I'm So Happy I Could Spit

At last! Thank God almighty, I'm free (of Qwest's slackers) at last. (Martin Luther king had it tough, but he never had to deal with a phone company, I bet.)

My thanks to all you lovely people who kept the faith while I was being consoled by scientists, who said what was happening to me was "too bad." I will be around to visit your place soonest. This picture is a token of my appreciation. I think it says "I love you."

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This comely lass boards the bus, which is jammed with patrons. She says to a gentleman, "Would you mind giving up your seat to a poor pregnant lady?" He says, "Oh, sure, I didn't notice. Ummm, how long have you been pregnant?" She: "About ten minutes."

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While I have been shut off from the Internet, I have not been able to make any progress towarding Making My Pile. As all one or two of you know, I need to make a lot of money over the next year to be able to afford my fancy funeral, which will feature several mob guys driving Cadillacs.

So I am jumping right back into Internet sales, with the must have gift for Christmas, 2006. Its name (write this down, now) is No-Booze Booze for Diabetics.

As all some a couple of you know, liquor is off-limits for diabetics. This makes Ol' Hoss sad, because he is not diabetic and can drink himself silly if he wants -- and he does. But Hoss believes diabetics ought to be able to have a tiddly, even if it's sort of make-believe.

Here's how we're gonna brighten their day. We will get us a big vat of Southern Comfort, and we will boil it till all the alcohol is gone. Then we will bottle up what is left, which is water that tastes like Southern Comfort. Since we won't have a lot of product left after boiling the alcohol off, we probably will have to charge something like $100 a fifth. But that's okay because diabetics don't spend a lot on chocolate so they've always got money to spare.

The only other problem I see is that this No-Booze Booze will taste like Southern Comfort, which, as a few all of you know is the most foul liquor ever built. I thought of boiling down some Jack Daniel's, but why waste the good stuff on a bunch of diabetics?

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My favorite word today is yankee. N., a baseball player that sucks. Def.: Synonymous with a "quickie," except men can do it alone.

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(This will have to do for my post for today -- Wednesday -- and tomorrow, because I need all of tomorrow to visit you, my pals. And, as an aside, I just want to say to my buddy, Bill Gates: It is okay to comment here now and then; you're among friends -- unless you got some Qwest stock.)