It was all coming together, piece by piece. The multiple sighs, the heavy hearts, the pools of tears…

 

An epiphany; it was me. As I let the emotions bubbled up inside of me and worked their way from my stomach, to my chest, to my throat, and out my eyes, I realized that it was me I cried for. It was me that I've failed. It was anger, it was shame, it was guilt- all me.

 

And the little pieces joined to form a partial picture of it all. Then I saw Hope and she had always been my secret lover. I smiled at her as she cradled my face, wiping the tears that brimmed my eyes.

 

Here she is again to entice me back.   

~Joanna

Whatever happened, happened for a reason. Granted we may not know all the reasons there is. Perhaps we were being selective with that we want to hear; like the autistic boy whom I teach that would respond to a colleague next to me when she says, "Goodbye!" but pretends not to hear when I say, "Come here for a while." (this is in order to avoid doing any other work that may come from me). Or perhaps we just could not find the reason because it was never given. Or perhaps it was given, but it weaved its way through the many communication systems and got stuck at a bend. Or perhaps Loss is just being a pain and decides to snatch a very loved candy from a child. We cannot really be sure, can we?
Loss came, Loss is, and Loss is imminent. As the timeline of life continues to crawl on, along the way Loss will come and claim some part of your life. Some part of time, some part of your memories and sometimes, the people you treasure. Loss is showing you what life really is. Sometimes the blissful parts of your timeline stays, sometimes, it just cracks and crumbles away. Gaps in a timeline is not a really nice timeline at all, I think. 
What can we do about Loss? We could poke it in the eye and scream obscenities. Or we could learn some helplessness and allow Loss to keep rolling itself unto our memories. Or... maybe we could turn around and talk to Loss, get to know Loss and then smile at Loss because you've found its weakness(es). 
And smiling is just what the doctor ordered. 
But always, always with an open heart. In case Loss ever, by some law of a blue moon, decides to return what it has taken.  ~Joanna

I may not have all the answers with me. I may not be 100% okay. In fact, who is ever 100% okay?  I do, however, have the motivation to look forward. The courage to face what comes next. The confidence that I made the right choices even if they seem wrong at some moment. I am discovering, I am taking risks, I am happy. There are no regrets here. Definitely no regrets.  I can smile and close my eyes in perfect peace.  ~Joanna

On March 31st this year, I promised myself that I would return smiles to my face. After a long, hard, struggle, the genuine smile is back. I did not do it alone, of course. There were friends and concerned acquaintances. However, at the core, real peace is found only by one- me. 
There were heartbreaks along the way, but I had gone through a period of self-discovery. I've finally found my peace. With that, no matter I am with someone or without someone, I'm happy just being.
~Joanna

When dealing with mess, I tend to look toward the person who can deal it all away. 
Now that I am trying to learn how to be independent and now that the mess that I have is fully under my responsibility, I need to learn how to deal with it. 
Take a broom, sweep it away. Take a mop, mop it clean. Man, this mess is so annoying.
But as always, we learn from our mistakes. I am appreciative of this lesson. Just hope it does not cost much. ~Joanna

When starting to realise the fact that there is that thought every day, no matter how small.... Annoying.
Where is the delete button in real life?
~Joanna

Sometimes, there are no words to what I want to say. There are just feelings; one big lump sum of feelings that are interwoven with millions, perhaps zillions of words. Still, with all the words, nothing can describe what goes on in those feelings in a split second.
In one second, there are an equivalent of a bucket of words, overflowing, to be able to truly communicate what I think and feel. But there's a core. The core is that I wish be able to tell or say... all those things to you. People always wonder why don't the situation change for the better. Why am I like this... then they say they understand. What do they understand?
What I have, it is infinite. Bottomless. However, I hide it just like hiding a trap on the ground. On the surface it looks fine, but uncover it and you will know the depth. That bottomless, infinite thing- I left it there. I walked away. Sometimes, I walked back to it to check if the surface has been disturbed. Sometimes I uncover it and peek into it. 
But it is still there. Just that you won't be able to find it.
~Joanna

It has been a filled up weekend, which I have never really expected. It was good.
I should list down the things that I have learned in these two days. Make sure to never forget it for a little bit of wisdom and knowledge will not hurt.
Saturday

1. Going out a lot and having tons of activities throughout the week... will take a toll on me. By the end of the week, I ended up to be the best zombie ever and perhaps even a little autistic. I did not want to do anything, talk to anyone, and going out makes me impatient. Listening to people's stories makes me impatient and want to go off soon. Next time, a good sleep, good rest, and some time alone is what I need to have after a long, crazy week. 
2. I can drive around and find a place without relying on GPS. Hopefully, this will encourage development of my spatial skills and my sense of direction.
3. Never, ever sleep with a full stomach. When I woke, I looked like 5 months pregnant.
4. Doesn't hurt to learn a little bit of femininity and hairstyles does make quite a bit of difference. Self-esteem is boosted, which leads to boosted moods, which leads to a smiling face.
5. To understand that sometimes, another person's extreme behaviours, may be cause of stress. Yeah, it could be wrong, disgusting, out of the ordinary, but in the end the environment and crowd is the only thing the person could turn to when he or she has nothing or no one else. If only I can help take it away...
6. Enjoying simple things like window shopping and experimenting with sights, sounds and smell is a really nice mood booster too. It's a plus when someone else is there to enjoy it with you.
7. When you really feel too tired to socialize, it's just time to go. Make the initiative to say, "Guys, I gotta go. Sorry." Who cares about their long faces? Your health is more important.

Sunday

1. You cannot let other (rude) people spoil your morning, especially when you are in church. I did feel a little pissed off, but the good thing was to walk away instead of fighting.
2. With certain people, the larger the crowd, the better the outing experience. Accepting other people to just slip into your plans is sometimes a blessing and an added fun. 
3. Good breakfast is a good mood booster. 
4. Laughter still remains the best medicine.
5. When you're upset, do not show it. Pretend to be happy. Eventually, you will be happy. It's no use bringing other people's moods down, especially with large crowd (But allow certain very, very tiny outlets for satisfaction).
6. You have no control over another person's life no matter how much you do not want it to deteriorate or spoil. Best you can do is just to be there when they need it. Offer a calm, quiet support. Sometimes in these situations, it's all you can afford to give.
7. The potential to do a last minute good looking hairstyle is awesome. Creativity is the asset.
8. The importance of taking loan and avoiding high taxes.
9. The benefits of taking risks, but with logical thinking (for me, this part may need some work)
10. Gambling is for entertainment purposes. Mindset needs to be set to- there's a budget, and do not expect returns. Be prepared to lose all. It's mainly about luck and not being stupid. 
11. Money is purely a tool. You gain it, you lose it and you gain it back. It is so much easier to control it when it's viewed as a game. Also, being generous with it makes this view even more possible. Never be afraid of having no money. There will always be a way.
12. Benefits of buying things (e.g. cars) under company name.
13. Being rich means inviting other parties to watch you. If you want a luxurious life (e.g expensive property, awesome cars), be prepared to be targeted by the government, the bank, the thieves. Or, be rich, live life as a normal, middle classed citizen and spend money elsewhere (e.g. travelling, education, food). Mmm... the latter sounds good. 
14. Learning Cantonese: just continue asking, "What does _________ mean?". Doesn't matter if you eventually annoy the heck out of people.

~Joanna

Sometimes I feel like I'm pushing myself lately. 
I pushed some thoughts out of my head. I pushed my feelings aside. I went for an "interview" I didn't really want to go to today and I pushed the uneasiness away.
The "interview" felt so weird. The moment it started, a camera pointed at me and I could only give an awkward smile. If I get this, I'd be advocating something I so hate. Why do it? "Think about the money...". I guess the one main thing that kept me hanging on to this side job. Seems as if nowadays I'm doing things that are opposite of what I really want inside. I dreamt a big dream and I have to push myself toward completing it. It's hard. It really is when one by one, the people close to you, being companions in this race, leaves your side and pursue their own happiness. 
Am I pursuing my own happiness? I don't really know. I know I'm arranging and controlling whatever happens now for my imagined future happiness, but will I really be happy about what I did or do... that's another question. 
All I know for now is, to survive, all I got to do is just push. ~Joanna

Lesson learnt very early on before this conclusion is even written down. When you think you are helping someone, someone would not appreciate it because of the way you do things. When you think honesty is the best policy, even to someone close, they'd think you're just being mean and not understanding. No matter how hard you try to be not only a shoulder to cry on, but also someone to help nudge them in the right direction, even the closest, would not appreciate it.

People cannot predict you or your intentions. People are driven by their own logics and their own emotions. People are still human, even the closest ones. However, in my own mind and my own way, relationships are the most important bonds that would help overcome most conflicts. They would stop, think and consider that maybe some good intentions are there, or the acceptance that not everyone's mind is the same. Perhaps it's naivety, stupidity or perhaps just rarity of a thought like this. Therefore, I learnt very early on, that to some, relationships may not matter as much as their ambition, love or pride. 
And therefore, I am alone. When thought clearly about it, I have been mostly alone all along. Just fooled by the hope of a pure, naive thought.
There was a time when the heart had almost shut completely to this experience, knowing the truth. But as always, it would open up again, just like allowing blood to flow in and out. It is just that it did not open up completely. Skeptical and always aware, traits that refrain it from doing what it thinks is right. 
With some soul searching, it could be that there were certain things that I could have done better. I could have been wrong. Another lesson also learnt. Sometimes to the closest, support is all that is needed. Silence could be the most useful tool. Maybe the one that is blind is you, and you just need to stand by appreciating the person with sight. Who knows if good success could be attributed to your given support? Or perhaps, the other would need to go through an experience to understand what would your opinions be about.
Whatever it is, a pure, trusting relationship had been tainted long ago along this travelling road. After that, only comes a wind that sweeps away the faint debris of a companion. Then you are left walking through the woods (to be taken as something interesting and adventurous) , wondering if any other wind would come to sweep you away too. 
~Joanna

"Yes I know, I can be wrong
Maybe you're too headstrong"


"I need to love..." ~Joanna

Life. No matter how much we try to control it, steer it and veer it, you just cannot. 
Ideally, we would want life to be in a linear fashion. This should happen, and next this one, and the next that one... But sometimes life just goes round in circles. And the moment you thought you are getting somewhere, you find out you are back at square one. 
Build it, nurture it, tame it, Life is the Richard Parker of Life of Pi. Bearable, able to exist with, but unpredictable, untamed. You can never fully control it, bend it to your will. Not 100%. 
~Joanna

When I set my pen on paper, or my fingers to the computer keyboard, I feel free. Free to express, free to create. It is my world, a world where I can control as much as I like, run free as much as I like.
But I'm not like that in real life. My courage, my thousand and one words comes only when I have a medium, and that medium is writing. Then again, what happens when there's a limit to how much you can express? When you know that you cannot reveal everything, yet wanting the reader to know something. When feelings  and ideas run too complicated and deep that you can barely grasp at the words that come by.
Writing is limited, but the Mind, limitless. So many things in just 5 seconds can happen in the mind, but with 5 seconds, I can only manage to type one sentence. I love writing, but I wish, there was something that can bring out a thought in an instant. 
Telepathy? Hmm....
~Joanna

Constrained, the Self pulls itself back from where the Heart wants to be. Information from the Brain has told the Mind to lock up the Heart before damage could be done. It was locked, pacing and anticipating its release. 
Day by day, its hope slowly diminish and its gait becomes of a low pace. Soon, out of luck, an urgent matter. Either it was a real necessity or the Heart had managed to manipulate its way out, the place the Heart wants to be soon became tangible. And how perfectly tangible it was.
It felt as if, after a long, long while, thirst was quenched by the refreshing waters from the mountains. The Heart had been released and away, away, with great speed, it goes to where it wants to be. How warm, how contented it was. A moment of bliss, of joy- a rarity to gain, the hardest to maintain. How it loves the place that it wants to be. A simple joy turned great.
If only, if only... the Heart could stay where it wanted to be. But the visit was short, the joy, brief. Soon, the Heart was pulled back again, to be put in the cells that once again, hold it captive.  ~Joanna

I should have already known it.

It's just trouble waiting to happen. How could I just have let it happen? Not like you would look at it again.

Inside a person there is a Mind to help the body move and make decisions. The Mind has two assistants reporting to it. First, there is the Brain; to rationalize and make sure that the decisions are the right, logical ones. Second, there is the Heart so that whatever hard, logical thinking and conclusion the brain makes, it is balanced out with the factor that some decisions just need moral grounds, a little compassion and empathy. 
A battlefield exists when the Mind's assistants clash against one another. The Brain holds one stance, and the Heart holds another. Sometimes the Mind knows which side is better. Based on the situation, the Mind will favour either the Heart over the Brain, or the Brain over the Heart. It is a simple conclusion. 
However, when both the Brain and the Heart fight to have their opinions accepted by the Mind, the Mind gets confused. On one hand, Brain has been logical and has listed down the pros in listening to it. On the other hand, the Heart screams that the logics does not matter than there are other things more important than just tangible pros and cons from the Brain. 
When the Mind chooses the Heart, the Brain very quickly points out several destructive flaws. When the Mind switches to support the Brain, the Heart very aggressively fights back and prove, with bravery and persistence, the Mind is not ready to handle what the Brain has to offer. And so the battle continues with the Brain and the Heart.
In this battlefield, it seems to me, the Heart may win. 
~Joanna

Things I should do more in the coming new year:

1. Be not afraid of wearing more bright coloured clothings. Polka dots, sequins and colours that are almost neon are a must!
2. Knowledge, knowledge, knowledge in both spiritual and the world. I shall not have a stunted mental growth.
3. Action, action, action. Knowledge is useless if it lies there in the brain without anything done with it.
4. Aim for a money worthy car. Remind self that owning a high end car is not really the priority right now. There are other things to do with that extra cash.
5. Organizing and planning skills. Being less indecisive and careless would help save a lot of time.
6. Save the heart for someone who really matter, but it doesn't mean pushing people away. 
7. Trusting my intuition on people instead of other people's perspective. Most of the time people tell me this and that about the other person when my intuition tells me otherwise. In most cases, my intuition turns out right. Learning to trust my own judgement is definitely something that needs work. 
8. Health and Sleep. I have neglected you in 2012, I will try my best to treat you better in 2013. 
9. Do something about my boring hair.
10. Finish what I started years ago. Ideas and writing shall not go to waste.

~Joanna

It's like trying to piece together puzzle pieces that don't fit.

Can't help but feel there's something more than your carefully constructed speech. Was it just my imagination? Intuition gone wrong?

But it's not my place to go digging. And the main question is, do I really want to know?

Then again, it could be an overactive mind, over analysed... a fleeting imagination.

On an unrelated note: Reminds me of Willy Wonka.

Edit: Suddenly, it doesn't matter anymore. I may be wrong, I may be right, but as long the friendship is unaffected, it's fine.

List of things I learnt this Christmas:

1. As always, the best way to welcome in Christmas (or any other special day), is with laughs.
2. Getting to know new people, their opinions and the way they take life is a good part of learning about life. Whether they are extremely quiet, noisy or in between, they each have something to teach you, big or small.
3. No matter how much you are hurting with your own misfortunes, there are other people whom are experiencing worse. In comparison, your misfortunes will look like petty complaints. 
4. Seeing someone, who is depressed and stressed out on a supposedly beautiful day is sad. Seeing them light up with laughter and joy when they are with you or around you is a really blessed thing to feel and experience.
5. Drowning in all your sorrows will only make you come to depreciate Christmas now and in the coming future. It is a beautiful, meaningful day and we should preserve it.
6. Being drunk on Christmas time does not equate to a Christmas time well spent. 
7. Spending time with people that matter and spreading love and cheer does.
8. I want a baby grand piano in my house too.
9. Once you feel lonely, take a good look around and see that there are people who sincerely care for you. The only thing you should be feeling is gratitude.
10. Although there was no family to spend Christmas time with, friends became family and you can find a similar kind of happiness there. 

~Joanna

Whenever there is an ending, there is a new beginning. Stories of happily ever after, there will be stories of what comes next. Stories of heartaches and lost, will only await new stories to be filled up. The ending is not truly an ending, but an ending to a chapter of life. 
One must not look too deeply into sadness because it is easy to become lost in the swirling maze. They say Time is the best healer, so Time, come hold my hand. Those faces that are pulled to a frown, will not stay that way forever. There will always be change. Mother Nature is always changing and human emotions are always changing. We can only flow along, allowing oneself to be swept away with the river stream. 
Yes, there are things we love and lost. Perhaps what is lost will open way for something better, or perhaps what is lost is just lost because there is none like it. Yet, the truth remains that it is lost. Truth that is bound to be out of your control. But why control?
Humans are so easily satisfied with the familiarity and the routine of life. When Life gives a jolt, the natural response is fear of what will happen and what can happen. Yet, humans get bored by what they do and how they live. Clashing conflict. When Life gives you a jolt, jolt up and move. Walk or run, it makes no difference as long as you do not take the steps backward and repeat the cycle. If it could be fixed, fix it. If not, leave it. 
Yes, and another journey to travel. Just like how one would look forward to be better at work through training, one must look forward to be better at life through its training. Do not forget, God's blessings and plans are always there. 
So the heart is soothed by the quiet comfort of it. ~Joanna