Now He Only Eats Guitars

So it turns out that rob got raptured after all and was replaced by a robot assassin. WARNING: If you see "rob" you should know that it is really a robot assassin and you should do what it says or it will robot assassin your ass. Also this is rob's last post and it is not the robot assassin saying this, it is your friend rob. He also says that robot assassins drink beer and eat cake so you should have plenty on hand.

Rob

Why I Feel Like Jesus.

Not the beard, not the sandals, not the long hair I used to have, not even the talking crap to Satan. Didn't walk on water, didn't turn water into wine and walk on that, didn't cure the blind or raise anyone from the dead.

But I did start the night with 36 beers in a snowbank, give everyone plenty of drinks, and pull a full sixty beers etc. out of the snow when the party was over. That's serious loaves and fishes action.

Hey Peter. I can see your house from here.

Rob

Forgery

When we were in Trenton yesterday, there was a preacher from Philadelphia who was brandishing a handwritten sign that said "No Gay Marriage. -- God"

I'm no handwriting analyst, but I'm willing to bet that it was written in the preacher's own handwriting, not God's. If it were so important to God to stop equal marriage, he'd pick up a friggin' sharpie Himself, y'think?

Nice forgery, dude. Next time, sign it "Epstein's Mother."


Rob

I'm Too Late To Wish You a Happy Halloween

But I'm gonna do it anyway.


And how did the Devil land a lady like Lois? Maybe he tempted her with nougat!

Rob

A Moment of No Zooming

So my newest nephew, Hardball, just got baptized yesterday. Right before the ceremony, my brother handed my his digital video camera and asked me to film. The priest came out, noticed I was filming and my other brothers had cameras, and said it was okay to us to move around if we needed a better shot of anything. But I have to admit, I felt kind of rude, filming during the event, when as a good uncle, I should have just been Paying Attention. I mean, I was doing both, but it felt kind of odd to have a job to do.

Especially when we got to the Our Father portion of the ceremony. We start praying and reciting the words (me very softly so as not to overpower the mic), and I start zooming in toward the Guest of Honor. And then, suddenly, I had to stop. What am I doing, I'm zooming during the Lord's Prayer.

It seemed like a no-zoom moment.

(It would probably be totally fine to cut to a montage of mobsters getting whacked, though.)

Rob

Chum, Frankincense and Myrrh

Welcome, Shark Jesus.

Rob
(Dreaming of a wet Christmas)

Hey, Mom.

Welcome back from vacation. Thanks for renting that big beach house; I only wish Kathy & I had been able to stay longer than two short days.

But mostly, I wanted to point out to you my friend Mike's blog. He's a pastor of a Baptist church in Virginia, and I think you'll really like what he writes. I've been meaning to give you the link for a while now, and figured what the heck, today's the day.

Rob

The Crucial "Laughing at the Pieces" Endorsement

The other night I watched the entirety of Barack Obama's "A More Perfect Union" speech. It's 38 minutes long, but I recommend making the time for it.



After watching this, I don't think there's anything in the world that would stop me from voting for a man of such intelligence, honesty and compassion. If we make him our president, I believe that not only will we become a better nation as a whole, but we just might become a better nation as individuals as well. I know that sounds pie-in-the-sky, but it's what I truly feel.

If you don't have the time for the whole speech, here's a highlight reel put together by TPM (10 mins.).



Rob

What an asshole.

"Freedom requires religion just as religion requires freedom....Freedom and religion endure together, or perish alone." - Mitt Romney

Seriously, Mr. Romney:


Sincerely,

Rob

Dropkick Me, Jesus

We got to see a complete episode of The Amazing Race last night, and I enjoyed it as much as ever. And one team—the married Episcopal ministers—said something I really appreciated: “We’re very religious, of course, but we have no illusions that God cares whether or not we win this.”

Man, that’s a breath of fresh air.

One of the many reasons I don’t watch sports is that I can’t stand—literally have no stomach at all for—anyone who praises Jesus for getting a ball into a net or over a wall or past a chalk line. Because for every guy Jesus “helped” win, there’s a dozen others he did jack-all for. No one ever blames Jesus for letting him get sacked again and again. He’s either on the team or he’s not—and if he is, then the team you’re playing against are obviously infidels. If not by definition, by deduction.

Football becomes a holy war. The winners are right and just and in God’s favor, and the losers are banished from Eden. If Jesus loved them—really loved them—wouldn’t they have made that field goal?

Nah. Keep God out of games. If we can do that, maybe we’ll eventually be mature enough to keep him out of wars, too.

Rob

Weird “Science” Defeated

In what was probably the most closely watched school board race in the country, all eight members of the Dover, Pa., school board that introduced creationism (so-called “intelligent design”) into the biology curriculum have been shown the door by voters.

Word is that the defeated school board members plan to spend more time with their families, including a possible group vacation to see the edge of the earth.

Rob

Pope.com

I meant to post this the other day, since I read about it on Mark Evanier's wonderful site, but time slipped away. Rogers Cadenhead, a writer who's penned enough how-to computer guides to crush a desk (although not this sturdy one we have now, but certainly the old, flimsy one that fell apart during a move... actually, that not be a very emphatic comparison to his prolificness, so let's just say he's written about 20), bought the domain name BenedictXVI.com. Basically, he did it to keep any unsavory internet types from grabbing it -- gamblers, pornographers, Dr. Clement Okon of Nigeria who will pay you handsomly for your help in accessing his trapped millions -- you know the type.

Rogers is writing about what happens with the domain, and I'm really curious to see what'll happen next. He seems like a nice, genuine guy. Check out this post first, and then here's a link to his blog in general where you can get the latest.

Rob

“’Til Wednesday” is the new “Perpetual”

Does this strike anyone else as odd?

Although the cardinals swore an oath of perpetual secrecy about what occurred in the conclave, many began to talk about it on Wednesday.

Even after vowing “perpetual secrecy” about the papal conclave, some cardinals were gabbing about it to the Washington Post. Maybe perpetual secrecy has different connotations in Latin.

Rob