Extinction

We saw friends in town for The Cure concert this week.  Dylan's friends since high school, so I largely listened. I've known them for 30 + years, this is fine. Many nodes of intersection.  And these days I am most comfortable allowing and listening. We have been keeping in touch via zoom over the past few years. Covid brought together the friends, when work and life moved everyone away.  Now that travel is  expensive, difficult, uncomfortable, they can all still share stories. 

My former friend is mentioned. She is not doing well, physically or mentally. Which is terribly sad, and not all that surprising. I knew some of her rough childhood, and the damage done - much of it I didn't understand until later on. Her husband still in touch with this same group of friends. I was how they knew each other, which makes me feel a bit responsible.  They were adults when they met, they chose  and I will never know how they feel about that now. I am not arrogant enough to think I could have acted any differently in a way that would have made any difference. 

But. 

There is a sadness that I have nowhere to go with.  And I will sit with it.  We will not be friends again, she wanted from me something I would not ever give. Not her therapist, not her mother figure, not her sister. 

I forgot how kind one of these friends is. He proudly wears the Asshole label, but his actions are inclusive and funny. He leaves space for women to be heard, and makes sure they know they are safe, all without a bit of fuss. Having him in our House is a small mitzvah. 

I am quietly amused that our friends with late teen kids, well those kids are all a version of Queer. And it's all taken in stride with a dash of humor. And like me, there is a reassessment of their own CIS-ness.  Their parents' generation - who would have been horrified and struggled, are dismissed without comment.  There has been a sea-change, and the squealing of the extremists is extinction burst. 

Then we met with Dylan's parents, two brothers, SIL and nephews.  One brother is so like Dylan in kindness, humor and interests. His father is looking so frail, and I'm getting him the information he needs to get on with the VA. While trying not to know too much about his health issues. My trouble is that I was trained from birth as a hyper-vigilant observer, making me a natural diagnostician.  And my job now is to help vets navigate this complex system. I have to keep my hands off, and it's really hard. 

Slept so well last night, with 4 more days to go on the steroid taper.   Making progress on the organizational rethink. Watching the struggle for justice, since knowing soothes me more than not knowing. Enjoying the relatively cool spring, if you can see 90˚F at the highest as cool. It is, since there are clouds and occasional storms.