Things that amuse me, Vol. 17

Here are a few of the things that have been amusing me recently:

1. Almost every time* I log in to eBay lately (or when they send me a "tantalizing" daily e-mail trying to draw me back to their site), they suggest that I might be intensely interested in purchasing a scale model of Vin Diesel's head. No matter what I shop for. Do I have to break down and buy one just to make it go away? Is that their twisted strategy to move odd products after being listed for too long?

2. Only when your 6-year-old girl stays home from school do you get to find out exactly how lovely your 2-year-old son's head looks filled with many sparkly hair clips.

(Despite the look on his face in this picture, he couldn't be happier about the attention, or the accessorizing.)

3. I am astounded by the logic of a PR rep (for something I still haven't paid attention to, on principle**) who decided that I, like everyone else who received her e-mail, likely did not pay the proper amount of attention to it, so she forwarded it to everyone all over again within the span of a week.

Now, of course, such an annoying action is far from uncommon, and it results in many, many e-mails coming in to bloggers' inboxes every day, but where this lady goes beyond the call of duty is by including this explicit and cringe-inducing opening sentence in her followup: "I know you must get a million emails like this daily, so I wanted to resend and ensure you received the info below."

...Make that a million and one.

---

* The rest of the time, it suggests an equally creepy "Jason Statham" head.

** See that? You got your wish, lady-- I'm writing about your e-mail!

Corporate intelligence: A new Lowe

Well folks, someone has finally done it. After all these decades... well, centuries, really... a business has found a way to break through all the advertising noise, to make all the overloaded, tuned-out consumers around them sit up and take notice, to come to the table when they're called, without having to bang a drum or shout over the constant dull roar of inferior pitchmen.

You may not, nay, almost certainly have not, yet gotten to see what I am about to reveal to you, as I am one of the elite few privy to the rare, twice-daily, special messages from the ritziest of the insanely enormous home-improvement stores, Lowes, a store in which I can't particularly remember the last time I thought about setting foot.

I, as a presumably-now-part-owner of "MyLowes", was just offered the once-in-a-lifetime chance to... wait for it... Get a SNEAK PEEK at their NEW COMMERCIAL!!!

Who wants to wait in line with the common horde for the chance to evaluate Lowes' latest evaluation of their own product offerings and pricing, when can't-miss line-jumping opportunities like this are available?? I can hardly even remember a time when I wasn't this kind of special.

Hopefully, someday, you too will be so lucky to ascend to the airy heights at which I'm now soaring.

When Google Translator joins the dark side...

From within the surging stream of spam comments flowing across this blog every day, I've landed a couple gems that I have to at least admire for entertaining me a bit before I tossed them back.

The real miracle about this first web of incorrectly selected synonyms is that it's eventually understandable at all:

---

Record Taskmaster in a enter office told to a woman,”You possess to take another stamp on this correspondence literature as it is too heavy.

The woman replied, “How would an extra character get it lighter.”

---

Your reward for parsing through all this is to arrive at a mild but satisfied chuckle, along with the opportunity to award the high praise of, "Oh, heh, I get it."

But that one's got nothing on this completely inexplicable paraphrasing of a Pink Panther scene my parents have always loved:

---

(This is guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom. It was originally a bit in a Pink Panther movie).

A servant walks into a department store and sees a beautiful itty-bitty dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to darling the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not snack!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"

Submitted by Rick Bell

---

I'm intrigued by this spammer's acknowledging his/her national origin, impressed by his/her including an attribution for the joke, and just confused by the last line.

I have to say, bizarre spam comments like these are at least a breath of fresh air compared to the good old-fashioned densely packed page o' links, the strings of nonsensical symbols standing in for characters in various Asian fonts I don't have installed, and generic false praise leading to dating site pitches.

The ones that really have me suspicious are the ones that don't seem to include any links at all, or possibly just a link to my own blog, which only say something like, "Wow your this interesting article post keep it up I'm very informed from this topic it help me a lot on my college university paper project."

I was very tempted to let these two stand, as tribute to the spammers' attempts to offer something different in trade for my letting them use some comment space for free Viagra advertising, but in the end common sense prevailed.

They'll have to console themselves with this special highlight post, which is also guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom.

Things that amuse me, Vol. 2

Here, in lieu of something more cohesive, are a few of the things that have been amusing me lately:

1. Already a budding patriot at 2, the other day my daughter M- called out, "Look at my sandal!" only to reveal that, for no apparent reason, she'd ripped the flag off one of those 4th of July souvenirs and tied it around her little foot with a piece of string.

2. One recent message in the waves of spam e-mails I get daily stood out from the cesspool of similarly themed junk. It was called, "Your pork pistol won't fail" ...Great, thanks for ruining pork chops for me, for all time. Even schnitzel can't hide such a visual.

3. When perusing Endless.com to see if I could save money by ordering my next pair of sneakers online instead of having to (shudder) go to a store,* I feel like I was victimized by discriminatory software. After putting in the general specs of what I was looking for, the top row of search results were all women's pink ballet slippers. I say, stay out of this, Internet! That diaper bag is just damn handy, okay. That's the limit of my gender bending, I swear.**

4. After only a couple days of having wireless Internet here in the new house, I could already tell I'm going to need to put some kind of wheeled computer desk in the bathroom.

---

* No such luck, the universe hates me. I should have realized this by the fact that even New Balance has forsaken me and the sanctity/dryness of the side of my right foot, where the sole of my shoe very subtly detached a mere two months after I started wearing my latest shoes.

** But then, the Internet has never steered me wrong before...

Corporate intelligence, Vol. 10: We're number -1, we're number -1!

I'm filing this one in the No Press is Bad Press folder:

While perusing the Web to find out if there was already a pitchfork-wielding mob I could join on the march to the Frankenstein's Castle of whoever makes those TVs at gas stations and grocery store lines, or if I'd just have to start my own, Google brought me to GSTV.com.

GSTV stands for Gas Station TeleVision, which, as far as I can tell, is a company that supplies content for the TVs in gas stations and, presumably, other totally inappropriate locations.

But the page to which I was pointed was not their splash page, designed to sell me on the idea of not cursing the waking nightmare this concept has wrought, but rather to a (authorized?) reprinting of a Wall Street Journal article in which the company is mentioned.

The article, despite the WSJ's "pro-business" bent, is distinctly hostile to the very idea of this company, starting with the title, I Don't Want My GSTV, and ending on this gem with which I couldn't agree more:

---

Before allowing me to complete my transaction, the pump TV asked me whether I was hungry and exhorted me to go inside to check out the snacks in the minimart. I wasn't, but it did make me wonder -- do they sell hammers in there? There's a TV I'd like to smash.

---

I'm thinking someone down at headquarters needs to call a meeting to pass a motion to consider implementing a new policy of manual review of the automatic feed to this section of the Web site.

Things that amuse me

Here, as the title might suggest, are a few things that have been amusing me lately:

1. It says a lot about my current lifestyle that I only knew how long I slept in the computer chair recently by looking back at the pre-dawn browser history and measuring the gap between Repentant man breeds 4,600 scorpions and Driver Wears Monkey Mask in Speed-Camera Tickets. It was 37 minutes, by the way.

2. You know you're dealing with one of the greatest pools of obsessive nerd wisdom on Earth when you come upon the film category of Bully Comeuppance at the IMDb. (Also, Copped Feel.)

3. A house nearby to ours is on the National Register of Historic Places, and I recently saw the latest issue of This Old House magazine sticking out of their mailbox. This is a lot like seeing some old lady walking her poodle while clutching Dog Fancy magazine, or a grown man in bedazzled Crocs holding Pedophiles Monthly.

4. Sen. Pat Leahy (D-VT) should think twice about scaring people with closeups of unexpected Old Man Eyebrows in their e-mail boxes as a desperate campaigning tool. Secondly, I'm not sure what makes him think I can help him all the way out here in Povertyville, Illinois.

Selling out for spam

Hey there everyone, just click here to read my post for today, appearing over at HotDads.

Then, when you're done commenting to make me look good, poke around the site to see what my esteemed colleagues have to offer.

Just be careful where exactly you're poking, or you may regret it. Or not, I suppose.

Developments at our house, Vol. 15

Here are some of the latest developments around here:

1. Since my wife rented Season 1 of Big Love from the library recently, I just have to say here that it should come with some kind of warning label along the lines of the following:

If you have no specific desire to see Bill Paxton's taint, do NOT watch this show. Or, alternatively, choose a trusted friend or family member for Taintwatch duty, provided they have gone through the requisite advance research viewings.

2. I found out that the one time having anatomically correct toy horses (thanks, Schleich!) transcends its usual low-level creepiness is when my 2-year-old daughter M- persistently questions my account of which one is the Daddy horse.

This is probably the only kind of proof that she'd agree is irrefutable, what with her recent promotion in the Penis/No-Penis police force (PNPPD).

3. Speaking of penises, if the Sender Name field of half the e-mails in my spam folder are to be believed, I send myself an awful lot of messages about "male personal enhancement" that I then completely forget having sent.

I'll need to make sure I let Google know to pass each one of these missives straight into my inbox in the future. What's wrong with those eggheads?? This is ME we're talking about! Surely I am above suspicion and can be allowed through my own security detail, right?

4. My daughter has revealed herself as a scientific genius who just might make this family millions of dollars someday... she's invented the world's first Color Magna Doodle!

How much would your kids pay for that, right? Out of pity, and because we're such close friends, I'll share a little hint at the secret formula with you. I'm sure you understand that the exact ratios and procedure have to remain a trade secret at least for the time being, but I can tell you that you will need:

• a Magna Doodle, and
• a bunch of crayons.*

---

* If pressed, you may substitute permanent markers for crayons in this recipe, but it just won't be quite like Momma used to make.

Hee, hee, I said "Siemens"

Because I'm still a little overwhelmed from Holiday Party Season (along with the continuing Hip Surgery Recovery Season), I'm just here to share my amusement with this otherwise depressing testament to the corruption of the handful of global supercorporations that exploit each of us daily.

At Siemens, Bribery Was Just a Line Item

---

[Siemens'] telecommunications unit was awash in easy money. It paid $5 million in bribes to win a mobile phone contract in Bangladesh ... [and] also made $12.7 million in payments to senior officials in Nigeria for government contracts.

---

The most tragic part of all this, even more than Siemens' strategic enrichment of Saddam Hussein before his fall, is that they were duped into making those payments to the Nigerian officials by sweet-talking e-mails proposing a joint effort to secure much greater sums being held in probate.

How many more innocent, hard-working folks must be lured into clearly shady transactions for nefarious purposes before The Internet Police finally clamp down on these wiseacre Nigerians?

Sound the alarm!

Folks, we have a little emergency down here at LiteralDan Enterprises-- someone needs our help!

Let me fill you in on an important e-mail* I received yesterday from a "Mrs. Nomi Solomon" of "Abidjan,Cote d'Ivoire":

First of all, let me assure you that she is "the above named person from Kuwait." She was "married to Mr solomon anthony.who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2005." They "were married for many years with out child."

But here's where it gets tricky: "Recently, [her] Doctor told [her] that [she has] serious sickness which is cancer problem." I'll pause here to let that soak in.

As tragic as this story may be, this woman is not being allowed to finish out her life in peace. Yes, she is "not afraid of death hence [she] know[s] where [she is] going," that is to say that she "know[s] that [she is] going to be in the bosom of the Lord," because "Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight [her] case and [she] shall hold [her] peace." Unfortunately, she has some Earthbound complications that are causing her much stress:

"When [her] late husband was alive he deposited the sum of (US$2.500million dollars in a Bank in Abidjan Cote d'Ivoire west africa)." Now, "presently,the fund is still with the bank," so don't worry yourself too much-- it's safe for the time being.

However, what "disturbs" her even more than her "stroke sickness" is her fear that "[her] husband's efforts [might] be used by unbelievers" (non-Christians), who of course would never use it for "orphanages, widows,propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of God is maintained," but rather for pagan parties of Bacchanalian delights or some other such selfish disgrace. Heathens!

The modern American cynic in you might think this clearly unimpeachable dying widow is not actually such, and is instead someone trying to trick you into sending her your money or bank information, but it is quite obvious to me that this is not the case at all. Shame on you! She just doesn't "want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why [she is] taking this decision."

Now, here's where we come in: She doesn’t "need any telephone communication in this regard because of [her] health hence the presence of [her] husband’s relatives is around me always [she doesn't] want them to know about this development." Thankfully this weak and sickly woman is being allowed unrestricted and unmonitored access to the Internet, or we might not be able to help her rescue her husband's money from these unbelievers incompetently nursing her and feebly attempting to keep her comfortable in her last days with undoubtedly selfish motivations.

As you know, "with God all things are possible", so worry not-- as soon as we "contact [her] on the above e_mail address for more informations", "[she] shall give [us] the contact of the bank here in Abidjan." And all she wants in return is "the church to always pray for [her] because the lord is [her] shephard. [Her] happiness is that [she] lived a life of a worthy Christian.

Be advised, however, that "any delay in [our] reply will give [her] room in sourcing another church or individual for this same purpose," so let's get our act together and make sure we are the ones to help this poor dying widow find some comfort during her last days in this mortal coil.

I vote that all of you contact her on my behalf, since I'm quite busy. If each of you issues a plea for her to nominate me as the most worthy recipient, and you give her my address for the giant check, I assure you that I will then distribute it fairly amongst my readership for doing good works in the name of Christ and stuff.

When you contact her, at naomi_sol5@k.ro.clickingherewon'tsendtothisaddress, please assure her of the following: 1) "that [I] will act accordingly as [she] Stated herein"; 2) that I want "to serve the Lord" so I will "serve him in spirit and Truth"; and 3) I will "always be prayerful all through [my] life." She'll know what it means.

Oh, and be sure to tell her to "remain blessed in the Lord", and sign off with "Yours in Christ"-- she'll eat that stuff up.

I mean... that's how I always say goodbye. I'm a good Kuwaiti/Cote d'Ivoirean/Romanian Christian, after all.


* It was so important, it bypassed my Inbox and went right to a little-used folder called SPAM, which I can only imagine stands for Super-Pivotal Awesome Mail.

Developments at our house, Vol. 5

Here are some more developments at our house in the past few days:

1. I took it as a sign that my poor wife is so overwhelmed by parenting and her work as a special-ed teacher at a school an hour away (which starts at 7am) that when she received a "standby juror" notice, after some initial, natural reluctance, she ended up praying for jury duty as an escape from it all.

I helped her realize that she was looking at: paid time off work (finding out this perk helped brighten her spirits considerably) in addition to her pittance for serving; time away from me and the kids (I can be a bit much to handle, which probably doesn't surprise you); and, during the selection process, hours to chill out listening to music and reading a book.

But because she wanted it, as you might imagine, it turned out they didn't need her. Let's all type a big frowny face for J-, shall we? :-(

2. I discovered I may in fact be one of those elusive spammers we all hate so much. Rather than save myself a note as a draft e-mail the other night, I just sent it to myself so I'd see it in my inbox. The next day, this message did not appear in my inbox, but I did notice a message in my spam folder (I'm lucky enough that this is not a regular event), and sure enough, it was my note to myself.

To clarify, when I say it was a note to myself, I mean I sent it from one e-mail account right back into that same account. Is this some kind of spammers' secret? "No one will suspect ME if I get the same spam messages as everyone else! Moohoohahahaaaaa!!!"

3. M- may be the next Mia Hamm, if it's reliable to project her current rate of progress as a soccer player through every day into the future. Nothing would make J- happier, including M-'s election as the first female President of the United States.

4. Speaking of soccer, yesterday J- discovered the joys of refereeing when she was called in as an emergency replacement ref for her school's girls soccer team. She felt a profound sense of satisfaction at being repeatedly told she was "f*cking blind" for an hour's work (while deathly ill and voiceless) doing a favor for the kids and their parents.

5. I've learned the next thing they need to ban after waterboarding is the poor playing of a Cars videogame (featuring a bad Owen Wilson impersonator) at full volume, resulting in the same tinny music, sound effects, and voiceovers looping every minute and a half. I think it's D-'s way of saying he is bored and wants me to be done on the computer for the day...

And on that note, I bid you and the rest of The Internets adieu.

A political experiment

Here is an experiment:
Ron Paul.

I'm not sure how many people will get this, but let's see if I get some comment spam now from misguided Ron Paul supporters.

Footnote: To clarify, I say "misguided" meaning people misguided in their method of supporting him, not that they are misguided to support him at all. I think he has a fresh voice and a straightforward manner that is very welcome in our American politics. I love the fact that I respect this guy without agreeing with much more than half of what he says, either in concept entirely or just the extent to which he wants to change certain things.

Anyway, the experiment failed, since I don't yet exist in most search engines, among other factors. Wonh-wohhhhhh....