Simple

 

There was a prompt to post an awkward photo from childhood, so I went through what I had.  And what most struck me was... I wasn't ugly.  Compared to what I was told as a kid, all the fussing about my hair and dark circles under my eyes, and freckles, big nose, and thin lips and on and on, I can't see it. I was cute.  Even my adolescent photos... I was lovely.  Not movie start pretty, but not at all the plain and unpleasant face I assumed I had. I was beautiful, in my own way. 

And I feel such a wave of despair that I was not allowed to see that. That I was put in pastels - which were not flattering. My hair was badly cut and cared for, but it was a nice color with a slight curl. And I do look rather boyish if you hide the pigtails.  Maybe that is it, too. Well, and don't really have an open mouth smile. 

Messy hair, old t-shirt, and still, there I am. Not ugly.  

Having met several NB people in recent years, I have begun to think that if I were a young person today, I would identify as fem/NB. It's not a big revelation, more of finding a new way to express the idea. I knew I wasn't girly, but also that I wasn't a boy. Anatomically female, attracted mostly to men.  Lots of moving parts to sex/gender/orientation.  The idea that it is a simple question, "Are you a man or a woman?!" is, of course, a False Dichotomy. 

It took so long for me to grow into my own skin, and that was absolutely tied to how I was treated as a small human.  Maybe that is part of why I am so patient with my skittish cats, giving them what I needed is vital.  Not to mention admiring their beauty.