Words to Live By

I have always loved words. There are so many positive quotations or cliches that I have committed to memory, and I collect so many others. Even pondering a simple word can change my course.

Several friends gave me journals when I left Southern California. They know that I think alot and like to record some of those thoughts. One of the journals was labeled "hope" which happens to be one of my favorite words, so I decided to write on individual words in that journal starting with hope. Since then I have written down 52 words to write journal entries or blogs about. These are words I like to live by, starting with hope.

I think "hope" has become my favorite word in the English language. In Spanish "esperanza" is hope and it is a beautiful word too. Hope might be the difference between moving forward through trials and challenges, and sinking into the quicksand of despair. Those who have hope might be described as optimists, and those who live in regret and despair as pessimists.

I imagine God sending our little spirits down with certain gifts or talents. How lucky is the little spirit who receives the gift of "hope" already installed as a standard item. It can always be added as an optional feature of spirituality even if it wasn't standard equipment entering earth life. As with most traits we want to acquire, a spirit of hope can be developed.

If you are looking at life as "Poor me. Why do the bad things always happen to me?" That that is what you'll find. If you are determined to look forward "with a perfect brightness of hope" that is what you will find.

God doesn't give us trials--life does. Satan makes them bigger and badder if we let him. God gives us hope and help if we just ask Him. I've read alot of scriptures and quotations on hope and they all indicate hope comes from God. So really, all we need to do is open our hearts, and our despair, frustration, grin thoughts can turn to hope. Hope for a path to take, for a rainbow in our lives, for gratitude, for love, knowledge, even joy.

In my own trials I found that I was given the gift of hope, and yes I am an optimist. It's not always a popular attitude in a very sad world. People think there is something terribly wrong when things are tough and you aren't angry and you don't groan enough. There is always sadness and grieving, but that is a different thing than giving into it, or giving up. I began to think there was something wrong with me, so I tried to find those attributes of unhappiness--crazy!! That did make me unhappy. Then I realized the tremendous difference in hope which I saw as looking forward and upward, and in regret which involves looking backward and downward.

Even in momentary times of despair, we can embrace hope for a better tomorrow.

"...where troubles melt like lemon drops"

Today on The Spoken Word I heard the most beautiful rendition of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" I have ever heard, including Judy Garland's which has always been my favorite. The "word" was that we were to close off the noise of the world and find peace in quiet, in stillness.

I was laying in bed trying to will myself up to get ready for church and the days meetings but I have been having a bit of a Lupus flare, so I have been pretty much non-functioning for the past few days. On top of that I just learned they are auctioning my house next month, so essentially I am homeless.

Although my Lupus flare speaks otherwise because it can come from stress, I have really come to terms with this additional loss. Like my marriage ending, this has nothing to do with me. It comes about from circumstances. I'm sure I have made mistakes along the way, but essentially I had no more control from this financial disaster than someone who loses their home in a natural disaster like flood or tornado. I usually do have more control with what happens in my life than I have had the last few years, so it has allowed me to come even closer to my Heavenly Father and to rely on the Savior. What a blessing that has been.

So, this morning as I lay in bed I listened to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and my spirit was taken over the rainbow. I felt myself soaring among beautiful fluffy clouds with the birds at my shoulder leading me in peaceful dips and turns to a place where "troubles melt like lemon drops". What peaceful joy to know there is a place beyond the rainbow where we can let our spirits soar unburdened by the weights of the world. We don't need to leave this earth to feel it we can just give ourselves a moment with the Lord and He will lead us there to be renewed, refreshed, dipping in and out of the clouds so that when we are set firmly on the ground we can gather our little troubles around us and lilt through the day with gratitude, hope and peace surrounding us.

Even though it isn't the version that I heard this morning please listen to the following rendition of "Somewhere over the Rainbow" and let your spirit relax and renew.

Grieving

Saturday is Valentines Day. Day of love. Also next week our divorce is final. I thought I had my emotions all tucked nicely away by now, but I think the blend of those two events are causing an eruption of feelings. It doesn't feel like a volcanic eruption...not that noticeable or powerful. It's more like ebb and flow. Just out of the blue I am teary eyed and my thoughts wander to memories or questioning "why?". If I had a penny for the number of times I asked that little tormenting question I would be wealthy. "Why?" Can that word alone wipe away hope, joy, peace? If I don't learn to look beyond "why?" I won't find any of those things.

I worry about everyone else....my sons who thought their parents, while not perfect, had a perfectly good marriage. How would they deal with this blow to their solid foundation? They always thought we were kind of like Ward and June Cleaver....with a little dorkiness thrown in for flavor. What about my daughters-in-law, who thought they were marrying into a solid and eternal family? It's kind of like they got advertisement for a really good deal, but they didn't read the fine print before they signed on. My grandchildren...how cheated are they? Especially Hailey and Mady who have some history of doing things with Gramma and Grampa. They loved staying the night, going to the park and other adventures, doing crafts...do they deserve this broken alliance?

I feel for my Mom, who taught me through her marriage to my father for 36 years and to Herb for the past 17 years what importance and value marriage commitments have. She has been so supportive from the very beginninng of the slide into divorce. She has managed to continue loving me AND Bud. Then there are my siblings, nephews and nieces. As the oldest I like to think that I have a certain responsibility to set a proper example of how to live a righteous and happy life. Have I let them down?

Our friends are concerned for us. They wonder how it is possible that Bud and Les can split. They watched us holding hands, smooching, leaning on each other. I worry that they will identify and be fearful about their own good marriages.

Most of all I worry about Bud. How can I just stop? A divorce can be final after six months, but feelings, habits, and love take a little longer to subside. I truly have put my husband first for 42 years so now I continue to wonder what is best for him.

My kids are amazing. They have wounded emotions too, I'm sure, but somehow they all seem to have it in perspective. When I allow myself to feel my feelings and let them show, they are able to put salve on my open wounds by reminding me that I had a life of love and memories, and that was real. I need that reassurance because sometimes I wonder how long I was in this marriage by myself. Was it ever what I thought it was? How long was I in total denial? Each one of my sons have told me with certainty that it wasn't imagined. He did love me as devotedly as I thought, and he was that loving husband and father who put himself last and all of us first. It wasn't a role he played, it was real.

Trying to hang onto that notion and to live today and look forward to the future I have words on my wall in the family room that say:

Cherish yesterday

Live today

Dream tomorrow

So luckily the feelings I have had preceeding "cupid" day and "Divorce Final" day are tears on the eyelids, soft torture of the heart instead of the catapulting lava flow of torment and ripped edges.

This month I posted on my voice mail and I believe in the message from Alfred Lord Tennyson that says:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

One of my friends at church was talking to me about grief. There are steps you have to go through to truly heal. But she told me that it isn't like stair steps, instead it is a spiral upwards, so sometimes you revisit the same steps several times. I am grieving. My husband didn't die. He is still around to bless the lives of his children, grandchildren, and even me. But I am mourning the death of a a relationship, a marriage, and to me that is a pretty powerful loss. But, I am strong, and I have a great support system, so I will make it.

I plan to live through this next six days, feel the pain, the memories, the loss. Then on the 21st I will recognize myself as a divorced woman and I will turn the page to that new chapter. As a matter of fact there is a multi-stake singles activity in Redlands that I plan on attending that very day. I will put on my red shoes, my best smile, my dazzling personality and rock the room.