A lion in autumn

An e-mail I recently received from Buy.com asked the deceptively simple question, "What will you be this Halloween?"

That quandary was immediately and permanently addressed within the body of that very e-mail, in the form of a timeless treasure buried beneath a pile of boring, foolish, or even mildly ridiculous costumes: "A Sexy Wizard of Oz Cowardly Lion!"

Just in case one did not immediately grasp the magic inherent in those words, they included a siren song for the eyes:

Seems astonishingly obvious once you hear it and see it laid out like this, doesn't it? I mean, right here you have the very heart* of the film if not of the original book series itself! The whole narrative, this fictional universe, it all begins to collapse without the hefty weight of the Cowardly Lion's sex appeal anchoring it all --unspoken, undescribed, unobserved... possibly nonexistent-- and yet I'll bet you never once thought of it before now. Genius. Just genius.

Now, granted, the "sexiness" of this particular creation is highly dependent on the nature of the clay used to craft it, but I'm pretty confident I have the body to pull it off. The only real stumbling block to my undisputed ownership of this and all future Halloweens is the fact that it's currently on sale for $77.

I may have to let some pretender claim my throne, for that price. Or else, hmmmm... what would one of those craft bloggers do?

I'm off to find where I left my tan Spanx bodysuit and faux-fur boots 'n' muff!

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* Tin Woodman be damned. Again.

Things that amuse me, Vol. 12

Here are a few of the things that have been amusing me recently:

1. You might want to re-evaluate your life priorities if you carefully erect a 30-foot pole in your front yard, and then use it to proudly display your Arctic Cat flag. That's right, there's only room for one flag on that pole.

2. I think Redbox might want to manually review its recommendation formulas. For example, while checking availability for The Tree of Life recently, the second movie listed under "You may also be interested in" was Twilight: Breaking Dawn. ............No, thanks. That's like stocking candy-coated dung balls as impulse-purchase items right next to... DVDs of Terence Malick's "The Tree of Life".

3. Because I talk about my kids in this blog, I am frequently faced with situations that have luckily not yet happened in real life. Like, for instance, being greeted with, "Hey Soul Sister," in marketing e-mails. Or being nearly constantly reminded that, "[I'm] a busy mom." I've got news for those people, though-- I ain't that busy. Mostly I just sit on the couch with a box of bon-bons and "watch my stories" while telling the kids to shut up and get back to work. Ah, motherhood.

Classic quotes, Vol. 34

Here's a selection of quotes from the past few months, from my 4-year-old daughter M-, my 7-year-old son D-, and my infant son E-:

M- (excitedly, pointing to a Bud Light truck parked near us at the gas station): Daddy, I see the waaater botttttle truuuuuuck!

D- (drawled slyly, while doing his homework, as if idly asking about the weather, or some other not-remotely-related topic): Hey Dad, what's forrrrrrty-three plus thirty-six?

M- (using her Important Announcement voice at the dinner table): This hot dog BUN is too hot! (asked if she's sure) ...No... the thing that's inside it. (asked, "You mean the hot dog??") Yeah, the hot dog.

E- (whenever he deliberately pushes or drops things off his high chair, with the detached tone of an innocent bystander): Uh-oh.

M- (very matter-of-factly, about a song she made up): It's a very long song... I can't sing all the words in ONE day...

Me (after our shared laughter at my wife apparently stopped by quite so funny): No, no, I'm not being mean-- I'm laughing WITH you, as we both laugh at you!

M- (very excited, and distinctly unfazed, regarding the corpse of an unfortunate mouse, victim of our cats): We should save it, and when it turns to bones, I can study them! Because when I grow up, I want to be a vegetarian, and help animals!!

Corporate intelligence: A new Lowe

Well folks, someone has finally done it. After all these decades... well, centuries, really... a business has found a way to break through all the advertising noise, to make all the overloaded, tuned-out consumers around them sit up and take notice, to come to the table when they're called, without having to bang a drum or shout over the constant dull roar of inferior pitchmen.

You may not, nay, almost certainly have not, yet gotten to see what I am about to reveal to you, as I am one of the elite few privy to the rare, twice-daily, special messages from the ritziest of the insanely enormous home-improvement stores, Lowes, a store in which I can't particularly remember the last time I thought about setting foot.

I, as a presumably-now-part-owner of "MyLowes", was just offered the once-in-a-lifetime chance to... wait for it... Get a SNEAK PEEK at their NEW COMMERCIAL!!!

Who wants to wait in line with the common horde for the chance to evaluate Lowes' latest evaluation of their own product offerings and pricing, when can't-miss line-jumping opportunities like this are available?? I can hardly even remember a time when I wasn't this kind of special.

Hopefully, someday, you too will be so lucky to ascend to the airy heights at which I'm now soaring.

Amusing searches, Vol. 12

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, this time all dealing with parenting concerns.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• 10 yr old daughter likes to be naked (Toledo, OH) - You're in for a long couple of years, my friend. Good luck.

• I keep losing my patience with my 3 year old (Milton, Ontario) - That's because they're infuriating little bastards, just like you were when you were three. It's a charming part of our core to which we all return whenever we're feeling cranky, even in our golden years. You'll have your revenge!

• baby onesies that say my daddy is an obsessive bastard (Bradford, PA) - Hey... that hurts.

• help for the stay at home dad with the ungrateful wife (Palm Desert, CA) - I only wish I had some way of helping you, sir, but I've never been able to solve this particular problem for myself. Don't worry, though (face held dramatically in hand) I'll get along, somehow...

• I am at home and not busy (Kerava, Finland) - I am quite jealous and borderline homicidal.

• personal hygiene for kids (New Delhi, India) - I think it says it all that when you searched this term, it took you to a post about orangutans.

Things that amuse me, Vol. 5

Here are some more of the things that have been amusing or intriguing me lately:

1. You can never fully understand how unbelievably irritating a person you are until you get the chance to closely observe your clonelike child at the peak of his/her powers.

2. I think Siemens should really rethink the tagline they used in a radio commercial: The men work for Siemens. (Note: This is actually general advice for any company whose name sounds like "semen".) Maybe this adjustment in compensation substance is how they're weathering the ongoing economic crisis?

3. Either my son's really going to get extra credit for bringing to school a bag of candy for the class reward jar, or the world's greatest 6-year-old criminal mastermind just pulled off another flawless heist.

(No matter what, he's going to enjoy his bus ride home.)

4. Yahoo has an ad encouraging me to store my contacts' birthdays along with their e-mail addresses, so I can get a reminder when the date approaches. The ad features a woman with her face hidden (in shame?) behind a balloon, along with the headline, "You remembered!"

That's right, kids! Now you, too, can deceive your friends into believing they matter more to you than they really do, just like celebrities with personal assistants have been doing for years!

5. While talking up my productivity (both in my work from home and my work around the house) to my wife one day, I noted that I'd already showered before 3pm. My 3-year-old daughter's immediate response --delivered in much the same way she would ask if she could go SEE Santa now that he landed in the yard and had been pleading for her to take a ride in his sleigh-- was to ask, "Can I SMELL you??!?"

Mayhaps I need to get on a more professional schedule even while working from home.

One-item lists, Vol. 2

Things not to say to your pregnant mother
1. D- (in response to J-'s comment that a ground squirrel looked especially fat): "Probably, it's the mom."

Things that are only slightly more fun than a spontaneous, unsedated colonscopy
1. Talking politics with old men from the country during a recession.

Unsolvable mysteries of the universe
1. My wife couldn't care less that I finally acquired some Bacon Salt to sample... This is a woman who would gladly wrap each piece of her breakfast cereal in bacon if only it wasn't so time-consuming.

Things that seem like they must be made up, but are not
1. The head of the Skoll Urgent Threats Fund, formerly head of Google's philanthropic arm, is named Dr. Brilliant. Dr. Larry Brilliant. It just seems like he's showing off every time he signs his name. Can you imagine how ecstatic his dad and mom must be? They would be, respectively, Captain and Professor Brilliant, Lord and Lady of Nerdlingshire.

Things that are ruined by rescheduling for the convenience of adults
1. Halloween. Free the 'Ween, suburbia! I hope you're having a great one today, and that you'll get out there and get you some candy (with hired orphans, if you haven't yet made your own candy-bait organ grinder monkeys) regardless of what your town or church might have declared about when or where you should be pounding on your neighbors' doors, demanding candy in exchange for their peace and security.

Amusing searches, Vol. 11

Here are more of the most amusing searches that have brought people here, offering me yet another opportunity to employ my superpowers of Mockery and Sarcasm.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• escort woman says "you look handsome" (Cumberland, RI) - Escort woman then says, "I have to charge you extra for compliments." Sorry, champ.

• reasons a 3 year old might not talk (Cambridge, OH) - Well, to make light of your understandably vexing problem, now that I'm on my second 3-year-old, I gotta say I haven't come upon a single reliable reason so far. Even unconsciousness.

Still hoping one will come along, though, for at least a few minutes at a time.

• homosexual sons of stay at home fathers (Plymouth, MA) - You do know I was kidding, right?

• pinworm potty (Kuching, Malaysia) - Boy, that really makes me just wanna hold it forever.

• things that I don't like doing (Mumbai, India) - I came up in this search of yours??   .....frowny face.

• what is the worst smelling diaper (Knoxville, IL) - That's kind of a philosophical question, so I'll give you a philosophical answer: the one you're changing right now. (Closely followed by that one you changed a couple days ago, wherever it may now be rotting.)

Amusing searches, Vol. 9

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, ones so odd they don't really need a theme beyond that.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• douche storm (Pierrelatte, France) - Since the word "douche" sounds Frenchy (and the concept seems like a French idea, frankly), I'm pretty sure it means the same thing to you as it does to me... in which case I just have to run this search myself to see what comes up. Maybe it's some kind of new kinky French thing? Or else some kind of frat initiation somewhere... say, Southern California?

• fatal orgasm (Bedford, UK) - Hey, I thought I invented that! Wow, you learn something new every day... I've now decided the central tenet of my living will. Why merely pull the plug on someone when you could instead pull something else to send them away so much... less clinically?

• amelia earhart homosexual (Vancouver, WA) - As has now been clearly established, she could only have been a homosexual if the objects of her affection were carefully woven of magical thread.

• pictures of iguana poop (Plymouth, UK) - Sorry, no pictures. Just the facts, ma'am.

• why people don't like nervous people (Birmingham, UK) - If I knew that, I wouldn't spend so many nights crying myself to sleep, buddy.

• loving things to write in an anniversary card to your parents (Winterville, GA) - Oh, I don't know, how about something like:

Dearest Mother and Father,
Everything I feel about you, I found through a Google search.
Happy Anniversary! ...and stuff...
Somebody else loves their parents very much.

Sincerely,
Not That Person

• Percentage of students with herpes at Northeastern University (Stow, MA) - Hmmmm... these days? I'm gonna say 60%.

Amusing searches, Vol. 8

Here are more of the most amusing searches that have brought people here, again with the theme of "complaining about your children".

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• child spreads feces on shower wall (Windsor, Ontario) - Just be glad it was IN THE SHOWER, you whiner.

• 11 year son monster penis - Has one, or is one? That's an important difference... but I'm not sure which would be more intimidating.

• is it normal for a 12 year old to have white gushy stuff coming out your vagina - MY vagina? No, it's most certainly not normal-- why is a 12-year-old storing any of his or her stuff in MY theoretical vagina?? Stay the hell out of there, all of you!

• about to kill my kids quotes (Austin, TX) - Are you looking to borrow some good threats to toss out there for effect? Or just wanting to commiserate with some poor bastard who's got it worse than you?

Either way, I've got a few pages from my lists around here somewhere...

• can i feed golden raisin to my 18 year old child (Sterling Heights, MI) - Either that was a significant typo, or you lead a strange, strange life. Unless he's an invalid, I think mostly it'd be creepy any way you slice it.

Future careers of my daughter's preschool class

At the preschool graduation for my daughter's school yesterday (as an underclasswoman, she was just there for moral support, I guess), the teachers announced to the gym each graduate's answer to the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Here are some of their actual answers:

1. Race car driver

2. Doctor

3. Batman

4. Teacher

5. Police officer/Firefighter

6. Army guy

7. Dentist

8. Spider-Man

9. A doctor AND a teacher*

10. A Mommy

I'm pretty sure that last one was planted, to squeeze a few extra tears out of the audience. Nevertheless, I noted a distinct lack of willing candidates for Equally Necessary Jobs like the following:

1. Systems analyst

2. Septic tank cleaner

3. Telemarketer

4. Import/export facilitator

5. Cat burglar

6. Lounge singer/DJ

7. Local politician

8. Hustler

9. Tabloid photographer

10. Racehorse euthanizer

I hope most of these kids are headed for a junior high epiphany resulting in a slight change of career path, because otherwise we may be facing a hell of a lot of very bitter, disillusioned telemarketers/gravediggers.

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* This one's the kid who couldn't decide if he should go for impressing the chicks or kissing up to the teacher, so he went for both. Sounds like the winner to me!

Amusing searches, Vol. 7

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, this time with the very simple theme of "complaining about your children." This could really be the first of several in a healthy sub-series of posts.

Note: All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and in this case, all searchers arrived at my 10 reasons my 3-year-old son may be homosexual post, which is apparently the only post on the Internet whose title features a child identified by a hyphenated label including his age. Or else it's just the strongest and most fascinating.

• why does my 5 yr son old piss around the house (Bloomington, IL) - 1) Because it's easier; 2) because he can; and 3) because he owns the property but isn't responsible for cleaning it. Also, I'd bet he somehow understands he won't be able to get away with it for long, so he's living it up while he can. Ahhh, to be that young again, never in search of the nearest bathroom...

• 3 year olds hands do the same thing (Davenport, FL) - This is a very slippery slope. "Same thing" meaning what? Picking his nose? Playing with his food? Poking his sister? Playing with himself? Stabbing at his dad's eyes whenever he looks away from him? Based on my thankfully fuzzy recollections of that age, you have to be much more specific.

• 9-year-old son lazy barefoot (Sandusky, OH) - Are you looking for a role model for the boy? If so, just let me know, and I'll try to see about getting around to offering him some pearls of wisdom. Better yet, just send him out my way, and he can lay at my bare feet just watching the master at work. Well, maybe "work" is too strong a word.

• my 3 year old son always has to be first - Correction: Your 3-year-old son always WANTS to be first. My 3-year-old daughter is the one who actually must be first. I do not recommend denying her this, or at least not without adequate protection.

• 10 yr old son likes to be naked (Surprise, AZ) - Who doesn't? Especially out there in the deserts of Surprise, Arizona. (Yes, that's really the name.) Let me warn you, though, if you say too much to him about it, you'll find him naked 24 hours a day for the next ten years, powered solely by spite. And nobody likes to see an angry naked guy. So do us all a favor and lay off, lady.

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A nice deal for those with babies: 10% off essential items like diapers, wipes and formula at Amazon

Amusing searches, Vol. 6

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here during these past few months that have been so devoid of new posts.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• is it ok that daughter buys annivarsary card on behalf of husband - Is it okay for you that they do this? Of course. Is it okay for the two of them? ...Ask her. Seems kinda sad to me, but man, Hallmark must love her commitment to their products even to the point of this nonsense. (Also, for my own future reference, does she get a good deal on these "annivarsary" cards from the Irregular bin at the dollar store?)

• curing a belligerent horse (Jonesboro, AR) - Poetic concerns aside as to whether a supposedly belligerent horse needs "curing", I'll say that while I appreciate the particular struggles of horse trainers, I'm not sure why one in search of an answer to a professional question would stop to click on a search result titled "Screw curing cancer, we've got robot ladies now!"

• do not babysit (Virginia Beach, VA) - Okay, okay, I can take the hint... Clearly you've just perused my selection of bad parenting, lack of shame, screaming, self-righteousness, and sarcasm posts.

• literaldan.blogspot.com screw-curing-cancer-weve-got-robot - Since this (and many, many other searches, for some reason) came from Mountain View, California, I think it's fair to assume that the top brass of Google is intensely interested in how exactly I've managed to take over the Internet without actually making any money or getting on TV yet. That, or they're thinking of offering me a job in their vaunted Nitpicking, Irreverence, or Procrastination departments.

• barefoot inebriated woman (Warren, OH) - If that's what you're looking for, then allow me to point you, happily, over to your fellow Ohioan. You won't be sorry!

• amusing a 3 year old (Bristol, VT) - I'll give you a hint-- it must involve rhyming wordplay and, more importantly, bodily functions in some way. Preferably graphically so. Just picture the humor of a 30-year-old man, and then aim a little higher brow.

Important Question: What would you use this for?

When I first saw the item pictured below, I was dumbfounded as to its purpose, given the context in which I found it. So I ask you all the following Important Question:

For what do you think this is meant to be used?


Leave your best or most entertaining guess in the comments.

Amusing searches, Vol. 5

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, this time with the very simple theme of Vaginas.

I think it would thus be appropriate to dedicate this, lucky number 5 in this series, to BHJ.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered.)

• orangutan vagina - Finally, one of my horde of orangutan-based searchers (living in one of my favorite places to say: Puyallup, Washington) comes out of the closet, in the middle of the night, probably after a few beers. If they hoped, in this Google Image search, to find a clinical image of a primate's vagina, or something a bit more... wild, I can only try not to imagine.

• what does an orangutans vagina look like - What do you think it looks like, Mr. Scarborough, Ontario? And why do you need to know? This is getting to be an epidemic! I've decided all people who live in or near the Canadian border are disgusting perverts. You may think this is rash, but I think the facts speak for themselves.

• chimpanzee vagina (Mountain View, CA and Mogi-guaçu, Brazil) - Look, I don't know who you've been talking to, but I obviously only deal in orangutans. What kind of low-grade vagina dealer do you take me for??

(And Mr. Brazil, you can be sure there isn't a stylist in the world who'd charge less than a month's salary to do a "Brazilian" for your new ladyfriend. Just imagine those wax strips! Shudder.)

• someone else's urine touched my vagina, (Potomac, MD) - Is this you again?? Did you move from Regina (hey, that rhymes with your search!) to Maryland? Hmmmm... probably unlikely.

Ladies,* is it really so hard to just flush first? Especially if you're so paranoid that you'll run directly from the splash-producing toilet to the always-open arms of The Internet to find out how many days you have to live, via a search string taking the form of the opening line to a country song I never want to hear?

• is it cleaner to lick a vagina or a toilet seat? (The United Kingdom) - I'm sure the ladies in the audience are deeply offended. The things those proper British gentlemen will ask The Google compared to what they discuss over high tea! But more practically, if the answer WAS a toilet seat, does that mean he'd be honor-bound to go around pleasing toilets all over town? Sorry, "loos" all over town?

• ocd about getting pregnant by a toliet seat - Oh, great, thanks... now I have something new to fear.

• what is origin of golden showers - I believe the answer is, technically, the urethra.

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* I hope I'm not going too far out on a limb here with this gender assumption.

Book Review: Spongebob's Feelin' It!

When you see this, the cover of the infant-tactile-stimulation book SpongeBob's Feelin' It!, are you as unnerved as I am at this answer to the question, "What is SpongeBob doing when he's not filming his show?"

How did this pass all of the various committees that surely had to approve its creation? Are they even paying attention anymore, when they're not busy cashing checks labeled "SpongeBob Toothbrushes", "SpongeBob Glucose Monitors", and "Actual Square Pants"?

I mean, just look at that satisfied smile on his bucktoothed face! Chilling.

Then again, haven't you always wanted to find out exactly what kind of pants those famous trousers are? Corduroy? Canvas? Chino? Well, SpongeBob really wants you to find out.

Not unlike my previous experience with the book I Went Walking, I'm too terrified to open this one up to find out what's inside.

But I know someone who's not: whoever belongs to those little eye stalks peeking over the arm of the chair...

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You may enjoy my previous attempts at book reviews. I'll write one someday that might actually be useful for someone, somehow.

Amusing searches, Vol. 4

Here are some of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, this time collected under the very simple theme of Herpes.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: I must warn you against using Google without at least some kind of keyboard cover-- it seems to be the ringleader in spreading herpes across the Internet.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered.)

• can a dog give you herpes and can dogs give you herpes - Yes, these were two distinct searches.* All I'll say in answer is, if you find yourself driven to search the globe for this particular bit of information, I'm pretty sure the answer should not be your biggest concern in life. Even on the loneliest of Saturday nights, guys, you should probably just... fly solo on this mission.**

• herpes and swine flu • swine flu Herpes • herpes swine flu [etc.] - Granted, I did pair these two afflictions in my post on swine flu, but since you're the ones earnestly seeking information, only I'm in the position to demand an explanation.

Are you worried swine flu's gonna turn your herpes sores into pork snouts, or something? Don't forget about your chicken pox. And acne. And anal warts that you just can't quite see or feel. I swear I'm sorry to add to your irrational fears. Really.

• do pigs have herpes? - Isn't that kind of an overly generic question whose answer ("well, yes, they can... but like you, they don't necessarily") paints pigs in an unfair light? Those guys have it pretty bad as it is, what with all that Semitic and Islamic disdain... talk about a backhanded compliment-- "I will never eat you! ...But only because you are too disgusting to eat."

We should all be so lucky.

• purell herpes - No. Just no. I'm sorry, but you'll need at least slightly stronger protection.

Or, you could not trust my judgment, and start taking a daily $200 bath in hand sanitizer and figure you're then rendered immortal.

• eatng out can give you herpies - (Wayne, NJ) Just what the ladies want guys to start rallying around! That is, assuming this searcher's talking about female humans. Given some of the other herpies-/sex-related searches --robots, pigs, dogs, toilet seats-- I can't be totally sure. It's all merely a moot point***, though, because pretty much everything in New Jersey can give you herpes anyway.

Also, for the record, I think your spelling of herpies is tremendously more endearing than the boring old herpes. That way, the germs seem like puppies or kitties! The International Herpes Council, which is now commanded to exist if it didn't already, really needs to get on this change immediately.

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* Based on their word choice, I'd say one's in love, and the other wants to play the field. Or dog park, I should say.

** Particularly you, Mr. Palmerton, Pennsylvania. Look to your town's founding fathers for guidance!

*** In using this word, I can't help but note that the word "moot" actually means "debatable", not "meaningless", which is how it is often used. So most of the time people invoke the label, they're not adding anything at all to what is already a debate over said point.

You wouldn't hit a man with glasses, would you?

Pretend it's still Halloween with me!

In case you're breathing a sigh of relief that, after hours of painstakingly inspecting, and possibly dissecting, your children's Halloween candy, they were not near-victims of some dastardly neighborhood psychopath, I just thought I'd like to share with you the secret fact that No one has ever found an actual razor or pin or anything similar in a piece of Halloween candy from a stranger. Ever.

This is decades-old madness, so people need to relax and be sensible. Teach your kids what skeevy-looking candy is, and that they should set it aside for you to dispose of. If need be, offer a per-piece financial incentive like my mom used to for our Halloween gum haul.* And if you're smart, make sure to identify some of your favorites as the skeeviest of all.

But Dan, you say, you just finally eased our minds by saying the candy was safe! Why not tell the kids to down those skeevy pieces? We know how you hate waste in all its forms.

Well, I didn't say the candy was safe, per se, I just said no strangers are putting razor blades in their candy. For one thing, do you know how expensive that would get? Not to mention ridiculously laborious. And what would come of that anyway, a cut lip? Other than your "husky" son who's half boa constrictor, of course.

One body who's always itching to find the answer to a juicy what-if like this is your friendly neighborhood corporation, passing off production to whatever distant land offers the sweetest deal, then rewarding them by promptly squeezing them incessantly for increased profits until they're forced to stir in some surplus metal filings and actual razor blades to thicken up those goddamn lollipops that have to cost no more than 0.000008 cents each.**

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One more thing that bugs me, since I'm already pre-wound for a tirade:

This paragraph (all errors and style choices are theirs...) is from my son's elementary school newsletter a couple weeks before Halloween, and it left my jaw hanging open. I'm not exaggerating-- as you might imagine, I often rant at inanimate objects in the privacy of my own home, but this one left me searching (still) fruitlessly for the right words to express all the feelings it stirs in me:

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As your child begins to think about what he/she wants to be for Halloween please be mindful of appropriate costumes for school. [...] Students choosing to wear a costume for the Halloween party and parade should wear costumes that portray positive images. Scary, grotesque or negative costumes are not acceptable and will not be allowed. Please make certain your child's costume does not include:

• Toy weapons or look alike weapons
• Masks
• Gadgets that show blood, etc.

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How it manages to stir that (non-scary) pot of those feelings (non-violently) without anything that could also be viewed as a weapon, I'm not sure...

Why don't we just give up and call it "October Dress-Up Day" with only slutty, cute, or funny costumes allowed, and then let's all give Halloween a proper burial, with the only pictures allowed to remember it by coming from before the past 15 years??! Sounds good to me.

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And on that note, I hope you all had a great Halloween! Since Christmas stuff has already been in stores for a month or so now, I think the next holiday must be Valentine's Day. Better get your lollipops while Dollar General still has them in stock!

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* Gum was forbidden, so this was like a "Cash for pistols, no questions asked" program.

** And those aren't pills in your Smarties, those are prizes!

Maybe Amelia Earhart simply unraveled?

This article made me laugh so hard, and for so long, I have to make sure you read the whole opening, so I'm going to reprint the first two paragraphs:

Famed US aviator's hair actually 'piece of thread'

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An aviation museum in the US state of Ohio that believed it was displaying a hair sample from famed flyer Amelia Earhart made an unfortunate discovery, after DNA analysis revealed it to be a piece of thread.

"In a disappointing turn of events," as Cleveland's International Women's Air and Space Museum described it in a statement, the lock of "hair" in their possession since 1986 was revealed as thread only after they put it on display this year.

---

There are just so many dimensions of funny here, it seems to be, at least for me, a bottomless well of mirth.

I would give up a finger --cannibal's choice, even-- to have been there at the DNA lab when they got that thing under an electron microscope, or whatever else they typically do with such samples. I wonder if they were required to continue running through the rest of the tests to make sure they were confident in their result.

I wonder how much that maid got paid for this find all those years ago, and how much the museum itself paid. The possibilities are intriguing, but I fear my potentially lucrative customers/rubes might be dangerously wary now.

Still, it kinda makes me want to send a bunch of random fibers I find in to labs around the country, each labeled --as condescendingly as I can manage-- as merely needing confirmation of some groundbreaking find.

I would of course also issue press releases for each one at the same time, to build suspense. You know those 24-hour networks would roll with it immediately, balloon boy hoax be damned.

I'm can't decide if the most disappointed analyst would be the one testing Beethoven's lead-laden follicle before realizing it's a broken rubber band, or the one excitedly inspecting my Bigfoot Hair? sample only to learn that it's actually a stale strand of angel hair pasta.

I think, at least linguistically speaking, that one would be a touch closer to the real thing than the aviation museums' treasure. I wonder if the museum world has jocks and bullies who'll be teasing these people for decades? I sure hope so.

I'm not only the president, I'm also a client!

If you need a window repaired around here, your best bet* is the local Ace Hardware store, according to as unimpeachable a source as Ace Hardware itself:

No job is too big, no job is too small. Some jobs, however, are too obvious, and thus they must be declined without consideration:

Or is that expertly applied duct tape meant to serve as a handy example of the kind of top-of-the-line repair job they're anxiously waiting to offer your own windows?

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* Also, you should especially avoid the dedicated window place right across the street... in fact, let's all just pretend it's not there entirely!