Fair

Altruism is seen as Good, and Selfishness as Bad. But they are two ends of the spectrum, and in the middle is Fair. Altruism also tends to hide errors, in thinking, in foresight, or hiding manipulation behind "Unconditional Love" or "Charity." Selfishness is the derogative to keep others from taking care of their own needs when they interfere with the needs of a manipulator- who is often very selfish. Fair is when both sides of an interaction get what they need, and a bit of what they want. Both walk away feeling a little good, maybe a little cheated, but all in all, probably fairly.

Altruism can go wrong, because it wraps itself in glory and condescension, without clearly looking at the whole picture. First World, wholesale charity, given to African countries in famine, have destroyed the economies. Because there was no trade, no demand for those poor people to work for the aid, the incentive to work has destroyed the livelihoods of native craftspeople. They get free T-shirts, why buy expensive hand woven, locally produced fabric? Why try to grow your own food, when you can get it free and sell it? And the wonderful generous countries get to feel cultural superiority, and without that nagging guilt.

Altruism on a personal level is another lesson in hidden costs. Parents who fly "unconditional love" over the heads of their children, are not always giving real love. Because our parents love does confer an obligation, to honor their religion, their way of life, to visit and attend family gatherings, to give them children, then access to those children. Of course, many good parents do allow a two way flow of giving that makes this all part of a good relationship, and the love really would continue no matter what. Better still that they do extract a fair trade- be your best self, and we will be the best parents we can be. This is fair. Altruism often is a trade with a hidden agenda - not fair.

And selfishness is not bad in itself. I learned it this way. First rule of water safety- make sure you are safe first, or there will be two stiffs in the water. Selfish to the point of taking care of one's own needs is simply sense. Like an adult putting on their own air mask before their child in the event of a loss of cabin pressure. If I am the capable person, I have to preserve myself as a valuable resource.

When selfish is bad is when it is completely for it's own ends, to take and not to give back. Even then, such an extreme position, baldly refusing fairness, leads to it's own destruction. Gross mistreatment of slaves, and later of lynchings, led to wider support of the Civil Rights Movement. I believe the murder of Matthew Shepard caused many folks to consider the injustice of a society that condones discrimination. We, as a species, and perhaps as a genus, do not like to be unfair. At least not grossly, obviously, unfair.

Love, real genuine growing giving love is always a fair trade. A two way flow of generosity and respect, two bottomless debts that overflow into each other. Love that only takes, or that only gives, is not love.

Love is not altruistic, but may look like it when it is given out of a well of deep gratitude. My Aunt Evelyn took care of Uncle Ernie for over a decade, every day, despite a brain injury that left him first changed, even abusive, then helpless and confused. He had brought her a rose every day of their lives together before, adored her, nursed her through miscarriages and pneumonia, treasured her, valued her. She never felt she had paid back enough. I did not understand this as a girl, having seen little of what he had been before.

Love is the smart kind of selfish, because both must know themselves worthy to take the gifts given. I accept that I am beautiful because D tells me so. D knows he is smart because I tell him so. Both of us must accept this view in order to respect the love and opinion of the person most beloved. Learning to take, or be given, is the lesson of love.

And the world? Needs to really learn what a fair trade is. Not cost and debt, but respect and far sighted plans. Not western democracy hidden agendas in trade for charity, but technology in exchange for.... solar power? Who knows, who has really tried to know? Who has thought both sides worthy to have a fair exchange?