Watch Your Language, Please!

I've got to get something off my chest, Dear Reader.  I am supremely weary of hearing people drop the F-bomb.  It seems that almost every place I go these days I hear someone using it over and over in casual conversations, in restaurants, at work, in stores, everywhere.

It's almost as prevalent as the mind-numbing use of "like," "uh," and "um" as conversation filler.  But it is far worse.  While those three words may be grating to listen to when repeated endlessly in conversation, they are but tedious only.  Flagrant use of the F-word, on the other hand, is rightly frowned upon by people of refinement and banned from broadcast airwaves (at least for now) for a reason: it is intensely and vividly vulgar.  I believe its use should be reserved for situations and circumstances that are either private or where the speaker has been provoked to the point of explosion. And it most certainly shouldn't be used within earshot of children.

Don't get me wrong, Dear Reader, Reggie is not a prude.  He has been known to use the F-word himself, along with other pithy Anglo Saxon expletives.  He acknowledges that doing so can at times be very satisfying, indeed.  However, he believes the use of the F-bomb in general conversation today has become so prevalent and gratuitous as to have lost its potency, at least in the minds of those he overhears using it repeatedly and unblinkingly in public.

If they stopped to actually listen to themselves, as Reggie is often forced to against his wishes, he believes they might be surprised to hear how crude and unattractive they sound.  And how unimaginative—can't they think of any other words to use?

Maybe not.  At least that's what he concludes when he casts a gimlet eye on many of those he overhears using it in public.

But that's not always the case, Dear Reader.  Reggie is often surprised when he turns to examine who is speaking so fouly to find that it is a person who should know better.  They have fallen into the habit of using the F-word unthinkingly, with no comprehension that it does not reflect well upon themselves (to say the least), nor do they have any consideration that others might find it unpleasant—if not offensive—to listen to.

When I am out in public, Dear Reader, I do not like hearing other people repeatedly use the F-bomb or other rude expletives, particularly strangers at other tables in restaurants, in lines at stores, in places of entertainment, or while walking about the streets of the city in which I live.  I find it ugly and intrusive.

So I make every effort not to drop the F-bomb or use other obscenities in public.  Sometimes I slip up, though, because I am far from perfect.  But I try to be sensitive to the fact that there are people within listening distance who may find such language offensive, and so I refrain from using it in public whenever possible.

I think the world would be a better place if more of us did the same, too.

Tell me, Dear Reader, what do you think?

Count Your Blessings

One of the lessons that Reggie has learned while bumbling about on this planet is that it is useful to pause every once in a while and take stock of one's life.  He believes spending a portion of such time doing so focusing on the positive aspects of one's existence is time well spent.

It certainly helps him put it all in perspective when he does so . . .

Too often Reggie comes across people, some of whom he knows and some of whom he overhears in public, who spend an inordinate amount of their time complaining.  And these are people who appear to be financially stable, in reasonable health, and speaking with what appear to be friends or loved ones.  It's all too much for them, or its just not good enough for them—it's such a trial, or such a disappointment.

Poor things.

Reggie believes they'd be much happier and more content if they stopped moaning and think for a moment about what the alternatives might be.  The less-appealing ones, that is . . .

• So the waiter forgot that you ordered your spinach steamed and not sautéed.  Send the offending vegetable back to the kitchen to be replaced, but don't make a federal case out of it, please.  Be grateful that you are being waited on and can afford to eat a meal in a restaurant.  

• So your maid didn't show up today, and you have been inconvenienced by it.  Did you ever stop to think that she may have problems of her own that just might need tending to unexpectedly every now and then?  Be grateful you're not the one cleaning your own house, and that you have someone to help you.

• So you had to fly in coach on the overnight flight to London instead of in business or first class.  Don't spend the flight endlessly pushing the call button and demanding special service from the flight attendant, acting like you're too good for coach (even though that's all you've paid for).  Be grateful that you are able to visit one of the most magnificent cities on the planet.

Reggie understands that there are circumstances when it is appropriate to be disappointed in something or by someone—life doesn't always work out the way one hopes or expects it to.  And yes, he appreciates that there are many people who truly struggle to make it through the day in one piece, keeping it all together.  He isn't writing about such situations or such people, Dear Reader.  No, he is writing this post about those of us (and note he say "us" and not "you") who sometimes find ourselves complaining or being frustrated by something or someone when it isn't really merited, and where it doesn't reflect all that well on those of us who are doing the complaining.

I acknowledge there are times when rendering a complaint is justified, and I've certainly relished the pleasure of joining in a good "bitch-fest" like the best of them.  However, I make a concerted effort not to be a gratuitous complainer, which—I admit—sometimes takes more willpower than I wish were the case.  That doesn't mean Reggie is a saccharine Pollyanna who has nothing but nice things to say (for those of you who know me, you'll agree that I'm not afraid to state my contrarian views on controversial subjects).  I do strive, however, to choose what I complain about carefully, and to do so sparingly.

Now, some of you may be wondering, "Reggie, are you saying that because there are people in the world who are worse off than I am that my disappointments aren't legitimate?" No, Dear Reader, Reggie is not saying that at all.  He believes that no one's feelings are either more or less legitimate than anothers' of differing circumstances.  Reggie is saying, though, that one should stop and think before opening one's mouth to complain and ponder whether such a complaint is either merited or whether the manner in which it is delivered reflects well upon one's self.  He believes that most often it isn't, and most often it doesn't.

On the other hand, Dear Reader, all of us respond well to appreciation and gratitude.  I know I do.  I think we'd all be better off—and a lot happier—if we made a concerted effort to spend less time complaining and more time being grateful, and counting our blessings instead of our disappointments.

And that, Dear Reader, is a Reggie Rule.

If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings
                                          -- Irving Berlin

Image courtesy of eBay 

Reggie's Rules for the Considerate Management of One's Presence When Riding In Elevators

Dear Reader, I realize that it has been rather a long time since I last posted a Reggie's Rules piece.  It's not that I haven't been planning or formulating any such posts, mind you, but rather other subjects have taken the forefront of one's consciousness of late.

"I hear my cellphone ringing!  Should I
answer it, or wait until I've gotten off the elevator?"
Image courtesy of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

However, something so egregious happened the other evening while your sainted author was riding an elevator that it has caused him to reconsider his temerity on such matters, and thus resume this series, post-haste.  I cannot remain a stoic silence any longer!  Rules are rules, Dear Reader, and must not only be understood, but also obeyed!

What? you might ask—is there anyone left on the planet who does not understand the rudiments of riding elevators?  How hard can it be?  Surely this cannot be the case, Reggie, as Mr. Otis perfected said vehicle of efficient vertical travel more than 150 years ago!

"No more passengers!  Step to the rear please!"
Source: LIFE Images

Well, one would have hoped the Young Miss who I had the misfortune of sharing an elevator with several evenings ago in the building where I live would have known better than to loudly carry on a tiresome personal conversation on her cellphone for all (notably Reggie) to unwillingly (and begrudgingly) overhear.  Not only was she complainingly blabbing into her cellphone while a group of us assembled to wait for an elevator in the building's lobby, but our Young Miss carried on her tedious conversation while entering the elevator and throughout the journey (but at a higher decibel rate so the person on the other end of the line could hear her better), and continued her honking without pausing for so much as a breath of air upon exiting the elevator and walking down the hall to her apartment.  Those of us who remained on the elevator after her (blessed) departure looked at each other with a mixture of relief and irritation once the doors closed, and agreed that our Young Miss was a thoughtless cretin, indeed.  My only consolation for her rude behavior, Dear Reader, is that it was the inspiration for this edition of Reggie's Rules, for which I owe said annoying cellphone blatherer a debt of gratitude (and a sharp rebuke, I might add, should I ever be subjected to her rude behavior again).

And with that I now share Reggie's Rules for the Considerate Management of One's Presence When Riding in Elevators:

1. When waiting for an elevator, stand to the side so those exiting it may do so unimpeded

It is inconsiderate to block their path by standing in front of the doors, which requires those exiting to "excuse me" their way around you.

Courteous elevator lobby behavior is to be encouraged and emulated
source: LIFE Images

2. When waiting for an elevator, allow those wishing to exit the elevator to do so first before barging in

It is basic good manners to allow them to do so, and eases the flow of traffic.

3. When entering a crowded elevator, say "excuse me" when seeking to find a space

Do not shove your way in, it is not a subway car at rush hour.

"Sorry, Pal, no more room here.  Would ya
 mind waitin' fer the next one, please!"
Image courtesy of United Artists

4. When seeking to enter a crowded elevator, use common sense and judgement in determining whether there is sufficient space to enter it.  Wait for the next one if there isn't

Again, elevators are not subway cars.  Another will come along soon enough.

5. While it is considered polite under certain circumstances to allow ladies to first enter and exit elevators, it is technically not a requirement to do so  

Elevators are akin to stairs and escalators in this consideration—efficiency of movement trumps precedence of the sexes, particularly during busy times of day such as morning and evening rushes, or during lunchtime.  When a crowd of men and women are waiting for an elevator, it is in the best interest of all concerned to resort to a first-come-first-served precedence in order to aide the efficient movement of people on and off the elevator.  On the other hand, if a single man or pair of men and a solitary woman are waiting for an elevator, it is common courtesy for the man/men to allow the lady to enter and exit the elevator first.  Use judgement in such matters.

6. When entering or exiting an elevator in an apartment building, one should always politely acknowledge the other people on the elevator with a simple "good morning" or "good evening"

Particularly if they live in the same building as you do.  Have some manners, please!

"Which way is up, baby?"
Image courtesy of United Artists

7. When entering or exiting an elevator in an office building or store, it is not necessary to verbally acknowledge the other people on the elevator, unless one already knows them or the elevator is being run by an elevator operator (a great rarity these days, but it still happens in such places as the flagship store of Tiffany & Company in New York)

When riding elevators in such buildings one should only feel compelled to acknowledge fellow riders one already happens to know (such as a fellow employee or acquaintance), or the elevator operator, since one is expected to inform said operator of the desired floor.  While it is not improper to acknowledge other riders in a public elevator, Dear Reader (particularly if one has made eye contact upon entering said elevator), it is not a requirement to do so.  Again, use judgement in such matters.

8. Prior to entering an elevator, should you be speaking to someone on a cellphone, end the call with a simple "I'll call you back later, I'm getting on an elevator"

Do not keep up your cellphone conversation while riding an elevator.  It is rude and thoughtless to those who are trapped listening to you (and this applies to you, too, Young Miss!).

"Help! Get me out of here!  She won't stop talking on her cellphone!"
Image courtesy of Universal Pictures

9. Should your cellphone ring when you are preparing to enter an elevator or are riding upon one, either do not answer it, or tell the caller that you will ring them back afterwards

For the same reason as noted in 8, above.

10. When riding a crowded elevator with a loved one, spouse, or friend, do not carry on a personal conversation, but rather wait to resume it once you've exited the elevator

Similar to cell phone conversations, the other passengers on the elevator are not deaf.  You are not riding in a cone of silence!

11. When riding an elevator while listening to music on headphones or ear plugs, do not have the volume turned up to such a high level that others riding in the elevator are forced to listen to the music as well

For the same reasons as in rules 8, 9, and 10.

This woman knows that it is best to wait to speak on
one's telephone until after one has completed one's elevator journey
Image courtesy of Paramount Pictures

12. When riding an elevator with a pet dog (or child for that matter) do not allow it to lunge at the other riders in the car

It can alarm them.  Restrain your dog (or child) for the duration of the ride, please.

And last (but certainly not least):

13. When riding an elevator, one should do one's utmost not to perfume the air with one's flatulent gases, a practice vulgarly (but aptly) known as "crop dusting"

While it may be a relief (and even a source of amusement) for the perpetrator, it is inconsiderate to those who have the misfortune to involuntarily share in such aroma.

And there you have it, Dear Reader, Reggie's Rules for the Considerate Management of One's Presence When Riding in Elevators.

Tell me, do you have any good elevator stories?

It Is Lauren, Not Loren!

If there is one thing that drives Reggie absolutely nuts, it is when he hears someone mispronounce Ralph Lauren's last name as "law-RENN," with emphasis on the second syllable.   I don't know where people got the cockamamie idea that it is pronounced that way, but hearing people say it like that produces a reaction in me like the sound of fingernails screeching across a blackboard.  For those of you who pronounce Ralph Lauren's last name as "law-RENN," would you please stop it, once and for all?

Miss Lauren Bacall
(Her first name is correctly pronounced "LOREN")

Because you are mangling its pronunciation.  The "Lauren" of Ralph Lauren is pronounced the same way as the first name of the American actress Lauren Bacall, which is pronounced "LOREN," with equal emphasis on each syllable.  It is not pronounced the same way as the last name of the Italian actress Sophia Loren, which is correctly pronounced with emphasis on the second syllable.

Miss Sophia Loren
(Her last name is correctly pronounced "Loh-RENN")

I suppose that people think pronouncing Lauren as "law-RENN" somehow makes it sound more posh, or "classy," or (Heaven forbid) French-ified.*  But it is none of these, Dear Reader.  I am here to tell you that pronouncing it that way sounds ridiculous, ill-informed, and affected.  Because it is!

No one who works at Ralph Lauren pronounces "Lauren" as "law-RENN."  And I have that on good authority, Dear Reader, since I have done a substantial amount of professional advisory work for the company over the years, and believe me, not one person in senior management there or in the stores pronounces it any way other than how it should be pronounced, which is "LOREN."

Now, Reggie is well aware that the "Lauren" in both the names of Miss Lauren Bacall and Mr. Ralph Lauren doesn't appear on their birth certificates, and was adopted by them at later dates.  He doesn't give a fig about that, nor does he believe anyone else should, either.  What he does believe, and he believes vehemently, Dear Reader, is that "Lauren" should be pronounced correctly, which is "LOREN," and is not—and never has been and never shall be—"law-RENN."

So, if you—or anyone you know—has heretofore misguidedly pronounced the name Lauren emphasizing the second syllable, I insist that you (and they) stop doing so immediately!

And that is a Reggie Rule.

* Which is even more perplexing to this writer, given that the company's design vision is so firmly rooted in quintessentially Anglo-American sources 

Photograph of Miss Lauren Bacall courtesy of mptvimages.com; photograph of Miss Sophia Loren courtesy of the Mathau Company; Ralph Lauren corporate logo courtesy of same

The Odious Trend of Shoeless Parties

Dear Reader, there is something that I must get off my chest.  I absolutely loathe arriving at someone's house for a party and unexpectedly finding that I am asked to remove my shoes for the duration of my visit.  It is not a pleasant surprise, and the requirement to do so is a decided disincentive for me to ever wish to return.


Shoeless Windsors putting on a good face of it . . .

The few times I have attended a party where I've been asked to remove my shoes at the door have been rather unpleasant, and my primary memory of attending such party is the discomfort (and consequent annoyance) I felt walking around shoeless, rather than what should have been happy memories of enjoyment.  In my experience, hosts who make such a request of their guests do so because they are concerned that their guests' shoes will soil or damage their precious floors or carpets.  Such self-absorbed myopia is misguided, in my view.  As a host, I believe one's primary concern should be the comfort and well-being of one's guests, and not the impact their shoes might have on one's floors or carpets.

Because floors and carpets are meant to be walked on.  By people wearing shoes.

We have nicely finished floors at Darlington House which are, at least in some rooms, covered with expensive carpets.  It would never occur to me to ask our guests to remove their shoes and walk around in their stocking feet, or worse—barefoot!

Reggie once attended a party where the host and hostess announced upon his arrival, much to his dismay, that all attendees were expected to remove their shoes.  They explained that they wanted to preserve the Zen-like purity of their wonderful house.  I had the misfortune of arriving wearing loafers without socks (the party was held during the height of summer).  Not only was I put out to find myself required to walk around their house barefoot, but their (rugless) floors were less than Zen-like in their cleanliness (well, actually they were rather dirty), so the soles of my feet became filthy over the course of the evening.  While it was unpleasant to walk around their house barefoot (and just imagine what it was like to use their less-than-hygenic guest bathroom), having to insert my soiled feet into my shoes at the end of the evening made it yet an even worse experience.  I still shudder when I recall it.

Most people who attend parties (well, at least most people that Reggie knows) take care in planning what they wear, dressing for the event.  For many people—women in particular—shoes are an important component of their outfit, and many women (I suspect) like to wear heels at parties so they are up higher, on a more level playing field with the men.  To expect a festively-attired lady to remove her pretty party shoes in order to gain entry to said party is thoughtless and rude, and highly off-putting.  The same goes for men, too—I pride myself in the quality and the care of the shoes I wear, and I don't like to have to take them off when I am visiting someone's house.

"But Reggie," you may ask, "what about during bad weather, when the streets and sidewalks are wet and gritty?  I don't want people tracking it all over my house!"  Well, Dear Reader, then I suggest you concentrate your invitations on people who can be expected to wipe their feet carefully before entering (which means that you must supply them with the necessary means to do so), or who would be likely to bring a clean pair of shoes with them to change into.  Many of the ladies who attend cocktail or dinner parties at Darlington House during inclement weather arrive with a pair of party pumps to change into.  Even if one or two of your guests don't do a thorough job of wiping their feet and track in a bit of grime with them, there's nothing like a quick vacuuming after the party to address such matter.

And for those of my readers who may be concerned that a guest's stiletto heels will ruin your floors, Reggie wonders: what floors would be so soft that high heels would dent them?  Don't punish the rest of your guests by making everyone remove their shoes in the off chance that some thoughtless ninny will arrive wearing stilettos (or "Prossie Trotters" as my esteemed fellow blogger Tabitha of Bourbon and Pearls deliciously calls them).

Now, Reggie is well aware that some hosts provide their guests with slippers to wear under such circumstances.  While I acknowledge that doing so is an improvement to requiring one's guests to go shoeless, it isn't an ideal solution, in my view.  I don't know about you, but I don't care for wearing  previously worn slippers.  "What," you might ask, "does Reggie think about providing one's guests with disposable slip-on protective booties to wear?"  He thinks that by that point your mania for protecting your floors and carpets has reached such a level of lunacy that you should either contact a psychiatrist for an immediate consultation or to get your meds dosage upped!

Now, I do acknowledge that there are a number of circumstances where it is appropriate to ask someone to remove their shoes upon their arrival at your house, as follows:

1. When your floors have been recently refinished and have not yet thoroughly cured (but who throws a party under such circumstances?);
2. When said arrival is a workman wearing sturdy, lug-soled boots, and not a social guest;
3. When it is the cultural custom of the host and guest to remove their shoes, such as in Japan (but that does not apply to these shores, unless one has the good fortune of being entertained in a perfect, tatami-matted, Japanese tea house); and
4. When said guest arrives wearing Prossie Trotters that would damage the floors.  But, then, one should endeavor to make sure that such an undesirable is not a "guest" in one's house, unless the explicitly understood purpose of their visit is to have them remove everything they are wearing as quickly as possible.

All funning aside, Dear Reader, Reggie believes that one should never ask one's guests to remove their shoes as a requirement for gaining entry to one's house, particularly during parties.  One can certainly expect (and request, if needed) one's guests to wipe their feet (as all thoughtful guests should without prompting) but one ought never ask one's guests to take off their shoes and walk around one's house in their stocking feet, or—even worse—barefoot.  It's just not done.

And that is a Reggie Rule.

Tell me, Dear Reader, don't you agree?

Photograph of the Duke and Duchess of Windsor by Philippe Halsman, courtesy of LIFE Images

Reggie on New York Social Diary Today, Again

Dear Reader, I am pleased as punch to have Reggie's Ten (Little) Rules for Keeping It Together appear today on New York Social Dairy, again.

David Patrick Columbia, the mastermind behind NYSD (along with Jeff Hirsch), published these Rules earlier this year on his marvelous blog (of which I am an avid follower and sometime contributor), and he has re-run them today as one of his year-end collections from the archives of this year's NYSD.

For those of my readers who are not regular readers of NYSD, I urge you to visit it often.  While the party pictures and social histories featured are always lots of fun, DPC also shares with his followers thought-provoking and, at times, moving essays and reflections upon life, growing up, and lessons learned.  As a case in point, I provide you with a link to a recent essay he wrote, titled Christmas as a Kid, about his experience growing up in a household where all was not always jolly during the holidays, but where the Christmas spirit still shone through.  I found it moving, and I believe you will to.

Thank you, DPC!

Image courtesy of NYSD

Reggie's Rules for Dining in Better Restaurants, Part II

Oh, la!  I realize that it has been almost five months since I published my first installment of Reggie's Rules for Dining in Better Restaurants.  Today's essay is the second, and final, installment in the series.

The art of presentation is a defining feature
for many restaurants of the better sort

The focus of these rules (and the rules I share with you in general, Dear Reader) is to provide advice and guidance to people who would like to be thought of as courteous, mannerly, and discreet by those observing them—either for the first time, or repeatedly.  In other words, to stand in stark and pleasing contrast to the tedious, loud-mouthed, ill-mannered boors one encounters with increasing frequency these days, and who are a noxious intrusion on the lives of well-behaved people who have the misfortune to be within earshot of said cretins.

While I covered the majority of my rules for dining in better restaurants in the first installment of this series, here are the remainder of the rules I was not able to cover beforehand:

10.  Don't bring young children with you to dinner in a restaurant for grown-ups

While there are very few of the city's better restaurants where well-behaved children under the age of twelve are not welcomed during the day, it is not appropriate to bring them to dinner in better restaurants where the primary clientele is comprised of cocktail-imbibing grown-ups, out for the evening.  If you can't bear to leave your children at home with their nanny or babysitter, then either take them to a different restaurant that is suitable for families, or stay at home with them and eat with them there.

It is best to leave small children at home when out for dinner
at grown-up restaurants such as this

Don't get me wrong, Reggie adores children, and believes that it is more than acceptable to take them out to eat in restaurants—but only to ones where it is appropriate to do so, and only when the child is old-enough, well-trained enough, and well-behaved enough to be able to handle the experience without having a meltdown or making a scene.

11.  If you have a petulant or wailing child with you, either deal with it or leave the restaurant with it

Too many of us have withstood the misery of sitting in a restaurant where a parent (or parents) of children allow their little darlings to kick up an unsupervised ruckus.  This is not acceptable.  If your child is misbehaving in a restaurant (or any other public place for that matter), then it is your responsibility to either quiet it down or take it outside with you if you cannot.

12.  Refrain from speaking on cellphones

Don't make calls from or answer your cellphone when sitting at a table in a restaurant.  It is rude to your table-mates, and irritating to those sitting nearby who are not interested in listening to you make plans or discuss your personal life with someone on the other end of the line.  If you feel you absolutely must use your cellphone, then excuse yourself from the table and go someplace else where you will not disturb anyone.

13.  Be discreet when texting or emailing

While Reggie believes one should refrain from using PDAs to check email or for texting while sitting at a table in a restaurant, sometimes it is unavoidable.  Under such circumstances, however, he advises that you hold the device on your lap under the edge of the table and out of view, so that others around you aren't made glaringly aware of it.

In closing, I offer you a quote from the website of La Grenouille, one of New York's very best restaurants, and a place where I have been most fortunate to have dined with pleasure numerous times over the years.  In fact, I reviewed it earlier, here.

"Out of consideration for your fellow diners we ask you to refrain from using cell phones or other devices, and that children under 12 be left in the care of a loving babysitter."

I couldn't have said it any better myself.


Photographs courtesy of LIFE Images

Reggie's Three Minute Rule

One of the rules that I follow on a daily basis is what I call "Reggie's Three Minute Rule."

Every weekday morning before I leave for the office I go through our apartment straightening it up a little bit, here and there.  I walk into a room, pause, look around to see if anything is amiss, and I take care of it if time allows.  I devote no more than a few minutes to doing this task, and sometimes less.  By this point in the morning I've already made our bed and tidied up the kitchen and the bathroom, so the "big" stuff has already been taken care of.  My focus here is on doing one or two extra little bits of tidying that I can accomplish quickly before walking out the door.  It could include picking up an empty coffee mug left sitting on the chest of drawers in our bedroom, or plumping the squashed pillows on the sofa, or putting yesterday's shoes away in the closet.

The goal is to make where we live a more welcoming and serene environment for when we return to it at the end of a busy and oftentimes stressful day.  That way we can focus on unwinding and preparing for the evening, rather than taking care of the niggling little tasks left behind for us to "do later."  In my view, spending just a few extra minutes taking care of these tasks at the beginning of the day, versus later, is time well spent, and well worth the minimal effort required.

And that, Dear Reader, is why I follow this "rule."

Tell me, do you also follow such a rule?

Image courtesy of periodpaper.com

Reggie's Rules for Calling Someone on the Telephone

The other evening I attended a large cocktail party where I ran into a former colleague, JL.  I like JL and enjoy speaking with him whenever I have the pleasure of seeing him, which is at least several times a year.

A reasonable reaction upon answering the telephone
and being confronted by a rude caller

We fell into a conversation that eventually turned to the topic of the sorry state of manners in today's world, and our shared belief that telephone manners, in particular, had reached a new low.  As an example, JL recounted a telephone conversation he had at home one recent evening:

Telephone:  Ring-ring-ring

JL:  Hello?

Caller:  Is Bobby there?

JL:  May I ask who's calling, please?

Caller:  Peter

JL:  Peter who?

Caller:  Peter Porterhouse

JL:  Oh, hello Peter, this is Bobby's father.  How are you?

Caller:  Okay

JL:  I'm sorry, but Bobby isn't available right now.  May I take a message for him?

Caller:  No, I'll try him later.

JL:  Okay, thanks Peter.  Nice speaking with you.

Caller:  Yeah

JL:  Goodbye Peter

CLICK

JL was particularly irritated by this exchange because he knew Peter Porterhouse, one of his son's friends and a regular visitor at JL's house.  We both agreed that Peter was a boor, but since he was still relatively young—a teenager—we agreed that it wasn't necessarily his fault but rather that of his parents, who raised him to be an ill-mannered oaf, without (for starters) instilling in him basic good telephone manners.

I then related a telephone conversation I had one recent weekend afternoon, where the caller was even ruder:

Telephone:  Ring-ring-ring

RD:  Hello?

Caller:  Who is this?

RD:  Excuse me?

Caller:  Who is this?

RD:  What do you mean, "Who is this?" Who's calling, please?

Caller:  [pause] . . . uh . . . this is Sandra

RD:  Sandra who?  Who are you calling?

Caller:  Where's Mike?

RD:  I believe you have the wrong number.

CLICK

Even though this was obviously a wrong number, I found this call particularly annoying because the caller who initiated the call did so by asking me who I was, rather than identifying herself to me first, and then hung up on me when I informed her that she had dialed the wrong number, without any acknowledgment or apology.

Dear Reader, I share these two conversations with you as prime examples of callers who clearly did not appreciate, or had not been properly trained in, the rudimentary rules required when initiating a telephone call.

In my view, these rules are:

Rule Number 1:  When making a telephone call you must always begin the call by identifying yourself to the person who answers the phone.  Unless you recognize his/her voice and are on first-name basis with him/her and speak with him/her regularly, and are confident that he/she will immediately recognize who it is that is calling him/her, then you must identify yourself by stating your full name, including both your first and last names, such as "Hello, this is Reggie Darling.  I'm calling to speak with Emily Toplofty.  Is she there, please?"

Rule Number 2:  Never initiate a telephone conversation by asking, "Who is this?"  You may only seek to learn the identity of the person who has answered the telephone after you have identified yourself first.  The proper way to do so is to ask, "With whom am I speaking, please?"

Rule Number 3:  If you have dialed the wrong number, it is incumbent upon you to say, "Excuse me, I believe I've dialed the wrong number." You may thus politely terminate the phone call.

Rule Number 4:  When the person who has answered the telephone identifies herself to you as someone other than the person you are seeking to speak with, you must respond with a polite acknowledgement, such as "Oh, hello Mrs. Toplofty, I hope you are well."

Rule Number 5:  Always end a telephone conversation with some form of closing salutation, such as "Goodbye," or "Talk to you soon," or "Thank you."  Never simply hang up the telephone without closing out the conversation first.

In summary, I believe it is the responsibility of the person initiating a phone call to inform the person answering the telephone of their identity and the purpose for the call.  The caller should also be prepared to engage in a brief exchange of pleasantries, as a matter of courtesy, with the person on the other end of the line.  Finally, the caller should always conclude the call with some form of acknowledgement that the call has been completed by both the caller and the person with whom they have spoken.

These are the rules I follow when I call someone on the telephone, and I believe every other civilized person should too.  I'm heartened to know that I am not alone in believing this, given my former colleague JL's emphatic agreement.

Tell me, what do you think?


Photograph courtesy of LIFE Images

Reggie's Rules for Those Who (Still) Smoke

As readers of this blog may remember, Reggie is no stranger to the pleasures of smoking cigarettes.  I was for many years a sometime social smoker and only gave up the evil habit after more futile attempts to do so than I'd care to admit.  Fortunately I succeeded in my efforts to quit smoking once and for all more than five years ago, and today I am what I consider to be a former smoker.  Not a non-smoker, mind you, but an ex-smoker.  Once a confirmed smoker, I believe one can never regain one's status as a non-smoker, but will always (at least if one is successful at it) be an ex-smoker.  It's like drinking: once a drunk, always a drunk, whether wet or dry.

Reggie in his younger days, enjoying a restorative smoke

Even though I gave up smoking cigarettes regularly years ago, I'm not immune to lighting one up every once in a great while at a party (whether in my own house or someone else's) if a pack is brought out and offered 'round.  But I generally need to be fairly soused and among the company of other smokers, a rarity in the circles I run in these days.  I'm the type that needs a ring leader to bring me into the fray: you know the kind, the ones who slyly bring out a pack at a dinner party once the dishes have been cleared and says "Mind if I smoke?" and everyone else at the table responds "Mind? Not if I can have one, too!" and then happily settles into an evening of boozing and smoking, having an absolutely lovely time of it.

Until the next morning, that is, when one awakes with a cigarette hangover and wonders "What was I thinking?"

Not all that long ago, it was considered socially
acceptable to smoke at dinner parties

So, for those of you who may question under what authority Reggie speaks when it comes to the behavior of and rules for smokers, I believe I have the smoking credentials to spell out what I believe are the rules by which smokers should abide in today's increasingly rabid anti-smoking world.  I'm not expecting you to agree with all of these rules in all cases, Dear Reader, but please do read them and give them some thought.  I'd be interested to hear from you, too, as to whether you think I've missed one or two, or am wide of the point in one or two cases.

Bars, booze, and butts: a match made in Heaven

Before I get to the rules, however, I'd like to share that I think the whole anti-smoking thing has gone too far here in America, and more recently in Europe.  Sacré bleu, that one cannot light up a cigarette in a restaurant in Paris anymore!  As far as I'm concerned, people should at least be allowed to smoke in bars and nightclubs, and even in certain grown-up restaurants that are large enough and well-ventilated enough to be able to support having a smoking section.  I'm fine with there being non-smoking restaurants for those that can't abide secondhand smoke, but I think there should be some choice in the matter, too—what's the harm in allowing a restaurateur the choice whether or not to have a smoke-free place?  I don't buy into the view that it isn't fair to non-smoking employees and other patrons of such establishments to be exposed to secondhand smoke.  Vote with your feet.  I don't know all that many people who are exactly forced against their will to work in or go to a bar or club that allows smoking, who don't have any other employment or entertainment choices available to them.  Smoking is the least of the vices available in some of those establishments—at least it was in more than a few of the choicer places I found myself in the wee hours of the night in my younger days.  If you don't want to inhale secondhand smoke, folks, then don't go to or work in a bar!  It's as simple as that.

Needless to say, Reggie does not countenance
encouraging young people to smoke

Now that I got that off my chest, here are my rules for thems that still smokes:

1.  Confine your smoking only to areas and places where it is explicitly allowed

Even though you may find the present-day restrictions on cigarette smoking inconvenient, if not annoying, you must heed such restrictions.  Rules are, after all, rules.

2.  Ask first, before lighting up

Whether in public or private.  It's common courtesy, thank you.

3.  Don't get shirty if someone objects to your smoking

Their rights trump yours.

4.  Take it outside

Unless explicitly condoned, confine your smoking to the great outdoors.

5.  Don't smoke while walking on the street

It is rude to the other people who are out and about, particularly those walking downwind of you, who have no choice but to inhale your secondhand smoke.

6.  Watch it with those ashes!

If you must walk around in public smoking a cigarette, don't do it holding it in such a way that there is any risk that you could brush against someone, leaving ashes on them, or even possibly burn them.  This is a particular pet-peeve of mine when walking along the sidewalks of New York, where I have on more occasions than I care to recollect found myself with someone's cigarette ashes deposited on my sleeve.  And if you do accidentally ash someone, you should apologize profusely for doing so, particularly if the person you've ashed objects to it!

7.  Don't walk around with a cigarette butt hanging out of your mouth, like some kind of Bowery bum

It looks disgusting and down market.

8.  Don't throw a lit cigarette butt onto the sidewalk or the street

It is thoughtless and dangerous, and can burn the feet of those you share the sidewalk with, such as my dear little Pompey.

9.  Dispose of your spent cigarette butts in proper receptacles

Don't just toss them on the streets or sidewalks, or into the bushes, assuming that someone else is going to pick them up after you.  And don't even consider depositing them in a potted plant or planter.  Your spent cigarette butt is litter.  Always dispose of cigarette butts in a trash can or in one of those public ashtrays set out in front of buildings.  If none of those are around, put the damn cigarette butt in your pocket, and dispose of it properly later.

10.  When taking a smoking break from your place of employment, do not hover around the entryway of the building, but rather walk a discrete distance away from it.  

It is decidedly unpleasant for those entering and exiting a building to have to walk through a haze of cigarette smoke in order to do so.  Besides, there's nothing that looks more depraved than seeing a gaggle of smokers sucking on cigarettes outside of a building.

11.  Don't smoke in the car

It is dirty and leaves a vile smell, and is unpleasant for other non-smoking riders trapped in the car with you.

12.  Be thoughtful of the people around you who may not share your love for smoking cigarettes

At the end of the day, this is what it is all about.

And there you have it, Dear Reader, Reggie's rules for those who (still) smoke.  If you must smoke, I suggest that you follow them, both for your sake and for the sake of others.

All photographs courtesy of LIFE Images

Reggie's Rules for Dining in Better Restaurants, Part I

While there may be some on the blogosphere who claim that a gentleman doesn't dine in restaurants, it is Reggie's view that a fellow needn't be the opposite of one if he enjoys doing so.  Although Reggie has the good fortune to be a member of one of New York's venerable clubs where he is able to dine excellently whenever he so chooses, he believes that life would be far less enjoyable indeed if he were to confine his gustatory pleasures to only within such walls when venturing beyond the sanctity of his own dining room, or those of his entertaining friends.

Variety is, after all, the spice of life.

As readers of this blog well know, Reggie regularly eats out with pleasure in New York City's restaurants, and has reviewed a number of them here on this blog.  He believes that one of the great pleasures of living in New York is the access it provides to excellent, varied, and superb restaurants, and he believes that refraining from going to them would be silliness indeed.  He's working on a number of additional restaurant reviews at this time that he looks forward to posting for his readers' delectation in the not-too-distant future.

Fewer restaurants provide table-side service these days,
but it is such a pleasure when they do

In the meantime, I thought it would be helpful, Dear Reader, if I were to outline my basic rules for dining in what I call "better" restaurants, which is the type of restaurant I (mostly) choose to frequent these days when out for an evening in New York (or elsewhere, for that matter).  I have divided my essay into two parts: the first focuses on the primary, or most important, rules for doing so, and the second outlines additional rules of a more miscellaneous nature.  I may even add a third one, if I feel it appropriate to do so.

Reggie's Rules for Dining in Better Restaurants, Part I

1.  Dress appropriately for the establishment

It may be fine to wear cargo shorts and a tee shirt to a quick gobble at a pizza parlor or the Olive Garden (a "casual dining" restaurant chain that Reggie has never eaten in, but is familiar with from having seen their impossibly cheery commercials on television), but it is not at all appropriate, in his view, to wear such an outfit to what I call "better restaurants," namely those where the food is superior to the run-of-the-mill, the rooms are carefully and (sometimes) expensively decorated, the tables are covered with cloths, and the maître d' is dressed in a suit, or an approximation of same.

One should dress appropriately when dining in "better" restaurants,
such as at the Four Seasons on Park Avenue

Reggie is routinely shocked at what he sees people showing up wearing at such restaurants these days, and dismayed that the miscreants who do so are rarely turned away by management, despite said diners' brazen flouting of the establishment's (oftentimes) published dress codes.  Reggie firmly believes that if one is going to a "better" restaurant one should wear "better" clothes to do so, both out of respect for the establishment and for the sensibilities of the other diners who have made the effort to dress appropriately.

2.  When shown to your table, if you are not satisfied with its location it is in your right to request to be seated elsewhere

Sometimes a restaurant's maître d' will initially show diners to a room's less desirable tables, hoping that they can fill them before surrendering the room's better-placed, or more desirable tables.  While Reggie is sympathetic to the desire to spread diners throughout a restaurant's rooms, he believes one needn't accept a table located next to the kitchen's swinging doors or a busy serving station, simply because that is what one is first offered.  It is more than acceptable, in his view, when shown to such a table to nicely ask to be seated instead at a different table, if one is available.  All one need say is, "I would prefer to have a table over there, if possible, please," and nod in the direction of where one would like to be seated.  You may not get the exact table you wish for, but odds are high that you will at least be seated at a better table than what you have initially been offered.

3.  If the restaurant's tables are packed together, it is appropriate to acknowledge the diners on either side of you

Popular New York restaurants often jam their tables close together, with diners at neighboring tables sitting cheek to jowl.  If you should find yourself being seated in such a restaurant, it is basic good manners to acknowledge the diners at the tables on either side of yours, particularly if you have to "excuse me" your way between the tables to reach your seat.  A simple "Good evening" will do.

4.  Be polite and pleasant to the staff

Once you have been seated, have good manners and acknowledge your servers as they go about their business of attending to you, since they are human beings and have feelings, too.  Do thank the person who takes your order and delivers your food, and also the busboy when he pours your water or removes your plate at the end of the meal.  You needn't go overboard in doing it, but you shouldn't ignore them, either.

A well run restaurant, such as Swifty's on Manhattan's UES,
is staffed with professionals trained to serve you expertly 

If your server appears to be somewhat over-familiar with you, and asks a few too many questions along the lines of "How are we doing tonight?" it is appropriate to respond "Well, thank you," and leave it at that.  You needn't feel compelled to ask them how they are "doing" or engage in exchanging names with them, at least if you are not so inclined.  Do be polite, however.

5.  When seeking the attention of the staff, do not make a show of impatiently waving your hand or—God forbid—snapping your fingers

Such activity is vulgar and is to be avoided, and is a decided disincentive to the person whose attention you are seeking to come to your assistance.  Simply raising your hand and making eye contact is usually sufficient to draw the attention of a restaurant's staff.  On the other hand, if you feel you are being egregiously ignored, for whatever reason, it is in your right to (discretely) bring it to the maître d's attention, so that they can remedy the situation.

6.  If the food you ordered is cooked improperly, it is in your right to send it back to be remedied

A restaurant's management would rather you be a satisfied customer than a disappointed one, as satisfied customers are repeat customers and disappointed ones are not.  So, if you ordered your salmon cooked "medium," and it is delivered to you either undercooked or overdone, do not hesitate to (nicely) send it back to have it cooked the way you asked for it (or replaced with one that is).  That does not mean you have license to be persnickety, or unreasonable, or difficult about it—just politely ask that the food you ordered be cooked the way you requested it (and are, incidentally, paying to have provided to you).  The same goes for a bottle of wine—it is appropriate to send a bottle back if it is "off," but it is not acceptable to send it back simply because after tasting it you don't care for the vintage.

7.  Do not speak loudly or use vulgar language, don't fight, and do not engage in conversations that are insulting to those near enough to hear what you are saying

You are not sitting in a cone of silence.  Respect the fact that the people within earshot are paying to spend a pleasant evening out, and listening to their fellow diners' foul language, squabbles, or less-than-flattering commentary is not part of what they have signed on for.  Keep a lid on it when out in public, please, and confine such unbecoming chatter to when and where you don't have an audience of strangers forced to listen to it.

A restaurant is not the proper venue to engage in fisticuffs

Now, Reggie admits that there are certain, very rare instances when it is permissible to take off one's gloves in public and really let one's dinner companion have it, audience be damned.  But Reggie believes that one should be extremely selective when doing so, and that one should only do it when one has been most shockingly and violently provoked.  It should be reserved only for those once-in-a-lifetime situations where one's dinner companion has (for whatever reason) insultingly and maliciously crossed a line with you that must never be violated, where there is simply no going back.  But only then.  Reggie is, in fact, working on a post about just such a confrontation that he once had (rather spectacularly) in a restaurant more than a decade ago, that he looks forward to sharing with you, Dear Reader, one day.

Now, getting back to the subject at hand . . .

8.  Do not allow the waiter or busboy to remove your plate until everyone else at the table has also finished eating

Many restaurants attempt to clear a diner's plate as soon as he (or she) has finished eating, even though there may be others at the table who have not yet finished.  This practice is to be discouraged, regardless of the establishment's intentions or general practices.  Reggie firmly believes that plates should only be allowed to be removed when everyone at the table has finished the course at hand.

The proper knife and fork placement for signifying
that one has not yet finished eating, and that
it is not yet appropriate to clear the plate from the table

Just so there should be no confusion in the matter, Reggie advises that when one has finished eating and others at the table are still eating, one should (a) be careful to place one's utensils on one's plate in such a manner that it is clear that one has not yet finished, and (b) if the waiter or busboy attempts to remove the plate anyway, then one should politely inform them that one has not yet finished, and only allow them to remove the plate once everyone else at the table has also finished.  It is only after all of the diners at the table have finished eating that it is appropriate to arrange one's silver in the four o'clock position signifying that one is ready to have one's plate taken away.

The proper knife and fork placement for signifying
that one has finished eating, and that it
is now appropriate to clear the plate from the table

The point here is that it is up to the diners to dictate to the waiter or busboy when it is appropriate to clear plates from the table, and not the other way around.

9.  Tip appropriately, with the general rule of thumb being 15%-20%, and higher if service has been exemplary

Restaurants in New York City charge a combined city and state sales tax of 8 ⁷⁄₈%.  When determining the proper amount to tip in the city's restaurants, most diners simply double the sales tax as a tip, which is an appropriately generous payout rate of 17 ¾%.  When service is better than average, though, rounding the tip up to 20% is merited, and if the service has been truly exceptional, well, then sometimes paying as much as 25% is justified.

Next: Reggie's restaurant rules pertaining to children, the use of electronic devices, doggy bags, and when one should call ahead . . .


Photographs of restaurant interiors from LIFE Images and Google Images; photographs of cutlery and plates by Reggie Darling  

Reggie's Rules for Navigating One's Way Around Manhattan Like a New Yorker, Part III

Following on my last essay in this series, in which I discussed Reggie's Rules for Taking Taxis In and Around New York, today's post focuses on a more comfortable and luxurious type of aboveground transportation available to savvy New Yorkers and visitors "in the know," namely livery cars.

This is the type of Lincoln Town Car that was available
for hire when I first moved to Manhattan, in 1980.
One of the most popular colors then was metallic blue

There are times when it is neither possible nor advisable to take a taxi in New York.  For instance, it is virtually impossible to get a taxi between 4 pm and 5 pm, during the evening's pre-rush hour shift change.  There are also times when one would prefer to ride around town without a meter ticking away, or when one desires more personalized service than a taxi can provide.  Fortunately, New York has many livery car services stocked with late model luxury cars available for hire with just a simple phone call, and which are a more pleasant—albeit more expensive—alternative to taxis.

Herewith are Reggie's Rules For Taking Livery Cars In and Around New York:

1.  When you are standing waiting to hail a taxi and none are to be found, don't be afraid to take a roaming livery car if one pulls over and offers you a ride

Livery drivers in New York earn extra money between assignments by giving rides to pedestrians who haven't hired them through a dispatcher.  They are not looking to abscond with you or rob you—they are looking for a fare.  The driver will usually cut you a deal, too, since these are off-the-books cash transactions.

This is the standard Lincoln Town Car available for hire today
in New York City.  Almost all of them are limousine black

2.  Always negotiate the fare before getting into a roaming town car

You don't have much bargaining power once you are sitting in the back seat.

3.  Hire a car and driver to pick you up after attending the theater

It is almost always impossible to find a taxi after the shows let out in the theater district or in front of the Metropolitan Opera.  Call ahead of time and find our when the performance ends and arrange to have a car and driver waiting outside to whisk you away to your destination.  It's a lot better than battling the hordes for a taxi.

One needn't be confined to American cars when engaging a
car and driver in New York.  European luxury cars are available too

4.  When attending events during the evening in out of the way places or where you can't be assured of finding a taxi, consider hiring a car and driver

If we are attending a black-tie party in some remote place, like the Chelsea Piers, or attending a performance in another borough, such as at the Brooklyn Academy of Music, I will hire a car and driver to take us there and pick us up at the end of the evening.  It is a most pleasant way to travel, particularly when dressed formally, and one is assured of having one's transportation ready and waiting for one when one wants it.

There are times when one prefers a larger, roomier
livery car, such as the Cadillac Escalade or a
Lincoln Navigator, or a Chevrolet Suburban.
All are available for hire in New York

5.  Hire a car and driver when going to and from the airport

This is a luxury well worth indulging in if you can at all afford to do so, and is a far more pleasant means of transportation than a taxi when leaving and re-entering the city on a trip or vacation.  Engaging a car and driver ahead of time alleviates any concerns about finding a taxi, and livery cars charge flat rates for airport drop-offs and pickups, so you know what the fare is going to be ahead of time.  Finally, livery cars provide door-to-door service, so one needn't struggle with one's luggage as one does when taking other forms of transportation.

And so there you have it: Reggie's Rules for Taking Livery Cars In and Around New York.  Although Reggie acknowledges that engaging a car and driver requires extra forethought and planning, and having sufficient room on one's credit cards to pay for such premium services, he believes that doing so is well worth the extra effort and cost when compared with other forms of transportation in the city, at least under the circumstances he has outlined in this essay.

But there are other, less expensive and—at times—more efficient means of getting around town in New York than either taxis or livery cars, which is the subject of the next installment in this series.

Next:  Reggie's Rules For Taking Buses and Subways In and Around New York

Photographs from Google Images