Feelgood Haines, the chief historian/worry wart of our Home of the Last Gasp, sidles up to me and says, “Since us Democrats are responsible for that war over in Iraq, I guess it’s up to us to figure out the ‘Exit Strategy,’ don’t ya think?”
Hoss: “What you smoking, you nit? That war was caused by our Commander in Thief, George W., and his phony claim the Iraqis had weapons of mass destructability.”
Feelgood: “See, you swallowed that left-wing, pinko liberal press line, hook and sinker. What Dubya actual said was, ‘The Iroquois have got weapons of laugh destruction.’ And that rankled him mightily because everybody knows the Republicans are such fun-lovers. Why, just the other day Jeb was telling this story about a family down in Florida where Bubba Billy got in a terrible accident. The doc comes out of the emergency room and tells the family, ‘Well, he’s breathing, but his brain is dead.’ And his Momma says, ‘Oh, my, we ain’t ever had a Republican in the family before.’”
Hoss: “How does this make the Democrats responsible for the war in Iraq?”
Feelgood: “Well, it just figures, don’t it? The Democrats in Congress have no idea what they’re doing, and as far as they know, it really is their fault. But it’s apparently going to be left to us guys in the trenches to figure out the Exit Strategy.”
Hoss: “Which consists of what?”
Feelgood: "Our initial thought was that we would go around the country yelling "Olly, olly ox in free," like we did when we played 'Kick the Can.' We'd tell the bombers we won't kill them if they won't kill us. But I guess they already know that. I wonder if the Nobel Prize people are still proud of what he invented."
Hoss: "So that won't work. What else you got?"
Feelgood: “Well, we thought we might leave via Turkey, if we could get the Kurds out of the Whey. Hee hee. Get it? Kurds and Whey. I crack myself up.”
Hoss: “You sure you’re not a Republican?”
Feelgood: “So, anyway, here’s our current thinking. We’re going to move all our soldiers out, all at once, in the dead of night. And we’re taking all the Iraqi women with us. When the men wake up, they’ll have nobody to slap around and nobody to bomb. They won’t have much of anything: No beer, no Playboy, no football, no dancing, no music, no nude beaches, no barbecued pork, no ham, no hot-dogs, no burgers, no lobster, no Christmas. They will still have dish towels for hats. They’ll be beating their swords into dust pans, so badly will they miss their women. So we tell ‘em we’ll send the women back, one or two at a time, as long as they make nice like the Germans and the Japanese did.”
Hoss: “You think this will work?”
Feelgood: “Well, Hoss, think back: What’s the longest you ever went without a woman?”
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My favorite word today is
conundrum. Adj., a real poser. Def.: When unloading the dishwasher, a teaspoon drops on the floor and you have to decide whether to wash it again.
Just a note to let you know that I have been nominated in the Best of Bob Awards for 2005 in the category of "Most Humorous B**g." So I have to get rid of pictures like this, so when the voting starts I will have a chance.
