When Somebody Loved Me Everything Was Beautiful...

It's final weeks which in short means reviewing everything you thought you knew to quickly and unfortunately realize you know nothing. Then you stress, worry, and think about thinking about sleeping but, you don't. And if you're me, you have two, really 3, jobs, semi-alcoholic neighbors, friends in other states having mock crises which require 4am phone calls, and presentations galore. I do everything for everyone and for nothing besides, temporary peace of mind. And while I hate to quote Ms. Spears in such a moment, "all I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I'm in between." So, there it is dearest of constantly neglected blogs, I'm someone I don't know and currently feeling a little besides myself.


Someone with Postsecret agrees:

"She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces."

It's fairly simple really: my ever-increasing list of things to do is leaving me feeling totally undone. I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. It's cheating. The world is cheating, or perhaps the world is just wiser than I. Either way, I've found there is only one solution:

I want to take a vacation...with myself. How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterward.

I shall sip cocoa, leave my hair in it's original waved bounce state, and pray for the rain to continue. If I'm lucky laughter, dancing, and romantic interests will be peaked.

World, now, right now, I need me.

There's so much nonsense; It's on my conscience..

Where am I?


I am here, physically anyways. It's both a crossroads and a one way.

What's got me so busied?



This. Better known as this.

Where am I going?

I'm not sure yet...... but, I'm sure it'll be fabulous.

Too Legit, Too Legit to Quit...

It's been exactly 2 weeks since I've posted. And for those smart a$$es of you out there scrolling down, ready to comment, and point out my miscalculation know that you are wrong. I posted that steroids post only about 3 weeks ago, when I was actually on steroids/sick. And for those of you ready to argue and be all "well I beg to differ!", know that you are still wrong. You can edit/manipulate the dates on your post. So you see I might actually be posting from the future..oooo--000OO--hhhh.

Ha, I actually just made that sound outloud. I wonder why people use sounds instead of words. I understand using sounds during times when words won't properly escape, like during times of intense pleasure or even pain. But, have you ever had a conversation with people who just make noises and expect you to understand? Example:

Me: Hey! How are you
Her: eh
Me: Oh really?
Her: neh
Me: Well, then I'm just gonna go...
Her: huffs, smiles.


It's very frustrating and often disturbing. When I find myself in such situations I usually just slowly back away and instead talk to myself, in my head of course. The worse though is when I laugh. I have a nervous laughter and so am constantly giggling/snickering at the most absolute of inappropriate times. Think Church, the bank, fires, funerals. If it it's a disaster or about to become one I'm probably laughing and shouldn't be present. The sad part is the more you try and contain these laughs the louder they get. In fact they explode, and then you can never go back to that grocery store again because you almost peed yourself during the robbery they had 3 days ago....not that I know, or have experience or anything.

But, none of that is what this post was supposed to be about. The post was to simply tell you , I'm alive! I've recovered from that terrible slump I was headed down and have found solace in knowing I'm alive. It's not some cute or terribly traumatic-blog worthy epiphany. I just woke up this morning and learned that the kid I babysat last night peed all over me. In fact, she soiled my new sheets, my new pajamas, and even got a little on my cell phone she disobediently slept
with in her hand. Urine phones, yum! We showered, got dressed, and headed out to shop for the day, shoes.

I complained about not having new shoes, until we saw a man who had no feet.

And then it all changed, why complain about the things going wrong in my life when there is so much going right in my life? So for those of you who wanted a quick update know that I'm fine AMAZING! I just got two summer jobs I wasn't actually looking for. I get paid about 15$ to watch kids I already watched for free. I'm nannying, going to school , and have finally moved from my condo-- nestled in that sweet college town. [No worries, I got a nicer one]

Wordless Wednesday, Friday Fragments, Conversations w/ Muslims, Useless word w/ my mother, AND Confessions of the Month are back!

You get 5 for the price of none. Well aren't you all lucky. Think, finding 25$ feel good, or eating 3 slices of strawberry cheese cake with 0 calories good. Yeah, it's that good.

In Case You're On Steroids....

So apparently steroids is the new way to get out of a ticket. My blog is OBVIOUSLY under construction and not just because of the title. So please don't feel the need to contact me (tweets included) to let me know the layout is "hard to read" or "sckwey". Also just refrain from emailing me if the words SPELL CHECK mean nothing to you.

I'll be back tomorrow with an update/post (and hopefully decent layout)

UPDATE: People are stupid and are now emailing about where my blog went. To say it's under construction doesn't mean don't come here or I'm demolishing it! Arg. Of course only you people who are actually here have discovered it's not gone...and I'm still typing.


P. And the ladies at Symphonic are following me on Twitter.
They saw my face *gasp* *laugh* *blush**flees....*

P.S. Anyone else hear about how Chris Brown blamed his ignorance...err abusive behavior on steroids? CHRIS BROWN+ STEROIDS+ RIHANNA

P.P.S. Why does everyone have 3+ blogs all of a sudden? Do we really need a blog for every day of the week/month?! (not an individual attack on AMW)

Friday Fragments//Jumu'ah Jottings #4- None But Ourselves Can Free Our Minds

The week has trickled off to an ending and instead of feeling my usual ecstatic self all I know is that I need more than this. Somewhere between procrastinating, crying, and episodes of House I realized I've got to be more than the change I see in the world. I've got to be the world.

So perhaps, I won't be the entire world but, I've got to be a piece larger than I am now. So double the fragments, and double the possibilities!

Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #4

My brother is becoming increasingly ignorant. I think Rice was a complete waste of money. I asked him why he has yet to marry to which he answered "Oh her shipping and handling price was too high." :|

I instructed him that this was ridiculous females do NOT have shipping and handling cost. He said, "No? Because this broad said I'd have to move her here, and deal with her." He said he'd ship her but, refused to handle her.
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The Nuns from Saint Marys came to visit the class this week. I'm not sure what happened to separation of church and state but, there they were in a public school. They gave the children 'holy water.' Billy asked if the whole school was holy. Apparently the sisters were running low on supplies as we caught them filling the small bottles in the school fountain.


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Over Heard Moments @ the Elementary School:

Student # 1: So...how do blind people wipe their ass?
Student # 2: The same way everyone else does. Oh...oh my god, that's gross, Wendy. Most people don't look at it.

Hot Male Parent # 1: Have you read or seen He's Not That Into You?
Random girl, to uninterested guy: No.
Hot Male Parent # 1: Well, I highly recommend you read it!

My sister to my brother: "You shut up! I'm genetically superior" -- who says that!? lol
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Did You Know?!

• Real diamonds can be made from peanut butter.
• It is illegal to purchase or consume Jack Daniel's Whiskey in the town in which it is produced!
• Cows don't have upper teeth.

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I went to see one of my best friends Zahra over S.break. We thought it would be funny if we could both fit into my old 'obese' sweatpants. When we tried to take a step, she fell on top of me. She started peeing uncontrollably.


We had to cut ourselves out of the sweatpants.

-FML

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Over S.Break I went to get my nails done. I got a pedicure because not only did I want it but, I needed it. The lil Asian man doing my nails keep exclaiming how I needed to get them done more often....I beg to differ. Nails are not a medical condition. Anyways I told him that my feet were in such a bad condition because I'm a dancer. He said, "You either come mo often or you no dancing." I told him to stop dancing wasn't an option. I think he thought if I don't dance I won't have money, which means I can't get my nails done. This is also code for him basically thinking I was stripper :|
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I bought this snazzy bracelet inspired by Twilight on Etsy.

Jealous?

[ left click and select view picture for enlargement]

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Word of the week

Recessionista - A person who is able to stick to a tight budget while still managing to dress stylishly.

see also: Octomom
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This week was about sharing, sharing with the world whatever you have to offer. Two students shared similar stories of death. I didn't know at the time they were the murders. One girl hugged her cat to death while the other placed her bunny in the family dryer. I felt bad but, laughed. It wasn't a quite laugh either.

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There’s this whole movement about bringing back nature into the concrete jungles we’ve built in the past 100 years but this is probably the most direct yet indirect way of doing it. Those painted line dividers we see everywhere serve a huge purpose but in an attempt to humanize and naturalize them, designer Ji-Hye Koo covers them with Nature On A Tape - essentially a pre-potted strip of grass that’ll grow with no effort.



It’s sculptural and 3-dimensional but who’s gonna trim it tho?
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I love when my grandma speaks to me in Spanish except when it's angry spanish. That usually ends crazy. Abuela quote of the week "In a calm sea, every man is a pilot."
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I saw this little girl outside of the post office with her mom. She was in tears. Apparently she had discovered her first love and of course he disappointed.Her mothers snapped at her "Jessie, stop pouting! Boys never actually love girls. The heart of love is fear."

I scribbled she's wrong one a post-it note and tapped it on the window. I wonder if she believed me.
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Ron Paul doesn't go the gym. He stays fit by exercising his civil rights.
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This week in 4th grade we read Harriet the Spy. The children wouldn't stop calling her Whore-iette.

I don't like how the girl in the book behaves.
So I let them keep doing it.


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I gave up Oreos and Pizza for Lent, I gained 14lbs.

F my life.

I'm not even Christian

and I'm still hungry...


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Instead of having the D-bag of the week I'm introducing

Useless information I learn as a Marriage and Family Relationship therapist

1.)In India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than buy a condom!

2.)There are men in Guam whose job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the 1st time.

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Signing off , wishing each of you a lovely and blessed weekend.

Friday Fragments//Jum'uah Jottings # 1- I Know It's Your Soul Baby but, Could You Bottle It Up?

Hear ye, Hear Ye! Today I present A.D.D induced blogging. Actually I just lied; I've been A.D.D. blogging since the age of 5, with sidewalk chalk. I got this bang-up idea from the gorgeous ginger over at Yaya's Stuff.

In an effort to keep my newly restored Karma I've decided to begin a section in which I rant/release all the bundled emotions that reside inside. The catch is, once I blog about it, that's it. No more unnecessarily fuming over it or running over peoples cell phones. -- Not that I ever would do such a thing.**looks both ways**


Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #1

My OCD really has been getting the best of me. Since my room is always clean I've started intentionally messing it up and then leaving only to return 4-7 mins later, look really confused about 'how on earth I let myself live like this' just so that I have something to clean. My brother said it makes me sound crazy but, men like crazy chicks if it involves cleaning. Then he called my "domesticated."

When my brother calls me domesticated it agitates my soul. Do I look like a pussy...cat!?
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I'm going home this weekend to visit Ms. Jo's new born. He's all too precious. Not that I still believe in cooties but, I kinda feel dirty considering that I actually know where newborns come from--and it ain't the stork, kiddos. My sister asked "What baby-makin song" I thought he was conceived to. First I think I gagged in my mouth-- no offense to the baby's' parents-- then I answered, anything Barry White. Barry White doesn't sing to or about women he sings to thier reproductive organs. You might not even be trying to get pregnant and then BAM! Barry White comes on and convinces you that you are mistaken.
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Our campus MSA is putting together a movie night. Don't ask why the on campus religious organization is organizing a screening for Hell Boy. I personally fail to see the significance. I asked "why were watching said movie as an MSA event?" I was told "So that the boys and the girls can feel more comfortable with each other in the dark." The person wasn't kidding.
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My unnecessarily hot physics lab instructor favors me. I think it's because he knows I have morals and would never do anything with him. Sometimes, I create awkward scenarios just to see how he responds.

Me:"how many kids do you want?"
Him: "How ever many my wife feels comfortable having."
Me: "Cute but, I need a quantifiable amount!"
Him:" a lot."
Me: "Define a lot, because I'm Muslim so 'a lot' might mean you have to start driving a taxi as a side gig."
Him: "Umm, enough so that when I retire they can all take care of me...and I could use the taxi for another reason."
Me: "Oh."

I'm done asking questions for a while.
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I've started documenting the ridiculous things I over hear throughout the week. Here are my top 4


1." Yeah, but, last time she totally smelt like sex" -- overheard 5th graders from the elementary school hallway--about the librarian.

2."She didn't know it but, we just got married in my head." -- My almost-not-so boss- boss about the first time he met me.

3."Woah, Devyn uses lots of words"-- about a Real World Brooklyn cast member who talks too much and thinks too little.

4."Some people have i-Pods. I just have my g/f's i-Rack"-- Some East coast business major on his phone discussing his "favorite things" while on the bus

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My mom called me fat. It hurt more than I thought it would. I considered being anorexic. Then, I got hungry and ate.
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I've had me braces for 6 years. I think God's punishing me. I lied to my grandma about not eating the peppermints that one time. She said she wasn't watching me but, God was. My mouth hasn't been the same since. I was 6.

Coincide? I think not.

The Less I know, The More I Understand...

"Ms. A you're crazy! Facebook isn't the devil."

I contemplated punishing the blue-eyed tot that called me crazy. Then I realized this was the perfect opportunity to introduce this weeks theme "freedom of speech and expression, how much is it worth?" And, while they may have been right about facebook not being the devil I refuted all claims by opening up my bag to release today's topic thought. It was a crisp and clean copy of the news. There in black and white lay the reason I encourage my students to challenge everything. I told the class that last night lives were bought and sold without them ever knowing.

4 kids revealed that they had a fB. I informed the class that according to fB's newly updated Terms of Use that as of Feb. 4th those 4 kids and everything they ever did across a fB server belonged to not only Mark Zuckerberg, the owner and CEO but, Facebook as a company, forever. According to Facebook my 4 students should have known this was going to happen, but they didn't. Facebook didn't send out a mass notification asking users to sign off on the changes either.They simply updated a note on thier site stating that via the Terms of Use:

"We reserve the right, at our sole discretion, to change, modify, add, or delete portions of these Terms of Use at any time without further notice.If we do this, we will post the changes to these Terms of Use on this page and will indicate at the top of this page the date these terms were last revised."

The first issue with such terms is that The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in the US has held that companies cannot unilaterally vary the terms of a contract such as this one by merely updating their website, and that actual notice is required to users. I guess that Facebook and/or their lawyers either didn't hear about that case, or they're choosing to ignore it and hope that courts outside the 9th Circuit do likewise.

According to the Consumerist blog, which warned readers of the changes, fB's biggest controversy is surrounding the portion within their updated Terms of Use which states any information or content shared while on the Network is theirs to own, forever.

That means all those documented late-night trips to Wendy's, inappropriate/crude wall post, and Not-so-sober vids will forever remain. I agree that people should consider what they upload before they upload it; BUT is it ok to take material that is not yours and utilize such for the personal betterment of wealth and company growth? Zuckerberg's Monday post sought to downplay fears that Facebook has dark motivations for amassing user data."We wouldn't share your information in a way you wouldn't want," Zuckerberg said.

"But, that's crazy Ms.A. That's real peoples' lives."

Yes, Sarah Lynn it is crazy; and those are real people. I'm all for stealing from the rich and giving to the poor but, this scandal is just down right appalling. I made my about-face from Facebook long ago but, this is enough to make me keep my distance for awhile....or at least Summer.

I'm Not Paralyzed But, I Seem To Be Struck by You...

"Let my memories flood over you as you sleep.
I will wait for the day when you capture me in that essence.
Then our two will be one."

You come over unannounced. Silence broken by your voice in the dark. I need you here tonight just like the ocean needs the waves.

People disappoint me. In all honesty why must humanity be so cruel? I went to a 'gathering' tonight. You know the ones designed by a couple of your closest friends to pit you up with some of the less close of your closer people. The awkward-text-while-acting-busy/distracted set-up.On the way home I couldn't help but, to think how blessed I was to be headed home. Then, it happened.

A friend of mine texted me something about my family. I don't think it would have hurt so much if it wasn't true, but it was. He said, "Congrats! On your lil brother". My brothers live in Texas. The girls do not. My parents decided sans me that this would change....overnight. I wish I would be clued into 'family' decisions. There is something about hearing things through the grapevine that really chills me to the bone. When it impacts me directly it matter more. But, I guess that's how everyone feels. This world is so selfish.

Yet, again I realize my friends are plagued by temptations from Saytan (and gave in). My parents are out to destroy me (despite their pleasant smiles and best intentions), my new roomate is stalking me (no joke), and I have another marriage proposal as of Friday. I did what I do best run and then take shelter.

This roughly translates to updating my blogger (like the changes?),de-activating my facebook (again), ignoring all 32 text/hr, jogging for 4 hrs straight, telling my mom I'm disappointed in her, and refusing to eat for 3 days. I'm not depressed though. Resentful and coping maybe that I am.

It's just sometimes I don't have the energy to prove everybody wrong... Or posses the will to stand up and pretend I'm strong. They all took their turns. Now when is my chance to give up?

And I've Come To Find Refuge In The Easy Silence You Bring...

You know what agitates me?

Creeperbook. I feel like it really has a purpose but, somewhere in invites to zombie wars, poking, stalking, groups of people who 'need numbers! Dropped/Broke phones', flirting via wall posts, and status updates about Twilight and Dark Knight I completely missed it. That being said, I went on a 3 day hiatus.

Almost every morn for the past 2 weeks I've awoken with three thoughts: Getting married, gaining weight, and death. Yes, in that order. Forever it confused me why these 3 thoughts plagued my mind and today I had the epiphany. Yes, the epiphany which always grants me clarity. It is the reason I've hit the gym 5 times in 3 days, de-activated the Stalkbook, and have resorted to talking in 3rabi.

Sense of control lost.

I can't currently control my weight. I'm not gaining, but I'm not loosing. I have no clue when I'm getting married, who I'm getting married to, OR even IF/WHY I'll get married. And, given the 3 birthday parties I've been to in 2 days I know death is nearer rather than further. And yest still I waste away time like it's infinite. So what's this simple Southern Belle to do...

Guitar Hero, of course.

In other news has anyone seen the new McDonald's commercial with the African girl i America speaking Arabic to the African American? Oh the irony of the whole commercial. I'm slightly disappointed and still amused. I've learned to play 'Sexy Can I' on the keyboard. The Jonas Brothers just purchased a house in the same gated community complex as my dads. I went to the local Hookah bar for a bday bash. It still amazes me how it is the one location in which gender, nationality, and religion have no existence in our community. The one place of haram is where they all unite. Oh the irony of that statement.

So tell me what does it mean now that I've discovered a Miley Cyrus song is a musical summary of my current life....

I Go Where True Love Goes; It's Where Heaven Programs Humanity

I've returned from my 2-week long hiatus of Leadership Camp Retreat. I understand now, why I am a Muslim. The site was breathtaking. I am inspired and necessary.I understand now, why I am a Muslim. May it never change.


[[In Case Sideshow Doesn't Appear]]

EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA!

And on this day in June of 2008 let it be known that this girl has talent. Update time! MAS National got word about what happened in Dallas, they said they loved my audition tape and although I was no longer the first place contestant that I was indeed 'note worthy'. Basically they asked if I would MC not one but two of the concerts.

Meaning not only would I get to display my talent BUT I would have a larger portion in the production than originally offered. AND I would be the ONLY contestant nation-wide offered such a slot. When faced with family/friends, graduations galore, and weddings however I had to resign. That's right, I said "no thank-you". I mean talk about an Outlandish decision. I also donated my tickets and Sound of Reason dinner opportunity. As sad/bitter as I am however, I feel like it was the right choice. Family and friends are everything. I would be nothing without them. Here I was so excited for my dreams and yet so ready to abandon them.

The Muslim youth need a new voice, doesn't mean it has to be mine though. I would be the only female and youngest contestant to open. And, that speaks volumes. Maybe the entire Muslim nation won't get to hear my performance/material. Maybe I missed my 'big break'. But, there are some great Muslims out there that hold the same values and opinions as I. The Muslim youth need a new voice, and they have it. And that's all I ever prayed for. So let it be known that on this day in June of 2008 I officially endorse Zain Shamoon and Abdullah Dahduli the Detroit, Michigan & Dallas, Texas opening acts. I know them personally and although we don't talk [ever] we share a dream, a voice for change.