I Never Know What's What

There I was on hall patrol here in the home for Old and Older People when I passed by the open door of Mr. and Mrs. Sinkwich. Mr. Sinkwich is saying to his wife, “Whatever happened to our sexual relations?” And Mrs. Sinkwich said, “I don’t really know. I don’t even think we got a Christmas card from them this year.”

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I been thinking about Honore’ de Balzac. I guess everybody does every day or so. Balzac, as you know, wrote something called “The Human Comedy,” which wasn’t funny, but authors in the old days had a lot of poetic license. Like, you take “The House of Seven Gables.” There were actually just five of them, and only Clark ever amounted to anything.

Balzac died of what they called “dropsy.” If he had lived in our time he would have died of caffeinitis. His doctor was always on him about drinking too much coffee, which is what gave Starbuck’s the idea of not putting any coffee in their coffee. So we can thank Balzac for that.

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When I wrote about that easy test for college athletes the other day, somebody said that George W. believes we need to make the Citizenship Test harder. He said questions like these are too easy:

1. Name the original 13 states. (Okay, citizens, go ahead. I’ll wait right here.)
2. What is the name of the Governor of your state? (Ummm.... Loser? Arnold? One of ‘em is named Arnold. Windbag. And Kennedy. Isn’t there always a Kennedy getting elected to something? Embezzler? Has-been. Lots of those.)
3. What are the colors of the U.S. flag? (Well, let’s see: Michigan is blue and gold. Tennessee is orange and white. Texas is red and something. So: Plaid?)

Here’s my offer to make the test harder:

1. Where is the best place to cross the Rio Grande at night?
2. If you are a “boat person,” go to “Sign Here.”
3. Why is the United States thought of as a foreign country in Greece?
4. Of the two U.S. Senators serving your state, how many are there?
5. How many tickets to the Super Bowl do you expect to scalp?
6. How long do you have to pick grapes before you own the winery?
7. On a scale of 1 to 10, what is a Mad Cow?

You don’t need to thank me. A simple Medal of Freedom, like the one the FEMA guy got, will be sufficient.

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My favorite word today is Titanic. N., it was worth a try. Def.: A name Dunkin Donuts decided not to use to describe its new sinker.