Well, It's So Much Better When We're Together

Let us not discuss the obvious, and increasingly declining, lack of blogging. Let us instead discuss my co-worker/part-time shrink, Rebecca. She's amazing. She bothers me sometimes but, for all the wrong reasons. Perhaps, we'll discuss this later. Now however, it's Becca's birthday.

Birthdays are special because they aren't like other days, they are original. They, birthdays, are the day on which you, the chosen person of that date, were born. Not everyone can say that. Today is Becca's bday. If, time life permits I shall update this post with pictures of my hand-crafted, thought provoking, blogger inspired birthday present. If not, use your imagination.

I made her a card. The inside read:

"My father used to brag 'age is just a number.' Surely, I believed to simply avoid facing the reality of his own age. Nonetheless, he would always add, "our hearts however, choose our age." So I thought about it and avoiding as many numbers as possible, I realized you are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. So Rebecca I ask, today, how old are? And if it's lonely once you've added, subtracted, and divided your way through the years to realize you are 5 and in the sandbox, know that I'll play with you even once we realize our numbers are older than our ages tell. Really, it's shoe sizes that matter anyways. So, dig deep, worry less, and always carry a shovel in the sandbox of life. "

Birthdays: growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Wordless Wednesday # 23 - Life Without Love Is A Shadow Of The Way Things Could Be

I , I won't worry my life away.

Would You Fill Up My Empty Glass With a Shot of Innocence?.... I Haven't Had Any Sense I Fell In Love.

Reason # 234 why marrying seems less appealing: "Boys Will Be Boys"


-"stop being a boy;step-up and be a man!"

Some people call me a pessimist of love but, I'm not. I'm just a realist. I've only been alive a few decades but, those decades have forced me to realize the actuality that is, love and being loved. I'm not the most profound of lovers but, I know enough to make the boys turn pink. Somewhere in between being hit on in hijab and realizing that virgin doesn't always refer to a non-alcoholic mix I learned that boys will be boys and a few other helpfuls. Too often and too cliched is the above quote, never thought I'd hear it personally, especially coming from my mouth...

Saturday, I stopped by (my -ex/varsity) high-school girls volleyball game. They lost. They deserved it. Maybe it's just me but, I feel like if you're wearing hijab you shouldn't be pulling up your jersey to tie it in the back. This isn't a J.Lo video and the ref isn't Ricky Martin; put some clothes on. Even without the religious aspect two girls showed up in jeans. Jeans?! Seriously, what kinda damage are you planning on spiking down in a pair of low rise jeans?Some of these girls aren't aware of their worth to the opposite gender but, trust you me dollface, jeans have ruined many relationships. I've broken a few hearts and maybe fewer spirits in some jeans, and I'm damn proud of it. The difference is I knew what I was doing.

One of the girls 16, in her low-rise hipsters, told me her 'tentative fiance'- whatever that means-- was supposed to surprise her. He didn't, but his best friend did. I could tell you about the drama that ensued over him (the best friend) whistling from the bleachers every time she went for a dig; I could describe the way her jeans hugged her hips and winked with her every sway;I could tell you that her fiance missed more than a game, he missed a whole peep show. But, I won't. Instead, I'll explain how she not only got the fiance's best friends' attention but, a few of the opposing teams' brothers,boyfriends, and even fathers. Oh yes fathers, in fact, one of them yelled "Don't matter if she looses, as long as she gets low I'm winning." Then he reached over to hi-5 his son with a huge grin. The wife, and mother simply turned the other cheek and my poor hip-swinging, baby shamefully exited stage left with clouds of tears filling her eyes.

As I headed over to console I darted a lasting glare of judgment at the father-son, douche bag-duo. I looked after them and whispered, "Is this what kind of man you want to be?" The bleachers fell silent, no one dared move. I took the first step and shifted towards the locker room to hold my unassuming bit of innocence. She cried until her heart stopped pounding and whimpered into my breast "sorry, I didn't know.... I didn't mean to..." I asked her what she thought would happen with her dressing so scandalously. She said all too honest, "I thought he would be here & I thought he would love me."

"Is it better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all?" She was so consumed with pleasing him that she lost herself in search of him. Men never actually mature; they grow older but, do they ever grow up? Boys will be boys; but I'm not a girl. I need a man, I want to feel safe and secure in his passionate embrace. I want to be turned on by mind and become moistened by his thoughts. I left the game and texted another him.

Me: I can't do this anymore, every time we talk it's either a one-word response or none at all.
Him: WTF!
Me: Yeah, I'm done. I can't stand not knowing where I stand.
Him: Ok, lol.
Me: I just guess I thought this time around especially with you it would be different.
Him:I'm not ready for any relationship.
Me:And I'm not looking for one...
Him:Than what do you want from me?
Me:Nothing.

And with that I deleted yet another soul from my passionate book of contacts. It's not that I don't love him, it's not that he doesn't not love me. But, he's been here longer than me. He's supposed to be stronger than me and yet, merely texting him leaves me weak. Somethings not right and for once I know I'm not what's wrong. Makes you think, 'what would the world be like if Eve was the forbidden fruit?'

Friday Fragments//Jum'uah Jottings # 1- I Know It's Your Soul Baby but, Could You Bottle It Up?

Hear ye, Hear Ye! Today I present A.D.D induced blogging. Actually I just lied; I've been A.D.D. blogging since the age of 5, with sidewalk chalk. I got this bang-up idea from the gorgeous ginger over at Yaya's Stuff.

In an effort to keep my newly restored Karma I've decided to begin a section in which I rant/release all the bundled emotions that reside inside. The catch is, once I blog about it, that's it. No more unnecessarily fuming over it or running over peoples cell phones. -- Not that I ever would do such a thing.**looks both ways**


Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #1

My OCD really has been getting the best of me. Since my room is always clean I've started intentionally messing it up and then leaving only to return 4-7 mins later, look really confused about 'how on earth I let myself live like this' just so that I have something to clean. My brother said it makes me sound crazy but, men like crazy chicks if it involves cleaning. Then he called my "domesticated."

When my brother calls me domesticated it agitates my soul. Do I look like a pussy...cat!?
....................................................................................................................

I'm going home this weekend to visit Ms. Jo's new born. He's all too precious. Not that I still believe in cooties but, I kinda feel dirty considering that I actually know where newborns come from--and it ain't the stork, kiddos. My sister asked "What baby-makin song" I thought he was conceived to. First I think I gagged in my mouth-- no offense to the baby's' parents-- then I answered, anything Barry White. Barry White doesn't sing to or about women he sings to thier reproductive organs. You might not even be trying to get pregnant and then BAM! Barry White comes on and convinces you that you are mistaken.
.................................................................................................................

Our campus MSA is putting together a movie night. Don't ask why the on campus religious organization is organizing a screening for Hell Boy. I personally fail to see the significance. I asked "why were watching said movie as an MSA event?" I was told "So that the boys and the girls can feel more comfortable with each other in the dark." The person wasn't kidding.
..................................................................................................................

My unnecessarily hot physics lab instructor favors me. I think it's because he knows I have morals and would never do anything with him. Sometimes, I create awkward scenarios just to see how he responds.

Me:"how many kids do you want?"
Him: "How ever many my wife feels comfortable having."
Me: "Cute but, I need a quantifiable amount!"
Him:" a lot."
Me: "Define a lot, because I'm Muslim so 'a lot' might mean you have to start driving a taxi as a side gig."
Him: "Umm, enough so that when I retire they can all take care of me...and I could use the taxi for another reason."
Me: "Oh."

I'm done asking questions for a while.
..............................................................................................................................

I've started documenting the ridiculous things I over hear throughout the week. Here are my top 4


1." Yeah, but, last time she totally smelt like sex" -- overheard 5th graders from the elementary school hallway--about the librarian.

2."She didn't know it but, we just got married in my head." -- My almost-not-so boss- boss about the first time he met me.

3."Woah, Devyn uses lots of words"-- about a Real World Brooklyn cast member who talks too much and thinks too little.

4."Some people have i-Pods. I just have my g/f's i-Rack"-- Some East coast business major on his phone discussing his "favorite things" while on the bus

..............................................................................................................................

My mom called me fat. It hurt more than I thought it would. I considered being anorexic. Then, I got hungry and ate.
..............................................................................................................................


I've had me braces for 6 years. I think God's punishing me. I lied to my grandma about not eating the peppermints that one time. She said she wasn't watching me but, God was. My mouth hasn't been the same since. I was 6.

Coincide? I think not.

A Scrub Is Guy That Can't Get No Love From Me...

It's the month of love. I turned in my classics of children's literature analytical essay.

My A.I. read the rough draft and asked

Her: Are you having a breakdown?
Me: **silent and blankly staring back** I looked at her as if to ask if she wanted the truth.
Her: umm, then are you on Adderall?
Me: Oh.

I took me 6 straight hours. I pumped out a measly but, brilliant 3.5 pages. My argument:Charles Perrault's adaptation of “Aschenputtel” emphasizes the moral and materialistic concerns of society heavily reinforcing gender stereotypes within “Cinderella.” That's right I took the feminist approach. Sue Me. I stated that Cinderella was only 'good enough' for the prince once she was externally beautiful. If you recall the prince doesn't even have a name. Cinderella however was gaga for him from the beginning, ready to risk death as a glorified slave just to meet him.

The prince does not even have a name, but he did have a title. This expresses the thought that men are only interested in woman for their external and physical contributions AND that women are not only, eager but, waiting to give it away. For centuries, fairy tales have been used to express subliminal messages of existing tabooed desires, gender roles, class expectations, and etiquette. The Prince just wanted some action, and like a fool she gave it up for free. I guess that's where the Boleyn's learned all their tricks. I said Cinderella is a glorified prostitute.

I'm a beast.

Untitled Evidence

♫ Why is it that we always speak in terms of rules instead of what would be beautiful? Do we worship a God of rules or a God of beauty?

There's a War Going On For Your Mind...

Photo inspiration came from my neighbor:
He said "your lucky your so bubbly"
I ask 'why, Ahmed'
He says "because when you get to a hard hill in life you can float on by"

Look at me! Look at me! I can ride a bike with no handlebars.

Hands in the air like its good to be alive and on top. Lately between the event planning and organization bashing that is 'non-for-profit' fund raising I find myself high on life. It's all about helping those who can't help themselves right? Once I thought life was like a race, all about crossing the finish line. Now however I'm left to wonder what my prize is if I get there first. I guess it's all about checking my motivations and thoughts. But, at the same time isn't that a bit naive to trust that the intentions of others are as pure, innocent, and romantic as my own? Now it's raining blasphemy; lovers take shelter.


There's a war going on for your mind. Now tell me who will win? Or is it even worth fighting for? Today I babysat, or as I like to call it kidnap. Kids are worth alot, ya know. They are worth more than being worthless. Catch that? Their minds are uncorrupted and easily adaptable. Their sin is even pure. Oh, how I envy them. Today the youngest, Logan asked me if "I could change anything about the world what would it be?". I responded with a swift and confident "I would talk less, and pray more. Oh and bad drivers. I swear 3/4 of America found their licenses in the Cracker Jack box" I let out a cool smile and flipped my hair.

Logan smiled up at me from on the floor. So I glance at him and ask this oh so 'wise' 6 yr. old what he would change. His answer: "I would change their minds." Minds. What a powerful thought. I was thinking changing actions. End poverty, grant world peace, save the penguins. I broke down the branches of evil but he targeted the roots. It takes thoughts, to make actions, words, pain... not the opposite. "A smart man learns from his mistakes, but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others." We talk about pain, hurt, change, and war like it hasn't happened before. Or won't happen again...

I guess we're all a bunch of idiots.
Maybe the children will educate us.
And so the student has become the teacher.
I wouldn't have it any other way.

Say Something Worth Having Them Attack You For...

"Believe in change. It exists."

Evolution is something which has always perplexed me. And, as clichéd as it sound I often wonder Who am I? and What have I become? With my steadily increased level of activity in the world I notice more and more exactly how pron I am to running into my past..literally. Not that my past is something that I am ashamed of for it grants me confidence in the person I am today. I do however, wish never to return to certain states of my history.

In school it's odd how we learn about the history of nations, tribes, and colonies but not necessarily the individuals that made such possible. If I died today, at this very moment would it matter? I hope that I've left my marks in the history books forever, but as an individual. If I have to be grouped who would I be with and why? These are the questions that have plagued my mind for the past 2 weeks.

“If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything.”

I know that first impressions mean alot, if not everything. But, what impressions am I leaving behind? One impressed footprint after another on the paths of others lives I now approach with caution. Yesterday, I was told I am an inspiration. But, what do I have to show for myself today?Trust is something I feel must be gained, and yet I do not trust in life. It's ironic that it's time like these I pray. If they take tomorrow and the plans we made..if they take the music that will never play, all the broken dreams, take everything, just take it away... they can never have yesterday.

So my past can't be re-written, my friends and enemies never forgotten. I hope for my sake they are not one in the same. But, part of me knows they are. My 'friends' may trust that I'm making a mistake with my life. They may frown upon my chosen career, and even ambitions. But what are they worth? Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before; like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for.

So today I advise you all to join me. Risk something.Take back what's yours. Say something that you know they might attack you for.