Drum Roll, Please

I JOINED A GYM!!!!!!!

AND I WORKED OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Can you tell I'm excited? I am giving Jenny Craig a break for about a month or so, just as a I transition to the new job (luckily, my weight is staying virtually the same, so not worried). But, I have really been craving a good cardio workout - isn't that crazy? I guess that it means that my body is ready for it. Have I really healed enough? I sure think so!!

So, I joined Bally's online last week, and I went to my local location (near the new synagogue so that it is easy to go from work) yesterday evening. I signed up for my free personal training session, got my official ID card, and I bought a lock. I haven't been to a gym since a little while after my car accident. For awhile there, I tried to keep going (there was this Latin Dance Class that I LOVED), but it got too painful. Eventually, I let my membership lapse. I just couldn't do it.

But, now, I am trying again. I took it really easy yesterday - 15 minutes on the elliptical machine, and 15 minutes on a recumbent bike. Felt so good to be moving my body, listening to my iPod, and taking good care of myself. I kept close eye on my back, and made sure to listen to its signals. If I started feeling any pain, I slowed down or reduced the resistance. I don't feel any pain or soreness today, so I must've done a good job!!

The location also has a pool - my FAVORITE!!! I can't wait to go swim some laps, then relax in the whirlpool. Another great new step in my recovery!!! HOORAY!!!!

One Year Since My Surgery!!

Today is the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY since my spinal fusion surgery at the Hospital for Special Surgery in New York City.

One year?!?!?!?

I never thought I would ever get better, let alone have surgery, let alone recover so well from it. I was looking back at my blog post from the day before the surgery, and I see the fear and the hope that I felt.

On the left is an x-ray that I found online - it pretty much shows what I had done (though I think that mine was one level lower: L5-S1).

So, what's changed over the past year, since the surgery? Here's what I am celebrating:

1. I never thought I would dance again, and I have now danced on many occasions - including a recent jaunt to Webster Hall (a dance club here in NYC). This was my BIGGEST WISH!
   
2. I never thought I would be in the right frame of mind to lose weight, and I have lost more than 15 pounds so far.
   
3. I never imagined that I would walk without a cane, and now I can even jog!
   
4. I could no longer envision a life without chronic pain, and now I am 95% without pain of any kind!
5. I didn't think I would be able to walk farther than 2 blocks without pain, and now I can walk at least 2 miles before I feel sore.
   
6. I didn't think I would be able to stand for an entire Shabbat worship service (I learned to take many breaks), and now I can confidently stand the whole time!
7. I thought I would have to have my groceries delivered from now on - but now, I can carry them up the stairs myself!!
8. I figured that I would feel tired, depressed, and OLD from now on, but I finally feel young, vibrant, energetic, and ALIVE!!!

Thanks for celebrating with me - I couldn't have gotten through it all without your support and love. Here's to another good year!!

A Big Anniversary - Four Years Since My Car Accident

Yes, that's right - today is four years since my car accident. I can't believe that so much time has passed.

Last year, just one year ago, I was in such a different place (and I blogged about the three-year anniversary). I was totally demoralized, completely hopeless, and crippled by pain. I was angry at the man who crashed into me, saddened by the doctors who made me feel crazy for being in so much pain, helpless to find anything to make me feel better, depressed, as I watched my life fade away, and stuck in this accelerating downfall.

And, now?

Wow.

What a difference. Like the butterfly the accompanies this post, I feel as if I am reborn, spreading my wings, and taking flight. I feel healthy, strong, YOUNG, confident, and renewed. I really wasn't sure if this feeling would ever come. I was so sure that I would be handicapped for the rest of my life, and that it was all going down the drain. Yet, as my therapist points out, I kept working at my own healing, and I brought it about - I found new doctors, I kept pursuing answers, and I discovered that I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! There was something serious going on in my back (a fractured spine), it was fixable, and I WOULD GET BETTER.

And here I am. I am grateful for your support, love, and encouagement, from the darkest of days through the parting of the clouds. This anniversary is so different from last year's, and I know that it can only get better from here on out.

So, while I will never be thankful for the accident, I am thankful for all the lessons learned, the power of healing, the feeling of vitality that flows through my body, and the blessings of friends and family.

Been a Long Time!

Sorry for the long pause between posts - the Jewish High Holy Days are quite intense. AND, at my synagogue, we do TWO of each service! Thus, for my colleagues who are exhausted after a 3-hour long Yom Kippur morning service, imagine having to dive in and do it ALL OVER AGAIN!!



But, what was really amazing was FEELING GOOD throughout the whole 10 days of Rosh HaShanah (the Jewish New Year), the Yamim Noraim (The Days of Awe, in which we are reflecting on the past year and deciding how we want the new year to go), and then Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement). I have been in such exquisite pain over the past few years, and this year was SO DIFFERENT!! Sure, my feet were achy, my head was tired, and my voice didn't want to come out after 12 hours of rabbi-ing. But, my back DIDN'T HURT!!!! Isn't that incredible?



I had energy, vitality, and a smile on my face. It was a totally different High Holy Day experience for me, and I am so grateful for it. I kept thanking God for this new year, and a renewed sense of life and peace.



Now, we are getting ready for Sukkot, the Jewish holiday that celebrates the fall harvest and appreciates the earth's bounty. We build a Sukkah, a temporary structure covered with branches that allows us to connect with nature, see the sky and stars through the roof, and appreciate both the blessing and the fragility of life. The holiday begins tonight and lasts for 7 days. More service-leading, yes, but a happy holiday!!

Stay tuned over the next few days - I will be posting pics from the New Kids Concert and the Madonna Concert that I attended over the past few weeks. YAY!!!!!

Sore Today....

Hi, guys! Just taking a moment to admit that I am feeling achy today. I totally know why, but it is still annoying. I am SO READY to be feeling all better, and thus, it can get a little depressing when I am not back to 100%.

The beds at the retreat (at Franklin Pierce) were SO AWFUL. I hadn't thought ahead about sleeping arrangements, so I didn't anticipate it being a problem. However, it was the worst that college beds can be, and my sensitive, post-surgery back couldn't take it. I slept, at most, 4 hours a night. I am still tired, and that only makes the ache worse.

Also, I drove 4.5 hours each way. Yes, I stopped a few times along the way, but my body is not quite at the point where it doesn't react to that amount of sitting in one place.

Finally, I have total PMS right now, and I have learned over the past few months that my pain gets worse at this time of the month.

Thanks for listening. I'm off to take some ibuprofen and ponder getting a massage a little later this evening. Hope all is well with you!!!

Ready for Shabbat

Hi, my friends! I am very excited that it is finally Shabbat. This week felt very long, and, as my dad says, "Shabbat always comes at the right time." Just when you don't think you can take another day of tumult, stress, or conflict, the Sabbath arrives.

As you saw in my previous posts this week, it has been a painful week. I don't think that anything out of the ordinary was going on - I think that it was more of a perfect storm of triggers: I got my period, I ran out of my muscle relaxant, I was really stressed out, and I led two very long worship services last weekend. Any one event on its own wouldn't have caused an increase in pain, but - together? Oy vey.

Yep, I am really ready for Shabbat.

How am I feeling?

One word: GREAT!!!

Woohoo!!!

So, we are now at the 16 week mark, post-surgery. On one hand, it feels like so long since the surgery; on the other, I feel like I just got out of the hospital. But, my life keeps changing every day, and I feel better and better.

One example - my sister and I spent all day yesterday (after Shabbat services) cleaning, shopping, and preparing for my birthday party. Before my surgery, I would have only been able to do about an hour of work, then I would have had to recover over a few days. Yesterday, I not only led services, then did 6 hours of work, I then made it through the entire party. And, this morning? I got right out of bed like nothing had happened. Isn't that AMAZING?!?!?

I can't explain how much these changes mean to me. It's truly a miracle. Hooray!!

Surgery Update: Three Month Checkup

Hello! I am very pleased to report that I had my three-month follow-up appointment at the surgeon's a few days ago. Can you believe that three months have already gone by since my spinal fusion surgery? I know I can't...

Anywho, I had a fresh set of x-rays taken (the picture to the left looks just like mine), met with a physician's assistant, and then saw my surgeon. All of them agreed that my recovery is going splendidly. The screws are all in the right place, the fused bone is forming nicely, the incision is healing up well, and my pain level is decreasing smoothly.

I finally had a chance to ask the surgeon what exactly had been put into my spine. He explained that a bone graft was taken from my pelvic bone, which was then mixed with cadaver bone (I plan to be possessed by the spirit of the person whose bone is in me any day now... stay tuned for updates... teehee...) and "bovine materials." BOVINE??? All I can say to that is:

MOO!!

I told my surgeon that, in no uncertain terms, he changed my life. He paused for a second, then responded, "Well, spinal fusion often gets a bad rap [due to its severity], but in a case like yours, where you have been in pain for so long, it can really be the right choice." And it was. I will always be grateful for the medical advances which enabled me to finally be healed from the years of suffering that I have lived with.

In other news, my 30th birthday is coming up next week..... woohoo!!!

Six-week Check-up

Well, folks, I got a great report at the surgeon's today. I had my six-week (can it already be six weeks since my surgery?!??) check-up today, which included an x-ray. All is well! So far, my spine is healing, the screws are where they should be, and the bone is fusing properly. I am right on track for my healing process.

I told them about the increased pain I have had over the past few weeks, and they said that is, indeed, a very normal phenomenon. As I get better, I unintentionally do too much, and thus set myself back a few days. This happened two weeks ago, and again this past week. Apparently, once you hit the four week mark, you have a greater risk of pain. Guess it is human nature to get all excited about feeling better, and go wild (wild being - sitting for a WHOLE HOUR at once - isn't that CRAZY BEHAVIOR?!?!?). Teehee!

Most people do not start physical therapy until 3 months after surgery, but the surgeon said that I am doing so well that I can start now! He prescribed gentle massage (no complaints here), gentle isometrics, and modalities (heat, STIM, etc.). I hope to start that up next week.

It is so reassuring to be told that, a) it is normal to be in pain right now, and, b) I am really getting better. My doctor also said that it might take me longer to heal from all the pain because I was in pain for so long (three long years). My body has a lot of catching up to do.

Thanks, as always, for all of your support and encouragement!!

Down and Out...

Hi, everyone. I haven't posted in about a week because the past few days have been rough. All in all, my recovery from my spinal surgery has been going well, but I overdid it late last week, and have needed a lot of sleep and rest subsequently. It's been hard, and I am trying very hard not to get discouraged. The picture above is my bed - isn't it comfy looking? Of course, Precious has been open to lots of good cuddling, so her TLC is quite healing.

But, the pain can be so debilitating. All of my pre-surgery pain is gone, but this post-surgery pain gets bad at times. Not only am I experiencing pain from the spinal fusion itself, but also from the bone grafts they took from both sides of my pelvic bone. All in all, my entire pelvis is aching constantly.

Ugh, I hate to complain, but I had to let it out.

I have an x-ray and 6-week follow-up appointment tomorrow. Hopefully, I will get lots of good news on my healing and recovery. I hope to hear that the bones are all fusing properly, and that I am on the right track.

Hope all is well with you!

Almost forgot to tell you...

By the way - it turns out that one of my vertebrae was actually FRACTURED!!! The surgeon couldn't believe it. He got in there and "was thrown for a loop" (according to the physician's assistant). No wonder I never got better - I've been living with a broken back FOR THREE YEARS!!!!

This surgeon was the first to notice something weird going on - he saw it on the most recent MRI, and said that it looked like either a fracture or a congenital problem. The fracture was confirmed during the surgery.

HOW COME NOBODY SAW IT SOONER?!??!?

I feel so vindicated - so many people doubted that I was truly in pain, and couldn't understand why I wasn't getting better. They said "lose weight." "Try acupuncture." "Try my doctor." "Is it really that bad?" "You really can't come tonight?" POO ON ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE!!


So, there.


(okay, time to lay down - can't sit any longer. I promise to visit your blogs really soon, because I miss all of you!)

Surgical Consult

Howdy, y'all!

I am beginning to feel pretty nervous - I am going to the surgeon tomorrow, and our appointment is called a "surgical consult." When I called the receptionist to confirm earlier today, I asked her what that means, exactly. She said, "it means you are making plans for surgery."

I feel really ambivalent about this - both relieved and terrified. If I wind up having surgery, it could mean that I FINALLY have a chance to feel better. That would be incredible. I can't even imagine what being pain-free would feel like....

On the other hand, the idea of surgery absolutely and totally terrifies me. I have always had a phobia of anesthesia, and I am also scared that I would be in that percentage of people who wind up getting worse from the surgery.

Oy.

I also don't know anything about the timeline yet. When would the surgery be? Soon? How long would recovery take? Physical Therapy? Guess it is time to start looking for message boards on the topic.

So, tell me - have you ever had surgery of any kind? How was it? Were you helped by it?

Chronic Pain: A Three Year Retrospective

Well, friends, I try so hard to be chipper, and sometimes it is really tough. As you may know, I was in a serious car accident, and have been working hard to heal since then. Today is the three-year "anniversary (yay?)" since my accident.

So, three years ago, today, I was visiting my family in Chicago to see my youngest brother star in his high school's production of Bye, Bye, Birdie. I was so excited to see him, particularly since I live so far away most of the time. I was driving my mom's car (alone), and I was on my way to pick up my grandmother. I needed to take a very busy street (Milwaukee Ave, for those who know) to get there - it is often a 45 or 50 mph speed limit.

I stopped in the left lane, because the driver in front of me was making a left turn (there was no official lane for it). I guess the guy behind me never saw me sitting there. I watched him approaching, in the rearview mirror, completely disbelieving the possibility of him actually hitting me. Which he did.

The trunk wound up in the backseat. Apparently, when you are rear-ended, the airbags do not deploy. Hence, my foreheard slammed into the steering wheel.

There is so much to be grateful for: I was alive. I was able to walk from the car to the ambulance. Other than a concussion, there was no head injury. My grandmother wasn't in the car. I can walk. I can still sing karaoke.

Then, there is my kvetching: I am in constant pain. I can't walk long. I have a herniated disk, a slipped vertebra, nerve compression, stenosis, and disk degeneration. I can no longer dance, bicycle, swim, jump around, or any of the other wonderful things I love. I can't hold a Torah, and have to limit my time standing on the bimah. I walk with a cane half the time. I am on pain killers at all times. Bleh.

Well, luckily, everything else in my life is going really well, and this allows me to focus on finally fixing this. I am working with a new batch of doctors, and they are conservative AND proactive. I have a facet injection on Friday (have had three epidural injections which didn't have any effect). Then we see if it works. Then we try more drastic measures, because there is nothing else left (and trust me, I've tried).

Figured I would bring you up to date, and share some more of my experience with you. We chronic pain sufferers need to unite - it can be so demoralizing, but we can stick together and get through it!! And, even though they can't directly relate, my family and friends have been terrific.... though I HATE complaining.... (and I can't even believe that I wrote all this tonight). However, it feels good to let it out!

She's got a fast car...

Okay, so, the good news in my life is that my lawsuit from my car accident is finally over. I was able to have all of my medical bills covered, as well as my legal fees. The bad news? The money actually sent to me is quite small. However, my dad made a great point - I should use the money received to take care of my back in any way I can.

There are two main things I am thinking of purchasing, that I would be unable to afford otherwise:
1) One of those super-duper massage chairs from Brookstone
2) Getting a nice used car to help me around town

So, I am leaning towards the car as the best choice. Just think - groceries, commuting, funeral processions.... wow, it would all be so much easier.

But, in thinking about it further, I am nervous - I have never had my own car! I haven't really needed one since I moved to the NYC area.

Does this mean that I will finally be a grown up????

An Open Letter to the Man Who Rammed Into My Car 2 1/2 Years Ago

Dear Mr. D.,

I would ask how you are, but this would imply that I care. You see, you have absolutely no idea how I am, two and a half years after you carelessly slammed your car into mine. Did you notice how the trunk wound up in the back seat? Huh? Did you happen to see the way I was driven off in an ambulance?

But, as far as you are concerned, you have no idea how these past few years have been for me. All you know is that your insurance company is going to pay me a paltry sum of money, and my medical bills will barely be covered, all because you were horribly underinsured.

I still wonder why in the world you hit me. I remember (vividly) seeing your black car approaching in my rearview mirror. I remember thinking (since I was stopped), why isn't that car slowing down? Oh my gosh, it looks like it is going to hit me. Oh my god.

And, at that moment of realization, I still didn't really believe that it was about to happen. I still believed that, somehow, there was not going to be an impact.

Alas.

And now, Mr. D., I am in such unbelievable pain, that I am pretty much going insane. My life and my work revolve around whether or not I can get out of bed each morning -will my back cooperate today, or will it need bedrest, pain killers, and ice packs?

Has your life been affected in such a way? I highly doubt it.

I wish I was at a point where I could forgive you. I am not yet there. In fact, it could be due to the fact that you have not asked for forgiveness. I wish I could be like those victims on the news who bravely say, "I forgive the (murderer... abuser... robber...)." I guess I am not that kindhearted at this point. Nope - still too angry.

And then there are my poor friends and family members who have to put up with my constant complaining, my aches and pains, my tears as I try to figure out a way to feel more comfortable. I am endlessly grateful to them for their patience and love. But I wouldn't have to rely on them so much if it wasn't for the careless way in which you drove into my car on that afternoon so long ago, Mr. D.

I guess I won't ever know why you hit me - I won't ever know if it was because you were on the cellphone, or changing channels on the radio, were drunk, or just stupid. In the end, I don't know that it matters, because the outcome is the same. I am forever changed, because of a split-second of absolute, irrevocable stupidity on your part.

Speaking a Different Language

I remember, a few years ago at a CCAR convention, hearing Rabbi Lawrence Hoffman speak. He was a professor of mine while in rabbinical school, and he is just a brilliant, wonderful person. Rabbi Hoffman has had a really challenging homelife for many years. His delightful daughter became quite ill a few years ago, and it has been, from what we were able to see, an immense struggle to keep her healthy and keep searching for answers.

Well, anyway, in this lecture he gave at the convention, he spoke about the language of illness. He said that those who are in pain, who are suffering, or who are ill, speak a completely different language from those who are healthy. It is like being from a foreign country, and there is a total communication breakdown. When you are in pain, only those who have experienced that level of suffering can really hear you and understand you.

That is where I am today. I am really feeling like it is hard to speak to those who don't understand what I am going through. I don't want advice, I don't want someone to tell me what to do. I just want someone to listen. I just want to acknowledge my pain, honor it, and have it validated.

I am seriously considering going home for the next few days. I need some parental TLC, and I need someone to take over the reins and take care of me for a little while.

This totally sucks.

Not much to say tonight

Howdy, y'all. I am in a lot of pain tonight (terrible back pain), so it is really difficult to think. Yet, even just typing about it, and acknowledging it in a tangible way, is really helpful.

I am usually in pain, but it is particularly bad today. Why? Because I couldn't resist Israeli Dancing last night. We had our Yom Haatzmaut (Israel Independence Day) celebration at the temple last night, and the concert portion was followed by dinner and dancing. I hadn't done Israeli dancing in years, and certainly not since the car accident. It was glorious - "Od Lo Ahavti Dai," "Mayim, Mayim" and more. For a few brief moments of dancing, I felt normal again. I felt like I could move and have control over my body in a way that I haven't experienced in 2 and a half years.

Well, forgive me for complaining. Getting ready for bed, hope to sleep well. Good night!