Happy 15th Birthday Betsey & Ross!

Betsey and Ross, May 26, 2011, when we still thought they were both healthy

15! Betsey and Ross are 15 today. Wow.

In cat years, that makes them either 77 or 82, depending on which cat years calculator you believe. Either way, they're no spring chickens, as we've discovered in the past 12 months.

12 months ago, Betsey was diagnosed with Hyperthroidism, which has been surprisingly easy to manage with Methimazole, a transdermal drug that I rub into her ear. We've been really fortunate that Betsey's had almost no side effects. Almost a year later, Betsey if pretty much back to her prissy, loving self.

Ross was diagnosed this past Tuesday with a urinary tract infection, Diabetes, and Cancer, after having lost over 25% of his body weight and developing a Mast Cell Tumor on his front left paw. He's now receiving two insulin shots per day and I'm overcoming my fear of needles. Because of his age, the location of the tumor, and after wonderfully thoughtful counsel from my cousin Andrea, a vet tech for almost 20 years, and my incredible vets, Dr. Kinnavy and Dr. Guedet who have treated Betsey and Ross for close to 10 years, and Dr. Feucht, who had to deliver the news of Ross's cancer and answer my questions through my tears, from March Animal Hospital, I've decided that we're not going to attempt to remove the tumor and will simply monitor him and keep him comfortable. Don't tell Ross he's so sick though. Aside from not having much appetite, he's acting pretty normally.

But today isn't about them being sick, it's about their birthday! And we all know how I feel about birthdays!

Betsey and Ross needed a new kitty condo, so for a mere $956 (plus shipping & handling), I purchased the Fantasia Condo below.

From PamperedPawGifts.com

They also received some cat caviar from AffordableCaviar.com. At only $250 (including shipping) for nine 4oz jars, that's quite affordable.

Cat caviar. Doesn't it look yummy?

I don't know how much longer Betsey and Ross will be around, but each day they bring me oodles and oodles of joy and I'm honored to have been their mom for 15 years.

Enjoy your 4th of July and remember why we're all celebrating today: Betsey and Ross.*

Happy Birthday 15th Betsey and Ross!

*Okay, that's not true, but don't tell Betsey and Ross. They honestly believe all the fireworks, parades, picnics, etc. are all about them. Did I mention they're cats and a little self-centered? Also, to be sure, Betsey and Ross did not receive the crazy gifts above. After all the money I've willingly given to the vet in the last six weeks, there are no birthday presents this year. They both received huge hugs and kisses as I told them I loved them.

Little Merry Sunshine's 40th Birthday Gift Registry

You may have heard the rumor: Little Merry Sunshine is turning 40 on June 16th (exactly one month from today). Much to my surprise, the rumor is, in fact, true. Our crack team of investigators has thoroughly researched the matter. They spoke to my parents, reviewed my birth certificate, looked at birth announcements in the paper, and even used a Ouija board to communicate with three of my late grandparents (the fourth having no knowledge of my existence because he died before I was born). Still in disbelief, we hired Donald Trump and his highly paid investigators (as opposed to our typical investigators who go by the names Betsey and Ross) to look into the matter.

Since I am actually turning 40, I believe the day should be celebrated in style and with the grandest gifts ever. And I've taken the luxury of providing you with a list of acceptable gifts. Stick to these and you won't go wrong.

Let's talk about the party location first though. I recommend Lichtenstein. Yes, as in the country of. Lichtenstein can be rented for a mere $70,000 per night. That doesn't include transportation to get there, but I'm sure that's just a minor expense. Please pay attention to the details here: make sure to rename the streets in my honor and issue money with my face on the bills. Oh, we'll have to make it a two night party because they rent the country for a minimum of two days.


Onto the gifts...

Cubs Fantasy Camp
It's no secret I'm a Cubs fan. In fact, pitcher Kerry Wood and I share a birthday. Do you know what every lifelong Cubs fan fantasizes about? Well, aside from the Cubs winning the World Series, we fantasize about playing for the Cubs. And thanks to the Cubs Fantasy Camp, one of my dreams can come true! Fantasy Camp includes a signed one-day contract to play with Manager Jim Hendry, batting practice with Cubs greats, live play on the diamond with a Cubs Legend as my coach, and many more perks. The 2011 Fantasy Camp was a mere $4,500, but I'm not sure what the fee for the 2012 Camp will be. I know it sounds like a lot, but it includes an overnight stay at The Westin Michigan Avenue Chicago. See? Such a deal.

Diamond and Gold Stilettos
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, then diamond stilettos, must be a girl's BFF. Well, they'd be my BFF. Without a doubt, my feet will look beyond sexy in the Eternal Borgezie Diamond Stiletto. For just about $165,000, you can keep me in high fashion for the rest of my life. What makes a pair of shoes worth $165,000? Glad you asked. They include 2,200 brilliant cut diamonds, totaling 30 carats and are handcrafted from solid gold. They even come with a 1,000 year warranty! Plus, I'm willing to spring for the weekly pedicures that will be necessary to keep my feet in tip-top shape for these shoes. I'm worth $165,000 right? I wear a size 8.

Afternoon Tea at Cliveden House in Berkshire
What could be better than capping off an afternoon in the British countryside than with a proper English tea? Afternoon Tea at The Cliveden House includes white truffles, Beluga Caviar, and Da Hong Pao Tea (a rare tea made from 1,000 year old plants), among other delicacies. We'll wash this all down with a glass of "the king of champagnes," Dom Perignon Rose. Considering the other gifts I'd like, Afternoon Tea at Cliveden House is a bargain at $900 per couple, but you'll have to get us to Great Britain too.
Ferris Bueller House or Home Alone House
It just so happens that both of these amazing homes are for sale at the moment. Coincidence? No way. The Home Alone house in Winnetka, complete with the staircase Macauley Culkin sleded down, is $2.4million. The Ferris Bueller house, located in one of Highland Park's ravines, is just $1.65million and is ideal for my budget-conscious friends (it was for sale for $2.3 million in 2009), but does not include Cameron Frye's dad's "Ferrari" (because it was up for sale a year ago and I'm assuming it was sold - maybe to someone who bought it as a 40th birthday gift for me?).

The Home Alone house

Cameron Frye's house in Ferris Bueller's Day Off

I promise to act completely surprised when I unwrap all of these wonderful gifts.

Just What Betsey and Ross Need . . .

A Facebook and Twitter friend of mine, Scott Cisek, posted about this new liveblogging tool for cats today. Yes. Seriously.

Cats Can Now Tweet with New Liveblogging Device
from Tech-on! via Mashable.com

Prototype liveblogging device that no respectable cat (IMHO) would ever wear. From Tech-on!

If you love your cat so much that you can’t stand to be away from it — even for a hot second — you’re in luck: Sony Computer Science Laboratories (CSL) Inc has developed a liveblogging device for Mr. Mistoffelees and friends.

This revolutionary new toy, which was created with the help of the University of Tokyo, comes all pimped out with a camera, an acceleration sensor and a GPS, which monitors kitty’s every move, translating actions like walking, eating and sleeping into tweets. Sadly, there are only 11 fixed phrases currently available (I’m guessing, “I left a lovely hairball in your sneaker” is not among them), but Sony CSL is hoping to improve Fluffy’s conversational skills soon.

The device fits easily onto the cat’s collar, so as to avoid hindering its movement, which means your cat can tweet all over the neighborhood.

We’ve seen an influx of novel Twitter functions of late: tweeting trees, tweeting beds and even tweeting cows. While the tech may seem kind of, well, silly, we could see it being of use to people besides lonely cat ladies. For instance, such a collar could be exceedingly useful for zoologists and the like.

What do you think of the tweeting cat collar? Genius or cat-astrophically ridiculous?

I just have one thing to say: Betsey and Ross have a birthday coming up (they'll be 14 in a month!) and no one (and I mean no one) better get this for them. I will mess you up if you do. The absolute last thing I want is them tweeting about how they need more love or food (believe me, they get plenty of both). No one want to hear Ross opine about civil rights for cats or how he needs to look sexy for the ladies and needs some liposuction.

Plus, seriously, someone else has a birthday in just two weeks that's more important than Betsey and Ross's. I'm just saying.

Happy Birthday Mr. President!

Happy Birthday President Obama!

I wasn't sure who to have sing to you for your big day. So I asked Beyonce, since she did such a fine job at the Inaugural Ball, and Marilyn Monroe, since she's got experience singing to the President.





I know it's a little tacky to ask you to give me a gift on your birthday, but I'm going to do it anyway. I did get two sexy starlets to sing to you afterall. Anyway, I'd really like it if you could get me healthcare for all Americans for your birthday. Thank you!

Fabulous Birthdays Through the Years

The most beautiful birthday flowers in the world.

You may have heard that today is my birthday. It's true. I'm 25. Wait, that part might not be true.

Over the years, I'm had some pretty extraordinary birthdays.

Because my birthday is in mid-June, it always fell right after school let out for the summer. Many years, we would hop on a plane on June 15th and I'd wake up at Nana's house on my birthday. I'd come downstairs for a special birthday breakfast with the whole family and then usually off to the beach. I grew up believing the only way to celebrate my birthday was to go on vacation.

My 18th birthday arrived just days after my high school graduation. Nana was in town for the big occasion and I got three of my girlfriends together and we all went into Chicago for lunch and a Wendella boat ride. It was freezing cold (even colder than it was today), overcast and windy and although we were dressed warmly, the wind still made it uncomfortable. Nana asked the Wendella folks if they had any big plastic garbage bags that we could use as rain/wind slickers. It was actually a great idea!

Janet, Cheryl, Me, and Cindy (l-r) on the Wendella Boats using plastic garbage bags to block the wind.
Yes, I gave Sally Jessy Rapheal her glasses back.

I celebrated my 20th birthday at Watervale and because this is supposedly a family blog, I can't describe the debauchery that ensued. Let's just say that it didn't hurt things at all that the Bulls had just won their first NBA Championship.

In 1992, I turned 21 with the help of my good friends Heather and Emilie, and Michael, Scottie, and the rest of the Chicago Bulls. Heather and I spent the day in Chicago at the Bulls Championship Rally in Grant Park and then window shopping on the Mag Mile. After taking the train back to Lake Forest, I drank at The Lantern for the first time. That was also the year Dave surprised me with the sterling silver pendant he made of the two of us. An incredible day.

1993 found me in Washington DC without my friends or family. I spent the day wandering around Georgetown and then watched the Bulls win Game 4 of the NBA Finals over the Phoenix Suns on a date. Of course, the Bulls went on to win their third NBA Championship days later.

I spent my 25th birthday reading the subliminal messages Michael was sending me through his stellar performance in the winning game of the Bulls 4th NBA Championship.

I turned 27 in 1998 and was in Chicago for the Bulls 6th and final NBA Championship. The night before my birthday, Christopher and I were in the stands at Wrigley Field watching Kerry Wood pitch a nailbiter and Sammy Sosa start his home run streak by hitting 3 that night as they beat the Milwaukee Brewers 6-5. On my birthday, I celebrated with a few hundred thousand of my closest friends in Grant Park as we celebrated the Bulls and witnessed the end of an era. When I arrived back in DC on the 17th, I was surprised by my friends at a party at the rooftop bar at the Hotel Washington.

When I turned 30, Dave surprised me by flying to Chicago for the weekend. My dad also came to town and when I got up that morning, my lawn was filled with 30 plastic pink flamingos! I'm sorry I don't have pictures.

And then there was today. Today was fabulous. Words can't express my gratitude for all the joy and love I felt today. I got to talk to Nana, which was the highlight of my day. I heard from friends all over the country and friends in my neighborhood. God, I love the birthday reminder on Facebook! Emails even poured in tonight from my mom's childhood friends! Local friends surprised me with many delights. And my dad started his new job today.

I have had some amazing birthdays throughout the years, but today was the best. My gratitude list is long and I'm putting my head on my pillow tonight secure in the knowledge of who I love and who loves me. Words can't begin to express how full my heart is tonight.

Thank you.

Have You Done Your Father's Day Shopping Yet?

Yes, I know that Father's Day is still almost a month away (it's June 21st for those of you who don't know). But it's never too early to plan this year's gift. You don't want to get stuck with having to buy him a Chia Pet at the last second like you did last year. It's 2009 and high time that you stopped getting your dad an ugly tie that he's humiliated wearing, but wears anyway because he loves you. Plus, you're not 7 anymore and you should be able to be more creative.

Because I like you, I'm going to help you out and let you in on the gift that I'm getting my dad this year. BUT you MUST promise not to tell him. So put up your right hand and repeat after me: "I solemnly swear I will not tell Jessica's dad what she's getting him for Father's Day 2009." Wasn't that easy? Thank you.

Thanks to Stephanie Zimmerman (aka The Fixer) over at the Sun-Times, my dad is going to be the very happy and grateful recipient of a Cardboard Deer Head! Isn't that exciting?
Straight from the website Uncommon Goods: "On the hunt for the most interesting home decor? More modern design than hunting lodge, these clever, cruelty-free cardboard deer heads are a fun way to add a trophy to your wall without having to go after Bambi's mom. Easy to assemble, the kit includes numbered cardboard sheets and detailed instructions. Made of 100% recycled cardboard in Virginia. Available in natural and white." Plus, it's only $28.00 plus shipping and handling charges of up to $24.95, depending on how fast you'd like it delivered.

I must warn you, however, that you must not be tempted to get me a bouquet of Elephant Poo Paper Roses for my birthday on June 16th. That would be a huge mistake. Huge. Mistake.

Big News! Nana Knew Me!

This is such huge wonderful news that I had to take a break from my break to share!

I try to call Nana regularly, but it's really difficult because most of the time she is asleep. When I am lucky enough to get her on the phone, she doesn't seem to know me.

But Friday was her 92nd birthday and it was important to me that I speak to her. So I've been calling multiple times a day hoping I might find her awake. Finally, late this afternoon I called and the nurses were just getting ready to take her to dinner, so she was awake. I could hear the nurse telling her she had a phone call, but for some reason, the nurse didn't tell Nana who was calling.

"Hello Nana" I said, without identifying myself. I wasn't being mean, she interrupted me before I could get the words out.

"Hi Jessie" was her immediate response. She hasn't been able to say Jessica in probably a year.

The two most beautiful words in the world.

I then told her I loved her, wished I could wrap my arms around her and hug her, and was very happy to hear her sweet voice. She didn't want to talk, so our conversation was over.

But she knew me.

For the first time all year without prodding from the nurse or my mom or me. Nana knew me.

Nana's 92nd birthday was Friday, but I received the gift.

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Blog . . .

Note: Little Merry Sunshine has been temporarily hijacked by Betsey and Ross.

This is Ross . . . .

Betsey and I don't often get to speak, but we decided that we have something to say. Our mom isn't here right now, so we thought this would be a good time to write on her blog. But PLEASE keep this a secret . . . she might not be so happy we did this.

We just want to say "thank you" to everyone for their warm birthday wishes. And the fireworks were amazing. Do you know how cool it is to have an entire country declare a holiday and throw parades and fireworks and festivals just for you?

ROSS! What are you doing with my blog?

Mom, I'm speaking. You get to talk ALL the time. This WHOLE blog is about you.

ROSS GARDNER! We need to talk. You are in BIG trouble!

Just ignore her. As I was saying, Betsey and I appreciate the cards and notes and presents and parades and fireworks. I apologize for not issuing this "thank you" sooner, but do you know how difficult it is to wrestle Little Merry Sunshine from my Mom?

Ross, REALLY, we need to talk.

MOM. Give it a rest!

Anyway, the best part of our birthday was the presents. We LOVE the presents. Betsey's favorite is the feather boa. I've never seen her race and jump around for any of the feather toys. Usually, she lets me have them all to my self - I'm quite the gymnast. But Betsey really hogs this one! I haven't been able to play with it yet. That's ok because I love the new balls I can bat around on the floor and trip my mom with when she's wearing high heels or first thing in the morning. HAHAHAHAHA! You should see that!

So thank you for making our birthday, the 4th of July, extra special!

This is Betsey . . .

Thank you Mom for all the yummy birthday treats! I love the new feather boa. It's so girly, just like me! Finally a feather toy Ross doesn't like. Yeah!

Are you both finished? First, let me say, that although I do not appreciate that you hijacked my blog, I do think it's nice that you wanted to say thank you to everyone for their presents, cards, and birthday wishes. But I think there's something you need to know. I know I've always told you that the 4th of July parades, fireworks, and festivals were all in your honor. But they're not. The 4th of July is the day that the 13 American Colonies declared their independence from England in 1776.

Betsey & Ross in unison: WHAT? You lied to us?

Yes and I'm sorry. I just wanted your birthday to be special. And I wanted you to not be afraid of the fireworks as you were on your first birthday. But don't worry, Santa IS real.

Boy are we PISSED. We will get her though. She won't sleep tonight that's for sure.

The BEST Birthday Card I Received!

As you know, my birthday was a few weeks ago. I think I've finally adjusted to now being in my "late 30's" rater than my "mid-30s".

On the Gardner side, I am the eldest of 7 grandchildren, but just barely. My cousin Andrea is two months younger than me and until Dave was born, we were it. We were doted on by everyone. It was wonderful.

All these years later, Andrea and I always exchange birthday presents and make a big deal out of each other's birthday. Usually, we're on-time about it too. Because she lives just outside of St. Louis, the celebration happens via the phone, email, and snail mail. This year, as a special treat, Andrea was in town in mid-May, about a month prior to my birthday, and we had a fantastic weekend! So when my birthday went unacknowledged, I really didn't think anything of it. My assumption was that this year, we jointly celebrated our birthdays together, albeit very early.

Imagine my surprise on Thursday when I reached into the mailbox and found a very thick card with her return address on it! Rather than thinking this this envelope was for me, I assumed it was a card for Betsey and Ross's 12th birthday yesterday. But it was for me! Hooray!

When I opened the envelope, I found a card with a picture of President Bush saying "The celebrification of a person's bornfulness is a rightitude we hold dear in this nation. Make it your bestest!" I laughed pretty hard.

And then I read Andrea's lengthy note, which I've reproduced here for you, and laughed so hard I almost had to change clothes . . .

I'm sorry I missed your birthday! I guess there's a first time for everything, right? Well, between hoping my house doesn't flood, 60-hour workweeks, school deadlines, moms who total cars, employees quitting left and right, late periods, barfing dogs, crabby husbands, the gas crisis, the rising cost of postage, and bad hair days, something was bound to slip between the cracks! If it makes you feel any better, and it should, I am celebrating your birthday this very minute by eating a birthday cake
sundae. Here's to you!

With happiness, guilt and regret . . . Happy late birthday!
Andrea

Oh my God Andrea is so funny! That was the best birthday card I received!

I almost forgot . . . the reason the card was so thick was because she also sent me 5 scratch off lottery tickets. In the interest of full disclosure, I had never seen scratch-off lottery tickets before. Once I figured out how many squares to scratch off (answer = all), I discovered that none of my tickets were winners.

Fun Gifts for Me!

I'd like one of these for my birthday please . . . because not only do I only sleep with Democrats, but you'd better be a Cubs fan too!

What I'd REALLY like is a Barack Obama garter, but it appears they don't exist (yet). In the meantime, this will do . . .

But not this one please . . . I don't want a guy feeling like he can't live up to my "super" expectations!

I Could Have Been a Macy's Convert

Some of you may know that I have had a sour relationship with Macy's since their hostile takeover of Marshall Field's two years ago. In fact, to call it "sour" would be generous. I have gone out of my way to completely avoid having anything to do with Macy's. On the rare occasions I've been forced into their stores, my experiences have been less than positive and only reinforced my belief that Macy's is the devil.

Until today.

Today, Macy's did something for me that Marshall Field's never did.

Macy's sent me a birthday card and money! (Note: My birthday is June 16th)

Well, kind of.

Macy's sent me a coupon for $10 off a minimum $30 purchase during June (in honor of my birthday - it really says that).

Of course, there's a huge paragraph of exclusions, in such small print I needed a magnifying glass to read, including purses, perfume, shoes, watches, most designer merchandise, anything on macys.com, and probably not on Frango's (it doesn't list Frango's specifically, but none of their coupons are ever good on Frango's I always learn when I try to use them and they don't specifically say they exclude Frango's).

If I'm gonna buy myself something for my birthday (and I'd prefer not to, let's be crystal clear), I'd be inclined to buy myself something pretty like a new purse. Or shoes. Or a beautiful watch. Or Frango's. But all of those are excluded.

If they'd just sent me $10 CASH at least I could have gotten 2 gallons of gas. And I might have liked them more. Damn Macy's.