what's done is done

A few weeks ago I was feeling a bit sad.

A lot was going on in my social-circle back in Utah, and I was disappointed I wasn't there for it all. Memories came flooding back to me and I was all nostalgic and reminiscent and dramatic and a pathetic mess.

Then, as if  God was speaking to me through PostSecret, I saw this:

And I remembered-- I was freaking depressed back then. I hated my life. I was on medication. I cried all the time. What on earth do I think was so great about that time in my life?!

handsome, kind, and fully educated

He did it!!! I'm so proud of him.

Since Jordan wouldn't be able to walk at graduation, or even have a party with friends and family (yes-- we are total loners here), I planned a surprise graduation "ceremony" for just the two of us. Cheesy? Maybe a bit. But celebrate we must; it's been long 5 years getting here.

I ordered a couple t-shirts about a month ago, along with a cap and custom tassel. He was ordered to put on his attire, and listen for his cue. I gave a personalized speech, presented him with his diploma, and he threw his cap into the air ceiling. It really was so much fun celebrating his amazing accomplishment. Love you, my college grad. You are so smart-- now you have the paper to prove it!

this picture cracks me up . . . he looks all emotional

leaning into the discomfort

We are down to the final weeks before we pick up our lives and move away from everything we know; I can't stand how excited I am! I feel overwhelmed with gratitude, and fear, to be making this change in my life. 

There are certain dreams I've had that I put in the "fantasy" category, as opposed to making them goals. Getting admitted to my dream school was definitely a fantasy I didn't expect to come true. Since it did, I feel there's almost no alternative to going, no matter the costs. 

One of my biggest challenges in growing up has been embracing change. I'm a "baptism by fire" kinda gal, so I figure there's almost no better way to deal with my fear of change than this. I hope all proves worthwhile. I have a feeling it will . . . 

an announcement

via

thanks, Steve

Just trying to keep this in mind lately.

I am good.

I am worthy.

I am enough.



welcome

My name is Morgan and I'm a doormat.

That's what everyone at work tells me.

You see, working at an agency that deals with this population of people, and that is organized. . . in the way that it is . . . has really highlighted my personality traits.

There have been several circumstances lately with my superiors as well as clients that have my coworkers whispering in the halls "She is too nice. She needs to be more assertive. She will never make it around here if she doesn't become more calloused. BlahbibityblahblahBLAH."

People tell me my perspective on life will change over the years. And I certainly believe it will. But I hope not in the way that they're implying. 

I do not believe compassion and kindness equals stupidity. I don't believe finding the goodness in people and situations makes one inexperienced or naive. I believe choosing to find light in the darkest of places is the very definition of strength. 

The cynicism of those around me has only made me more bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I've been the recipient of plenty of hateful and cruel behaviors, intended to make me feel less. I know how it feels, and I never want to do the same to others. I learned early in life that everyone you come across is fighting a silent battle. 

So wipe those shoes all over me.

Annnnd here are some pictures of my office because no one reads posts without pictures. It's a proven fact. And everyone wants to see where I spend my life, Monday through Friday, 8-5. I'm just sure of it.

Pretty classy joint, eh? 

13 is my lucky number

Last year I made some resolutions. It's time to report my results, and look forward to the new year.

1. You better bet your bottom I am now a college graduate! Graduation was May 5 (which I didn't attend), and I landed my first "big girl job" May 14. 
2. Refer to above; working for DCFS has certainly taught me a lot. I mean, a ton. Not only about my field, but myself. 
3. We are now residents of the SL,UT once again. I have to laugh a bit at these first few goals, because at the time I was so freaking excited for all the changes 2012 would bring me. Now, with so many responsibilities on my plate, I so miss my life a year ago. Full of fun, socializing, sleeping, little Logan . . . an overall much simpler life. When will I ever learn to enjoy the "now"?! 
4. Jordan and I definitely have more expenses at this point in our life, but I do feel a bit more financially stable. We've been able to build our credit, make big purchases, and pay down some debts. I've been really committed to saving a percentage of every pay check, and my new addiction is watching our savings account grow.
5. One of my favorite memories with Jordan to date was our California trip during spring break. Jordan was scared out of his little mind to take the Infiniti on a road trip, but we talk about how much fun we had during that trip at least once a month. Now that we have a new car, Jordan is especially insistent that we go on more road trips. And I'm not arguing!
6. I did read more, but still not as much as I would have liked. My to-read list is growing too, so I think this is a goal I'll carry on through 2013.
7 & 8. I've really worked on all my relationships; with that said, this is a goal that I don't feel has an end to. I want to always do and be better to those around me. The thing I am hardest on myself about is the way I treat others. I want to be kinder, I want to be softer. I want to be less judgmental, more giving. 
9. Gee whillikers, this is another one without a measurable outcome. Sometimes I feel pretty awesome about myself, and other days, I feel so little. I keep going though, and I think that's worth something . . . 
10. I hope those in my life never doubt my love for them. I am so lucky, and so grateful.

As far as 2013 goes, I'm simplifying my list. 

- Do something big that scares me. Something that doesn't feel like "Morgan."
- Finish 3 whole books. I know it sounds pathetic, but I have about 107 partially read books. I need to finish something!
- Get off soda. As was noted last March somewhere along the way in my relationship with Jordan, I picked up the ridiculous soda habit. I gotta kick it.
- Cook more, and be more inventive/adventurous in my cooking.

I really am giddy about this year. It definitely feels like 2013 will prove to be lucky.

my brain is like a rubber-band ball

You know, the one stuck in the junk drawer that year after year gets bigger and bigger, eventually becoming so hectic and entwined together that it no longer has a purpose, and you have no intentions for it-- but there it is. Even when you finally get around to cleaning out the junk drawer and you come across the ball, you just leave it there, committing to find some use for all those elastic pieces one day. In all reality, you know you won't find the time or energy to detangle all of the bands, and the ball will just continue to grow to a more complicated and confusing mess . . .

I rarely feel like there are actual words for the brilliant and complex thoughts I have; I usually have a hard enough time articulating the simple ones, for that matter. Everything makes sense in my mind, but it is all a little too abstract for me to verbalize. It is a struggle I am burdened with daily, in every relationship.

How do I describe the way I feel about Jordan? It's not love. Love is used way too often and too loosely. I more than love him. I _________ him. How do I express my views on God, religion, divine purpose, morality, the after life? The task seems impossible when it is so deep and confusing and based on the searching of my soul, rather than scripture and doctrine. Not only that, but it is ever evolving; changing as I grow, learn, see, and experience.

My inability to get my point across in a way that does it justice is so stressful. I lose sleep over the things I should have said, the things I did say that somehow came out differently than I meant them to.

This post has only added to the anxiety I feel as I try to tell, and therefore live my truth. I still do not know how to say what I mean. Not only can I not find the words, I often can not find the strength to say what is on my mind without fearing rejection, judgment, shame, vulnerability.

I want to use my little part in this cyber-world to say what I believe, so that living those beliefs can be seen in the real world. 

I want to be true to me.

I have gotta start talking about the things that move me. No more disclaimers on my thoughts, my beliefs, my truth. Because just as I know to love and respect others and their opinions, I need to learn to give that to myself.

I have lots of things I've wanted to write about, simply because I want to try unteasing that tangled mess of brain where thoughts are racing and competing and dying for recognition. I think it is finally time to speak out. I realize now that recognition is different than validation. I do not need people to agree with me, or even to see where I am coming from. I just need to acknowledge, for myself, that those thoughts are acceptable and important.


Cheers to honesty and inner-peace.

Dear Me

Guys. Remember this post? And then remember how awesome this advice is? (P.S. She has a book with the same title . . . go get it!) Well, turns out I was a bit ahead of the game with all the nostalgic advice to your younger self stuff. Emily at Chatting at the Sky has started a synchroblog project with the recent release of her book Graceful. I couldn’t resist joining the fun . . . 

Dear Me,

I know you’re starving for some wise insight about the world and the meaning of all the wonder and pain and beauty and mysteries and what your role in all of it is. If there ever was an opportunity to tell you, this would be it.

But, I still can’t tell you.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tell you.

What I can assure you of is this: it is all worth it.


At some point, probably in coordination with several events both life-changing and seemingly meaningless, you will learn to love the gift of life. You will forget the darkness that has covered much of your short life.
Your brain works too hard and too fast and no one out there can make sense of it all, not even you. You will still swim too far into the depths of your soul and mind—the part that never turns off and never accepts the easy answer; the part that is deepest, and therefore furthest from the light. You will also learn how to swim towards the surface where light permeates through, and you will learn how to do it on your own. You won’t look to other people or medication to give you the strength. You are so strong, girl. Remember this for your future self too . . . sometimes she forgets.
If I know you, and I do because well, I am you, you don’t really want to know the details and upcoming events of your life. You don’t need to know either. All I will tell you, the only thing that really matters to know is that you are blessed. You are happy.

Long-gone will be the fits of take your breath away agony. After your freshman year of college and the summer that follows, you will be free of your paralyzing emotional breakdowns. You’ll learn to stretch your legs out of fetal position and pick yourself up off the floor. You will stand tall with the knowledge and faith that once the storm rolls through, the air is clean and the soil is filled with nourishment for beautiful, healthy crops.

You have endured many storms, you will reap many crops.

I so know how hard it is to believe me right now. I know how impossible happiness seems. I know you think no one could possibly understand the foreverness of your sorrow. But I do, friend. I was there.

Soon, the clouds will part and the light will shine so bright and so warm and it will shoot through every part of you, down to your bones.

Just because you can look forward to the light, does not mean the struggles will all disappear. You will still question the complexities of life, and these endless questions will continue to bring heart-ache and frustration. I hope this never ends for you. I hope you always see the world with innocence and awe as you try to figure out what it all means. Anyone who says they've got it all figured out is either lying, or too lazy to keep exploring all the options. Don't stop exploring. Don't accept answers that do not make sense. Don't be afraid of what you do not understand.

Continue to advocate for the weak, the vulnerable, the lonely, the shy. Those are the people that will ultimately bring you the most joy. Their presence in your life will give you purpose. Don't be ashamed of your heart that just seems to "care too much." People tell you that because life has calloused them. You cannot care too much about anyone. Ever. Every time you feel the urge to say or do something kind for someone, do it. That is God talking right to you, in that very moment.

I won’t tell you to avoid any of the mistakes you are about to fall onto, and I won’t warn you of the obstacles you will have to overcome. Just endure. Where it leads you is exactly where you’ve always wanted to be . . . 


In the mean time, take more pictures.Start learning how to break the cycle of self-ridiculing and doubt. You are more beautiful than you give yourself credit for.

Continue to nurture your friendships. Sharing laughter and tears with those who are family- not by blood but by choice-- is one of life's greatest gifts.

When life starts to pull you all in so many different directions and you begin to feel lost and alone, reach out to them.. Be vulnerable with them. Make sure they know how grateful you are for their presence in your life.

Stay close to Connor. Friendships may come and go, but your family will always be there for you. Be there for them, too. 

Give your parents more credit; they may be a bit on the wild side, but they're the reason you turned out fun, smart, driven, witty, kind, funny, responsible, successful. Again, they've always been there for you. They'll always be there for you.

. . . Pay attention to the details and enjoy the journey, Morgan. It is so good.

Love,

Me

isn't it expected by now . . .

. . . That I'll never post anything in a timely manner? Whoopsies.

I'm embarrassed to be posting this since it's such old news by now (nearly 3 weeks!) but I just have to show the world how amazing my widdo bwudah Connie-poo-poos is.

This boy is so dang smart, kind, hilarious, driven, articulate, handsome . . . I'm stopping myself now before this sounds incestuous. But seriously people. Watch out for him. He's already accomplished SO much in his short life, and he is destined for more greatness. I couldn't be more excited for where he'll go in life and the many people he'll touch and bless along the way.

the short version

A list of things I've wanted to blog about, but haven't had time:

• J-Dub's birthday extravaganza
• secrets
• menstruating for 6 weeks (and counting)
• graduation from COLLEGE
• trust issues
• in-laws
• house apartment shopping
• grad school
• moving
• moving
• moving
• boob staring
• living a half-hour from everything
• hubba hubba and pappy: Navis bff's
• my extra sweat glands and an 80 degree house
• getting a job as a caseworker for DCFS

Oh, and here are some realll quality pictures at the end Jordan's birthday scavenger hunt because I never had time 32 days ago. Sorry no loving tribute, husband.

my hormones are WHACK

I have kind of been a mess lately.

Maybe it's because I'm going to school full-time.... and interning 16+ hours a week... and working 20 hours a week.... and going back and forth to Salt Lake sometimes 3 times a week... and that I never get to see Jordan.... and that I'm living in an apartment that looks like the aftermath of Katrina.

It's probably all of these things.

Or maybe it's because I feel lonely.

With graduation around the corner, I feel like so is the end of my youth. Because I got married so young, and we still act like teenagers who are dating-- in love and spontaneous and goofy, I didn't necessarily feel that life change made me officially adult. Nothing changed about my life except that I got to live with a boy and I didn't have to deal with terrible roommates anymore. I was as independent as I always was, I just added the very mature sounding title of "wife."

Now though, with no more years to be planned out based on school schedules, summer breaks, tests, and late-night hang-outs, I feel a little.... lost.

This semester has been a beast, and I definitely struggle with "senioritis" on a daily basis. I know I'll miss this part of my life though-- the last smidgen of childhood I have left.

Jordan and I will be moving out of Logan on April 28. It's likely we'll end up in his parent's basement until I find a job. While we've dreamed of exploring the world and starting a life in another state, if only to see what it's like, I don't see that dream coming true for awhile.

My sister has lived in Arizona for years. My older brother is moving to Denver in 2 weeks. My little brother will be leaving at the end of summer to go to college in California, Michigan, or Massachusetts. My parent's will have no family left (within the state) except for us.

I know I'm not emotionally ready to leave my parent's all alone. My guilt complex is too strong. But more than that, I know how devastated I'll be when they're not around anymore.

As with my brothers, so many people have been moving on and moving away. Sometimes I feel stuck between the excitement and happiness I feel for them, and the longing for the way things were.

Growing up is hard. And that's just how it is.