Like Nana, Like Jessica

I've shared my experiences with Nana visiting me since her death here and here. She visited me again last night/today.

Background: Last night's dinner was Grandmother themed. No, it wasn't all soft foods, suitable for the denture crowd. Dinner consisted of my Grannycago's Grilled Chicken (That's my Gardner Grandma, who lived in Chicago. She hated that name, so I loved it even more.), Nana's Rice, and Christopher's YaYa's Green Beans. My dinner was heavenly and the leftovers are even better.  Doesn't this meal look divine?

About midnight, I went to sleep and had a dream about being at Nana's house with both of my parents for the last time. We were cleaning out the house to put it on the market, just as we did almost exactly 12 months ago. In my dream, we were having breakfast when in the door walks Nana. We had a lovely visit, got caught up on the last four years since her death, and then she left.

Okay, now you know the context of what I got up to today.

You should also know the following story about Nana:

About 20 years ago, when Nana was still working at NationsBank (now Bank of America), I would call her almost nightly to check in with her. Sometimes our chats were short and sometimes they were long. Nana was never a complainer, so it struck with me some concern when she began complaining in all of our calls about how much pain she was in. Every night, she would tell me how badly her feet hurt after work and she just didn't know what to do. Maybe, she would say, it was time to retire (she was almost 80). This went on for at least a couple of weeks. It was hard to hear about all the pain she was in because I was in DC and there was nothing I could do. One night, she got on the phone and just couldn't stop apologizing and telling me how embarrassed and ashamed she was, but didn't mention the pain in her feet. I didn't understand and couldn't imagine what was causing all this embarrassment and shame. Finally, she explained that as she was taking off her shoes that night, a bunch of balled up tissue paper fell out of one and she realized that both shoes had tissue paper stuffed into the toe of each shoe. Her feet were in so much pain because her size 7 triple narrow feet were essentially crammed into size 5 triple narrow shoes.

This morning, I was rushing around getting ready for work and decided that the only shoes that would work for today were some super cute black patent leather flats that also hurt my feet so badly I can barely walk by the end of the day. The things we do for fashion.

I slipped on the flats, looked down and saw what I thought was a piece of white paper towel peaking out of the top of the left shoe. I took it back off and bent down to remove the paper towel only to discover that it wasn't paper towel. It was a huge hard piece of grayish cardboard stuck in the shoes to help them keep their shape. My feet were being pinched by this cardboard.

Needless to say, I couldn't stop laughing. Like Nana, like Jessica.

Then I looked up, thanked Nana for the visit, and told her I look forward to next time.

Valentine's Day Romance Tips from Rev. Al Sharpton

It's Valentine's Day and I'm sure you can all feel love in the air. I know I can. After my birthday, Christmas, Memorial Day, Easter, Ground Hog's Day, Casmir Pulaski Day, Flag Day (aka Birthday Eve), Pi Day, National Hotdog Day, Opening Day of Major League Baseball, Susan B. Anthony's Birthday, No Housework Day, National Duran Duran Appreciation Day, Valentine's Day is my absolutely favorite holiday. (Note: Those are all real "holidays". Use the Googles. You'll find them.)

I was going to share with you my suggestions for sweeping your love off his or her feet this Valentine's Day, but then my friend Steve posted the video below on Facebook and I see that the Reverend Al Sharpton has it all covered for me.

Given how much I love politics, I'm sure you won't be surprised how many of the good Reverend's suggestions could work on me this Valentine's Day. They won't, so no one should try any of them with me, but in theory they could.

As always, if you read Little Merry Sunshine via email, please click over to the blog and watch the video.

Rev. Jesse Jackson Reads Dr. Seuss

You cannot possibly love your job as much as I love mine. How do I know? Because of what happened this morning.

I was having a meeting with one of our executive vice presidents about a serious subject matter when all of the sudden the topic of Dr. Seuss comes up. Now let's just stop right there for a second. How often are you able to weave Dr. Seuss into your serious meetings? See, that alone makes my job awesome.

I mentioned that Dr. Seuss spoke at Lake Forest College Commencement in the 1977 (thank you President Hotchkiss) and the EVP says "That's cool, but has Jesse Jackson ever done Dr. Seuss at LFC?" I had no idea what he was speaking of, so he stops and pulls up a video of Jesse Jackson reading Green Eggs and Ham on Saturday Night Live on You Tube. We spent the next five minutes laughing hysterically.

Now even if you can weave Dr. Seuss into routine work meetings, do you get to stop and watch videos? I didn't think so. And that's part of why I love my job so much.

Because I love you too, I want you to be able to enjoy how I spent part of my morning. Unfortunately, You Tube doesn't love you like I do and the embedding function on the video has been disabled. You'll have to visit You Tube to watch it. Trust me, it's worth it.

Sometimes Adults Say The Darndest Things

Do you remember Art Linkletter's Kids Say The Darndest Things? If you're over a certain age, I'm sure you do.

Well, it seems that sometimes adults say the darndest things as well. Take this clip from a recent episode of Family Feud.



Try to be a grown up and not let your morning coffee come flying out of your nose. As always, if you read LMS via email, visit the website and watch the video.

Saturday Night Live Returns to Greatness

Last night, Dana Carvey hosted Saturday Night Live. For my readers who aren't old enough to remember Dana Carvey during his Saturday Night Live heyday, he was part of the greatest SNL cast to ever grace the stage from 1986-1993. He created such characters as Hanz & Franz (with Kevin Nealon), the Church Lady, Wayne & Garth (with Mike Meyer), and did the best George H.W. Bush impression I've ever seen.

Fortunately, SNL got it right last night when they let Dana Carvey do what he does best.

Miss it? Not to worry, I've got your back. Here's the best of last night's show.

Wayne's World
Wayne and Garth reunite to predict the Oscars and (not surprisingly) have great affection for Winter's Bone.


Opening Monologue
It's okay if you didn't believe me about the 1986-1993 cast being the greatest ever because Dana Carvey will tell you himself, along with his cast member Jon Lovitz.


Church Chat
Seriously, nothing is better than watching Dana Carvey do some improv as he becomes the self-righteous Church Lady interviewing the Kardashian sisters, Snooki, and Justin Bieber. Props to Justin Bieber for making a cameo.


As always, if you read LMS via email, click here to visit the blog itself and watch the videos.

Little Merry Sunshine 3rd Annual Holiday Gift Guide

As in previous years, Little Merry Sunshine is pleased to present our annual Gift Giving Guide (click here and here for previous gift guides).

Instant Underpants
While I can see some usefulness in this product if you're in need of a quick change or if you happened to accidentally walk out of the house commando, I never want to put on a pair of wet undies. Once you soak them in water, how long does it take them to dry? I love the website's motto: "It's better to have damp underpants than no underpants at all!" Um, okay, sure.*
*Oddly enough, I could have used these on Saturday night when I took that big spill in the puddle.

Terry the Swearing Turtle
This is probably not the talking toy you want to give your kids, but it's sure to provide hours of hilarious fun for all. With 25 shocking outbursts, Terry is probably also educational. h/t to my cousin-in-law David.
Here's a video demo of Terry's foul mouth. As always, if you read LMS via email, click here to visit the site and watch the video, which is really NSFW or anyone with sensitive ears. Trust me.


Playmobil Security Checkpoint
Do you think that today's generation of kids will grow up playing TSA Agent, rather than Doctor? If you give your kids this cool Playmobil Security Checkpoint toy, they're sure to imitate their favorite TSA agent in no time! Disposable rubber gloves for the enhanced pat downs don't seem to be included.
Mr. Bacon vs Monsieur Tofu Bendie Action Figure Set
My bacon loving friends will tell you that Bacon wins hands down every time, but my vegetarian friends insist that Tofu's got it going on. With the Mr. Bacon vs. Monsieur Tofu Bendie Action Figure Set, you get to decide and it can be different every time!
Squirrel Feet Earrings & Necklace
Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but "real recycled taxidermy" squirrel feet unquestionably tell her how you really feel. There will be no question of your feelings when she eagerly and carefully unwraps the small, beautifully wrapped box on Christmas morning containing these gems. Tears will surely be involved. Plus, with Squirrel Feel Jewelry, you don't have to worry that you mistakenly bought blood diamonds. I'd like to say that no squirrels were hurt in the making of this jewelry, but I don't see the PETA seal of approval anywhere.

The Manslator
Men, do you ever wonder what your woman really means when she tells you something? You want to believe that she can be taken at face value, but sometimes you have this gut feeling there's a hidden message, right? Thanks to the Manslator*, you no longer have to wonder. No, I don't know if there's an iPhone app for this. Sorry.

*I'm including this important gift for a two reasons (in no particular order): (1) I've heard that many men failed their "woman to English" translation class in high school (not that I've ever met any) and (2) it can also be used for women to translate what men are really saying (not that it's all that complicated). Don't hate me by saying this gift is sexist. I didn't create it. I'm just letting you know it exists.

Dum English Spelling

Part of this may not be suitable for kids.

Hat tip to Rachel Maddow.

And as always, if you read Little Merry Sunshine via email where the videos don't show up, just visit the blog. You'll enjoy the laugh.

I FINALLY Understand Economics

I'm pretty smart, but frankly there are a few things in the world I don't understand. Economics is one of them. I struggled through Econ 110 in college, which, for the record, I took for fun. Don't ask. It's the rare day I understand any decisions the Fed makes and their recent decision to do some "quantitative easing" by buying $900 BILLION worth of bonds to kick start some economic growth definitely has me scratching my head as my eyes glaze over.

So imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon this fantastic video explaining the whole process. Not only is it educational, it's funny too!



Enjoy! And if you read LMS via email, click here to visit the site and watch the video.

Blago vs. Jon Stewart

In case you missed it last night, here's the complete unedited interview former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (Convicted Felon Party) did with Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. It's worth your 12 minutes.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Exclusive - Rod Blagojevich Extended Interview Pt. 1
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Exclusive - Rod Blagojevich Extended Interview Pt. 2
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Books vs. McDonald's Happy Meals!

One of my favorite things about Brad Meltzer is that he doesn't take himself too seriously. I mean, he's a New York Times Best Selling Author, MULTIPLE times, yet he's completely humble. He hasn't forgotten the "Little People" who helped him when no one knew his name. In fact, if you asked him, he'd probably tell you HE's one of the "Little People." He can also laugh at himself and he's often the first one to do the laughing. Remember the video he made in response to the critics harsh reviews of The Book of Lies (they were wrong, by the way, and not just because I'm in the book)? Or what about that April Fool's/40th Birthday prank his wife pulled just a few months ago?

Today Brad's at it again.

I'm sure you've heard about that group threatening to sue McDonald's over their Happy Meals. Brad responds below. And the kids let us know just how they feel.

Is This Really How A Man Should Smell?

On Saturday afternoon, I treated myself to Sex and the City 2 at the local theater. Don't laugh, you have your vices too. I could have dragged you with me . . .

Anyway, prior to the movie previews, this Old Spice commercial aired. I'll give it points for originality and I'll admit that I'd like a man who does all the things this handsome chap does (EXCEPT the littering part). But, for the love of God, under no circumstances should any man of mine wear Old Spice. Old Spice is what my late step-grandfather wore and I don't care what anyone says, in my opinion, it is not the fragrance of a man in his prime or of any man I want to cozy up to. But the commercial did make me laugh out loud and almost spit out my Diet Coke.



While finding the embed code, I discovered that this is part of a whole series of commercials, which are simply hysterical, but still don't make me want to snuggle with a guy who smells like Old Spice.

Funny Funny Kids

picture from Amazon.com

Are you old enough to remember Art Linkletter's House Party and the segment "Kids Say the Darndest Things"? Somehow, just letting kids be kids, they said the absolute funniest things. Although I never saw it as a kid (I'm not that old), my mom had a book of the same name and to this day, I love to sit down with it and have a great chuckle. If you've never seen Art's terrific show, I hope you'll enjoy this tribute video. (ignore the clock at the beginning)

My absolute favorite was the little girl who described her perfect man (who was a mix of a sugar daddy who let her have 22 kids and never put up a fight) and then said she wanted to be a nun when she grew up.

The fact is that this never changes. 50 years later, kids simply say the darndest and funniest things when we give them the chance.

You'll recall the story of Dave asking our Dad if he could have Herpes when he was about 8. Although I guess the funniest part of that story is our Mom's explanation of Herpes. If you haven't read the story, go read it. You'll have a great laugh.

Today I found a wonderful collection of kid-isms that I am confident you'll enjoy. Do your kids say wonderfully funny things? Feel free to share them in the comments.

"My Daddy Had A Hysterectomy" And Fun Other Things Kids Say
by the editors at ParentDish, Apr. 7, 2010

Sometimes shocking, at times embarrassing and almost always hilarious, we're never quite sure what's going to come out of our kids' mouths. ParentDish asked parents who contribute to Seed.com, AOL's Web site for freelance writers and photographers, to share the best sound bites they've heard from the younger generation.

Here are some of the howlers.

Debby Hall:

1. "My Daddy has to have a hysterectomy." (He was having hemmorhoid surgery.)

2. "Boys have a penis and girls have a china."

3. "When I die, I want to live with Jesus in his apartment."

4. "My teacher is old. She's the same as you."

5. "I love Gammy because she smells like the old days."

6. "My mom has striped hair." (Her mother has a weave in her hair.)

7. "I can have two childs because I have two testicles"

8. " Mommy, did you know that your underwear won't flush down the toilet?"

9. "When it gets dark it's because God turned out the lights so he could sleep"

10. "I like those lines on your face."

Kelsey G. Price:

1. "Mommy, Daddy's boss is a moron! That's what Daddy said!"

2. "Hello, 911? Hi, cop lady!"

3. "The teacher said I have listening problems, but I think she has problems teaching."

4. "Can I have this toy? It only costs five easy payments of $39.95."

5. "My baby sister ate my homework. She ate tomorrow's homework too."

6. "Mommy, please get off the phone, and wipe my butt!"

7. "I just wanted to see how much toilet paper would actually fit in the toilet."

8. "Hey, Dad, can you help me with my advanced mathematical scientific equations worksheet?" (This is for fifth grade?)

9. "Can I borrow the car tonight? I promise I won't hit anybody. Again."

10. "How does Santa Claus fit through the chimney? He's too fat!"


Suzanne Chalma Olive Hansen:

1. "Nana, I smell something ... I (leaning closer) think it's you."

2. "Mom, what happened to Bridget's penis? Did you leave it in your tummy?"

3. "Mommy, can I push the button on your butt?"

4. "At Sunday school I learned that God named all the animals and you know what? He got them all right!"

5. "Mom, I can't go to school today, I have the hiccups. And if I go to school with the hiccups, then all my friends will get the hiccups!

6. "Mama, how many times do I have to tell you that it's not my fault if I don't learn anything? It's the school's problem if they're not going to teach me anything!"

7. "Mom, if you let me watch TV, I will give you 10,000 bucks and a million kisses. I will EVEN give you 4,010 million hugs too, and I will tell you some jokes. How about that?"

8. "Oh, it is not human, Mom, it is a bird!" (After being told it's humid outside.)


Kelly Brooks-Bay:

1. "You are not the Easter Bunny because you smell funny and I can see your real hair coming out of your bunny head."

2. "Mommy, if those trees are naked, how come I can't see their butts."

3. "Everything is for sale, even my mom if the price is right, that is what daddy said."

4. "My face is ruined. How will I ever be chosen for American Idol? Simon will think I am hideous." (After a tiny scratch on her face.)

5. "Could I bleed to death?" (from a little girl being told about menstrual cycles.)

6. "You should always give someone a compliment, especially your teacher, even if it's a lie and she is really the wicked witch."

7. "Mom, I am feeding the bushes -- like Daddy did last night." (You can imagine what she was doing.)

8. "You can get away with the best stuff when we have a substitute teacher."

9. "Do you think my mom would notice if I packed up my twin brothers and sent them to China?"

10. "I can always tell when my teacher is mad. She gets real loud, turns red and doesn't blink."

Karyn Howard:

1. "You don't look anything like Commander Rabb on JAG. My mommy says he's hot." (Said to a gentleman in the Navy wearing his dress blues.)

2. "Wow, Grandma, my mommy said if your butt gets any bigger, you will have to put a wide load sign on it"

3. "Oh, yit!"

4. "Boy, your house smells funny. You should buy some air fresheners."

5. "My baby brother has a tiny wiggle. Mine is medium, but you should see my dad's. It's ginormous!"

6. "Can we say a prayer for my mommy? She couldn't come to church today because she had a operation so she won't have any more babies."

7. "I didn't know ladies could have a mustache. Cool!"

8. "Excuse me sir, when you toot, you are supposed to say excuse, and it's gross to do it in my face."

9. "Can you send help? My baby brother is choking, and my mommy is beating on him." (to a 911 dispatcher.)

Tina Fey & Sarah Palin are Back on Saturday Night Live!

Did you see Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live last night? As always, Tina was brilliant!

First up, the Sarah Palin Network.


Saturday Night Live wouldn't be complete without Tina Fey making an appearance on Weekend Update. So I bring you Women's News.


Brownie Husband. So wrong, but so funny.


I honestly think Tina Fey is the funniest woman around.

Enjoy!

Schoolhouse Rock: A Big F'ing Bill

Picture from The Huffington Post

I'm a huge Schoolhouse Rock fan; isn't everyone from my generation? I mean, without Schoolhouse rock, we wouldn't have memorized those important history and grammar lessons.

A lot of people are upset with Vice President Joe Biden's "big f'ing deal" comment the other day, but as Jimmy Fallon reminds us, he got that comment from Schoolhouse Rock.


h/t The Political Carnival for bringing this brilliance to my attention.

Best Compliment I've Ever Been Paid - Thanks Derek!

My friend Derek paid me the absolute nicest compliment I've ever been paid today.

Glenn Beck doesn't like me? AWESOME. I'm doing cartwheels. Seriously.

Derek, you are the best! Thank you so much for the wonderful laugh I've just enjoyed and the smile you put on my face.

Watch the video. Trust me, it's well worth it. And if you read LMS via email, come visit Little Merry Sunshine on the web.

It's A Bird! It's A Plane! It's a . . . Bra That Turns Into a Putting Green?

I know that soon you're going to think that Little Merry Sunshine is obsessed with breasts, but I assure you that is absolutely not the case.

That said, we were taken aback a few days ago when our good friend Klambity Jane sent us this bizarre story and video about a bra that turns into a putting green and golf skirt with the words "Be Quiet" on the rear that doubles as a golf flag.

I also wonder if this would be appropriate attire for any of those fun charity golf outings that I must now attend, although I'm not exactly a "keen golfing lady," so maybe not. I guess I've got about 7 months to figure that out.



Bra That Can Be Used As A Golf Putting Mat
Lingerie makers Triumph have unveiled the 'Nice Cup in Bra', which can be removed, rolled out and used as a putting mat for the keen golfing lady.
Telegraph.co.uk
By Harriet Alexander, November 11, 2009

Triumph have designed the new bra to appeal to Japan's busy golfing women.

The green corset-style garment can be removed and unrolled to create a 1.5m-long putting mat.

When the user sinks a putt into one of the cups, a built-in speaker pumps out a congratulatory "Nice shot!".

The bra also features pockets for extra golf balls and tees, and a detachable flag pin that serves as a score pencil.

The bra set comes with a skirt with the words "Be Quiet" printed on the rear, which doubles up as a flag for use on the course.

Quite how the user is supposed to do cover herself when she removes the underwear is unclear.

Twice a year, Triumph unveils a new novelty bra in Japan to highlight social trends.

The novelty bras are generally designed to raise awareness of an issue, rather than be worn regularly.

Triumph claim that the Nice Cup in Bra is a response to the growing popularity of golf among Japanese women.

In previous years the company have invented the postal bra – with pockets for letters – and a chopstick bra made from miso soup and rice bowls, with a special holder for chopsticks.

In May they unveiled the novelty husband hunter bra, which features a countdown clock that stops once an engagement ring is inserted into the mechanism, and plays Mendelssohn's "The Wedding March".

For All Those "I Gotta Have Some Wine NOW" Moments

You know when you're walking down the street and all the sudden it hits you like a ton of bricks and you realize you've simply got to have some wine? You've got the wine in hand, but then you realize you have no corkscrew. What in the world will you do?

Thanks to this instructional video, there's now an answer that even MacGyver himself could learn from.

It's not in English, but I don't think any translation or French skills are necessary.



Thanks Bergsie for the heads-up on this video!

A Superfan Explains Da Bears Loss

George Wendt of Da Bears Superfans fame appeared on ABC7 this morning and discussed yesterday's excruciating Bears loss to Cincinnati.

You'll find it at 2:07.

I've Changed My Mind: We MUST Protect Insurance Companies

After watching this moving video earlier today, I've changed my mind. I no longer support Health Care Reform and I most definitely do not support a Public Option. What was I thinking?

I mean, I appreciate that the insurance companies think for me by denying coverage for tests or procedures my doctors deem medically necessary, when I'm obviously too emotionally invested in my own illness or the illnesses of my loved ones to make rational decisions. If I make a typo in an insurance application, I should be punished for my sloppiness by denying me health insurance. And I agree wholeheartedly that children who fall of their bikes must learn that there are no free lunches or visits to the doctor's office - the cost of medical care should be deducted from their allowances.

Insurance companies are the real victims.

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

It doesn't hurt that Mad Men hottie Jon Hamm is in the video. He can come care for me anytime.

Did You Screw Up Kanye-Like?

Have you screwed up like Kanye West did the other night at the VMAs and now you've got your tail between your legs and you need to apologize? Maybe your screw up was so bad the President called you a jackass. You know you screwed up if President Obama takes a moment out of all the other stuff he's got going on to call you out on it.

You may not be too familiar with sincere heartfelt apologies. Fortunately, atom.com has come to your rescue with an apology generator.

Just click the link below, fill in the blanks, and voila! your apology will be ready for you to cut and paste onto your blog (in all caps, of course), which you can then delete from your blog 5 minutes later.

Kanye West Apology Generator

And here's my apology:

I'M SOOOOO SORRY TO SANTA CLAUS AND EASTER BUNNY FOR HUMPING THE DOG. I SPOKE TO EASTER BUNNY RIGHT AFTER. SANTA CLAUS IS VERY PHAT!!........... I'M IN THE WRONG FOR FARTING AND WHINING!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!!! I'M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT DAIRY QUEEN. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO SANTA CLAUS 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I'M A FAN OF MOUNTAIN GOATS!!! BITCHES KNOW!!! BOOOOYAAAWWWWW!!!!!! YO MAMMA! I GAVE MY BICYCLE TO TOOTH FAIRY WHEN THEY DESERVED IT... THAT'S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT CRAZY YALL, I'M JUST BEING REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!!MUCH RESPECT!!!!!

September 15, 2009

When you create your apology, please post it in the Comments section. The best apology before Friday will receive a prize from me. Of course, I get to choose the winner.