Daydream in Blue.

I've got lots to tell you, about recent things that have occured Here. I have a post part done- I'll try and get it on here soon! Its not that I think you're all sitting on the egde of your seats waiting for it, far from that, just that I'd like to spruce the place up a bit on my blog, cheer it up a little. It will be a post of positive things, nice doings and pleasant memories. I need those a bit at the moment,

I'm good at daydreaming. I suppose really, my daydreaming at the moment could also fall into the categories of sulking and worrying. Yes, I can do the wallowy woe-is-me bit, but its the 'action' or 'plan' part I'm a bit stinky at. But hey, if you can't write these musings out here then where else do they go? And hopefully once they're written and in some kind of coherant order, I might be able to sift through it and make sense of whats occuring- get it into perspective.

So life is still a bit poo really, and I'm not myself. I have painful headaches and regular nosebleeds- sinus problems I think, and problems sleeping. Its been like this for a couple of months. I'm off to the doctors again on Wednesday, I guess they might have some more ideas now that I've tried the current prescription and the symptoms remain.
What else? Well more trouble from the usual quarters, and I'm afraid its running me down. I'm finding that I'm fighting against becoming a sad little blob who mopes about in front of daytime TV, feeling blue and lack-lustre.

source

I haven't been seeing the fella as much as I'm used to, because work has gone all crazy again for him. Well... I have to admit that this concerns me, my inability to keep myself positive, without outside help, or, really, company. I've been all pro-'dating' and 'living apart' from the beginning. I don't think its because on every level I'm happy with the prospect of being a person who exists aside from her boyfriend, but its because I felt I needed to be able to deal with life myself, and for it to be the three of us- me, Pickle Missy and Little Guy, looking after each other. Thats why I wanted to do it. Its hard.

I was hoping that we were working towards the stage where one day we might decide to move in. If I can't look after my own happiness and wellbeing at this stage, I doubt that will be happening for a good while. Which is fine- I'm not being defensive- it is fine. I set myself the task if you like, of proving I could channel my inner Beyonce, and be self-sufficient, and I must do better at this before I can build a decent relationship with this man. It just happens that until we are together, living in the same place, I'll have to accept the weeks that we see so little of each other, because of the distance.
It would be all too easy to cheer up if he was here. In the absence of my besties, and my family, the children and he are all I have to make me smile. And the children do make me smile, but when they are at school and nursery, and when they are in bed, and when they are with their dad, I feel lonely as a lonely person in lonelytown... you get the idea.

How much easier it would be to re-boot myself, into some kind of emotionally-semi-functioning person, if I had a hug in the morning, or someone to eat with, to make it worth while cooking. I'd even be appreciative of someone's work uniform right now, to make sure that I, or he, was making a dent in the laundry pile. Stuff isn't getting done with any kind of efficiency... I guess it hasn't since the headaches, and less so since these Autumn Blues arrived.

Another root of my problem really, is boredom, and with my recent reunion with High School Friends, comes the realisation that I have very little to aim for in my life right now... dictated by upper limits that I can work in hours and salary... and it feels as though I have achieved very little for myself, in life... thus far.


No firm decisions to be made here, (they're not my forte!) just a few aims to consider:
-stand on my own two feet, overcome neccesity to rely on others for happiness (how on flibbing earth do I do this? No idea. Will let you know how it goes!)
- sleep and eat better, sort-out my own routine. I certainly wouldn't let my children behave like this, so I must set a better example
- have a re-think, and take advice about careers, house-moves and finances/cars. I really think its worth considering having new job to go to when my youngest is at school next September. It might have to be 'back to the drawing-board' on the careers thing. Now... what would I like to be when I grow up?


xxx

Are you proud of me?!...

This weekend is the first one that I've had by myself for ages.

I'm actually all alone.

There is nobody here apart from me.

And I have nothing specific to do.

source

And, unusually, I'm fine with that! This is one of my long-term struggles, to be 'Me', without being a mummy, or a girlfriend, or a daughter, or anything else. I seemed to lose confidence in that a long time ago, and it often feels awkward, unnatural, boring and lonely. The children are with their dad a weekend early, and the fella is at a festival, with lots of local acts, as well as Cast and The Streets. Jealous? Much? (No really- its raining and he's camping!) Its fine!

Plans? Not many. Eat toast, check. Catch up on things missed on the iPlayer, check. Tidy my bedroom and finish the laundry.... yeah, I'll get back to that one... I have decided after weeks of panicking about being Bikini-Beautiful (the holiday is looming) that some people aren't made for them, and that I don't have fat legs, they are quite short actually, compared to my body. So theres nothing I can do about that. This is also a step forward. More toast please!

He's texting me alot, with the 'wish you were heres' (whatever happened to the interdependant thing that we had going on?!) but he's with man-friends that he's known for a lifetime, and I think he needs to be there as 'himself'. I'm happy where I am, being 'Me', by myself.

Its a big step forward!

xxx

The Sea.

I am lucky enough to be able to get to the coast as much as I want. So most days I do.

 My dad, a Cornishman, loves to check up on its blue-ness when he visits and I wander along that way when I finish the school run. I take walks, and I run occasionally along the pathway. Little Guy takes trips to the boats sometimes, to watch the fishermen with his nursery,

I could only have dreamed of watching fisherman with my nursery. We had treats of our own, and were located near an army barracks, so probably spent lots of time peering-in at soldiers, but I sometimes wonder at the sort of things my two will get used to doing, as part of their everyday lives, to look back on. And I also wonder whether they will grow up with that 'sea loving gene' that I thought had passed me by...

Turns out, it hasn't. Its just that living so far away from it for so many years, I never realised I had one.

Sometimes, I can be persuaded into a cycle ride, and the sea wall is a very inviting route- especially on a warm day, with a little stop at a cafe, and a spot of people-watching. (Nothing sordid! I just like to imagine what these beach-dweller's lives are like, and where they have come from, and what possessed them to wear speedos and long socks, you know... that kinda thing...) The right kind of nourishment after all that pedalling is paramount: cheesy chips, cider, and one of these. The ice-cream lady said 'would you like red sauce?' Silly question.

There are many tracks playing through my head when all I can hear is waves, and seagulls, and here is just one. Enjoy.

xxx

Not using the 'L' word- a Random Think...

This week is the anniversary. The One Year of Me and my lovely Fella. And its all good. I doubt we'll celebrate, but I don't feel the need. It'll be an occasion just like the formula of us- it kinda comes and goes, and we're both happy without much fuss.
I've been surprised by some things in this relationship, and I have learnt other things. Its difficult to articulate, (ha! Lucky you lot!...) but its worth a random think, I think. This is surely (almost) what blogs were made for- a perfect place to write inexpertly about complex matters of the heart and soul! Please feel free to add any thinks of your own to the comments. Here goes:

I first tried to write out what we were, together, here- in the 'fella' section. It was the first time I'd stopped to think about it properly, (how do I introduce this guy who is sometimes on the scene, and sometimes not, but who is such a part of my life nowadays that I find him turning up in my blog posts with regular abandon?!) Well, I think it covers the situation well. We've had some fab times, a couple of less-fab ones, but I'm settled, I'm smiley... alot. There are some things about this relationship that are very different to previous ones, and I really think I'm ok about it. This came as a surprise! Its taken guts, and a 'steady hand', when sorting out my emotions, because my natural state as a girlfriend, is one of a girl that needs swooping up, and taking care of, and organising, and big emotional gestures (not to be confused with monetary ones).
This is where I have been going wrong. There are a distinct lack of those things in this Crazy Little Thing, and even though this was what I'd decided I wanted, I still had to take it as a challenge- to make myself try something new, something slightly out of my usual pattern, something less wrapped-up and co-dependant. This was needed after my previous experiences.

source

We give modest presents, (most of the time- tut tut for a couple of very sweet gifts he gave me last year) we don't call every day, we don't go out every weekend, and there are only four photos in existence of us together. Hey, we hardly ever even use the 'L' word. But is it neccessary just now? Is it too easy to over-use that one? Its only been a year. I'll come back to that. I've realised that what we do have is all thats required, as long as the Crazy Little Thing meets each other's needs, and feels cosy and warm. I do feel cosy and warm, without feeling penned-in. Let me tell you what things I do have with him:

• An understanding that we have lives of our own, but a flexi-cuddle arrangement, ie, as soon as one misses the other, we find ourselves making flimsy excuses to be together again.

• Also, that ability to be 'the only one' to the other, who understands things that happen occasionally, and can offer the right words or comfort.

• Separate living spaces. He is around 40 or 50 minutes drive from Here, and aside from the fact that he has to do the 'running' because I'm still without a car, this suits us fine for now. For now? I wouldn't mind carrying on in this way for a couple of years or more actually, although all-the-better if I had my own transport...

• There is little talk of 'the future'. You know? That Talk. It really isn't essential just now- we like to be around each other and that is enough for the moment. We're more than dating, but less than people that make joint decisions about what will happen. (Bad English? Yes. Sorry!)

•  Stuff in common: spare-time stuff, and outlooks, and an appreciation of each other's hobbies. Theres a careful balance between this and 'couple-time' I guess, not that I've needed it yet, nor he for that matter- something thats been a struggle in previous relationships.

Ha! Sneaky- you can't see my gorgeous man. I am a tease. He looks like this, but theres more of him. And he bears more than a passing resemblance to Mike from Neighbours... although obviously he's infinitely better looking!..

I've always needed another half to 'complete' me. No more. Taxi for Mr Freud please- you can no longer pin that one on me! I like my independance, and so does he, but it doesn't detract from the feelings. And because of how things are, I'm not going to declare that I've found the love of my life- not only is it doomed to fail if I do, nobody has asked me to profess it, so I won't. Who knows what the future holds? And yes I trust him, but its taken a while. And like I said- I don't use the 'L' word like its going out of fashion anymore. Can you believe it? I can't! But it wasn't helping my doomed relationships when I did. Still getting used to that one, because I sure use it on my children everyday, but its not as vital as I thought it was with a partner, I've decided. What do you think?...

He said something interesting to me near the beginning- he didn't want us to 'burn out'. He admitted to that 'butterflies' feeling after our first date, just like me, when we sheltered under a brolly in the pouring rain, and we both felt that there was a real chance that there might be something between us... but he didn't want to lose that in a flash. Butterflies aren't an unwelcome addition to the mix are they? He didn't want them disappearing too quickly. Its not really an old fashioned courting thing, but theres no hurry, and this is why I like an older man!- he's right.
You get to be in charge of things this way- not led by your heart. Theres still that element of emotional unpredictability (in a good way!), only without the 'jumping feet first' feeling, or the 'never knowing what will happen once you feel settled' feeling.

So it may read as though I had to join his camp and pick up on his way of doing things. I didn't. It was a conscious decision this time, to opt for a relationship like this one, and not in the format of my previous ones. I think with the children at the ages they are now, it was, and is vital, that we have our family time for me to do my thing with them in the Single Mummy Zone, without any relationship stuff around me sometimes. He sees them a fair amount, and I'm not saying this for the purposes of giving the right impression, but I genuinely mean it when I say: the children can't get enough of him. No plans for him to become a permanent live-in-role model in their lives just now though, even though they'd love that, so they'll have to get used to it! I'm determined not to involve him too much too soon.We come as a package, but they're not going to become his responsibility- they're all mine mine mine!

I'm not being smug- I haven't got The Solution to life's great questions of love, and its not perfect, in fact theres often lots of alone-times, (although I need them, if I am to work out who I am and what I need to do) but its damn hard being the single mummy trying to date a scrummy boyfriend, especially when his 'outside of us' life is family and going out, and having a laugh with best friends, and mine, (because I can't do those things very often, woe is me, blah blah blah...) is going to the park, catching up on phonecalls, or tidying the kitchen. But I love (ooh- I used the L-word!) being with somebody who makes me happy, and I have found somebody who does that.

And now I will stop writing about relationships like I have a Carrie collumn in a New York paper. Normal service will be resumed! Hope you are all having a lovely week.


xxx

Things to Remember, Part 2.

It is good to keep a record of the sweet and silly things that Little People around me say and do. I'm a big fan of their logic, and am forever jotting quotes down. I've heard some more recently, and thought I should share:...

(In Little Guy's link-book from Nursery:) '...he has enjoyed dressing up as a policeman today, and he even arrested Spiderman'. 

Baby Jellies     Jelly Babies

'Oninge is my favouritist colour'.

Crying Bears     Grizzly Bears

'Its lovely to eat potatoes with ketchup'. 'I'm glad you like it'. 'I don't just LIKE it mummy, I LOVE it'

 'I'm going to let my hair grow longer and longer to my toes mummy, and then maybe I'll let you take me to Little Guy's Barbeque (Barber) and he can cut a little bit from the end'.

£1              A pound-pence

'I love you as much as little bunny rabbits who have a secret surprise just for you'.

 

'Gosh mummy, that cycling lady is going very fast'.

'I'm surprised that I've walked all this way and not said my legs were tired yet...'

'When I am big, I am going to have a motorbike, and a car without a roof, and a TRACTOR!'

 

'For the party I am going to wear: 

A pretty pretty butterfly dress,

My best shoes,

A bracelet,

A necklace,

and most of all, my princess hairbands and crown'.

Hope you're all keeping well, and are enjoying the last bit of May. Its been a busy month Here, and next week will be no different! I am away doing nice things in London this weekend, then I am returning with an extra Little Person. No not one of my own, but one that I am hoping to get to know a little bit better: my neice. I'm giving my sister a little break, and looking after Mini-P for a few days. She's two and a half, and in the full throws of toddler-enthusiasm and potty training. Am I mad? Probably!

xxx

Its inevitable

Returning home, and seeing my parents in their setting, 11 years after I moved out, always makes me feel a bit... you know... funny. Sometimes things have barely changed at all- the road that they live on remains unchanged, and it takes a while for things to alter around their house, which is the same one they brought me home into as a newborn from hospital. The cat will still throw up in the middle of Sunday Lunch, and mum will still threaten to box my dad's ears if he doesn't get 'those papers' that came in from work with him, outta her kitchen. (Multiple piles of papers to be fair).
Because those details are the same, you can be lulled into a false sense of security, thinking that other things that have always been there, or always happened in their particular sequence will remain the same. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that its been a decade since I started my new life away from the family home.

Then occasionally, we'll be driving about and I'll say

'ooh, this road never used to have a one-way-system', and dad'll say 

'its been like this for 7 years', or something. 

Or if the local garden centre has suddenly changed the entrance, and you have to 'come in' through what used to be 'the 'exit' (especially if you used to work there, and you thought you knew the place like the back of your hand...) its an unwelcome change. Or, I say

'Thats a new restaurant'

'No it isn't, we went there once before with such-and-such that time... oh actually, you didn't- you'd moved away by then'.

I get indignant.

Why has my Middle School been knocked down to make room for 1 bedroom flats that none of my friends could ever afford? (This is entirely true.)

That sorta thing.

Well theres also the times when you are chatting away on the phone, and a parental will say

'Oh, its the funeral on Thursday- you knew she was ill, no?'

And I usually didn't.

When I was growing up, many of my parent's closest friends were a contingent of single people in their 50s and 60s, from their church, who we used to sit with at functions, or get to know doing our things around the church (Sunday School, Serving, Choir) get together with, watch the installments of the televised Sunday night Narnia dramas (in the '80s) with a hot ribena with, make special Birthday presents for, take out or visit, and in later years invite over for Easter and Christmas. Whenever I returned, these friendly souls would greet me like a long-lost grandaughter, and there would be genuine concern in their voice when they enquired after my health, my new life, the children (who they also loved). There would be hugs and kisses aplenty, at the door of the church, on the rare Midnight Mass, Palm Sunday or August-visit that I rocked up for. We didn't keep in touch apart from that, and I suppose in many cases I never really knew them that well, but that was how it was. And it was fine.

Well I suppose, if that was then, and this is now, and time doesn't stop in your home town, when you move out into the big wide world, its inevitable that these people will become increasingly frail, poorly, dreadfully ill with parkinsons or heart conditions or breathing problems, or even pass on into the next room/ to meet their maker/ return to the earth/ be promoted to glory.... however your beliefs subscribe that you see it.

I see it as terribly sad, and a little shocking, that there are fewer and fewer of those wonderful people around, and each Wintertime, we lose more of them, sometimes quite unexpectedly. I can do the maths- and we can't take on old-age and win, but they were people who I thought would always 'be there'.

My dad went to one such sweet lady's funeral recently, and in this very old-fashioned medium-high (if you know what I mean) Anglican church, it must have made a refreshing change to see such raw emotion, and perhaps Joy, for such an occasion. He was telling me about it the other day- how dignified, wonderful it was. How in her beautifully lined resting place, in the most intricate and amazing dress, her family from abroad had payed very good money for the most superb send-off, and that their feeling was that she was, (complete with an open bible where she lay), 'ready to meet Jesus, in the most awesome resting place'.

Hallelujah! 

It prompted this post.

I hope that the Choirmaster, the Head Server, the Church Wardens and Sidesmen, the Sunday School Teachers, and the Summer Club leaders who we learned so much from, and loved so much, did not suffer, and were ready to go. I don't have the same strength of faith as all of these wonderful people, but I do hope to meet them again some day, in some way.


xxx

***********************************************

This little post has sat around the drafts folder for a good few weeks, waiting for a quieter time to post it, while I tinkered with it. As I sit here contemplating two more Sympathy Cards, for those left behind by people that were taken cruelly, or just too soon, it seems... right. As an extra thought, it surely is also inevitable that as you enter your thirties and beyond, the older people of the family who once helped to raise you, also go. I've spent time recently with somebody who lost their father over a decade ago, and who is still blatently coming to terms with it. I suppose some people never do, but then I suppose that means that those who go are not forgotten....

The Wedding of the Year... Its getting Nearer

And I feel like we need to have another lovely giggle, after the last one.

Right-o, I came across this, which I think is pretty cool... Pizza and a Royal Wedding. Does it get any better?

And incase you missed the link at the end of my last Royal Wedding post (and even if you didn't, it needs another showing)...

Oh my, how fantastic is that?! I would be a happy lady if I could make portraits out of sweets for money. DREAM job. I may change my career. On a related Jelly Bean note, (that shouldn't be the way you start sentences, but in my life its quite normall!) I was reading the lovely Moshops' Blog earlier, (thats not lovely = 'she seems nice', thats 'she always says kind things, and she's a real laugh') and she linked this story, which I also came across here. Look who has appeared in somebody's Jelly Bean!

I hear that Ronnie O'Sullivan thinks the snooker players should get a day off to watch the wedding. Too right! We should all have days off... multiple days off infact, because there is much preparation (cake baking, bunting-dusting) to do, and shopping to be done (tiaras, bow-ties, Very Large Hats), and commemorative chintzy things to stock up on. Gosh, its just as well that they decided to get hitched around the Easter holidays. A happy coincidence? I think not. I like to think that this particular King-and-Queen-to-be understand the need for us all to go a little crazy about them over a matter of weeks, not days.

Liking this. Ahh, he looks like he's in a hot tub, waiting for his lovely missus to join him!

This is a lovely idea- I do hope that they will be giving out mini ones of these on the route towards the cathedral. I love the idea that Miss Catherine Middleton is keeping Prince William under control atop the biggest pork pie you have ever seen.

I found a wonderful site that has all of the worst best buy-able things in one place. Here is a selection:

Oh, and... oops...

Now I'm a little sad, that these have fallen out of fashion. (No I'm not come to think of it... facial hair of the tash variety makes me feel a little bit queasy).

And this might just be my favourite discovery so far, and I demand that you watch it... now!

Not long to go!


xxx

The Wedding of the Year.

I'm not sure why I'm getting so excited- its not like me, I didn't expect to be, but I'm quite looking forward to The Royal Wedding! I can't explain- perhaps there is no explanation, but I have Wedding Fever over it. The shops are all on it, and I'm just going to have to make a purchase, at some stage, and the children and I are going to watch it. (We were due to be going into London to get lost in big crowds and take in the atmosphere, but plans have fallen through. Nevermind, because we didn't have an invitation to the church anyway, and I didn't want to just rock up, wearing something fabulous and a Kate-esque fascinator, tempting as it was...)
So forget your commemorative china, that is so last Royal Wedding! Here are some of my favourite Wedding Memorabilia Thingys/ Shameless Money Making Thingys.

William and Kate Dress Up Dollly Book, RRP £5.99, and I was so tempted to get the sticker album when I saw it in the supermarket the other day. A little too old for it I fear...

Coaster, £2.25

And another

Rainbow Magic Book, RRP £3.99

Ooh, Pickle Missy will be pleased... RRP £6.99

The Obligatory tea-towel (delicously kitch, I think you'll agree) RRP £4.99... but hurry- only available while stocks last kinda thing.

Does anyone need a new knitting project? RRP £9.99. Can't take the credit for this one I'm afraid- I borrowed this link from a friend. If anyone gets it, please let me know! I'd love a corgi, and I'd be your best friend... (Ha! I wrote this post before Pootle saw this and said exactly the same thing). Genius! I also like the Arch Bish...

Ok, anything serious out there? Theres this, my mum would love it, but perhaps we're trying too hard... £24.95

And if you're really excited to count down, £7.99 (seven ninety-nine?!)

Ok, now these are essential to any party, £4, but please note that I have seen celebratory temporary tattoos in Sainsburys. I've seen them but I can't find a picture for you, but really- I've seeeeen them!

And theres these, £5, and fairy cake toppers are around too, if you are so inclined.

I'd quite like some jewellery, if I buy anything, but this one is £28. Pretty though. I've come across others like this that were also adorable, with teapot and post box charms.

  

We could go with the 'Royal' theme anywhere- like in the shoe department, £47.75. And if you're gonna do it, you ought to do it well.

I think we might have entered shoe heaven, ladies...


Ooh, I'm getting excited! And this is just the start- can you imagine what we will all be like (thats all of us- don't pretend you're immune to it!) if they have a baby? To be actually living through an heir-to-the-throne's arrival! (Well I've lived through two, if we don't count William's cousins, but I was too teeny to have appreciated it).
I wonder if they're getting jitters? Kate looks like a Disney Princess already- I predict a Jennifer Aniston like following over her hair. I think I like her. I want to know all, including whether Prince William will be wearing Union Flag boxers, as in the top picture, (we've recently read The Queen's Knickers, and loved it- so if the story is to be believed...) and whether Prince Harry has a few too many on the stag do, and whether the stags will have t-shirts that all say something rude and amusing? (Suggestions welcome, but I don't think we're allowed to make remarks about his rather unfortunate bald patch... It would be tempting though, no?)


xxx

PS- You like this? I like this!

30 thingys to do before I'm 30.

I have two or three posts hanging around the 'drafts' department, and I am trying to space them out. This is an improvement on last week, when I had 6 or 7. My blog posts come to me- like Pooh Bear's hums, and they are in charge of me at times. I have lots to blog right now, but need to be in charge of the blog posts, and say 'no-wait your turn!!!' occasionally. I had something else planned for today, but thought that this one had more urgency, as I need to get a wriggle on, so I have let it out to be read.  Lucy also blogged her list yesterday, and the timing seemed right. 

I obviously ought to celebrate my thirtieth somehow- this is being worked-upon. I might actually get some friends and family to traverse afar to my corner of the world for some kind of party (visit me? A potentially Most Unusual Situation). Somehow it needs to be fabulous- my favourite people, lots of photos, lots of memories and great moments, decent music and entertainment, and yummy food and drink. I might just go over the top. I really might.

But anyway...You know whats also important? I neeeeeeed to celebrate my 'leaving of the twenties' somehow. I explained my feelings back in this post. Its essential, to my mind, as a process of putting the last decade behind me. I totally understand 'divorce parties' now! Don't knock it till you've had one! (A divorce that is). I won't be indulging, but I can quite understand the need for some people. I think the 'shaking yourself free from the past' aspect is part of my reasoning for this. Also, re divorce parties: any excuse for cake.

So here is the plan: I'm going to do 30 things that I haven't done before, or that I think will make a good impact on my life. Its  a way of remembering this year, and also a way of trying new things and maybe getting out of my comfort zone. I had a good look at this website for general inspiration, and also thought hard to myself about what I wanted to do (yes, yes it did hurt). I'll aim to cross things off here, and take photos where possible. You'll notice I kept things in threes. See what I did there?...

So:

1) Go to a Festival
2) Write a song
3) Send 3 secrets to PostSecret.com (I literally cannot wait!)
4) Find a personally inspiring quote and work it into a piece of art/ decor.
5) Complete 3 projects from here
6) Host a Dinner Party (cooking a three-course-meal).
7) Do a sporty challenge, and be generally active.
8) Do some kind of performance.
9) Learn 3 new skills.
10) Change my surname back to my maiden name.
11) See a sunrise
12) Learn to put my face in water.
13) Buy only second hand clothes, and adapt them into something 'Me' where neccesary.
14) Volunteer, charitably.
15) Leave a book somewhere, with a note inside it, for somebody else to pick up.
16) Sell some unwanted things of mine, to make money for new things.
17) Read my shelf of un-read or part-read books (excluding Complete Works!)
18) Fly a Kite (Ha! Didn't realise till today that this was also one of Lucy's).
19) Write a letter to my children, with advice and memories that I don't want to forget.
20) Join a club or an organisation.
21) Collect 50p pieces.
22) Make a story book for the children.
23) Have a cocktail party.
24) Learn more about star constellations, and go star gazing.
25) Watch 3 new films.
26) Catch up with the news every day for 3 weeks.
27) Get a new family picture taken.
28) Do a 'baked and homemade only' week, 3 times
29) De-tox, and take out all of the naughty foods for 3 weeks
30) Declare myself happy

Its a little worrying, flicking through the links, and seeing how many people didn't complete theirs, by a mile. But I guess thats the good thing of having a short list, rather than one of 101 things which I think might make me feel panicky. I really hope I've kept them realistic. Its so interesting (not in a patronising way, you know...) reading lists made by teens, and having a glimpse into their minds and their priorites. I guess if I did this list at 19, mine too would have consisted of 'get the bus on time' and 'remember to clean my room' and 'say thank you to mum for the meals once a day'!




xxx


PS, thank you for all of your suggestions regarding this, and to Lucy who understood what I was looking to achieve, and pointed me in the right direction!

Surprises for a Tuesday Morning.

I have been saved by a man in yellow.

Tufty and his pals would be disappointed to hear that I nearly got myself flattened this morning, but a man in yellow put his arm across me to stop me stepping into the path of a very fast car, which had whizzed around a corner. He didn't stick about for me to say a proper thank you. Thank you man in yellow! I was in quite a shock afterwards.

My hair is curly.

Now technically, I had my suspiscions, and it has gone through quite straight stages, but also stages of being madly frizzy. And lets not forget my mid-teens, when if I put it back in a ponytail, there would be a section of central hair, on top, that was Proper Scary Spice Curly, and much shorter as a result. Just randomly.
I had my hair trimmed a minute amount about a month ago. And now, with that little bit of weight gone, and with a longish fringe across the front, it curls up by itself after I wash it, and I can hide underneath it, and I can spray it and leave it, and nothing needs to be done. I've re-discovered this fact this morning. It actually looks good in the rain, and I was complimented on my 'new hair style' today.

Our first childminder has taken a job with my children, for the third time.

What are the chances?! She looked after them part-time, from when I returned to work when Pickle Missy was 4 months, until Little Guy was coming up a year and a half. We moved away from them, but she continued to have them on a Friday for a while, even when I didn't have a car (what fun 8am 11 mile bus journeys they were!) until that aspect of my job finished, and it became much more sensible for me to put the children in a nursery nearer to Here. Which was a great shame, and a great pull, because she is Mary Poppins' Great Niece! (I somehow feel that Mary Poppins would never have married and had children, otherwise this lady would be more of a direct descendant... although I like to think that she fell in love and was very happy!)
Then last year, without realising that we attended, (we'd stayed in contact but she didn't know that this was the one of many local nurserys that we went to), she started working at our nursery, before the manager transferred her to the other in the company which was short-staffed. Sad face for my two, although our hours hadn't really coincided with hers much anyway. We again stayed in contact, but I don't think we've spoken since just after Christmas.
This morning I bump into her at Pickle Missy's school- she is now working at the nursery there! You couldn't write it, as she still lives that distance away. She wasn't expecting to be working with (or down the corridor from) one of my little ones yet again!

Life is a strange thing.


xxx

Roll up, roll up, for a trip down Memory Lane.

There was a tent on the green last week, and it arrived on Wednesday morning. Vans were parking up as we rushed to school, and a little voice said 'Ooh- whats happening mummy?!' and I said, 'Oh, probably a fair or something- we'll see'. But it wasn't. (The little voice also expressed some concern about said vans flattening the daisies, but I assured her that they would grow back). There were more vans arriving that afternoon, and by Thursday the Big Top was taking place.
We get a circus on the green every now and then, a travelling one, and I'm afraid that I have avoided them up until now. My reasons? I'm really not sure, but it isn't something that I instinctivey want to go to. I've tried to work these thoughts out though, because my reaction has surprised me, and I'm usually an open-minded creature. (Because this is a blog for my own ramblings, we'll start with those thought before I get to the review). Lets have a go:

1) Fast food vans- I had food poisoning (perhaps more realistically a sickness bug?!) after a school fair once, when I was young, and I'll never forget it. I still can't seem to trust them (and get uneasy around hotdogs), which means I don't like to eat at fairs and open air events. Truths.

2) I don't get the excitement. My mum is suspiscious of fairs, circuses, carousels and doesn't like them. So we didn't grow up with them, (no hardship really), and I didn't taste my first toffee apple or candy floss until I'd left home (nevermind). Who knows why she was uneasy? I'm still a little afraid of her, so I won't be asking. Perhaps I've inherited her concerns.

3) Everything is expensive, and theres alot to buy.

4) I don't like clowns much- I get a little freaked, and I feel like I'll cringe at the humour.

5) People can steal stuff from you! Something I also remember being warned- that pickpockets targeted places like these where there was likely lots of pocket money and crowds... call us cynics...

... so what's the attraction?...

I went to the circus once as a child, at my Grandad's organisation- he was absolutely thrilled that The Moscow State Circus would be nearby, and took us as his treat. It was quite rebellious, seeing as his daughter had no warm feelings towards circuses (see above)! What do I remember of it? You may ask. Not alot. Close to nothing. I have a terrible memory, but this particular piece of forgetfulness troubles me: I wasn't teeny tiny, so should be able to recall it, but I really couldn't tell you what acts I saw, and I know how important it was to him, and how he must have loved the thought of it, planned the day and looked forward to its arrival... and how I feel like I have clearly failed to appreciate his efforts, by forgetting all that I saw! 

I remember him holding my little hand in his big gentle one at the ticket kiosk, and climbing up to near the top of the Big Top, and wearing a purse with a string, which he and Gran had brought me back from their holidays, containing a pen with my name on. I can still see it- it was sort of rectangular, with rounded corners, and two little black poppers on a fold down lid, which I liked to think were its eyes. (Don't you just love Grandparent-Gifts, this is so Grandparenty, and it makes me smile. Whats more Grandparenty, is that my sister had the same gifts, except mine were in blue, and hers were in red). 

I was twirling the purse around and around, then leaning forward and spinning it the other way so it would rush back, anti-clockwise, (which was all Much Fun) when suddenly, out of the gap in the top of the purse (which was either upside down or spinning), my little pen fell downwards, between the benchy seats, and the scaffoldy stuff that they were attached to, and landed somewhere unknown, where I couldn't see. I was mortified- because I loved the little pen, and because I loved my Grandparents and knew they would be sad, potentially angry, and because it was lost, never to be found.

After the initial 'You're always fiddling and getting into trouble' comments, which are naturally bestowed upon the youngest, (and yes, I am proud of this trait), my dad did a Dad Thing, and missed part of the show, to rush downwards to the bottom of the tent, to carefully slide through a flap when nobody was looking, and search for my pen on the grass below. Which he found. Hurrah! Here ends the memory of my trip to the circus. What did I see? Dunno. But I got all the vitals there, I think you'll agree.

*********************************

So, as there was no escape from the fact that the circus was in town, and as the children had been talking about it in Pickle Missy's class, (so had the parents- nothing like peer pressure!) I put my prejudices aside and took the plunge. We sat with a little friend of Pickle Missy's, and her Mummy. I was concerned about the expense, and was doing my best to fit in with the other parents, nodding in agreement over how reasonable the price was. It kinda was reasonable, but its not the sort of money I have to hand usually. While we were queueing for tickets, somebody gave me a spare voucher of theirs which got me a discount. Happy Bunny.

I was worried about Little Guy's concentration behaviour, and in truth it was a fair concern because he was quite unsettled after the interval, but for the most part, aside from wanting to buy everything that the clowns walked past with before the show, and needing food and drink that I had vetoed (we bought treats from the corner shop to take with us- sssh- don't tell!), he wasn't too bad to manage.

Pickle Missy on the other hand, displayed a little bit of the 'wanties', as her friend had been bought an assortment of goodies from around the tent, but she was quite easily distracted, and became transfixed, and I truly think it made her week. I had the opportunity to sit back and attempt to reminisce, but as that wasn't really working, I just watched my little girl be totally absorbed in it. She loved the twirly whirly hoop girl, and the girl who balanced lots of things in her mouth and climbed ('to the very top of the tent mummy- I think she can really do it!!'), and the guy who climbed an unsupported ladder, and the trampoliney people, and the cops and robbers, and her favourite thing of all was 'the clown that was very naughty all the way through, but was good in the end'. Worth the visit to see their little faces, I can assure you. I can only hope that my family saw that wonder in my eyes when they were sweet enough to treat me too.

All three children were inspired to climb on things, and balance and get into mischief after the show, but thankfully none of them expressed an interest in throwing knifes at each other.

xxx

Age is just a number, but

I have six months a little over half a year until I leave my Twenties (the latter sounds like longer- so I'll go with that). I'm not sure I like this. I'm pretty sure I don't like this. Oh- its weird. I've always looked quite young, I still get IDd (and did before the 'challenge if you suspect they may be under 25' thingy), yet the thought of actually getting older in number worries me. I was the only one of my friends who was actually old enough to see the '12' when we went to see Mrs. Doubtfire- and the only one that they suspected was underage. I've got used to comments about my young-ness, and people passing judgement about me being a 'young single mum' etc. I got IDd with a 37 year old last year, who was buying wine in Marks and Spencers, because I happened to be with him. So yeah, I look young. 

  Sporting the Obligatory-Allotment-Pigtails. 

17? Try 26...

I feel young-ish too. I have clear memories of what it feels like to be 3, 6, 10, 15, 18, 21- because of significant things that happened at these times (be they 'A' level celebrations or the receipt of a Superted pencil case for my Birthday- all vital milestones!) But beyond 15, I didn't feel like I aged... and that was half a lifetime ago. I was a girl getting married and having babies and making houses, in her twenties who definately felt as though she was no older than 15. I didn't feel I'd learnt, or changed or grown. I was not immature, but young at heart- I was wearing mittens and bouncing, pulling silly faces and loving the swings. Well I still do these things if I'm honest.

 Being little.

Just recently, because I suppose I'm looking back on the twenties and all of the things that have happened, and all of the things that I wish I'd done, I've realised that inside, I am 29- I have definately had my fair share of 29 years of life- so much has happened. And physically- I cannot expect to drink so much cider without the side effects any more! And I need to accept that I will have to exercise to keep trim, after years of sporting the 'in need of a hot-dinner' look without trying. I still suffer witha couple of health issues after the birth of my children, and I ache badly, have cold hands and feet a lot, and get coughs, colds and headaches, because I can't expect to cope so well without sleep as I once did. Oh I realise I'm not an old lady by any means- but I make no apologies for stating that physically, I am no longer a spring chicken. I think this comes from years of not taking care of myself and my diet, and spending too much energy on people that aren't myself, and worrying far too much... about fair enough things, but it takes its toll.

 At one of my skinniest and saddest (and 

just out of the shower- please excuse the hair!)- with the 

whole world on my mind.

I am not particularly depressed, so please don't mis-judge the tone of this! But I do need to turn things around- I need to make actual effort to enter my thirties proud and happy. I'm really getting there, I think in a sense it would be a very good idea to leave my twenties behind! To be frank, the bad stuff that happened totally mars the good in my eyes. I really want to say 'I came out brighter- and look what else I achieved...' (I'll do that list of good-twenties-moments another time) but really, my twenties were pretty terrible- so in a way, I finish them cheerfully, and in a reasonable position to enter the next stage of my life, simply because I've lived through so much emotionally. If I was any older, my hair would have turned white in the process!
But hey, here I am, not naieve enough to think that I've had all of my bad luck and unhappiness now, ofcourse life will have its challenges and unpleasant surprises, but strong enough to want to say 'come on thirties- I'm ready!'

Snuggles with my Little Guy, feeling strong.

I want to do something between now and then- I'm not going to make an unachievable list- I don't have the money to travel, much as I ache to do it, and I don't have the strength or the time to train for something like a marathon, but I probably need a couple of goals- say one-a-month for six months? Things that will remind me of 'that nice time, in the run up to my thirties'. If you don't mind, I'm going to ask for more advice nearer the birthday, but for now, with the list of goals, between now and September, this is where you come in- any ideas?...

xxx

Things to remember, Part 1

You know the kind- things that children say and do, that you want to be able to recall, with clarity, forever...

Plomp-shoes          Plimsoles

♫ Bear Boys (are always eating marmite) ♫

(Have a listen- it really does sound like that!)

OgHurt                   Yoghurt

Ber-na-naaa-na     Banana

Cornflake                Snowflake 

(and while we're on the subject...)

'Mummy, its snowinger and snowinger!'

'A long long time ago, when I was four...'

'I'm wearing my poppy to remember soldiers who work
hard and get very hurt, and their horses too.'

Noodles                  Toggles

Pelt Fits                   Felt Tips

Brep-puss                Breakfast

'For my wedding, the bridemaids and the bride will have red shoes. 

Can you remind me incase I forget? And any boys will be in blue shoes'.

Pinking-Dress          Pinafore Dress

(After a visit to watch a Royal procession):... 'We didn''t 

see a Queen or a Princess- we just saw an old man.'

'My tummy is saying rahh rahh RAhh! I think its hungry.'

♫ 'She's so lubberly' ♫

'Good Morning Mummy-Bunny'.

...And sometimes we're lucky enough to have some moments on film too. 


xxx

Questions

I am asking myself questions today- its what I do when I have nervous energy, and free time! Some rhetorical, others things that I need to decide, and some, that finding the answer will make no difference to!

Why am I nervous about today's playdate?

Why did it take me so long to work out why the time on my posts wasn't right? It wasn't set to London GMT. If only I was actually living in the Carribbean!

How come when one gets better, the other gets ill. At-the-same-time is the way to go, Little People...

What do I replace the 'void' with, that was The Tudors, series 1, 2 and 3, which were on the Vision Box. I have LOVED them! I have no actual tv... and nothing I've been watching has come close, and the final series is not yet forthcoming on the iPlayer- so what now?!

Why are raspberries so flippin' expensive out-of-season? I can only walk past without buying for a certain amount of time, and they're not the easiest of things to grow in a paved courtyard!

How do I get to know a couple of these school-parents better? I'll deal with this issue in another post- I have lots of long sentences to write!

Why do I put off phonecalls... and paperwork?

Should I spend extra Christmas Boots vouchers (loads left over) on more Soap and Glory bath bubbles etc (Clean, Girls), as I'm running out, or use probably the whole lot on the Kate Moss perfume?

How do I decide whether the holidays I've been invited on are the right ones for the children, and which is best, and how do I make sure I can afford them?

Should I finally admit to myself that I need a payrise? Its been a few years...and should I start to approach those that it will effect?

How do I convince myself to sit down and sort out something that is overdue being sorted? In this particular case, I'll be better off financially once I do, although its confrontational- but thats not my fault, and its got to be done.

Why am I not particularly panicky about my son's recent referral, and why am I not more worried when he has his episodes? I seem to be totally in control of myself, and my instinct has proved to be right... but would you believe that I'm reproaching myself for not 'caring' more through panic?

Is it ok to buy a bunch of daffodils every week? If I was to do it all through the year, that would be about £52, but these are seasonal, and they make us smile. I may have answered my own question here!...

Whats with my recent 'spot' obsession?! If anything for the home needs to be bought, it has spots! I'll illustrate this for you some day. I really must have dots on the brain.

************************************************

I hope that whatever questions you have buzzing around your head aren't bothering you! Mine are pretty ok actually- I'm used to a busy mind, I just need to learn to put a lid on it at night. Some questions give me the focus I need though. Good questions!



xxx

The Flicks.

I have a confession. I'm gonna say something contraversial: I don't 'do' films. There- done. Relief! I have the sheepish look of somebody who doesn't conform now. I don't have piles to the ceiling of DVDs, and I rarely go to the cinema because of babysitting (or lack-of) and cost. I don't find that I have the patience to sit in front of films at home (until recent desperation- please see below!)- I find myself thinking 'I really should finish my laundry' in the dramatic bits... which, by the way, I quite often fail to take seriously. I laugh in all the wrong places.
I don't really get 'epics'-I'm not really a Lord Of The Rings girl, although I really didn't mind it, but it didn't grab me massively.  I have used hours of my life on films that I wouldn't have minded missing!  The guy who I saw Avatar with said to me, by way of justifying the choice of film, 'the special effects are amazing, and its the most thats ever been spent on a movie'. (Is that really a good thing?!)
I find my film apetite is a fussy one, and in the same way that I feel I can't really 'join in' with the cafe culture, as I don't drink coffee, I cannot discourse over the merits of the latest Brad Pitt movie, because, I likely haven't seen it, and I likely don't really have an opinion once I do. It has been taken as a challenge, by various men-folk of my past, to 'educate' me due to films that are so far missing from my life. Have I shocked you yet, lovely Blogland residents? I hope not!

I'm not totally devoid of the film-loving gene. Its difficult to describe what I like, but they have to make you think, and get you involved emotionally, and leave you with 'that buzz'. I love real stories, or films that feel as though they are. I've spent more time watching DVDs in recent months, than at any other time in my life. I've been fortunate enough to discover some real gems, through the reccomendations of others, the kindness of my fella and his family in lending me things, impulse buys at the supermarket, of things that are reduced to £3, and sheer boredom... because I have no 'live' TV, and haven't done since September. Its a long and boring Virgin/Sky/ BT saga, but I have a box, to catch various updates and replays (much like the iPlayer, and god, am I loving The Tudors?!) but its not at all exhaustive... I never used it much, but I miss my telly... sigh.

So, anyhow, having spent time thinking about films in the last 4 months, and persevering through my lack of filmy thirst, I have realised that there are actors and actresses that I love (Tom Hanks, Keira Knightly) films I *want* to see (Breakfast at Tiffany's, Singin in the Rain, the new Pirates of the Carribean one), and films that I would see again and again: Shakespeare In Love, Ray, The Sound of Music (there is no real explanation- but does it need one?!) Atonement, Love Actually, The Green Mile, The Shawshank Redemption... and THIS one, the one that I saw yesterday.

Oooh, it got me. It has it all. Historical drama, real people from your lifetime that have genuinely fascinating lives, and an amazing soundtrack that made me want to return to my pre-baby days of Orchestra rehearsals. Dyou know what made it even better?

A very old fashioned cinema trip. There were red paper-stubb-tickets, and a cosy velvet seat, and a balcony, and 3 (yes, three) friendly staff on hand at reception (who didn't accept card payments- oops!), and gold- framed pictures on the walls like this

(Isn't she beautiful?) and this

Ahhh, and this, which my fella and I were only talking about the other day

and of course, lets not leave them out:

I realised that I like the cinema afterall! I have two lovely cinema-related memories from my past, now I come to think about it. One was in Cornwall, some time in the mid-'80s, going to see a My Little Pony film with my sister, and my dad's family. Now, I have a terrible memory, and I was rather small, but I REALLY want to believe that my dear Granny came with us, and that we got free cardboard 'ponies' afterwards, and you could put your fingers through the holes to make little trotting legs. All in my imagination? Probably. The second memory was taking my Grandad, on my mum's side, to see The Flintstones Movie, as he was a fan of the cartoon (great taste, my family!), and he said it was the first time he had been to The Flicks since, he thought, the '60s. He was a very happy man that day. And now I have a very happy thought for the rest of the day, and could even be persuaded into typing one of these for the end of my post, in a very text-like fashion

                :)



xxx