went shopping and dream of the days that I could join the ranks of the pregnant moms to be shopping for bargains - or splurging on that one perfect piece. So when our IVF worked, I think that is why I found such joy in buying these jeans to begin building my perfect maternity wardrobe. But it quickly became a wardrobe that I never got to wear. My maternity wardrobe instead grew to consist of a hospital gown and the IVs that delivered me my nutrition to feed my growing daughter along with some jello thrown in. That is why those maternity jeans with the tag on them still make me feel odd. Not sad...just odd. And as we make plans in the months ahead to add to my family - those maternity jeans won't be a part of that process either. And to be honest at times that makes me feel odd too. Not sad, just odd.

Maybe someday part of us having a family and all the things we're doing to get there won't seem odd - but rather will feel a bit more normal. So until then I've just shoved those maternity jeans to the bottom of the closet again until I'm ready accept that things will never quite be normal for us. Someday I'll realize that's okay...I'm not quite there just yet...but I'm working on it. And I think I'm finally getting closer. And that's a great feeling.

Nine month appointment

This past week Brynn had her nine month appointment at the doctor. All in all it was a good appointment. They went over the normal growth and development and asked what she was doing, eating, etc. Her height was around 27 inches which correlated with her noggin (head, lol!) and was in the 25% adjusted. Brynn actually sat on the baby scale instead of lying down on it like she had been content at doing in appointments past and seemed to be a bit more mellow for her weigh in. She weighed in at 14lbs 15 oz for her nine month mark. She's not yet on the growth curve for weight but has made some good progress from her previous visits. Her pediatrician and I went over some good high calorie food options for her to continue on like her whole milk baby yogurt, avacados, etc. Also we went over the amount of breastmilk that she was taking which was easy to figure out since I'm exclusively pumping these days and supplementing with formula at night time. (As I mentioned she officially gave up the breastfeeding game a while back.) She didn't see her cardiologist at that appointment but her regular pediatrician thought that things we continuing to go well (more accelerated weight gain, no increase in the circumoral blueness with feeding, no increase in the amount of murmer heard upon listening to her heart.) So these are all very good things!

We went over sippy cups, crawling, finger foods and all the normal stuff that are the big activities for this age. Her doctor asked if she had some signs of separation anxiety or stranger anxiety. She said that those are actually healthy things at this age and show a good bond between parents and their children. I had to giggle though because Brynn seems to love everyone she meets and doesn't really cry when we leave her with my mom or a sitter. But then again - maybe it just means she's going to be a social butterfly :-) She has tried to crawl more and more these days, mostly Brynn just army crawls or rolls to where she wants to go. She gets up on all fours and rocks, but doesn't make much traditional crawling style. That's okay with me though...she still gets where she wants to go. Brynn is pretty good at picking up Cheerios and banana chunks but doesn't like to put them in her mouth. She'll grab several in each hand and then open her mouth like a baby bird wanting you to feed her, LOL! She's trying to start to use her sippy cup - not too successful...but at least she's interested in trying. Right now I just put water in it sometimes and breast milk at others. What's in in doesn't seem to matter to her, it just depends on her mood for the day.

Her doctor asked what her favorite toys or TV shows were, as well as how much television she watched. She actually laughed when I said that one of the only main shows that Brynn seems to like is Big Brother, especially when Kevin the one character talks! What can I say, the baby has good taste :-) She still also loves her ring set, her sea horse glo- worm at bedtime and her real life puppy dog Neela. Brynn especially shrieks with delight when we play fetch with Neela and she returns the dog toy to us. On certain moments Neela will actually bring the toy back to Brynn which I just think is the cutest thing.

Well it's back to Big Brother and then off to bed. 4:30AM comes around pretty quickly for work!

Happy belated nine months

Happy nine months little girl, you have given us the best nine months ever and we love you so much! I've been working the last few days and couldn't post a better update - but I promise we'll do it soon! (Photo was taken by a coworker in our backyard recently)

First appointment at the RE for round two

Well last Thursday was our first appointment with our RE for round two. M dropped off her two younger kiddos at our house and my other friend watched M's two little ones and Brynn. When we arrived at the office, M kept joking with me about all the pictures of babies that are in the RE's waiting room - mainly the ones with twins, triplets and even a few quads, LOL! Boy wouldn't that be a shocker if we ended up with more than one! All in all the appointment went off without a hitch. M and I met with my doctor and went through the process of a frozen cycle and then we were able to get some of the testing done that is necessary for M. There's still more that has to be done for all four of us at a later date closer to the actual transfer. It's so weird saying the four of us instead of the two of us :-) My RE said that basically the FDA treats the transfer of an embryo to a gestational carrier like the transfer of any other organ - such as a kidney. Kind of interesting, I never looked at it quite that way. He also discussed how many of our frozen embryos we would want to transfer to M. My RE said that each of the three frozen embryos have about a 50% chance of surviving the thaw. His recommendation was to transfer two embryos (if we are lucky enough to have two survive thaw). So transfering two would be our ideal since that is his recommendation.

Next we met with my favorite nurse and went over a few more details such as timing and further screening. Basically timing that works well for both us as well as M and her family. Our next step is that M has to call the clinic when she starts her cycle in September for some day three lab work as well as a few other things. Basically I'm not in a huge hurry - I'm feeling really good that the process was started and that M finally got to meet my RE and some of the office staff. If things take a little longer than originally planned or we want to take all the screening slowly - that's totally cool with me. I just want everything to be as low stress and low key as possible for both us and M's family of course. Low pressure is good for everyone I think, well as low pressure as possible :-)

Today I have Brynn's 9 month well visit checkup and am hoping that goes well and uneventful as well. Later this week I am meeting with my OB/gyn to discuss the process of M delivering with him if we (M) are blessed enough to become pregnant at some point in this process. I always enjoy his imput on things so I want to meet with him as well since he will be an integral part in this process. As I mentioned M has delivered through him before so that is one less thing to worry about. She also has a wonderful doctor that she delivered her daughter through so we're lucky to have two good people to chose from if need be (that's totally up to M of course.)

Well I'm off to make Brynn another snack...I swear that kiddo is eating like a champ as always...and constantly, LOL! Her favorite food this week is brocolli and nectarines. Not together of course :-) Hope everyone is having a great week and sorry for the slow update.

Work and start to an exciting week for us all

Last Friday the weather was nice outside so I decided to take some photos of Brynn outside in our yard. She hates the bright sunlight so I tried to do it when it wasn't super sunny.

She was a champ sitting through most of them but I swear she was thinking "Why oh why do you insist on more silly photos?"

"Oh my goodness - you caught me playing with my latest favorite toy" - the red ring with rattles."This ring is not only fun, but tasty too!"

Brynn's other favorite thing to do lately is creep up on the dog and stuff Neela's whole tail in her mouth. Neela is tolerant but looks at her like...dude that is not too cool!

Over the last week I've picked up an extra couple of days at work. The overtime that used to be so abundant is now starting to dry up a bit with the cruddy economy. Nurse anesthetists used to be able to work almost whenever they wanted to but it seems like people are picking up more and more time so there is less available. Seems that most of my coworker's spouses have jobs that are unstable - many in the auto industry since we're near Detroit. So I've kind of been taking it when I can get it. Overall work has been going well. We did an eight hour crani (craniotomy) for a guy who had a four inch brain tumor on Sunday. Because our staffing was short I had to call the anesthesiologist for a bathroom break. After about six hours I thought I was going to burst, LOL! Despite being one of the largest brain tumors I've seen the patient was doing well on Monday, extubated and even talking. Amazingly enough it wasn't a cancerous tumor either thank heavens. Hopefully he'll have a great prognosis.

In other areas...Brynn has been chowing on her cheerios like they're made of gold. She screams until she gets one in her mouth and then she bursts into this grin like she just ate the best tasting treat. Although usually I have to help her get one in her mouth since she just gets frustrated. Watching her try to pick one up in her chubby little hands and miss makes me smile. She grasps her hands right next to one and then misses. I was telling one of my CRNA friend's it's kind of like watching the surgical residents try to use the laparoscopic instruments for the first time in laparoscopic surgery or ones using the Da Vinci robotic equipment. They try to pick up tissue or an organ with the grasper and they keep missing it since they have to stare at the monitor to use as a reference and not view the object directly.

Then in two days we have our first appointment with our RE and my friend to discuss details of "Operation give Brynn a sibling." I'm getting pretty excited to hear any more details that he'll have to share with us. It'll be different going to an appointment at the fertility clinic with someone other than my husband or by myself. This little journey won't just be the two of us!

Almost nine months and shopping already

Can't believe Brynn is approaching nine months old already. July has just flown by and we've been spending some time in up north Michigan at my parent's cottage. I'll try to upload some photos over the next few days of us at their place. But perhaps even more enjoyable than that is the time that Brynn and I have spent doing some mom and daughter shopping. With the cruddy economy shopping takes a bit more skill these days and you really have to look for a good deal. But Brynn and I did pretty well last week. At Nordstoms we found a fall coat for her at half price since it's July and technically the off season. When I asked Brynn if she liked it - she grabbed it and nestled it right up to her face. We had an instant winner! Then when we got home she modeled it for her dad. Needless to say she was pretty wiped out after all that shopping and crashed in the pack and play at my parent's later that day :-)

Brynn had another check up yesterday at the doctor's and it was a good one. Things with her heart are holding status quo and they're still just monitoring things. That is the best news we can hear right now. No news is good news if you know what I mean. She also weighed in at a whooping 14lbs! Not bad for almost 9 months!

More to update soon - but Brynn is crying and I have a feeling it's because Big Brother is about to come on and we have on the wrong channel. Hope everyone is having a good week and looking forward to catching up :-)

Planning our next move - " Operation Give Brynn a Sibling"

Well, we're full steam ahead with the plans for our friend M and our gestational carrier cycle. I'm thinking we'll call it "Give Brynn a sibling Operation 101 - Top Secret Ops!" Well, okay not so top secret since I'm detailing it here, LOL! M got all of the paperwork from our RE over the last few days and some areas are a bit fuzzy. Since the whole surrogacy thing here in MI is not possible I think we're going to bypass the few things that are covered by insurance such as HIV and STD testing and just pay out of pocket as not to raise any flags. I just got off the phone with my OB's office and set up an appointment the first week of August in a few weeks to go over things with him as to our plans. Basically my OB delivered M's kids but she has since transfered to an OB closer to her house. After discussing things it seems like we would deliver numero two (aka operation 101 Top secret Ops) through my OB once again for several reasons. My OB knows of our plan to do a gestational carrier pregnancy - but I just want to solidify plans with him and make sure we're all on the same page. That will be dealt with at the appointment in a couple of weeks. If M would rather deliver through her current OB I'm totally cool with that. Anything to make things easier for her since she is already doing so much for us. But at the moment delivering through mine is the plan. There are a lot of positives and negatives to this plan - but I definitely think the positives outweigh the negatives at the moment. More thoughts on that later. Basically - my OB works where I work and delivers with the people I work with. Enough said - privacy can only be kept to a certain extent when that is the case. However - on a positive note....the care I got while on bedrest and in the hospital those last few months was phenominal. It's like being taken care of by friends...enough said once again, LOL!

Normally our insurances would cover some of the testing such as the HIV screen and STD testing of all partners as said. The rest is all out of pocket such as the meds, ultrasouds, mock transfer and transfer itself. That being said - I believe we'll just do all out of pocket to make things easier as far as the hopefully once we get pregnant part. Aug 4th is my appointment to discuss things in further depth with my OB (if I don't get a chance to at work first). Then two days later on Aug 6th M and possibly her husband also will do their lab work and screening as well as meeing with my beloved RE. At that time I'm hoping he'll go through all the med cycle and mock transfer with M - all of which I've told her already. But to hear it from the doc is always nice. Hubby and I will get our lab work drawn also at that time. Then it's full steam ahead. I'm thinking maybe sometime this fall? All will depend on M and what she wants to do of course.

Part of me is so excited to begin this next process. But part of me is so worried all at the same time. We are thawing three embryos. What if we do the meds and cycle and put M through all the ultrasounds and none of the embryos survive? What if all survive - should we transfer all three? What if we even transfer two and both take in M's great uterus? What if she ends up on bedrest? What if they take and M has a miscarriage and has to undergo a D & C just because of us? She is so wonderful and says this is all do-able....but I feel like she is being such an amazing person. I just want everything to go so smoothly for her and her family. She is a God send literally. I just want nothing but the best for her and worry if anything goes anyway but picture perfect. I know most pregnancies are just fine. But because ours was anything but, I worry for her...you know? She has a great record with three perfect pregnancies so things should be good...but you never know. She is like a sister to me and I just worry because that's in my nature....worry wart Sara.

Birthday parties

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This past weekend was birthday party central weekend. On Friday night my husband and I went out for my birthday since it was one of the only nights that we would have a sitter. My friend's younger sister came over to sit and we had dinner and did some shopping. I found a good deal at Banana Republic on a sweater for only 12 dollars! Neela our doggie spent the evening relaxing with our sitter in her normal nonstress doggy style evening.
On Saturday morning we woke up and took Neela to the doggie groomer for a haircut because as you can tell in the photos she had gotten very long and scruffy. It's a little drive away, about 40 minutes. But it's well worth it because it's hard to get a groomer who is used to cutting a Bolognese dog like her. All other groomers cut her like a poodle instead of more similar to a Bichon so we do the drive every so many weeks. Plus she seems to like them, so it's worth it for our furbaby. Saturday afternoon we went to the birthday party for my friend's son who turned four. Her aunt and uncle made some great Mexican food (most of the family is from Mexico) and so my tummy went home happy. It was pretty warm out and so we gave Brynn a few extra bottles since she was looking a little sunned out if you know what I mean. At night we put Brynn in the normal bathtub for her first big girl bath in the beach bath chair we had gotten for one of our showers months ago. I think she really likes it. We all ended up really wet, but we got a lot of good smiles out of the deal!

Sunday my husband brought up Brynn's Mustang car which she seems to absolutely love. I swear this child has more toys than we have room for. She honks the horn and it "Beep, beep beeps!" She squeals in delight and it cracks me up. Later that morning we went house shopping and although finding a few that caught our eye, I still don't think we're quite ready yet to make that next jump. That is a whole another post for a different day. Then Sunday afternoon we went down to my mom's for a birthday party for my day and myself with my side of the family. We had pizza, cake and ice cream and my sister's kid's ran around like wild horses. It's so funny that just a year ago this weekend we were 19 weeks pregnant with Brynn and had just found out she was a little girl. Now we're marching towards number two and it's making my head spin. I have so many worries, but most of all I'm just excited and have been happier than I have in the months past.

Tonight I'm planning on getting caught up with the first two episodes of Big Brother. I don't think I have a favorite character yet. How about you? Candy...come on now...spill the beans!

At the moment I'm drying the cover to my Graco high chair that Brynn decided to projectile vomit on this morning. It's the first time I've had to washing machine wash it so we'll see how it goes. For dinner I think I'll do some Spicy Thai peanut bake pork chops and some rice. Hopefully in the evening we'll be able to squeeze in a walk or so. The weather has been gorgeous here lately and with Michigan I know you have to soak up every last minute of it. Only 3 more weeks to our appointment with M and the RE to begin our frozen embryo cycle. YIKES!

Appointment results, so sorry so late!

I am so sorry for the late update - computer problems have been the name of the game at our house this past week. Our laptop that was broken and then fixed by my husband is now again on the fritz. So it's taken a few days for the update - I'm so sorry. Monday came and went and we had our appointment with our RE. I dropped off Brynn at my mom's in the afternoon and met my husband at the office. Basically it was an informational meeting but it was so nice again to see the wonderful staff how helped us achieve our dream of becoming parents to our little girl Brynn. We brought pictures and the staff was so happy to see some updated versions of the little one that they had known as a three celled "aggressive embryo" as they had called her. She had been the slowest growing and at the end grew the fastest which is why we transfered her versus the other embryos. Funny how things work out. We discussed our wishes with my favorite RE and he completely supports us in our choice to use a gestational carrier. He had already talked with my OB and peri and they are on the same page. Basically we have an appointment the first week of August with my friend M and possibly her husband along with the RE to discuss the process. At that time we might do some mandatory blood work screening, or if not we'll do it sometime around that date. They basically treat the transfer of embryos like the transfer of any other foreign tissue so all four of us have to do the screening for HIV, STD's etc that my husband and I had to do for our IVF cycle with Brynn. After that it would basically take 2 months to do the transfer. After coordinating with M's cycle, she would start on a downregulation phase of Lupron shots for a few days and then medication to thicken her lining. At the time of the transfer all three of embryos would be thawed.

Of the three embryos thawed each stand around a 50% chance of surviving thaw. Depending on how many survive and how many we transfer each based on our history have about a 50% chance of implanting post transfer. M would take progesterone - probably Endome.trin like I have used with our cycle with Brynn as supplemental support post transfer. So where do we go from here? Well....we have an appointment for August 6th in the afternoon with at least M and myself and the RE. To say I'm excited would be the understatment of the century. We went shopping today and had a great time and firmed up some dates for appointments. Did I forget to mention I bought a cute pair of shoes also? Yup I do, LOL!

This all seems so surreal. I just can't believe that in a few short months we might be in the middle of a frozen embryo transfer. We have been blessed beyond our wildest dreams to have this opprotunity at our fingertips, and it is not one I will ever take for granted.

Exciting week for us all, eight months

This week had me so excited that I could barely sleep last night. We had a great fourth of July and I hope you all had the same. Today at 2:00ish we meet with my RE for our surrogacy consult appointment with my good friend M. I can't but help feel that we're opening a whole new door towards the next step in our lives as our family. It's almost like we're starting the next step to complete the dream I've held towards completing our family that I've envisioned since I was a little girl. There is nothing I want more than to give our little girl Brynn a brother or sister to call her own. And since I know that this is not possible with us by ourselves, I can't wait to start the journey with my best friend. Then Wednesday Brynn has another EKG and pediatrician appointment. She turns 8 months this week and I'm proud to say she was 13lbs 4 oz. Beefcake! Gaining slowly, but gaining is key. No blueness over the last few days and she's eaten like a champ. So proud of our girl and I'll update later after our appointment!

I love you puppy

This week has been especially a good one. On the weekend my nephew came and spent the night and we had pizza and ice cream and played Monopoly until 1AM, just don't tell his mom! Then the rest of the weekend the hubby and I went shopping and I went for a run and put in about 3 miles which was a good feeling. Today I was at work and was up in labor and delivery. Did a few epidurals and one C-section for a placenta abruption at 27 weeks. The little one weighed little over 1.8 lbs. But he was a fighter so I'm keeping him in my prayers. Mom was only 16 and I'm sure has a long road ahead...keeping her in my prayers as well. Tomorrow morning I have a 4AM start time down in the open heart room. Double valve replacement - aortic and mitral valve redo. Those ones are tricky cases but will hopefully do okay. I'm so excited for our apointment at my RE next Monday I can barely sleep...hopefully it'll go okay. Just informational, but still. It's so exciting to be at that next step.

We have another appointment at her cardiologist in a couple of weeks so we hope that those go okay. Still doing the frequent feedings of mostly breastmilk and hoping for good weight gain. She continues to amaze me from day to day so I have very good faith that things will be okay. Every day that I work up in labor and delivery I have people tell me that they are hoping and praying for her so that gives me faith, you know? Her favorite thing is currently the moose on Noggin channel - she loves him so my husband has perfected his voice to sound just like him. She looks at him in admiration. It is so sweet it makes my heart smile :-) Hope everyone is having a good week and thank you so much for following along with us!

EKG and 7 1/2 months

Can't believe how the time is flying these days. It seems like we get up and go to work or get stuff ready for the day and before you know it, it's bedtime again! Brynn had her couple appointments over the last few days and as I mentioned she's a whooping 12 pounds. That is pretty good on the weight gain department. She is still not on the growth chart for weight but in the 70th percentile for length so I'll take it! Long skinny baby of mine :-) Her EKG was not my favorite so far. It showed slight left heart sided enlargement. Not a fan of that with her ASD and VSD. Her pediatrician was not happy. Ho hum. Trying to stay zen, right?

On the developement side she is doing great however. She is rolling over like a mad woman leaving me to frantically baby proof the house at lightening speed. She has found a new love for solid food over her bottle from everything from home made sweet potatoes to avacodo. Did I mention that I love making her food? It's a bit time consuming but once you get in the hang of things it's no biggie. Tupperware ice cube trays with the snap on lids are my favs. She still is loving the Neela puppy and they are truly best buds. Neela sleeps at the foot of her crib both during naps and at night time. So cute. I just want to eat it up.

On the breastfeeding pumping front...it's still a go. She basically only likes to breastfeed in the morning. She will occasionally BF in the late afternoon, but not on a regular basis. That leaves me expressing breastmilk about 6-7 times a day. But whatever. It seems to be working for us. Electriclady...and I need to get her link up has some great tips for us who exclusively express milk....and it has been a life saver for me. I get to only give her about 4-6 oz of formula a day and the rest is expressed breastmilk. I'm hoping to keep this up towards the year mark as much as possible.

I've basically learned that there are a lot of ways to breastfeed your baby even if they won't technically breastfeed! Still working part time, doing the mom thing part time and trying to have some fun in between. Each morning with the Brynn girl is a challenge, but it is so rewarding all at the same time. Each milestone she meets makes may heart smile. I honestly think in just a few short years we'll look back on these times and say..."remember when..."
I'm trying to work out the balance between solid feeding and bottles at the moment. Brynn seems to love food over bottles at the moment so I'm trying to make that balance.

Chicago pictures

Here's a few pictures of our recent trip to Chicago. Brynn thought the water and high buildings were pretty cool!




Although all the action left her pretty tired most days. She found her new favorite thing with falling asleep in our hands :-)

Brynn totally didn't like the water. She smiled at first but then cried. We'll try again sometime soon!


The whole way there we followed this crazy cow on a truck the way there on I-94 from Michigan to Illinois. Weird, eh?

Brynn loved the Aquarium - I think she thought it was like one giant glow machine that she was used to in her crib :-)


Most days were actually only in the upper 50's and cloudy - but the first few were sunny and we got to enjoy Navy Pier.

View from our apartment at night. Brynn loved the lights and looking out.

Brynn loved Navy pier and the sun during the day. With her binky or pacifier of course! She had only minimal episodes of hypoxia and blueness the whole trip. We were in touch with a cardio team out of Chicago but it was a smooth go! We're going to be involved in a vasa previa study at our local hospital this week so that's pretty much what we're up to. Brynn has another EKG Thursday at her pediatrician - weight check was over 12 pounds Monday - wooh hooh! That is great news! Just one day at a time and are very thankful for the little things, you know? Once again - been a bad blogger - but we did reschedule our appt at the fertility doctor to find out some info on moving forward with our fertilized embryos for Monday June 6th. Nothing too major...just an info meeting. But I'm still optomistic. It's the only way I feel comfy!

We're home

Finally home from vacation and trying to tie up some loose ends. Pictures to follow hopefully tomorrow? Brynn has come so far in the last week while we're away it blows my mind away. Tonight we're going to take her to our parish festival of the church that I grew up at. I'm hoping that the rain holds off. Tomorrow a nurse that I work with who does photography on the side is going to come take her 6 (well 7 month now) photos. Monday I have a weight check at the pediatrician as well as a bit more blood work and EKG. I'm hoping for 12 lbs 4 oz...how about you?

Here in Chicago

Well, our vacation in Chicago is winding down to an end. I'm looking forward to updating some photos when I return home at the end of the week. But it has been such a great vacation. My husband and I have spent some great evenings out just the two of us to rekindle some couple time while my friend's little sister (who we took with us) watches Brynn in the loft that we rented for the week. (Would had been perfect if the Red Wings could just finish up the Stanley Cup of course!) And during the day we have showed Brynn a lot of new experiences that she has just been eating up. We took her to the aquarium which she's loved and also taken her swimming in the pool for the first time. She looks out the window of our 36th floor loft at the traffic below and is like, "Wow, mom....what's all that stuff below?" She just recently started muttering "Da da" and she said "ba ba (bottle)" today as well. It's been so nice to get away from some of the worries and stress of her recent health problems at home and I'm looking forward to returning home with a new easier...more carefree attitude when we return. Hope everyone is having a great week!

Chicago and almost 7 months!

Older pic I know...just hate boring picture free posts, LOL!
Thank you as always for all of your kind words. I feel the need to say thank you a lot these days, but I'm feeling like a pretty lucky girl to have both a good online and IRL support system. Sorry for the boring picture free posts. Our laptop is on the fritz and all of my recent photos are on our portable hard drive AKA hard to post recent pictures. Brynn is doing okay - she'll be 7 months at the end of this week and is 11 lbs 12 oz. I'm so proud of our little girl. She continues to vomit up most formula but does great on breastmilk so I pump or feed round the clock and it's really helping her weight gain - she's up quite a bit this month I do love my sleep - but it's a small price to pay for a growing girl. Brynn looked at me the other day and said "mama." I thought it was just a joke....but she said it 3 more times that day for my mom and dad and the hubby. Melts my heart. Her big ole grin and kicking of the legs along with the excited phrase "mama." How did I get so lucky? Just praying she is okay in my thoughts and prayers.

Food and work. My main two focuses these days. Work is going so well. I spend most of my days either up in labor and delivery doing epidurals for the moms or down in the open heart room. Guess you could say I'm an anesthetist who loves pregnant bellies and open hearts, LOL! But yesterday we did a neuro case on a gentleman with a glioblastoma brain tumor - he did really well and was both moving everything and talking after surgery and it was so rewarding. I'm keeping him in my prayers for an OK recovery. Such a nice man - father of two little girls both 2 amd 4. Food- Brynn. She is loving solid foods these days. I've made her carrots, sweet potatoes, pears, apples, bananas, pears and prunes. She loves them all and I think I have about a months supply in the freezer. I'm still pumping and then feeding her 2 - 3 meals a day of food. Not sure where the kiddo packs it away to. While feeding her I still get the blueness around her lips and hands occasionally. Doesn't give me warm fuzzies - but I'm trying to stay Zen about the whole thing. I know that the central core circumoral hypoxia of the lips is worse than the extremities...but on most days she has both. So, we'll deal with it as it comes. I have a follow up echo shortly with her cardiologist so we'll see how things look at that time.

Basically if she has any increase in symptoms they're talking surgery. If things stay status quo we'll monitor for now (EKG, chest X ray, extra - monitoring for pulminary hypertension, etc.) I just wake up every morning and hope it's a good day for the little girl. She's so happy and care free - she has no idea that her heart isn't quite right. I just smile at her and flash her my best mommy grin so she has no worries. I'll leave the worrying to me and the carefree baby play to her, you know?

We're still planning a few day get away in Chicago at the end of this week. We rented a loft downtown on the Mile and are taking our nanny with us so we can have a few relaxing mom and dad dinners away. I think it's good for the marriage and both of our sanity. During the days we'll do family time with all of us and Brynn and my friend's little sister has some friends and family nearby she's going to visit. Hopefully it'll work out well. I hope everyone is having a great week and thanks again for all of your kinds words and prayers.... I'm just taking it one day at a time. That's all we can do right?

Need to post something

I know I need to post something. Just not sure what to say other than just taking one day at a time. Just keeping my fingers crossed that this ASD and VSD close on their own and that we're not looking at heart surgery on our little girl. Brynn is slowly gaining weight and we're just slowly following along with her doctors. Maybe more tomorrow? I was always a towering girl as a kid so I find it so weird to have this 11 lb almost 7 month old, LOL! Especially when your husband is 6' 3''.Your good thoughts and prayers are more than than weight in gold and if I could hug each of you I would. Instead I'll just thank God that he brought you into our little bloggy life! Thank you so much...

Two holes

Yes today I found out Brynn has not one but two holes in her heart. Still processing what this all means. The great news is that they're small, so I'm trying to stay light hearted. But crapola......I wish that my daughter didn't have any any holes in her heart. And I wish that her weight also put her on the growth chart. For now we just watch things. But...gee....I wish Brynn was without the holes. I just knew that something wasn't right, and now I know I was right. Mommy instinct is never wrong I guess. But in this case I wish it was.

48 hours will tell it all

I feel so silly. I have everything to write...but I have nothing to write. In just 48 short hours I'll know if our little girl is A-OK or could possibly need heart surgery. My hopes are that everything is fine - but my mommy and nurse instinct tells me otherwise. Somehow...I know something just isn't right. Today Brynn started sweating as she ate - wonderful. But yet I'm trying not to jump to conclusions. That is so easy to do these days. I just want to know what's going on. This past weekend I worked both days, and both days seemed an eternity. I just want to know our story...and what is going on with our family. It was actually a great weekend at work - Saturday I did a bowel resection and then just two C-sections. And Sunday we did two hip replacements and then I actually lounged around and watched Desperate Housewives finale while on call. Actually just about as good of a weekend as one could ask for work wise...but still....seemed an eternity.

As I was saying...I have nothing to say, but everything to say....if that makes any sense. I stay awake at night and stare at the ceiling. I just wish I could sleep. I listen for any cry, any wimper on the monitor. I want to rush in at any sign that things aren't right. But I know that's crazy. Brynn is asleep and fine. But yet I know that something is not quite right with our little girl. The lovely shade of purple and blue that her hands, feet, and lips turn while I feed her tell me otherwise. And I'm just so worried. I just worry about our girl.

Blog community is the best

I just wanted to say that I am overwhelmed by your thoughts and prayers and think that you are such a wonderful group of people. I know I've said it before...but I just wish I knew a better way to say thank you. Spent the rest of the week trying to go about things as normal while things seem anything but normal. Right now I'm watching the Lost season finale, but I have to admit I'm feeling a bit lost myself, LOL! Yesterday someone who has watched Brynn before several times watched her for the last couple of hours while I was at work (my parents watched her the first few) and she was anxious to give Brynn to my husband when he got home from work. She had tried to feed her a bottle for two hours and was having trouble because Brynn kept getting tired and refusing to eat. I think this is because it was someone who was not used to her, and the little bit of extra attention she is needing lately to do some basic things like take her bottle. She gets so easily tired while eating lately, it takes a bit of finesse to feed her. I'm realizing that doing some of the basic things for Brynn lately are anything but basic. My friend's sister seems to do so much better with her, along with my parents and husband so I'm thinking we'll have to make sure that any time Brynn is left even for a short while it's with someone who is really good at handling her. I'm also beginning to appreciate the fact that I'm only working part time at the moment. Yes the money of working full time as a CRNA is nice, but there are certainly more important things right now like Brynn. So for now that'll be my focus.

Pediatric cardiology appointment

I feel horrible because I have been so absent on commenting lately. I've totally been reading and following along with each of you, but the last few days have been a bit hectic around the house. No excuses are good, but I'm hoping that things settle down soon. Brynn had her 6 month appointment today and she got things a bit more settled with the cardiologist appointment. She weighed in at 11 pounds 7 ounces. Not quite on the growth chart but close. So less than the 3rd percent. Hmmm. I thought it was a bit more than that. Height was 26 inches. 70th percentile. Basically one long skinny kid, Lol! For the amount that the kiddo eats I'm shocked that she doesn't weigh more, but I'm trying not to obsess over things. She's happy and active and that's all that matters. She flashes me the biggest smile and all seems right in the world.

I talked with the cardiologist at the major hospital medical center near us and they would like to see her while she has her echocardiogram. So basically we've put off her appointment until next Wednesday because it allow us to have her cardiologist present at her echocardiogram. He can then read it while it's being done and he will also do an EKG and read it at the time also. If her heart function is depressed at all she'll be started on Digoxin or a similar medication to help her heart function. Her pediatrician watched her feed today and confirmed what I had been talking about with her lips turning blue as well as her hands and feet. She also heard a heart murmer on the 2nd intercostal space which may actually signify her having not only a VSD, but an ASD as well. F me....F-ck me. Please oh please let our little girl be okay. I'm so worried about her. Gosh I just want her to be okay. I just wish that any lab draw or test could be done on me and not her. She's done nothing to deserve all of this and I just want her to be okay. She is the reason that I want to get up in the morning and the reason that I do everything during the day. She is my light and my hope and the thoughts of all things good. I am blessed to be able to call myself her mother. Little girl I love you so much. Three years ago I dreamed of you, wished and hoped for the day that I would have someone to love and call my own. Then came you. We thought we were going to lose you so many steps along the way. But if you can survive a life threatening undiagnosed vasa previa so then this is small peanuts. You're a fighter and if anyone can get through this I know you can!

But if you don't mind...please keep her in your thoughts and spread along the request along the way. It is so appreciated!

Brynn shrieking

Brynn started this thing where she shrieks when you say hi. A few days ago I would of found this possibly annoying. Now I found it delightful. Anytime she looks and me and interacts is cool. No matter what the time of day or night. It's funny how her having a problem makes you appreciate the little things. Crying at 3AM seems trivial now....I just want the bambino to be okay. We love you Brynn. Cry any time of day or night...we just want you to be okay! The thought of you having problems makes me want to cry...so talk away and demand the attention of us anytime. We're here for you baby. We love you!

Echo for next Wednesday

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers over the last few days. I have her next appointment on Monday with the pediatrician and Wednesday have a followup echocardiogram to see how the flow in Brynn's heart is. I canceled our homestudy appointment for today because of course I can't think of anything but Brynn at the moment, and of course won't move forward with anything until we know Brynn is A-OK. She is my main focus for right now and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for my little girl! She seems to be doing okay and wanting to eat and feed like a champ - so for that I'm grateful. I'm just ignoring the fact that her hands and feet turn blue while she does so and marching forward one day at a time. They are only basing the fact of a a likely VSD due to the murmer that has been heard at previous visits as well as the location. Also slow weight gain is common which Brynn has certainly had despite the massive amount of food the chow hound eats! So for now that's all, one step and one day at a time, right? Great news is that the kiddo fits well into her 3 month sleepers at last and is rolling over finally a ton. She also is loving her homemade bananas and applesauce.Hubby weighed her and she was well over 12 pounds...I know it's not a ton for a 6 month old...but it sure is progress for Brynn. It's the little things that count of course! For those I am so thankful.

VSD? What the heck?

So lately I've noticed Brynn has had some blueness in her hands and feet while eating...the possible verdict is a VSD according to the docs. A lovely hole in her heart. Lovely. Well, more to come as we get things tested out. I'm trying not to get too into things while also not trying to vomit in my mouth, you know?

Homestudy schedule

Brynn can obviously sense our excitement over the next few weeks. She took a moment to pose for a review of baby shoes. What can I say, she loves shoes just like her mom! We're currently trying to get ready for our trip to Chicago. Like I was saying, we rented an apartment downtown adjacent to the Mag Mile. We're taking one of my best friend's younger sisters as our nanny for the week. So the hubby and I are looking forward to a few fun nights out just the two of us which should be fun. We'll also have a kitchen and washer and dryer so that should definitely be kid friendly. I just need to somehow find swimsuit that is flattering since there is a pool on the 8th floor and a hot tub, LOL!

Next week Thursday we have our first homestudy. It seems so bizarre to need one to adopt our own embryos conceived via IVF, But whatever. As I said...unicorns..lechruchans...whatever. After that homestudy, both my husband and I each have a private meeting with the homestudy lady. Then after about 8-16 weeks we'll have an actual homestudy that takes place in our home. I'm just not sure what to tell this homestudy lady. Like do I seem silly and say we're looking at domestic adoption? Or do I say we're not sure if we're interested in international versus domestic adoption placement? Gee this is so silly to deal with our own embryos, LOL! But whatever. I just know that there are three sweet little embryos of ours waiting away in some lab just wanting to come home to us. Will they have my smile? My husbands's goofy grin? Brynn's bright blue eyes? Who knows...all I know is that I want more than anything in the whole wide word for our next child to make their way home. No matter how many hoops we have to jump through.

Adventures in cereal and a homestudy thrown in

Brynn is like, "Mom, I love this new cereal...but does it come in other flavors?"
"Ah yes...this is the stuff champions are made of!"Neela says..."Woof...I love me some baby toes!"

I have been the world's worst blogger and commenter as of the last week. I don't want to make excuses...but life has been so busy and crazy. I'm hoping tonight allows me to catch up with everyone. I've been working a bit extra lately and have become part of our open heart call team at work. Basically it involves some extra call and reorienting towards the heart transplants and doing valve replacements and bypass procedures. To be part of it you have to be an anesthetist that can do the anesthesia for open heart procedures, place arterial lines, deal with transesophegeal echos and other things. So it's been overwhelming at times...but I'm loving it!

On top of that we celebrated my father in law's 60th birthday this weekend out of state in Ohio on Saturday and spent Sunday looking at houses to move. We just basically need a bit more space, the older Brynn gets....the more I realize this. Yesterday I worked and was in the open heart room again. We did a mitral valve replacement on a very young woman who was only 32 years old but had rheumatic fever as a child. When I got home I scheduled our first home study appointment with the lady given to us by our lawyer. A week from Thursday...just 10 short days away is our first homestudy. YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is all moving so fast. But I'm so freakin excited! In just a week's time I need to come up with a copy of our birth certificates, wedding certificate, W2s from last year and a police clearance from our city on both my husband any myself. I had to chuckle on that last one because it seems a bit silly. Both my husband and I are very boring individuals. But if they need a police clearance so we can adopt our own embryos in the grand state of Michigan so be it!

Once again - I so apologize for my lack of commenting, I'm still reading and am delighted to hear what's new with everyone. It just seems like I wake up and go to bed without getting half of what I want to get done accomplished these last few days.

We also recently got an offer to tell of our story from a local publisher. I'm not sure what I want to do with that as of yet. Our life seems so private, yet I realize I've written in my blog about such a matter that is private for the whole blogosphere to hear.Seems a bit contradictory if you know what I mean! To tell of our story I would have to include the infertility blogosphere and all who have been with us along the road. Without you, things would had been very different!

What I have gotten away from that I didn't mean to do was to continue to thank one blogger at a time. Next on my list is Jen from Here we go Again.She was one of my first commenters and has not missed many a post. Her little one Elizabeth is one of the cutest babies known to man. But more important than that, she actually has sent me numerous mailings of things to keep me occupied while I was on bedrest and pregnant. She in fact sent me things that my husband used to bring me while I was in the hospital. She would send me some of my favorite magazines complete with comments on certain pages that she had actually read through. Also her puppies are the absolute cutest. They give Neela a serious run for her money on the cuteness factor. And just when I was having a bad day and so sad in the hospital, I would get a package from Jen. She is the ultimate in blogger mail. Seriously...there is no better! So Jen, thank you. You Farah and I honestly would love to all get together sometime because I think we would have a blast. Jen..thank you for making my life just a little bit better! Brynn thanks you for your thoughtfulness. You are the best!

Just a quickie

Even though this is a quick post...Neela our puppy says "Please, make it a relaxing weekend mom....I'm tired! What's the hurry?"

I'll update more soon. But we met with our lawyer this week and it seems that the next step is scheduling a home study appointment for our "adoption." It's something I'm going to do over the next few days, ASAP. Gee this is getting so much more complicated than I thought. But in the end it is so so worth it. Sorry for the absence in blogging and commenting. Just been working a bit of extra days to help cover the costs of this whole new journey of unsurrogacy and rather direct placement adoption, LOL! I'm sure to return soon in the next couple of days. Hope you're all having a great weekend!

On a very cool note, Brynn started eating some rice cereal recently and is also up to 24 ounces of breastmilk a day also as a bare minimum. Often times she eats more and is growing by the day. The other day my husband weighed her on our very unreliable home scale and she measured over 12 pounds.....what a beefcake from our 4 pound girl she was born at! Not only that, but she still is a breast feeding champ even if we only do it once a day or once every other day. I know how lucky we are if the rest of the time I pump but she'll still feed!

Nothing has changed

Sorry for the confusion. Due to some goofy Michigan details I must involve leprechauns, unicorns and all other crazy happenings. But nothing has changed. Hope that clarifies things for those of you left shaking your heads! Same old same old if that helps explain things. Once again - sorry for the confusion. If laws made things simple and straightforward for infertile couples then none of this would be necessary! Still have the meeting tonight with the lawyer at 5:00. Still moving forward. And thanks for following along none the less...you are all amazing! If you still need more detail - just look at last Friday's post.

The word that we do not speak of.

Yes...just for the fact going forward. We have decided not to do a surrogacy cycle with our friends. Yet we have decided to do an arrangement that involves unicorns, rainbows, and leprechauns. Of course I mean no disrespect for those of you who have been involved in surrogacy cycles. That is just not an option for us. So instead I just wanted to say that we were involved in a journey of a different kind. Those that involved a horned horse and a man who loves 4 leaf clovers, LOL! I just wanted to make that clear for those who could influence us. Thank you.

Good weekend in the OR.

(Brynn after bath time with Dad this weekend.)

Thank you so much for your kind words on my previous post. I think I must be a bit hormonal and emotional with all of this surrogacy....oppsss I mean direct placement adoption stuff. Thanks for making me not feel like a putz for BFing Brynn while typing, talking on the phone or catching up on email. I'm sure she isn't being harmed by some extra mom - lovin time, LOL! And thank you so much for being so supportive of our journey so far. Things are still set up for our meeting with the lawyer for this Wednesday at 5:00 to figure out the legal logistics of things when it comes to the actual adoption or anything that we should draw up ahead of time. Her office is only about 10 minutes from our house so that'll be nice. My friend's sister is going to watch Brynn while we go the appointment so we don't have to worry about a hungry baby at 5:00 feeding time during the appointment. I'm trying to come up with a list of questions to ask - but honestly I don't even know where to start.

This weekend was a good one, I worked both days but honestly it was a good weekend despite being in the OR. Saturday I worked the day shift and spent the day doing hodge podge cases of an appendectomy, taking out a girl's gall bladder, fixing the hand of someone who had amputated a finger with a power tool, and doing a bowel resection for a young man with Chrohn's disease. Saturday night was beautiful weather, 70 degrees so we took Brynn out to our favorite casual restarurant that often has the winds open and it's almost like eating outside. On Sunday I worked during the day and had the first round of neuro cases since I'd been back to work. Now normally I'm not fond of neuro cases, not sure why but I prefer cardiac ones over neuro anyday. But these actually went okay and we did a craniotomy for a woman with a subarchnoid bleed from a car accident. It went well and we were able to extubate her at the end of the case and she was talking much better than she was when we saw her in pre-op holding. Next we did Burr holes for a woman with a history of elevated ICP (intercranial pressure). Basically they make a small opening in the skull to drain the elevated pressure and fluid into a small little collection bag after the surgery. The patient will then have less neuro deficits hopefully. Once again - the patient did great and woke up well postoperatively. It was pretty rewarding to see the work of the surgeon do well and to see them have good anesthetic and operative outcomes. I then was on call until this morning - but luckily didn't get called back. Thank heavens for small favors! I kept waking up last night to look at the clock thinking...please don't let me get called in, but it didn't happen. We had my friend's sister spend the night on the off chance that I did have to leave and get called in, but thank heavens Brynn slept well and so did all of us!

Today it's raining cats and dogs so I'm trying to catch up on some laundry and cleaning while Brynn is sleeping. That being said, Brynn seems to not want to nap today and keeps waking up a half hour after I put her down. My husband watched her the whole weekend while I was at work and usually she's tired after a day with dad. He has her play so hard in the exersaucer and do a lot of tummy time she's usually wiped out. I call it "daddy boot camp" while he watches her, LOL! I have to tell him to take it easy! She also seems to be going through a growth spurt wanting to eat an extra 4oz bottle a day so you'd think she'd be tired...but nope. Not our Brynn. She seems to be an insomniac when it comes to daytime naps. Night times going great - day time naps not so much over the last couple of weeks.

Well tonight I'm looking forward to catching up on Brothers and Sisters and Desperate Housewives on DVR. I'm not sure if Big Bang Theory and How I met Your Mother are new tonight or not. I also watched the latest show of "I didn't know I was Pregnant" and had to shake my head. How in the world can you deliver and not know you were pregnant the whole time. I mean...come on people - for real? I try to be understanding, but that's just bizarre!

Well, hope everyone is having a great week and I'm still trying to catch up with everyone. If only Brynn could nap and if only I could come up with a list of questions for our lawyer, LOL!

Surrogacy, the word which we will not speakith.

So I'm beginning to realize the rules of surrogacy in an unfriendly surrogacy state such as Michigan. Basically, surrogacy is the word that we will not speak of. Surrogacy is something that does not exist in Michigan. Yesterday and the day before I spent 5 + hours talking with a lawyer in our area. I also spoke with our RE whom preformed Brynn's IVF and months of infertility treatment with us. I am going forward with my guard up, hopeful...but guarded all at the same time. Things are possible, but definitely not going to be simple or straightforward. Yes, we know that my husband and I can create a viable embryo, we have a wonderful person to transfer the embryo to and to carry it for 9 months...but the conditions surrounding the process are anything but straightforward. Basically what I can say is that we have a lawyer who has dealt with similar situations in our state. We have a wonderful doctor who is willing to deal with sketchy laws and ambigoius language. We also have an amazing friend who is willing to carry our child for nine months. Things are falling into place. It will not be easy, straightforward, or cheap....but it is something I am willing to do.


Last night I was wondering if this was something that was worth doing or pursuing. My husband brought up a great point. He said, at the end of your life...what are you going to look back on that was important to you. He said, when you look back, are you going to be happy that you went on a vacation, bought a pair of shoes...took the easy route out. Or else are you going to be happy that you had two children. That you had a sibling for Brynn. The answer was so clear. I NEED to have a sibling for Brynn. She deserves it. It is at my fingertips. Don't ask me why - the here and why is not clear now. But I know in the long run Brynn needs a sibling. I've never felt something more strongly in my gut. I am an only child (two adopted siblings) my husband is an only child, my mom an only child and so forth. In my heart for some reason I feel Brynn needs a sibling. Therefore we must fight. It will not be easy, but we need to give her that. We owe her one. Since I am unable to have one for her, this is something we must fight to the end for to give her. Yes of course I selfishly would love another child myself, but more importantly...we need to have one for Brynn. And because of that we're going down the unconventional, unfriendly surrogacy path on our state. But we'll make it work. I know it is the word that we do not speak of....but we must somehow make this work.

Next on the agenda is a meeting with our lawyer who was recommended to us by our RE. We have a meeting next Wednesday at 5:00. She told us that she is not willing to mention the word surrogacy. We must refer to things going forward as "direct placement adoption." Sure...whatever. You can call it rainbows with unicorns for whatever I care. The other option is going out of state. It is not something I am willing to do at this time. My friend has a family and that is just not an option at this time. So sure...."direct placement adoption." Unicorns with horns and rainbows and leaps and bounds...whatever. I just want a second child. I know I can't have one myself and I know we have a blessed and beautiful friend who is willing to carry our little one for us. So whatever. Unicorns..."direct placement adoption....whatever."

Please as you have all been so great in doing...but keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Sometimes I wish things were easier. I wish that we could be a typical couple who falls in love and decides to have a family...but some malignant melanoma, some infertility, and some goofy diagnosis in the meantime...it's not that straightforward. All I know is that we want what everyone else has...a family. The 2.2 kids, dog and the white picket fence. And gosh darn it....I'm not willing to stop until we have that. Despite my dysfunctional body, our family deserves it. And if you're the praying type. Say a special thanks to our amazing friend who is willing to make this come true. Because for that she's the best. After all, how many of you have someone who is willing to give that much of themselves to make that happen for you. Yes....she's amazing. And we are so blessed.

Yes at the end of the day, nothing of this may work. But in the meantime I will fight. I will fight for our family and all that is possible. I want to hold on to hope that we might hold onto just a small portion of what others might take for granted. This morning, Brynn started crying at 5AM. Park of me was tired, part of me wanted to keep on sleeping. But the more important part of me had me rushing in to comfort her and give her a hug. She is such a blessing, and if we are so blessed to have another I will never forget it or take it for granted. I know people complain about having to get up early with their kids, but for that I consider myself lucky. I would love to get up with a second child. And as I said...we are beyond blessed to have a wonderful friend willing to give us that chance. Not only keep us, but her and her family in your prayers. She is an angel...and deserves nothing but the best. I'm a basic kind of girl, but yet have somehow been fortunate enough to be blessed with the striking of lightening for the best. I just wish others were so fortunate. Why we have been so lucky is beyond me, but say a little thank you for us, because we've been so fortunate. If only everyone was so blessed.

Somedays I feel like the hope of our family is so far away...but I'm still holding on.