Sometimes..

God really does send us miracles..Last night, I was talking to my mom and just basically broke down. I was just sobbing. Like, unable to catch my breath crying.  I'm not able to be 100% serious w/DH when he calls, because I don't want him to get *too* concerned about whats going on at home..By money-wise, we are struggling until I get paid next Friday, and last night, just all my concerned came tumbling out. About how he will be when he gets back, will they completely break him? Will I loose my husband? Will he be this "machine?" How much can 1 person take? I know I couldn't take being demeaned for 5 months..I just, I'm worried. And I don't talk to him about this on the phone. I kind of talked about it when he was home..But, like I said, I don't want to stress him. But anyway, I told my mom that money is my biggest worry right now. I paid down quite a few bills completely forgetting that TOMORROW is October 1st..Ugh. So things are tight. So I said all that to say this. My dad came into the office today (mind you, my mom and dad live about 25 minutes away from my work.) So I asked him what he was doing on that side of town and he said he was just out and about and wanted to bring me my mail. So I thanked him, and we talked, and he gave me a pep talk, and he left. As I was checking my mail at home, I came across a blank envelope..that had $400 in it!! OMG. I thought he had given me the wrong stuff. So I called him and asked about it and he told me that he didn't want me stressing out his granddaughter. That my mom had called him last night and told him she was worried about me stressing too much (she's been in TN this week) and apparently he figured I could use some money. And he was SO right. But he told me "I didn't tell your mom, she'd spaz" which is true and then he said "well it's my money and I can do whatever I want w/it. " LOL. I was just flabbergasted. My parents have never given me money, no strings attached (which I think is fine). And if they do, I always pay them back. This money came w/a no payback clause and no strings attached. I couldn't hold back the tears again (for the 20 hundreth time this week). I told him he had no idea what this meant to me. I am beyond words. I am so grateful, and I know he didn't have to do this. And he also knows I would have refused it if he hadn't "snuck" it in. Amazing. I am blessed beyond measure.

The 2nd Week

This week seems to be harder..I don't know why. I've been very emotional, up and down, all day long. I really miss him. I can't explain why it seems more difficult. The days just seem longer, the nights, longer still. I'm functioning on about 3 hours of sleep a night. Oh and you know when I get blue like this, I worry about baby girl. I hope she's okay in there (she was fine yesterday at my appointment..moving around, hb was 154, perfect.) But you know me, worst case scenario barbie. Sorry to be so whiney, I just don't really have anyone to talk to. Oh, and to top it all off, DH came home last weekend w/another list of things he needs for the academy..We've already spent about $500 plus the $200 last weekend..Which isn't being reimbursed nor is he getting paid til October 13th..After we pay rent this week, I'll have $27. Twenty Seven Dollars. Wow. Hopefully our renting company will work w/me once I explain what is going on. I get paid next Friday, and then I'll be okay, but that is a hard number to look at. We had money saved, until he needed extra money for the academy, plus paying all of our bills. And that money, is if I don't need ANYTHING else. I just don't know. I'm just super down. Can't wait til he gets paid. Our 2nd Anniversary is the 4th, and I was hoping to do something fun..lol.. Not so much. We'll just have to do something after he gets paid. Ugh. Mid-October can't come soon enough.

Go Colts!!

So I'm going to be very brave..Don't be too mean..lol

 Best gift we've gotten so far...So cute..can't wait for her to use them. I'm taking them to the hospital..Yep, in March..lol..It's Colt's season year round!!

Here's me & the belly head on and a side view..Oh goodness...See, she's a Colts fan already (17wk4d) I look hoooooooge!!!

Just Real Quick

So go over and visit Wifey she got a huge surprise..and could really use some support..Also, my dearest Melissa had a great OB appt. but has some questions about Lovenox and seeing a hematologist, go give her love and maybe help w/her questions..

My DH got home last night..Oh my goodness..He was only gone for a week..but he is so different. It took awhile for him to get back into the groove of being home. My mom told me that when my dad went to the academy, he'd come home like he was mister big stuff, and she'd have to knock him down a few notches and remind him that he wasn't w/ "the guys." Ditto. He's tried to talk me to like I'm below him, bahahaha!!! Let me tell you how that went. I have very nicely (and without violence, so far) explained I am his wife, carrying his child and if he talks to me like that again, he won't like the consequences. Seemed to work =) He's lost about 10lbs, gained some solid muscle, looks so, so, so hot. Seriously. I'll have to take a picture. While his belly is getting smaller, mine continues to grow. Lol. Maybe I'll find the courage to post a belly shot, covered of course, but hmm..I just get so superstitious..I haven't taken any since 13wks (when the doctor had trouble finding the HB). But more on that in a second. I'm just so glad he is home, and so is Allie. At first, she wasn't sure who he was, now, she will not leave him alone. Plus, she guards me from him. Like she's not just too dead sure that he needs to be close to me. It's hilarious and frustrates E. I really have taken the little things for granted. A few times last night, I woke up and checked to make sure it really was him. And as much as he takes up way more then half of his side of the bed, it was good to have him there. We went out for dinner last night and just talked and talked, and it's funny because I feel like my "stuff" is so boring compared to what he is going through, and he said he loved hearing all the day-to-day stuff because he is basically living in a bubble. He hasn't heard or seen the news since last Sunday, or watched TV. Oh my goodness. I couldn't do it. He had no idea about the field fires we've been having, or the 2 moms that killed 2 of their children this week (wtf!?) or the huge apartment fires we've had here. It's just so weird catching him up on stuff, because it's just everyday life to me, whereas he is in military style training..And part of me gets angry and hurts for him because the state police really take things far. And I know it's for a good cause, but I think it is good that he doesn't come home every night because I don't know that I could handle it. I know I'd want him to quit. But seeing him at the end of each week and knowing he is okay, is good for me.

Okay, thats all for now. I'll update more later =)

PS: Oh yeah, so tell me if you think this idea is cheesy or not. So my fingers are already getting to the swollen-esque stag, esp. late at night and I do not want to have to get my wedding rings cut off if my fingers do get too swollen. So we were thinking of getting me a set of rings to wear for the rest of the pregnancy..That aren't gaudy and look real, but aren't. Cheesy or okay?

In Love All Over Again

My husband is home..and our baby moved when she heard his voice..It was pretty surreal..More on all of this later!!!

I Think I Might Be Hormonal...

Things are just pissing me off, making me cry, so easily. Stuff that I might be able to brush off most of the time, I just can't get my shit together. Let me give you some situations...And sorry for the venting lately, I just don't have anyone to talk to right now and the dog doesn't give such good advice..though she is quite the listener =)

• So my SIL (and anyone who is following along knows our relationship is, um, rocky) emails me on Tuesday and asks how things are and if I've heard from E. I hadn't heard from him in 2 days, and I told her so, and I told her how things were/are going (I'm not sleeping, I'm worried, I miss him, etc) and told her that when I heard from him, I'd ask him to call his mom and update her and how he was doing. Her response..."Well you know, I know what your going through because C (her fiance) works 12hrs a day 2-3 months out of the year...." And she went on for 2 paragraphs about how hard her life is. Insert gaping pause here. Umm..where do I even begin? Let me start my saying I did not write her back, nor have I updated her on how E is. I absolutely understand about being apart from your husband for 12 fucking hours!! This is my work schedule every.single.day. And not for 2-3 months of the year, but for the last 3 years!!! And it absolutely does not compare, in any way to not SEEING my husband (or even being able to talk him) for a week at a time. What I wouldn't give if he only had to go to the academy for 12hrs a day, and he got to come home and sleep in the same bed as me. Or have dinner w/me. Am I being crazy? Or does she just make everything all about her?!?! She's is not from planet Earth. She's from planet "all about my shit." I was hurt, and pissed. Haven't talked to her since. Oh, and she keeps putting up all of these waaaaay TMI FB status updates..Yuck. (I know, who am i to talk about TMI, I do it constantly, but here, on my PRIVATE blog, not on public FB, gah)
• Bills. We got em. I owe quite a bit of money to hospitals from my 2 ER visits this year, and my surgery and it just feels kind of like the world is closing in money wise. E doesn't get his first paycheck til Oct. 13th..and it's just like, whoa, 1 income is tough.  I just get kind of overwhelmed. E said we would figure it out this weekend, and I think I will feel better.
• Things that have made me cry/tear up today: Telling the godmother of our baby that she is going to be the godmother (she cried, I cried, it was a cry fest), my all day headache, the pharmacist telling me I'm looking really cute (good tears), my boss telling me I'm getting "pretty huge" (sad tears), seeing my mom (<-- just now thinking about that made me tear up again), looking at pics of me & DH, people being judgmental about ttc/infertility, my boobies hurting, feeling baby girl move 4 times....It was just one of those days, ya know? I thought all the high emotions were supposed to just be in the 1st trimester, obviously not. I am really sensitive to dumb shit. It's hard for me not to take everything personally. Anyone else experienced/experiencing this? Hopefully it's not just me. 

Okay...now I'm gonna go watch tv, which will probably make me cry, lol. Love you all!!

3 Days Down

2 nights to go..So here's an update in bulleted formation =)

• Thank you so, SO much for your support and love. I was just infuriated by that book and the "advice" that came w/it. It was so good to hear that I'm not crazy, and that I had every right to be shitty. Also, your support while DH is gone, is wonderful. Thank you!!
• My Moo-Moo lost her first tooth!! Oh my goodness. She's "officially" not a baby anymore. She called me on the phone and we had a full 20 minute conversation. She spent the weekend w/us last weekend, she is amazingly smart, and such a stinker. She looks so grown up. She must've grown 2 inches since we last saw her.
• I'm kind of in freak out mode, and for no reason, as usual. I think I felt Froggette move a few times, but it's just been quick, and like a heaviness that moves around. I haven't felt her at all today. And I know it's early, but I don't have anything else to go by. Maybe I should get a doppler..I may go to Dr. F's in the morning and hear the heartbeat..he's pretty awesome about that, he lets me come in whenever I want to hear the HB. Pretty rad. I don't think I can wait until Monday afternoon. I have no cramping (except the round ligament pain, that's no fun) and absolutely no bleeding. So I'm freaking out for nothing. I just want to hear her HB whenever I can. Just to "make sure". Ugh. I don't think I'll ever be able to just fully exhale and enjoy being pregnant. 
• I miss my husband something terrible. And I can't believe we ever were serious about seperating. I couldn't go through that now. I love him so much. I can't wait to see him Friday night.
• I'm 17wks today!! Can you believe that!? I can't. That means we'll be at the halfway point in 3 weeks!! WHOA!!!

Okay, that's all. I'm gonna try to get some sleep (yeah, right). Love you all!!

So Peeved

So this may be offensive to some of you, so if you come here just to leave insults or anything, continue on your way. This is my blog and my thoughts, and you can leave how you feel or think, but don't insult me.

Okay, so we have a patient at the office who is visually impaired and actually had my mom as her teacher in high school..She has 3 stair step children..she has NEVER had a miscarriage or trouble conceiving. Her husband is pizza delivery man, she does not work. They live off the governments hand-outs and anything else free they can get. I don't judge them, it's just the facts. She believes in long term breastfeeding (child-led weaning) which she tells me she would have continued if it weren't for the back-to-back pregnancies. She believes in the "quiver-full" movement. Basically, in the Bible (the old testament) there is a scripture that talks about having a "quiver-full" of children. I think this is part of what the Duggars believe (the 19 kids and counting family). She and her husband believe that they will keep having children until God tells them to stop. Fine. Do that. But 1) don't look down on people who only want as many children as they can afford to give a good home too and 2) don't try to tell me how I need to "pray the infertility away."

She brought a book to me in the office last week called "Christ Centered Childbirth." Which I thought would be pretty awesome, like a daily affirmations type of thing. Uh, not so much. I am Christian. I will tell anyone who will listen. But, I am not going to tell you how to go about getting pregnant, adopting, or birthing your child. This book did. This book, that she gave me, knowing about our 5 miscarriages, and the heartache we have had getting pregnant, did that. The first part of the book talks about the miracle of life, getting pregnant. And it goes on to say that we should not go about trying to play God by looking at other ways to becoming parents. And that infertility or trouble getting pregnant is a "fault" issue. As in, we are at fault because I couldn't stay pregnant. And it said that I will have to "reconcile with God" at the end of days because we sought out "mans help" instead of just praying that the m/c would stop. You have no idea how much we prayed, screamed, cried, we're on our knees begging God for a baby. I begged God not to take one more baby from me, to not let me go through another miscarriage. I prayed to die after our last miscarriage because I didn't know if I could survive it. So don't tell me that because we finally found a doctor that can help us, that I will have to reconcile that with God. God knows. And God sent us Dr. J, and then sent us this beautiful, gorgeous creation, our daughter. And God put us through those 5 miscarriages for a reason (though I'm not entirely sure why yet). Also, if God didn't want us to find Dr. J, why did he put him right in front of us? Why did he make RE's and specialists? Hmm..doesn't say anything about that in the book. And since my parents sought out adoption as a way to become parents, will they also have to "reconcile" that with God? I'm pretty sure he sent me to them. How dare these people judge ANYONE who has trouble having babies. That was the end of the book for me..or so I thought. Until I opened it to the "birthing alternatives." Oh jeez. Now, again, this is my opinion..But I will be using medical interventions to control the pain. I have a low pain tolerance when it comes to things like, oh, stubbing my toe, let alone pushing a baby out of my lady-parts. Epidural? Yes please. But, that's me. I have many friends who have gone all natural, used hypnobirthing, etc. And I think that's awesome, and if I could do it, I completely would. BUT, it's not me. And I believe in using alternative techniques until I can't handle the pain. This book basically says that every intervention is wrong, including fetal monitors, sweeping the bag of waters, breaking the bag of waters, versions, epidurals, any kind of narcotic pain medication, anything except....prayer. Yep. Apparently you can pray the pain away just like we should have been able to pray away our infertility. Maybe some people do have this much self control. I am not one of them. There will be prayers. There are prayers already being said daily for this baby. For me. For my husband. But when I'm in labor, and in pain like I've never felt before, I will be using pain killers. The patient doesn't come back for another 2 weeks, and when I hand her the book back, I will be telling her that I was actually kind of insulted. And I'll ask her if she's ever read it. And tell her that I hope she never, EVER has to go through the pain we've had to endure. And I'll tell her that I cherish every symptom, every pain, every stretchmark, every worry, every tear of joy, every tear of fear, every smile on my husband's face when he looks and talks to my belly, every prayer said in our baby's name, every prayer I send to God thanking him for this miracle...and that I hope she can do the same.

1 Day Down

So last night wasn't *so* bad..I got about 4 hours of sleep..even w/3 benadryls..lol. Yes, Dr. F said it was okay, but if I can't get more then 4hrs, I'm gonna talk to Dr. F to see if there is anything else I can take. Today was okay, I'm really glad I'm working as much as I am. Keeps my mind off things. Although, there was about 40 times I wanted to call E, and I knew I couldn't, plus, he can't get texts, and we text on & off all day long. It's the weirdest thing. I only worked til 5:30 today (so proud of myself, lol) and I came home during lunch to check on Allie (she was angry, of course, spoiled dog) but we took 2 short walks and she was fine, didn't tear anything up and was watching tv when I got home. She's been great tonight, very protective, all up in my face or on me at all times. Good dog =) Last night was tough, but not unbearable. Thank you for all of your advice and support. It means the world. I guess I should be used to this, since my dad was/is a cop, and worked night shift for a good part of my life, but it affects me differently as a wife then it did as a daughter. My mom and I have had many "pep talks" getting me ready for this, and how to deal w/it. I think it will get easier. I just want to get through these first few weeks. Then, I think it will be okay.

It's weird, but it's the small things that I didn't realize I would miss the most. Like watching tv & eating dinner together. Like, every Monday, we watch wrestling (I know) and it just cracks us up. Plus, they are in Indy tonight, and we had planned to go..but what he is doing is so much more important. I think I took advantage of how easily I could just call him or text him when something was funny or when I was upset. Plus, I don't know if it's just pregnancy, or him being gone, but I am uber emotional. I cried when I saw Indy on tv, lol, dumb. But, as used to this as I need to get, I am so ready to see him!!

I think I felt the baby move today, and a couple times this weekend. But it happens so fast, and never twice in a row, so I'm not sure. I can't wait til I "know" that she is dancing around in there.

Okay, off to finish watching wrestling and then to bed =)

I Sent My Husband Away Today..

And it was so much harder then I expected. He started the ISP academy..I know this is going to be such a wonderful thing, and at the end of it, he will be a sworn officer..his biggest dream. So I know I have to be supportive, but I've been able to live in denial for the last few weeks, because he was here and it was easy to pretend that he was never going to have to leave. But last night, as I'm listening to him sleep, I realized, for the next 5.5 months, I'll only hear that sound 8 nights a month. I'll only be spending 48 hours with him. And my heart hurt. And right now, it feels like it might just break in half. I already miss him so much. And as of now, I don't know when we'll see each other again. It might be this weekend, it might be in 2 weeks. And will he be able to call me or email me? I don't know. I also know that he is going to be in pain from the PT, and people will be yelling at him, and this is just going to be really, really hard. Especially these first few weeks. And I know he wants this, and that he will do fantastic, but the wife in me doesn't want anyone hurting him. Plus, I think of all the little things he does for me, and how I sleep better knowing I've got him. And this morning, he couldn't hold back his tears, and you know men, most of them don't cry..I've only seen him do it like 3 other times...It was hard to hold my shit together, but I did. I walked him out, helped him pack the last few things, watched him drive away..and then cried on our sidewalk, in my jammies. I don't even want to be around anyone today. Im so emotional. Ugh. This is gonna be tough.

Here She Is (Rated PG)

         

In this picture you can see her sucking her thumb =)

Here she is "dancing" (see her arms? they moved up and down during the whole u/s)

 I couldn't tell until the nurse told us, but you can see her spine, and her bottom and right there, where there should be "something" if she was a boy, is nothing, since she is a girl.

Here, she was pulling on her cord, it looks like she has daddy's nose, yay!!

It's A....

GIRL!!!!

I am still in shock..No one was more surprised then me when the nurse told us that..E just looked at me and said "I told you so." I cannot believe it. I'm going to have a daughter!! OMG!!! The u/s was AMAZING in 3-d (will post pics soon) and she was moving so much, it was insane. And so weird that the only time I can feel her is when she stomps on my bladder...which she does quite often. My dad surprised me and came w/my mom, so it was pretty rad to have everyone there. I really cried when they did the 3-d because all of the sudden, this pregnancy, this baby, became real to me. Like, I think I even exhaled a little bit (for the first time in 16 weeks). It was amazing. I cannot believe I'm going to have a little girl!!!

The Countdown Is On!!!

Ugh

So for the last few nights I've been having this really bad coughing episodes (involving dry heaving and gasping for breath) that I figured were just related to my horrible allergies. Fast forward to last night from 9pm-4am. Coughed for that long, my throat was so raw, I did 4 nebulizer treatments, had a migraine so bad I couldn't open my eyes + a fever. I figured I needed to call Dr. F. Good thing I did..Bronchitis and URTI. Mmm, I'm so lucky.Gah. Oh well, he said not to go back to work til Wednesday at the earliest..got to hear froggy's HB (160bpm, so that's 180, 174, 160, for the record, girl?) We find out on Thursday (I still say boy all the way.) I can't wait. But for now, I'm going to try and go catch up on my sleep.

We Remember..

We remember the day that NYC's skyline changed forever

 We remember the horror of watching not one by 2 planes, purposely hit those buildings..Then the horror of hearing that 2 other planes had crashed, and not by accident, involved in the same terrorist attack. My heart still skips a beat everytime I think about that morning.

I was a freshman in college. I always turned on the weather channel to see what to wear etc (because you never know what is going to happen in September in Indiana). I left to go take my shower, and literally, walked back in as the 2nd plane was hitting tower 2. It was surreal, I literally sat down in the middle of the floor and watched. The weather channel also shows flight delays & airport cancellations (at least it used to) and it was showing every major airport being closed. I was like "what kind of weather is closing every airport?" At that moment, my roomate walked in and asked what movie I was watching..I told her I didn't know, as the 1st tower started to fall. I think it was in that moment that we realized, this was live. This was happening here, in America. I remember getting my clothes on, and just sinking on to my bed. And we cried, and we talked, for the next 10 hours. I don't remember leaving the room. I don't remember eating. I do remember talking to my mom, that she wanted me to come home, and I remember telling her "they'll bomb Indy before they bomb Terre Haute." My dad was on emergency alert, preparing to leave for NYC if he had to (he was/is a police officer, and there were rumors that they would need extra in NYC). I don't know that there are words for our feelings that day, and the weeks that followed. There were bomb threats everywhere, everyone was scared, classes were cancelled for 2 days...but everyone was together. It was like seeing what America was made of.

I distinctly remember seeing my grandpa the weekend after it had happened, my mom was taking him to a WWII reunion and we were talking at dinner, and my grandpa said "if I was more able bodied, I'd join the troops, and head overseas." He was 84 years old. My grandpa said he didn't think he'd live to see anything else like what he had seen in WWII. But he knew that America was strong, and we would make it through this. He died 1 month later. I miss him everyday. Would he be proud to see what we've become? I wonder sometimes.

I also have to say, that listening to people's stories, and remembering when this happened, and seeing the news coverage, is a completely different experience now that I'm pregnant. I know I'm over-emotional, but just thinking about having to explain this to my child, when I don't understand it myself, is daunting. And it won't just be this. I fear there will be more terror attacks, in my lifetime, in my child's lifetime. But at the same time, explaining the attacks, means explaining the heros that go after the attackers, and that's a job I'd take any day of the week .

09-11-01: Always Remember, Never Forget

15 Weeks

I don't know why this feels like such a milestone to me..But here I am, at 15 weeks pregnant. I never thought I'd get here..and in 7 days, we find out if we are having a boy or a girl!! This is all so surreal still, like, is this really me!? Are we really having a baby?! Wow!!

667

I couldn't keep my posts at 666..yep, I'm that superstitious..lol..Okay, that's all =)

Just Life

I've had like 3 posts started that I haven't finished because they bored me..and I know that means they would bore you. Everything went well at the OB appointment..He moved me to every 4 weeks!! What!? Me!? Said my weight gain is good (although my pre-preg weight..uh..was not so grand) and I've gained way less then I thought. Defn. sabotaged myself w/all the El Rodeo last week though. This weekend was pretty uneventful, but it has been SO nice to have today off. I think every week should start w/Monday off. We went to the outlet mall on Saturday..and I had to get maternity clothes. OMG. I got some basics at Motherhood (good heavens, expensive, but at the outlet, wonderful!!) I got 2 pairs of jeans, a pair of black stretchy dress pants and 4 shirts. Oh, and a bra extender (<--very cool little miracle). I didn't get any of their bras cause uh, their about 50% less at Target. And, I'm already almost an E cup. Heaven help me. Yesterday we blew some more money on stuff E needs for the academy, they never tell you how much the essentials and the not-so-essentials are going to cost. It's like sending him off to college. My wallet is feeling it. And, the kicker, he doesn't get his first paycheck til October 13th. Awesome. So yeah, almost a month on one salary. I know people do it all the time, but they are also making him pay for his evening meals, not to mention bills, etc. Had about 6 minor freak outs last week when I thought to hard about it. But I will now be in charge of all finances, so I think we can make it work, because when I need to, I save like a crazy person. Plus, his salary (when he does get paid) is going to triple. So I can't be too peeved about that. It's going to be enough that after maternity leave, I will only be going back to work 3 days a week. Rock on. Okay, I need to go make dinner. I let my blood sugar get way to low today, and I can feel it on it's way there again. Hope everyone had a great Labor Day weekend!!

PS: Thinking of Labor Day, my cousin is IN labor right now..Pretty rad =)