That's So Right...I Am Bummed Once More

This will have to hold you. I am sick again. One buttcrack will suffice, will it not?

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Well, I writ that by hand not so very long so go. More than one week, I declare. Now I am not so sick. What I was sick of we are not sure, but it probably had to do with a shift in medication.

as you know, I am on more than 30 pills per day, but some are duplicates. I am not looking for an equal dosage of pitymens -- just keepin' you in the know. (Oh help I'm dyin' holy shit save me Lord Jesus let the mighty pee flow or else I gonna keep my buttcracks to myself!) {That'll hold the munchkins.......raggedy ass little munchkins.}

If you get to read this, count yourself lucky -- and don't let me forget Rabbit Rabbit Day, again!!

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Now I am not so sick, but I am tired: very nice: Sick and tired.

Whoa Back!

I have been wonderin' how to get to here. Holy schluck muck.

It is not everybody who can do this.

I will keep trying. Hang in there, buds.......

Ol' Hoss

(Computer probs, and maybe brain probs.........)

Maybe There's a Rabbit Hereabouts

Lookum!! I findum Br'er Rabbit,

finally at last!! Hoo boy, has this been a struggle buddy.

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If you see, or hear, or taste a rabbit today, you will have good luck all month long. So far I have not done any of those, so you know I am shit out of luck rabbit for not having good luck this month.

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Question: Who invented fractions?

Answer: Henry the l/8.

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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to:

"DAD"

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

"Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tatoos, motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion....Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

"We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

"We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstacy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry, Dad.

"I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

"Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

"Love,

"Your son, John.

"P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my desk's center drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home."

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Subject: The latest from Sven and Olaf --

Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota factory -- and both were laid off. So they went to the Unemployment Office together. Asked his occupation, Olaf said, "Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300 per week in unemployment compensation.

Sven, when asked his occupation, replied "Diesel fitter." The clerk looked up the occupation and found it listed as a skilled job. So the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"Vat skill!!? yelled Olaf. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Sven pulls them over his head and says, "'Diesel fitter!!'"

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My favorite phrase today is the cellphone company. N., you remember Good Ol' Ma Bell? Def.: The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.

Where Have I Been? And You, Too

Holy, Moley....I been steppin' in dung over here. I think I got things all fixed, but who knows? I got this new computer, and it doesn't like me much. Howsomever, I am going to give it a day or two and let's see.......

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Last I left off, I was trying to arrange a photo for this page. So let's see how that went......No dice. So......

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said. "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, no. You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! NOW. We need more butter! Oh my God, where are we going to get more butter? They're going to STICK!! Careful, careful, CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking."

"Now salt them. Hurry up! Are you crazy! Have you LOST your mind? You need to salt them! Use the salt, use more salt!

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to cook a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it's like when I'm driving."

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Question: I am a manicurist in New York. Where do I live?

Answer: Finger Lakes.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain, alone.

Grandpa: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few minutes we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?

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My favorite word today is sanity. N., keep hoping. Def.: Statistics say that one of four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, it's you.

Yes, There Really Was a "W"

But before war with Iraq, tax cuts for the rich, pardons for the rich, and rich foods for the rich, a fella named "W" actually passed this way through the White House. So let's have one last laugh at W's expense with some of our favorite
Bushisms:

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"I know how hard it is to put food on your family."

"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."

"I own a timber company? That's news to me. Need some wood?"

"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." (Parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock?)

"Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech." (To Pope Benedict.)

"It seems like to me they based some of their decisions on the word of -- and the allegations -- by people who were held in detention, people who hate America, people that had been trained in some instances to disassemble -- that means not tell the truth."

"I was proud the other day when Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce your support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will. Speaking about Saddam Hussein, 2002.

"I was looking for a book to read. Laura said you ought to try Camus. I also read three Shakespeares.

"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein.

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."

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My favorite word today is facts. N., don't let any get in the way. Def.: To ignore them is not to change them.

Whereinell Did My Bunny Go?

Three men were sitting together talking about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their home. He said he had to repeat this for a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He related that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the house cleaning, dishes and cooking. He told the others that he didn't see any results in the first day but after the first day things were better. By the third the house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner.The third lad had married a Scottish Girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.He said the first day he couldn't see anything, and didn't see anything the second day, either. By the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough, anyway, to fix himself a bite of toast, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

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My favorite word today is mouth. N., as in pie-hole. Open this when it comes time to change feet.

Nurses Don't Laugh

So, once upon a time (again) there was this fella who had free candy.....in a park....where the children played....and he had a van....aw, hell, you know the rest.  They got wedded and lived happily ever after.  Pshaw....

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Nurses aren't supposed to laugh, she told him.

He had come in with a penis problem, and she told him that in 20 years as a professional nurse she had never laughed at a patient.

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.  Length and width it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell into a paroxysm.  Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the nurse.  "I don't know what came over me.  On my honor as a nurse, I promise it won't happen again.  Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem."

Fred replied, "It's swollen."

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The top 16 police comments taken off police car videos around the country:

1.  You know, top lights don't come any reddere than the one you just went through.

2.  Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch after you wear them awhile.

3.  If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

4.  If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.

5.  Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.

6.  You don't know how fast you were going?  I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?

7.  Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.  Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?

8.  Warning!  You want a warning?  OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you  another ticket.

10. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or sober.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

11. Fair?  You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.

12. Yeah,we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.

13. In God we trust.  All others we run through Interpol.

14. How big were those "two beers" you say you had?

15. No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.

16. I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours.  So you know someone who can post your bail.

And just for extries:  "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right.  We don't.  Sign here."

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My favorite word today is dullard.   N., he brings a lot of joy when he leaves the room.  Def.:  A guy who has a photographic memory with the lens cap glued on.

For This I'll Pay

CHAPTER 1


Once upon a time a guy asked a girl: "Will you marry me?"


The girl said, "No!"


So the guy lived happily ever after and rode motor cycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

Maybe I should 'splain what happened to my last blog. I got some keys stuck is what happened and my computer nerd needed a day to get over here to fix it up. So that's why it also was short.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one day he stops to entertain in one of the many bars in West Virginia. He's going through his normal run of stupid jokes when a large fellow in about the fourth row stands on his chair and says, "I 've heard just about enough of your denigrating jokes."

He continues to berate the joker. "What makes you think you can stereotype us that way. I'ts guys like you who keep people like me from being respected at work and in the community, or of reaching their full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against us, all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the harrasser pipes up, "You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee."

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Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day came and the farmer arrived without the horse. He said, "Sorry, Son, but I have some bad news. The horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Well, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya goin' to do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse."
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I told 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
"Didn't anyone complain?" the farmer said.
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. I gave him his money back."
Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He's currently figuring out how to give us our money back.

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My favorite words today are toilet paper. N., no, stronger than that. D.: The closer it gets to the end the faster it goes.

When You and I Were Dung, Maggie

(Shown below is what is purported to be an actual  letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year-old woman.   The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the NY  Times.)

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing  my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber  last month.  By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheek and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for eight years.   You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.  My thoughtfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me  to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, pre-recorded, over-charging faceless entity which your bank has become.  From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.  My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and  confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that  it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.   Please find an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee complete.  I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.  Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.  In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN which he/she must quote in dealings with me

I  regret that this number cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.  As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1.  To make an appointment to see me.
2   To query a missing payment
3.  To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.  To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5.  To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 . To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.  To leave a message, a password is required.  Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
8.  To return to the  main menu and to listen  to options 1 through 7 may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
9.    Press ~ for English.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.  May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

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My favorite word today is old.  N., Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.  (Shown below is what is purported to be an actual  letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year-old woman.   The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the NY  Times.)

Dear Sir:

I'll Be Comin'Round de Lan0tern

Lowell has don5 *nd wen* h2ve compumk5 plo......

I be back #ompu

Surely

Where Civilization Might End

This woman was invited out the other night for some "fun with the girls. "

She told her husband she would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down really smooth. About 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, she headed for home.

Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably he'd probably wake up, she cuckooed another nine times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning her husband asked her what time I got in and she told him "about 12 o'clock" and he didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When she asked him why, he said, "Well last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled twice more and then tripped over the cat and farted."

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A priest (the head honcho who was often in demand at political events) was being honored after 25 years in the parish. However, he was delayed so his second-in-command, decided to say a few words while everyone waited.

"I got a bad impression from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me had stolen a television and, when questioned by police, was able to lie his way out of it. He went on to say he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.  I was appalled.

"But, he continued, "as the days went by I learned that all people were not like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."  Just as the father finished his talk, the politician arrived and apologized for being late. He then immediately began his presentation.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician-priest.  "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

(Moral :  Never.  Never.  Never be late.)

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 My favorite word today is religion.  N., you hear of it here.  Often.  Def.:  What cannibals sometimes get a taste of from missionaries.

Some Things Is Prettier Than Forever

This picture, above, was taken recently on the Idaho-Washington border.  It's pretty pretty.  The picture below, also taken on the Ida-Wash. border is termed "the rarest of all naturally occurring atmospheric phenomena."  It was visible for about an hour, says my buddy, Richard.

He adds, "Clouds have to be cirrus, at least 20 kilometers in the air, with just the right amount of ice crystals, and the sun has to hit the clouds at precisely 58 degrees."  Gee, I didn't know the sun knew about angles.

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Hey, look, Vicki hasn't gone away yet:

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Governor's Mansion in Springfield, Ill.  One is from Chicago, another from Tennessee and a third from Kentucky.  They all go with Governor Blagojevich to examine the fence.

The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figuring with a pencil.  "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900:  $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring and then says, "I can do this job for $700:  $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure.  He just leans over to Blagojevich and whispers $2,700.  Blagojevich, incredulous, whispers back, "You didn't even measure and figure like the other guys.  How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers again, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."

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A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.  He walked over to a tree and propped up the gun.  Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.  Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir," the doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is that you are going to be okay.  There was little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.  The bad news is there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis.  I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well, that's not too bad," the man replied.  "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor.  "He's a flute player in the local symphony.  He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

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My favorite word today is change.  N., what comes after a dirty diaper.    Def.:  Something you get from Obama but not from a vending machine.

Maybe I Told You This.....

Once upon a time (1970's) I was a speechwriter for the late Gov. Tom McCall. This does not seem to impress people. Why not? Well, for example, they ask if I wrote this: "Come visit us again and again. This IS a cool, green vacationland. But don't come here to live...."

Isn't that neat? Here is a state governor dis-inviting people to live here. He took a lot of heat from the home folks, but out-of-state people praised him mightily for telling it like it is: Go home and fix up your own pesthole; don't bring it here.

"Did you write that?" I am asked. "No," I say shamefacedly.

So what else did you do?, they ask. Kill babies? Torture rats? I try to go for the laugh scene, and I told them I wrote this: "Once Tom was asked what he thought of the idea of using cow manure to make methane gas, which we then could use to power our cars," I (Tom) wrote. "Great!" I (Tom) agreed. "I'd love to be able to go into the service station and say, 'Shovel 'er up!"

Snicker, chortle, wheeze.....So this guy asks if I wrote the lines about the industry down south (not far enough south -- it was only 23 miles south of the Capitol) that was a well-known air polluter. "That (paper) plant is outrageous. It's a stinking cancer on the broad green bosom of the Willamette Valley." Well, just guess: Did Tom write that, or did I? (You didn't have to guess, did you?)

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When I wasn't writing speeches for the Governor I dreamed about a squirrel obstacle course, which you can now see in person, right here.

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Okay, what's the speed of dark?

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My favorite word today is bored. N., but not like a post-hole. Def.: If you see two people talking and one looks like this, he's the other one.

Nobody Knows the Trouble.....

First thing you know, they will be after those things that make horse apples. I just hate it when things go wrong.

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There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (for this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving.....

...that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

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The following is said to have been done by first-graders. Maybe so, maybe not, but it's still pretty funny. The teacher gave them the first half of a proverb, and the students were asked to fill in the rest.....

Don't change horses.....until they stop running.
Strike while the.....bug is close.
It's always darkest before.....Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of.....termites.
You can lead a horse to water, but.....how?
Don't bite the hand that.....looks dirty.
No news is.....impossible.
A miss is good as a.....Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.....math.
Love all, trust.....Me.
The pen is mightier than the.....pigs.
An idle man is.....the best way to relax.
Where ther's smoke there's.....pollution.
Happy the bride who.....gets all the presents.
A penny saved is.....not much.
Two's company, three's.....The Musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry.....you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as.....Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you.....see in the picture on the box.
When the blind lead the blind.....get out of the way.
A bird in the hand.....is going to poop on you.
Better late than.....pregnant.

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A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom but she use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes ougt to darts," she said. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

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My favorite phrase today is fountain of knowledge. N., I wondered where that sucker was. Def.: Where some people drink, but the nerds only gargle.

It Can't Be Done, Rilly

Wouldn't it be wonderful if somebody actually made a mobile phone that didn't have all those bells and whistles? And didn't have on it the words that say "Your call is very important to us?" Bitch....

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This can't be real unless you believe in cellphone reality. Or, maybe, if you believe in justice:

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A young boy went to his father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment and then answered: "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could freally use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university."

The boy went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat! Are you nuts?"

Then the boy went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. The father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes I did. Potentially you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But, realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."

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My favorite word today is idiot. N., just when I needed some. Def.: An employee somewhere is depriving his village of one of these.