Step 135: Wait! What happened to that chapter?

 A few things:  Step 134 probably will never make it to your screens... it was a venting step and I fear publishing it could cause bad repercussions for me. 

2020 - Well that was the Covid-19 pandemic.  Lock-downs, masks, food shortage, TP shortages... NO SCHOOL.  Crew home from March 8th until a modified plan was implemented late August.  Ugh... 

Chapters.  We all go through chapters in our lives.  

I have an older son who lives in Southern Utah.  He announced that he will be getting married.  That is exciting news.  We are so happy for him and his fiance.  

Our next child, a daughter, is graduating in less than a month and then moving to Oregon to pursue her education to become a forensic pathologist.  She has had this route planned and focused for so many years.  She will go and accomplish so much she wants and more.  She is amazing and I am going to miss her something fierce.

Then our second son.  He sped up his high school experience and is jumping to graduation this year as well.  A two for one!  I love it and hate it.  Love that we are condensing the graduation ceremonies part of life.  But hating that at 17 he is finished with high school and has NO REAL PLAN of what to do from here.  His "plans" change by the minute.  I am happy he sped through high school since he really didn't enjoy the experience BUT I would have preferred a plan be in place to accommodate here on out.  

His graduating early made me realize that some of the chapters I thought would be coming are already done or won't be coming at all. No Prom, No cap/gown (he made the graduation choice after order date was past), No Senior pics (His choice-a heartbreak for me).  He wants to leave the state as well.  Three of my six will be spread out west of me.  It's unnerving.  I want them to fly and progress but I want to have them near me.  I get it.  They don't want Texas, neither do I.  But not being able to get to them quickly... it has my momma heart worrying every night.  

So now things adjust in a major way at home.  My fifteen (almost sixteen) year old daughter will now be the oldest at home.  Yikes.  She isn't prepared for that and neither am I.  We still have eight year old MrJ and six year old Lil Miss... but wow!  Can I cook for a family of five?  I think my adjustment in that area will take some time... prepare for leftovers!  

I'm going to turn around "tomorrow" and my youngest will be trying to fly away.... ugh. We train them to fly and go out and conquer the world but it just came so fast.  

Now I know that I would like some chapters to be short... even if they come fast and furious but some I would like to linger on...

Step 133: Mental Health Matters

We have been blessed to adopt our crew from the foster care system.  Our children were born affected by drugs, alcohol, neglect, and born to parents unable to care for children. 

The drug of choice that dominates the foster system is meth.  It is heartless.  It is brutal to those wee ones that are being exposed during their gestation periods.  Two of our boys have been the most affected and both suffer from a myriad of mental illness issues. 

I just thought that IF issues arose then the medical field would help us navigate it.  Ummmmm, no.  Mental illness issues have been a battle to deal with.  Our doctors are tied by rules/red tape that keep them from being able to fully assist us with dealing with these issues.  The mental health field is ill equipped to handle the VOLUME of children and issues that the wee meth babies are now presenting.  One of our sons presented EARLY.  The mental health field has an ideal age they want to begin their processes, five years old.  The medical field won't touch young children to manage meds for them due to how quickly they grow / that changes the meds significantly.  So I have sat on the web endlessly searching for resources, making hundreds of phone calls to providers/insurance companies/pharmacists... just to end my day with feeling like I didn't even make a half step toward a solution. 

Ultimately our wee man turned five years old and was placed in a partial hospital intake.  He was checked in at 8am Monday - Friday and checked out at 3pm.  He stayed home at night and weekends.  His schedule was a lot of therapy, med management, and only a couple hours of official "schooling".  This hospital was about an hour from our home and during rush hours, both ways.  Family therapy happened four times... another trip up the freeway.  Ugh.  What came out of it?  Well we got a huge list of his diagnoses and felt validated that we knew something was off and not just getting too old to deal with toddlers.  Although, I am getting too old to raise toddlers...

The doctors were surprised how long we have dealt with him on our own.  What were we supposed to do?  This area is flawed.  There are few resources available that assist early aged children.  He is our son.  There is no "return policy".  We adopted our children and they are ours as if we birthed them. 

Mental illness is an ugly beast.  Along with MrJ, we have a fourteen year old son that is also ODD, Bi-polar, and has manic depression.  We've dealt with his stuff since he turned nine.  MrJ kicked in a lot sooner.  MrJ is ODD, ADHD combined impulsivity-inattention-hyperactivity-destructive, TSRD, manic depressive, FASD... he also shows the markers that will prove that he will have the Bi-polar diagnoses as well.  (probably by age 9-10)

ODD: Oppositional Defiant Disorder;
ADHD:  Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder;
TSRD:  Trauma and Stressor-Related Disorder;
FASD:  Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder

So that means that I will be dealing with bi-polar children for over NINETEEN years straight!  That is daunting.  I'm in the middle of the storm and it is overwhelming.  I can't even begin to comprehend how the next thirteen years are going to pan out. One day at a time, I guess.

We used to keep this stuff all hush hush.  I didn't want people labeling my crew or writing them off without letting them have a chance.  So much stigma is attached to mental health matters.  If my child had cancer I wouldn't put up a shield of secrecy but I did with this.  Well, I am silent no more.  I want you to realize what you are dealing with for a scout campout, classes at school or church, sports practices, and our life. 

MrJ requires a strict schedule.  Order of events and times are vital.  No we can't just keep our crew up one time and let them participate in your event... it will disrupt the schedule and I will pay for it for the next week.  This has been learned by trial and ERROR.  I'm anal to many but his sanity and our sanity depend on me staying "anal". 

I'm worn out, all the time.  Sleep is a distant memory.  MrJ's ADHD doesn't turn off at night, so sleep is little chunks of time and due to his destructiveness we have been forced to install locks on our pantry, hide knives/pizza cutters/sharp stuff, and if he gets up... he has to be watched and returned to bed a dozen times a night.  It is worse than a newborn.  A newborn will eventually sleep... MrJ never sleeps.

There is no respite.  There is no having guests over... anything off schedule throws everything out of balance.  So I feel like a recluse in a prison camp. 

Once I started talking about our lives with mental illness a whole new world opened up.  I never realized how many people are dealing with similar issues we have in our home. 
I'm not alone after all.

The only way we are going to influence the system is to not hide.
Mental health matters.  Mental illness is not a dirty word.

Step 134: Tornado Living

Well it's quite obvious that I am lacking on this posting stuff.
C'est la vie.

February 7, 2018 we pulled away from our home in Creswell, Oregon.  A home I loved and "knew" I was going to live out my days in.  Small backyard so not a lot of yard maintenance for us as we keep on aging.  Big enough to host events but not so big that I could keep the place clean.  I'm not a 4,000 square foot home dweller - who's gonna clean all of that?  Not me.  A small town that I was born into and had returned to... I love that place.  It's in my heart, still.

Once again we have landed in Texas.  Yep, Texas.  Lance's employment is here.  He isn't getting any younger, so we go where the work is.  We've been here over eleven months and well it has been a tornado....  Lance flew out to Texas last January and bought our home.  Yes, he bought a home I had never laid eyes on.  He walked through with a trusted sister-in-law who gave me all the 411 that she could see and we signed for it while still in Oregon.  Drove four days to Texas and entered our home.  Lance did well.  I just don't like Texas.  I know, I know... so many people rave about Texas and they are so friendly and it is wonderful.  I've never had that experience.  The driving... oh the driving... okay back to the tornado living. 

Texas is HOT.  Humid.  No mountains.  Green grass and trees are only around for a few precious months.  They just happen to be the months that are the hottest and most humid.  It is a foreign land to me and my soul.  We live smack dab middle of the prairie lands... no beaches, no mountains, no trees (that want to live here), and it is brown.  It is windy, stormy, tornadoes dwell here, and it is HOT. 

We moved mid-school year and our crew jumped into their new lives.  Very overwhelming.  Fan-C was at a high school of 250 kids and entered a high school of almost 5,000.  Her high school here is the size of the entire town we left in Oregon!  Eating lunch with over a 1,000 kids overwhelmed all my crew and they missed the first few days of lunch trying to figure it all out.  The middle school is just as overwhelming.  My heart hurts for my crew.  Eleven months of begging to return to family and friends in Oregon.  Back to their quaint country schools.  My momma heart wants to pack up and head home. 

Upon arrival in Texas we learned that some vital mental health services that we had been waiting for in Oregon finally got approved once we made it to Texas.  But the catch is/was, it doesn't transfer to Texas.  Frustration.  So for months I have been battling it out seeking assistance for MrJ and trying to get legal matters established to ensure he gets the help and services he needs.  It has been a LONG frustrating battle.  One we are still in the middle of. This has been an ugly tornado. 

I packed up our home in Oregon, staged, cleaned, staged, painted, staged, arranged... so we could all move and have a grand adventure.  I came to a state that ended up fighting me to get my driver's license, register my trucks, get care for my MrJ, IEP junk for Tiny-T, a ward that doesn't want me (No calling, visiting teaching routes, no assignment for almost TEN MONTHS!), and all my friends and family and life are back in Oregon!  I wanted to come here and BLOOM WHERE I HAD BEEN PLANTED... the soil of Texas doesn't want me. 

I have battled trying to stay positive and encouraging so that my crew can establish a life and thrive.  But despite my efforts... depression and anger have reigned supreme.  My older crew all graduate in a tight neat row and all have made plans to live in Oregon once graduated.  So my crew will all be in the PNW and I'll be attempting to "bloom" in the Prairie Lands of Texas.  This breaks my heart. 

We are here for forever.  Lance's job will not take him back to Oregon again.  His previous job was outsourced and now he is a part of the Marketing team... which is all located here in Texas. 

This has been the worst year of my marriage.  Anger, frustration, depression, resentment has been flowing like the acid each of those things are and eating away at us as a couple.  We've had a couple attempts to reign in everything and attempt to rebuild.  That is where we are.  Attempting to rebuild once again.  This tornado is the meanest, biggest, baddest, most hateful tornado of them all. 

We thought we were moving to help our family grow and we have just spent a year being torn apart.  But we are not giving up.  We are holding on like crazy and hunkering down in our storm shelter and continuing to press forward.  We will master this tornado living... one storm at a time.

Step 133: Getting Picked... like in gym class

Today is a rough day.
Three youngest of our crew stayed home with me from church since they are all barking like seals, have endless runny noses, and are generally miserable.  
As I was trying to get the three-year old convinced to take a nap (I was unsuccessful), I started bawling.  Not like a few tears rolling down my cheeks and sniffing a time or two.  I mean water works soaking my face and shirt.  Snot pouring out of my nose.  Crying so hard that I gagged a time or two.  
I know, LOVELY... NOT!  
My tears could be exhaustion induced but I was not thinking about how real sleep is a thing of dreams these days.  I was thinking about the preexistence.
Yep, the preexistence.
I have this image in my mind of all of the "mothers" standing on the half-court line facing an endless sea of potential children.  These children keep walking up and standing behind their future mothers.  Some ladies have one or two.  Others have numbers into the teens.  Then there are a few of US ladies.  We are so excited for the women surrounded by children.  We clap every time another spirit chooses them.  Then the sea of children are dwindling and I notice a few of us ladies just standing there wringing our hands together hoping that even ONE spirit will choose us.  Just one.  As the numbers get smaller and smaller.  I then realize, I am not chosen.  No spirit wants me to serve as their earthly mother.  
Just like gym class but worse.  
At least in gym class you get given to one of the teams (against their will).  Trust me, I am WELL versed as being the forced upon team member.  
You aren't chosen.  
Not even once.  
Why?  Why was I not "good" enough to have even one child/spirit want to come to this earth via me?  
Why , why , why .... 
Adoption has blessed our lives to the moon and back!  We are the parents of six beautiful children.  But I wonder, could my children be short-changed or "stuck" with me as an earthly mother?  I know there are TONS of women who could do a beyond phenomenal job compared to what I am doing.  I think about the days that it seems like all I do is yell for things to be completed or for the toddler to stop hurting his baby sister.  I think about the women who birthed my children.  I know they would give ANYTHING to have their children back in their arms.  It was their God-given right to parent these children.  Through bad choices the state removed their right (according to man) to be my children's parents but did that eliminate their God-given right?  Will my children seek out to find these women later on in life?  Will they wish they had been left in their care vs. being raised by me?  Will they have an eternal connection to their bio-parents for the eternities although the crew have been sealed to me and Lance?  
God-given rights.  
Not chosen.  
Another thing to add to my PPI bullet points with Heavenly Father.  
 

Step 132: Ummmmm, surprise!

My duck pond grew... and grew!

We are the proud crowd-control-crew of TWO new ducklings to our pond.

We finally, Finally, FINALLY got Mr.J.  

He is now 2 1/4 years old.  We have been waiting for him since he was nine days old.  Lots of "roller coaster rides" later... we are the adoption placement for this wonderful ball of sass and energy!  

Today we brought home his little sister.  She will be two months old on Friday.  She is sweet, smiley, wonderful, beautiful, has the world's BEST hair, and our caboose.  Our family has only been waiting for her since she was two days old... but when I walked in my home tonight carrying her... my heart was bursting with emotion.  

They are here... all nestled in our nest and we are complete!

It seems a thousand years ago that the doctor told me of our "fate".  But that was not to be the end of our dream for children... my sister-in-law told me about a wee babe she met in her ward.  Who knew that only weeks later THAT exact wee babe would be placed in my arms and I would become a mother.  

Now we have six children!  
SIX!  
This is exciting, scary, wonderful, awesome, 
freaky, and tiring all bundled up in one.  
We are beyond grateful... 

Step:131: CHANGE

"Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." 
                                        - Tony Robbins

This is my theme or mantra for 2015.  

I lost 85 pounds over eighteen months ago and I have kept it off!  Yay!  Victory!  I then broke my foot and then tore my right meniscus.  THAT is why having kept it off is such a victory!  I have been in recovery mode since June 2013.  My foot is great!  My meniscus... not so much.  It needs surgery but my Lancings is getting another set of new hips and so all of our surgery focus and our money is heading that direction.  But, although I need surgery, I know that I can HELP my knee along by dropping some more weight because I have a TON to lose. (yep, pun intended)   

So now what?  I am back to drinking an insane amount of water because trust me folks...THAT was a secret ingredient for my previous loss.  Drinking water throughout my day literally melted the fat off of me.  Of course along with drinking water I also eliminated soda and ate nothing after 8pm.  I made better food choices and regulated my portions.  These worked great for me... except for hunger tugs at 8:15pm (a couple times) I generally breezed through this part.  

HERE IS THE HARD PART:  exercise.
I am the worst!  
*Walking is great... but with my tore up knee, I'm in pain a lot of the time.  
*I used to be a dedicated and avid water aerobics participant... but we moved and our little town has no public pool.  The closest pools are quite the drive and the "out of district" expense is too high for our budget.
*Stationery bike... I used this to lose the 85 lbs.   The bike did not make the recent move with us.  My back was having issues with trying to keep the pedals under my feet.  (pedals only on a base type of set up).  It would slide away from me on our wood floors and my back just couldn't handle that strain any longer.  
*So here is my goal... I am going to begin the exercise torture once again.  Since I have been out of the loop for a while now, I am going to start with completing 15 minutes of good heart pumping sweat producing exercise every day.  (Sunday is my day off.)  Once that becomes easier I will be adding five additional minutes.  I am hoping to be built up to a half hour within four weeks. 

What am I expecting?  
HEALTH!
I need to keep shedding pounds (obviously) and I want to relieve the pressure on my knee.  I'm hoping that lightening the load will help my knee to heal.  
I would like to be an active momma.  I haven't swam with my crew since they were babies.  I shouldn't and wouldn't have been in a swimsuit and swimming then but we had four babies 3 years old and younger and my husband only has two arms.  So we tagged team the four of them.  I love swimming, jet skiing, and would love to go white water rafting.  But I won't attempt the rafting until I can pull my self back into the boat (if I were to fall out).  
I want to participate in the annual Sunriver Pacific Crest weekend.  Lance's family reunion revolves around RACES.  Most of the family participates in triathlons, marathons, 5K, 10K, and even the littles have a tri race.  I sit and cheer everyone on year after year... I think it's time to have them cheer for me!  

I'm not doing GAME ON officially but I am with myself!

GAME ON!!!!

Never needed a vacation so badly...

I need a break.  
Like a real vacation that doesn't have me cooking, cleaning and doing laundry everyday ~ just in a new location.  I want a REAL veg-out and be waited on vacation.  

December ~ lost Lance's father unexpectedly
April 22nd ~ discovered that one of our children has a severe mental disorder.  (this has been ongoing since that moment forward)
May ~ We fired our property management company that was tending (bare bones) to our Texas property.  Now we are officially LONG-distance landlords.  The moment we fired the company our leaser calls with repair needs (big ones $$$$), of course.
May 30th ~ We officially notified that the little mister we have been waiting on for over a year and a half is going to a family placement ~ there are other details but I can't share them.  Just know that we wanted him since notified (he was nine days old) and they said NO three times and then decided to take him after all.  CRUSHING!
Only an hour and a half later my niece was being life flighted to Portland due to heart failure.  I made several trips helping logistics.  
June 13th ~ My niece passed away... 
June 18th ~ we buried her... and the days between the 13th and 18th were spent organizing her funeral.  I should have been doing her WEDDING (one day) not her funeral.  Flowers ordered, balloons ordered, memory box made, vinyl projects completed... and so much more.  I was lost in busy-ville.  BUT, projects and the funeral are over and I am feeling the full weight of my sadness now.   
I need a break.  No more tragedy please!
I need time to mourn the loss of family, the loss of growing our family, the loss of the life we had dreamed for our child.  

Time!

But, I don't have that luxury of getting to stop and mourn.
I still have a house full of children (that I adore and WANT to serve) that need to be fed, cleaned and have laundry.  
I still have a calling to stay on top of and do (multiple days a week).
I still have a husband that needs me to support his calling and tend to the house/yard chores.
I still have three ladies/families that I visit teach that need help in their own lives.
I still have extended family members that need me.... 

Yet, I KNOW that I need a break ~ before I BREAK!

It's a Mimi!!! ~ Eternal Perspective

So much to type and totally numb.

Tiana

12-23-03 to 6-13-14

My beautiful niece left this world yesterday morning.

Ten-years old.  A baby.

Unexpectedly.

She is known at our home as, Mimi.  

She is like another child to us. 

She is only three months older than my Tank and I babysat her 

from babyhood until she went to school... 

She came over and stayed so often, she has her own "bed" and pillow.

Every time she came over to stay, she would leave something behind and yesterday we found a hair clip that she had left behind from her last visit.

This girl is amazing!

She is strong, brave and went through more than many adults will EVER have to endure and she did it sporting her million-dollar smile.

I am holding onto my faith and knowledge of the plan.... but man, this sucks!

She should be here celebrating the end of school and gearing up for endless camping trips.

She should be here graduating, dating, picking out a college to go to, finding a true love and getting married.  She should be a momma and then a grandma...

But this sweet angel girl has moved on with her mission.

I miss her so very much.

I went shopping today because life doesn't stop, even for a broken heart.

I walked into the store and tears just started flowing...

I didn't even try to hide it.

I feel broken.

It shows.

I looked into fellow shoppers eyes (maybe for the first time) and saw so many that had pain behind their eyes as well.

We need to be so gentle to people we have cross our path...

you never know what they are enduring...

Step 130: Dangling the Carrot ~ again.

Last Tuesday, a call.
Appointment the next morning at 9am.
More paperwork.  (what's new?)
Fingerprint appointment... again!
And now...
WAIT!

The baby boy they called us about last December is finally being moved into a more permanent home.  The caseworker came to meet Lance and I and talk about whether or not we understood "legal risk."
 Ummm, yes.  This isn't our first rodeo. 

Now, again... we wait.  He is almost sixteen months old now.  The current foster mom has wanted him moved to a more permanent home since he was four months old.  We have wanted him since we heard about him at nine DAYS old.  The system sucks.  They can't / won't move him unless it is necessary.  *sigh*  Now instead of transitioning an infant we will get to transition a toddler, again.  Toddler transitions are NOT easy on the toddler, the old foster home or the new home.  When we transitioned Tiny-T, she was seriously depressed.  I'm praying this transition goes smoothly and that it happens SOONER rather than any later.

It was exciting to find out that they were still considering us as a permanent placement... we bought a crib that night.  I went shopping for bedding and other things.  (I've shopped before.... returning everything was hard.)  I'm praying I don't have to do the mass return thing again.  Let this finally happen, please!  

We'll keep y'all updated.  Hopefully Mr. J will be here soon.  
Yep, they dangled the carrot again and we are once again chasing it...

Step: 129 Ummmmm, what?

I have allergy deafness.
I can't hear.
It's been three weeks... 

My husband and children know they have to have my attention and talk loud and clear...
Well, they don't need to talk loud... just mouth the words clearly so that I can read their lips.
But the public doesn't know that, so I am constantly saying, "Ummmm, what?"  I then have to explain my problem and then stare at their mouths while they slowly talk to me.  
Church has been, fun?!?!  
A lot of mumbling at the pulpit, great organ music ~ which I can hear but no singing, and then 2 more hours of almost complete silence.  
It is eerie to sit there and see mouths moving and hear nothing.

So what is allergy deafness?  Well, some people get allergies and they are super congested and their nose runs.  Or they have a itchy nose and throat.  I go deaf.  My ears swell shut and I can hear myself really well but the rest of the world grows silent.

It first began when I moved to Texas.  Ever since then when the blossoms start to bloom ~ I go deaf for a while.  My allergy meds haven't touched this.  So I am now taking a beefed up prescription medicine so that my hearing may be restored.
I also have hives that popped out on my arms and they are slow to leave as well.  
Ugh, I'm falling apart!  Getting old(ER) sucks!  

Ummmmmm, what?!?

 

Step 128: Now what?

We have been enjoying a couple of 'warm' (60s in March for Oregon is warm) days and all this sun is beyond wonderful!  I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself.

My crew are at school all day and it doesn't look like the wee man will be joining our family after all.  So I guess we are "done".  Now what?  I guess Tiny-T will be our 'baby'.  I always planned on having ten kids... I wanted a basketball team!  I got a 'four-square game' instead.  But, now what?  

I thought by now our Texas home would have sold and we would be trying to figure out where our forever home would be.  We are still in a rental.  Now we must figure out whether we are going to renew another year with our leasers (I vote NO!), sell it, or get new renters.  *sigh*  Have I mentioned how cruddy it is to be a long-distance landlord ~ it really stinks!  So, now what?  

I am a strong advocate of "Growing Where You are Planted".  We have been serving in callings and letting our crew grow and develop new talents... yet I still feel STUCK.  I find myself saying (to myself), IF I were in MY OWN home I would....  Ugh, I don't want to be in limbo any longer.  So I am pressing forward.  I need to LIVE NOW!  I need to figure out what I am going to do with my days and develop and grow NOW and not wait for the ideal scenario and ideal location.  

Now, I need to figure out WHAT my 'growing' will look like.  
Here I go.... 
 

Baby Showers...

I hate them.
I hate listening to all the ladies share their "horror" stories of giving birth and even the stories of feeling them kick inside... I just hate them all.
I hate sitting in the room trying to blend into the wall so that I don't have to 'add' anything to the conversations.  The one or two times I have spoke up and said something... something generic... I have been met with, "How would YOU know?  You've NEVER given birth!  You had kids the SMART way, adoption!"  
I have avoided baby showers for a while now.  I'm quite good at it.  The people just need/want a gift, right?  So I deliver the gift and my obligation is done.  But, I went today.  I went to support a new momma who is my daughter's primary teacher.  I walked in the room and laid my gift at the overflowing gift table and found a seat in the back of the room, in the corner.  I tried to blend into the wall.  I spoke to the few who noticed me.  I'm okay with that.  The focus should be on the new momma and her beautiful baby.  I was approached by a friend.  She asked how I was and how my family is doing... pleasantries... THEN she said it.  "You are so lucky to have 'instant kids'."  I smile.  Kinda laugh it off... and then I am fighting back the tears.  
I don't feel LUCKY at all.  You all are the LUCKY ones.  You and your husband conceive a baby and get to experience hearing the heartbeat, watching them float around during your ultrasound, feel them kick and wiggle inside of you, crave steak and oranges or pickles and ham, and yes... even have morning sickness.  You get to experience baby showers (before and/after the birth), dinners brought in your for family, and you get to give birth to your DNA connected child and know that they are coming home with you.  You won't have a caseworker coming in and out of your home for the next year and a half (+) and being told on a monthly basis that there is always a chance this little person will not be staying in your home.  You don't have to explain to everyone why this baby/child suddenly appeared in your family.  People asking about your children's REAL mom.  
I am not smart, I am not lucky, I am a barren woman.  I am a woman who was blessed to grow our family through the miracle of adoption in our state's foster system.  I didn't get picked by birth parents.  I didn't get to hold them the day they were born... in fact, I didn't get to hold them until they were 6 months old, 2 years old and eighteen-months old.  I didn't get to see their first smiles.  I didn't get to see my girls crawl or stumble around in their first steps.  I didn't get to cut their hair for the first time.  I didn't get to hear their first words.  Yet, even missing all those firsts... I am now their mother.  We have closed adoptions... the birth parents choose not to be a part of my children's lives.  One set of parents were teenagers when they said, Goodbye to Fan-C.  The other parents live a rough and dangerous life.  We had to move to keep our crew safe.  
 Hold your babies and know that YOU are the lucky one.  You were blessed to have your wee ones from the get go.  You are so blessed to share all their firsts with them... 
I am excited to hear that you are expecting, again.  
Just please understand that I won't be attending your baby shower... 

Okay, I'm ready to get off this ride...

We are still in the 'hurry-up-and-wait' mode on the new wee man.  He is almost fourteen months old now.  I can't believe we have been trying to have him placed since he was nine days old.  NINE DAYS OLD!!!  The red-tape and bureaucracy of the state adoption system is beyond extensive and ridiculous.  They ask for families to step up and foster and/or adopt and then they make it so incredibly hard that very few families actually make it to the 'end'.  So we trudge on... we continue to wait.

Lance's father passed away December 2, 2013.  It was unexpected, yet peacefully.  He said his evening prayers with Mom and they gave each other their goodnight kiss.  Mom got up to go use the bathroom and while gone she heard a strange sound from the bedroom and called out to Dad.  He never answered.  She came out to him and tried to "wake him up"... he was already gone.  The doctors said his heart simply stopped.  It was done doing it's job.  Our entire family (Lance's brothers) traveled to Texas to rally around Mom and lay Dad to rest.  My crew have never experienced death of someone close to them.  They were mourning their grandpa but so enjoyed spending nine days with cousins that they get to only see at Sunriver every year.  It was a horrible reason to see family, but so wonderful to see them.  
As I was driving up to the airport, a song jumped into my mind.  I started singing it... my kids and Lance were all sleeping.  Lance hadn't slept since the phone call the night before.  "O My Father"... I knew that Dad wanted me to sing that at his funeral.  Mom approached me the next morning and asked me to sing.  THAT was HARD!  I wanted to do the song justice but didn't know if my emotions would allow me to sing.  I practiced at the church with the sister who would accompany me and I did okay... even with Lance bawling in the audience.  BUT, the day of... wow!  I was regretting committing to do it.  I was a bundle of nerves.  I was so emotional.  I was drained from supporting Lance and my children (each melted down at different times and I was being the rock for all of them).  I uttered a few fervent prayers and did it.  I felt strong, my voice held out true and it was beautiful.  I am so grateful that I could honor Dad's memory using my talent.  He is sorely missed and we love him "heaps".   

Our leasers have now informed us that due to credit issues they will not be able to purchase our home after all.  They are still renting the home... for now.  We have no clue when/if they will be moving out.  We are trying to figure out a plan... sell it (at a loss), continue to rent it to Shannons or another family OR return to Texas and live in it ourselves.  I know, craziness.  Lance is really feeling pulled to return.  He wants to be near his mom and help at the family farm.  Our crew's education in Texas was legions ahead of the curriculum that Oregon has to offer.  Me?  Well, I want to be where Heavenly Father needs us to be.  I had no choice about moving before... we were forced to Vegas and then on to Dallas.  No vote, just told.  If we were to return to Texas it would be our choice.  I want my family to be happy.  I want to serve wherever we are supposed to be.  We have made it a matter of fasting and prayer and we feel confident that the Lord will provide a way for us no matter where we are to be.  

Crazy roller coaster eh?  We are praying that some things will come to a resolution soon... the new wee man and where we are to live.  I really dislike limbo-land... I'm ready to get off this ride now... thanks.

One step closer...

I was watching a video this morning about a family that adopted their wee lil man from Bulgaria.  At the end of the video they had a video of their two children together.  

The music was THIS song.   

ADOPTION 

(click on the word ADOPTION)  Ignore the Twilight video... LISTEN to the words. 

I bawled my stinkin' head off.  I don't mean tears flowing and a few sniffs... I mean like sobbed, ugly, snot running down your face bawled.  It made me think of all the years, paperwork, tears, paperwork, heartbreak, paperwork, hoop jumping, paperwork... to finally have my crew for forever.  

I have loved them for a 'thousand years'... 

I loved them before I ever met them. 

Being stuck in the 'endless' cycle once again, I have been feeling discouraged and nearing my ending point.  Then after listening to this and reflecting on our three other miracles, it gave me the boost to endure a little more so that we can bring our lil man home.  

Step by step... one step closer.

Happy Halloween!

Tonight will be chili and cornbread to warm up the crew prior to their Trunk-or-Treat outing. 

This year I have a zombie Luigi (from Mario Bros) and two little 50's gals with poodle skirts. The girls are wearing what they wore to my mom's surprise 60th birthday party a couple weeks ago.  Easy peasy.

It is a fall day in Oregon BUT, no rain!!!  

That is a Halloween miracle!

Hope you are enjoying your wee goblins, ghouls and even a princess or two.  

Happy Halloween!

**blogged too soon... it's raining.  BUT that doesn't stop those of us in Oregon.  We're all about layering.  We Trunk-or-Treat on.... 

It's the dreaded one...

Saturday is my birthday and it's the bad one.

I'm going to be 39.2!

Yep, second time around to be 39.

Feeling the age creeping up on me.

Seeing the added wrinkles and even a 
couple 'age spots' on my arms.

My hair has been grey since I was nine years old.  
(started turning grey at 9)

So what do I look forward to in this next decade?

My kids growing, graduating, serving missions...

That is craziness that all this will be coming in the next 10 years!

Enjoy your youth y'all... 

My crew...

Three of our four.

We are so blessed to have them.

Fan-C is eleven and so anxious to grow up... it freaks me out a bit.

Tank is nine and he is 100% boy.

Tiny-T is eight and she is my girly-girl.

Our eldest son, A, lives in Vegas.  We miss him so much. He's 27 and so we no longer get to pick where his 'home' is.

 

 

Grateful...

Got some negative vibes from my previous post.  
Lovely messages like, "you should be grateful you GET to be a mother to your adopted children."
Hmmmm, I did acknowledge that in my post.  
So here is the thing...
Although I have been BLESSED to become a mother through the miracle of adoption, my post was focused on how I was feeling yesterday.

My first child came to us at almost seven months old.  His first smile, first rollover, first crawl, first solid food... all those moments were already done.  I have absolutely NO RECORDS on anything that happened prior to his placement with our family.  

Our second child came four months later and she was 28 months old.  We didn't get to experience ANY firsts in her life.  She was talking, walking, and SPELLING when she was placed with us.  

Our third child came at 18 months old and again, all her firsts were done.  Again, no records to tell us dates or anything for her.  

What I was feeling, what I AM feeling... I just wanted to experience ONE time having a brand new baby placed in my arms.  A new wee one that has all the firsts still to come and that we can experience and celebrate with the child.  So we found out about a little man when he was nine days old!  Shortly before Christmas last year... they wanted to place with us immediately.  We frantically ran around and gathered and prepared to have the BEST Christmas present ever come to our home.  Then we got the call... they were putting the brakes on his case and we would need to wait a little bit.  It has now been 10 months and everyday that passes means that more 'firsts' are passing and we aren't going to be able to know or celebrate those moments with him.  We've jumped through endless hoops and we are still in the 'hurry up and wait' mode.  In this case, I wish we could have been blessed with being able to afford and experience 'traditional' adoption and have him in our arms from the moment he was born.  We haven't ever been able to be blessed with that experience.  

Adoption world is kinda cruel... you make up your file, assemble your scrapbook and have your case study done and then the birth parents flip through endless books and choose a family for their wee one.  Well, I'm never going to win in a popularity contest and we haven't.  YEARS and not one selection.
So those of you blessed to have your own children through childbirth and those of you blessed to adopt from birth... hold onto your wee ones and cherish every moment.  There are many others who would give anything to have those moments too.  

"Chosen"

Today is an angry day.
Today is a day where I get to cry and mourn be frustrated and just be...
Today I feel ripped off.
Today I feel rejected.
Today I feel broken.  (well, I feel THAT everyday)

I love snuggling my friend's babies.
I love getting to celebrate with their announcements and creative reveals.
I love looking at all those wee ones. 
I love their fine soft hair.
I love their chubby snuggle cheeks.
I love hearing all the events that surround these new little ones.
I love hearing the good, the bad and the ugly stories.

And I would give anything and everything to be able 

to have ONE minute of what they have.

I would ...

I'm broken. 
I'm never going to have even a second of those wonderful, amazing, frustrating, tiring, exhausting, perfect moments that they have every blessed day.

I have been 'chosen' to be barren for this life.
I have been 'chosen' to be a mother from the miracle of adoption.
I have been 'chosen' to be given toddlers.  The infants were taken from us and given to family placements.
I have been 'chosen' to never feel a baby wiggle and kick inside of me.
I have been 'chosen' to never see a baby on an ultrasound screen.
I have been 'chosen' to wait and let other people (who can birth their own children) decide when and IF I will ever get to parent another child again.

Absolutely no control. 
We've done all we can do.
Jumped through endless hoops again and again...
and still we wait.

I have been 'chosen' to wait.

Four More Weeks!

NO surgery will be needed!  Yay!  I still have a little over four more weeks of this boot/crutches.  The entire summer will be DONE by the time I get this stinkin' thing OFF!  I'm grateful that I don't have to go through surgery and then do another eight weeks of recovery.  
Being home bound and unable to drive is the worst!  In two weeks I get to drive again.  They gave me a sort of boot/shoe thing that allows me to move my ankle yet still keeps my foot rigid and unbending.  
Lance and I went to see Jim Gaffigan live last night.  We weren't sure if my crutches would be able to 'sit' with us, so we left them in our truck and I used Lance's arm as my crutch.  My foot was SCREAMING and so was my left knee (trying to compensate for my foot).  But I survived!  

Slowly but surely I'll be getting 

back to LIFE!

Vacation...

Lance's family goes on the annual pilgrimage to Sunriver for the Pacific Crest weekend.  Our crew had an amazing time and Fan-C & Tank competed in the junior triathlon.  All was going great and fabulous until Monday, July 1st.  I fell down some steps (that I didn't know were there) and broke my right foot in five or more places.  

Yep, I am that graceful!  Went to the ER that night and then got called to return to the hospital on Wednesday morning to be casted/booted.  They chose a boot due to swelling!  Thank you!!!  I can still take showers!  

So the last half of my vacation consisted of me watching everyone play and enjoy the sun.  I sat on the couch or the porch and overheated in my boot gear.  

Every year I feel so self-conscious on this trip.  I don't BLEND in at all.  The song from Sesame Street, "One of these things is not like the other...", runs through my head the entire week.  I worry that I am embarrassing Lance and/or the kids the entire time.  I even broke down and cried while trying to keep up with everyone (while on crutches) for our mass family picture.  I know some family members would prefer that I not be a part of some activities.  I was uninvited to an activity this year as well... I downplayed it but it HURT like hell!  

Today some pictures were posted showing fun activities and I looked through them and came across one... a picture of my sister-in-laws watching a sunset together.  Simple and the picture is incredible, yet I burst out bawling!  Another "sisters" picture.  This is an annual thing.  The 'sisters' take pictures together and they get posted on facebook and/or family reunion book and I am NEVER in the shot.  I'm never at the 'sisters' activity.  They go hiking and take pics.  Yes, I choose not to go hiking.  They go swimming/sunbathing and take pics.  The world will NEVER be ready to see me doing any of that.  They go shopping and take pics.  I've never been invited to go shopping.  This year they went and watched the sunset together over a river.  Not invited.  True, this shot only had three of the five sister-in-laws in it.  Since this is an annual thing (for me) it just sent me over the edge.  The ladies went with our eldest niece, Sienna and enjoyed 'sister' time.  I just don't blend.  I don't belong.  I know that I don't make for artsy pictures and since my sister-in-laws are GORGEOUS, I realize that I don't 'match'.  I love these ladies and I'm so happy that they enjoy time together... it just hurt to see another picture of them enjoying time together and bonding doing things that I didn't even know were an option.  (I'm just rambling now.  This is a vent post.  I don't need anyone to 'fix' anything.)  

So, my foot will be booted for another five weeks... already over a week and half down.  Next week I go get new xrays taken to see if they will need to do surgery and try to fix two toes that are going their own direction.  My take on it is, I am never going to be a foot model so let them be tweaked.  :o)    

I was supposed to serve as a unit leader for girl's camp this August, that won't be happening.  I assembled and gathered together the items the new unit leader will need.  It broke my heart.  I wanted to go to camp!  I haven't been in years and thought this was the beginning of another 'streak', guess not.  My klutzyness (I know, not a real word) ROCKS! 

Life - POST - GameOn!

So Lance and I completed our GameOn! Challenge... he lost 15 lbs and I lost 26 lbs/76 overall!  Lance won second place for the men and his team won third place for points!  He got cash for both wins.  Great job Lance!  

We went on vacation with Lance's family for ten days and upon return we weighed... I was afraid to... but we maintained our weight loss!!!  So happy!!!!

We are back on our schedules... continuing GameOn!, even if we aren't officially playing this round.

Git 'r Done!!!

GAME ON!!!!

Seriously the BEST $10 I have EVER spent!

Just completed week 3 and I am down 20 lbs. with Game On and 70 lbs. overall!!!

I'm drinking 4-5 liters of water a day but I swear I pee out at least 20 liters a day! ;o)

Lance is still going strong as well and doing great!  He is only 15 lbs. from his overall goal.  

More than 21 days in and I am getting less and less tempted to have my Rt44 cranberry limeade from Sonic (my bad habit I am avoiding) and I have been reading my scriptures everyday (my good habit I am forming).  Working out is going great and I did a double session yesterday so that I could ensure making my 1% weekly weight loss ~ I killed it!  

Three more weeks with this official Game On round but I really want to keep going... this is working for me.  Some have asked what I eat, great food in moderation... I eat NOTHING after 8pm but that has really been nothing after dinner.  I have avoided sugar and my real downfall, chips/salsa.  I don't tell myself that I can't have anything, that way I am making the choice to choose great food choices not that I am being punished.  Does that make sense?  Well it does to me and it's working.

So onto game 4!!!

Git 'r Done!!!!

Game On ~ part three...

As mentioned in part two, we went camping for five days and that limited our food choices and it showed on our slow down on the scale.  GREAT NEWS... neither of us gained, just slowed down our loss.  We are still headed the right direction and that is what REALLY rocks!  

I am gaining a lot of energy and Lance was surprised to come home from work yesterday and see that I had mowed the lawn and pruned back our porch-vine-from-HELL (seriously grows like crazy and is unable to be killed ~ trust me, I've tried!  But that is another post.)!!!  Did five loads of laundry (that is more than six trips up and down our stairs~which I HATE!) but they were done and folded, dishes done... Now, I do keep our house up, I don't sit around eating bon-bons... but I usually wait and try to cram it all in when I'm upstairs for the night (laundry) or we are completely out of dishes.  But since we started Game On!, I have had the energy and the desire to keep moving.  I love that benefit!!!

We are still chuggin' loads of water.  I'm still drinking about 4 - 4 1/2 liters a day.  I haven't had one Cranberry Limeade for over two weeks and my scripture reading is going amazing.  

Now onto week 3 ~ we are committed to switch things up a bit and get some major numbers on the scale again.  

Git 'r done!!!!

Game On ~ part two!

We finished week 1 of Game On with a BANG!  Lance lost 8.8 lbs. and I lost 14 lbs.  That makes my total (overall) loss 64 lbs.!  To say I am stoked, is an understatement!  

Chuggin' three liters of water a day is not enough for me.  I am drinking 4 - 4 1/2 liters a day.  Any less and I am THIRSTY!  It's all in the water drinking!!!  

We camped over Memorial Day weekend and I was wearing pants that I have had and I could not keep them up!  When I tried to carry my keys and phone in the pockets they just kept falling down... Lance was quite amused.  This is great and not so great ~ I LOVE that I am losing but I can't afford to buy new clothes as we go along here... I'm thinking that safety pins are going to become my friends real quick.  

On we go... Git 'r done! 

Game ON!

Okay, so Lance and I have joined the 'game', Game On!  It is 78 people who are all on teams of 3-5 people and they are all working toward the common goal of developing good habits, shunning bad habits, drinking a TON of water, eating right, exercising, at least, 20 minutes every day and LOSING WEIGHT!

Today is day ONE.  I was done with my 3 liters of water by 1pm.  I read my scriptures (good habit) this morning, worked out while watching "People's Court" and drove past Sonic and resisted getting a drink (my bad habit)!  I am eating great (for three days now) and not eating anything after 8pm (SOOOO hard for me). 

I am on a team with three other ladies, we are called the Victorious Secret!  (or Team 12)
Lance is on a team with three other guys and I don't know their team name.  (Team 3)

You earn points for all of your different areas every day.  100 points per day and you report weekly.  The team with the highest number of points wins cash!  Also the top two men and top two women who lose the highest percentage of weight also win cash!

I am so excited!  I'm going to rock this thing and win some MONEY!!!!

As it gets rollin' I will post my stats... not today.  BUT, a huge P.S., I weighed myself to begin this journey and found out I was about 50 lbs. lighter!   THAT is AMAZING!
 

So come on y'all GIT 'R DONE!!!!

GAME ON!!!!

The Ugly Truth... (a few T.M.I. moments)

(Started in February 2013  ~ just too chicken to post...)

Infertility SUCKS!

December 28th marked three years of FREEDOM!  Freedom from having to deal with 9 month bleeding sessions.  Freedom from having to bring towels when I went places so that I didn't "leak" on their chairs and couches.  Freedom from spending so much money on tampons that were basically useless.  I celebrate this freedom.  I am soooooo happy I don't have to deal with all that crud any longer.

A week ago today my husband and I requested copies of our Patriarchal Blessings.  During the three year move-fests they have been either lost, thrown out or are still packed away.  We received them in the mail yesterday.  So this morning I read mine.  Well reread mine.  OH.MY.WORD, I was so unprepared for the anger that would start surging through me.  I got to a part that talks about how blessed and 'great' my childbearing would be and BOOM!  I exploded. 

December 28th, Freedom Day, was prayed about.  I prayed about my decision to have a hysterectomy.  Although it was medically necessary to 'save my life', I still prayed about whether I needed to 'tough it out' for a bit longer.  Everything fell into place for this surgery to take place.  I felt at peace.  Lance and I had done testing and meds and other avenues to create a baby between the two of us and it just wasn't going to happen.  PCOS was plaguing me and Lance had problems/issues with his swimmers as well.  We were not going to do much creating together.  So when I read the line about 'childbearing' ~ I lost it. 

I made a stupid choice when I was almost 27 years old.  I was a returned missionary and serving as a Relief Society president in my ward.  My choice stopped my life as I knew it.  I was no long the Relief Society president, I couldn't even pray in public ~ so all callings or opportunities for service were gone.  I spiraled into depression big time.  My faith and my place in it were a huge part of my life and they were all gone.  I worked, prayed, fasted, repented and gained back my "life" about a year later.  I was able to attend the temple again and could teach, visit teach, pray (in public), partake of the sacrament again... it was amazing.  I went from the lowest of lows back to the top. 

Lance and I began dating about six months later and five months after that, we were sealed in the Portland Temple as husband and wife for eternity.  I was on cloud 9. 

Then we started down the flippin road of infertility. 

Why does my blessing say that "childbearing will be a great experience"?  For who?  For the biological mothers who have given birth to all of my kids and then made poor choices in their lives and lost their children.  Should I have held out longer ~ I have some friends who finally got pregnant after a dozen years of marriage (and more)?  Or, did I LOSE that promise when I made my stupid choice? 

Isn't repentance complete?  I've seen other's poor choices and once repentance was done ~ tons of pure blessings flowed their way... Did my choice VOID out my Patriarchal Blessing?

(ADDED TODAY April 21, 2013)
I'm LDS.  I am in the Young Women Presidency ~ counselor over the Beehives.  We had a lesson on the priesthood today and one of the young ladies asked why she can't have the priesthood.  The adviser (teacher) gave an amazing answer.  Heavenly Father is very fair and didn't give all the 'power' to one sex over the other.  To men, the power of the priesthood & to women, the power of procreation.  So I fought back tears and calmed myself down... instantly I start hearing, I'm not worthy of ANY power.  I don't get to have an intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father and help bring a life into this world... EVER!  I started telling myself, you are NOT worthy to have that blessing, opportunity and experience.  Then I opened this blog account and found this post that I had written months ago and how ironic... it's about infertility.  I think that infertility is / has been MY biggest trial in this life.  It is ugly.  It is cruel.  It is heartbreaking.  I'm barren.  I was barren before my uterus was surgically removed.

Will there ever be PEACE?!?  Today, I'm bruised.  Today, I'm broken.  Today, I'm weeping... I just want PEACE.  Simple, life sustaining ~ peace.

Step 127: This feels familiar...

This has been Spring Break for my crew. I have no idea how much they liked it or didn't like it. I've been lost in the world of packing/cleaning/staging our home to sell. We got it all done too before Friday. So we had the realtor come on Friday instead of Saturday (today) to take pictures and paperwork and get our house on the market. As of ten minutes ago ~ 31 hours AFTER said appointment... our home is still NOT on the market according to the real estate world. *sigh* I had visions of getting tons of phone calls today and trying to figure out how to entertain my crew away from home to accommodate the throngs of people who all wish to purchase this beautiful clean staged creation. No luck ~ I even wore green for St. Patty's day trying to draw some of the luck o' the Irish into this selling venture. Maybe they'll have it on tomorrow... I'm hoping. We are on a time schedule (a rather tight one ~ especially in this market).
Lance gave me a blessing on Monday night... all will work out. I keep repeating that to myself. We have had a TON of blessings during this process and I do acknowledge that our Heavenly Father is definitely mindful of our family. We are supposed to move back to the PNW and we will... we just have to trust that everything else will fall into place. So I just keep my cell phone charged so that when all those calls do start pouring in... I'll be prepared to field them.
While packing and cleaning I had some major deja vu moments. I've been packing and staging and moving for over two years now. I'm ready to go home and settle, for good.

This feels familiar and exciting.

I'm comin' home!

Step 126: There's No Place Like Home... (click, click, click)

So I have been 'clicking' my ruby slippers for two years now and finally figured out they needed a major overhaul in order to get them back in proper working condition. About two weeks ago Lance came home with them and I clicked them three times and BAM! They are working great!

Really, Lance came home and said that we have been given the green light to finally return to Oregon. (with a few provisions... of course)

WE are so excited!

A lot of things need to fall into place for this to come to fruition and so the praying, repairing, praying, landscaping, praying, realtor shopping is in full swing. Our home is the HUGE hurdle we need to clear. Once the home part is worked out then everything else will be 'cake'.

I have had so many emotions. We need a miracle and are we really allowed to ask for such a thing from our Heavenly Father? I know he loves us and wants the best for our family... but are we allowed to go to Him and say, "Please send one monster miracle to us. Thank you." I then think, why would He dangle this HUGE carrot in front of us if it wasn't to be?!?

So all the praying, repairing, staging and packing will continue with an eye to the future and we just have to trust our Heavenly Father that he will provide the miracle we need for our journey to Oregon.

So.... our journey takes us home. Back to the majority of our family and all of my friends.

There truly is NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

Step 125: Christmas Countdown... our daily plan.

I have posting a daily entry on my facebook page and on our family blog about our Christmas Countdown. I highlight the activity that we will be doing the next day, hence why it appears to be a "day ahead".

We have done this with our crew since they were wee babes. When they were lil ones we did a lot of reading books and a few movies. Now that they are older, our countdown includes lots of activities. Need ideas or just curious how the Stanley's do Christmas in Texas... check it out.

CLICK <------ HERE.

Merry Christmas Y'all....

(This is in response to Megan's comment...)

Step 124: To sing or NOT to sing....

Since the dawn of time... for me... I have been asked to sing at Christmas. I LOVE IT! It is the best time of year to be asked. My favorite things about this time of year are the lights and the music.
When Lance moved us from Oregon, April 2010, my song invitations ended. Well, to be fair... we were in like four wards in Vegas and had just moved to Texas before the holiday season 2010. The second I stepped into Texas they shoved me in Primary... so I know a LOT of kiddos but no parents and the kids don't care if you can sing or not.
I have been overheard singing at church on Sundays and invited to choir many times... but the choir times are not conducive with our family's schedule. (maybe 2012) So, I get a call last week from a member of the Relief Society presidency asking me to sing for their Christmas activity that happened tonight. I agreed and went to work finding music. I selected four different songs (so the pianist could pick what was easy for them to play) and went about trying to find an accompanist. NO LUCK. I asked seven women in the ward and they either said, "No." or were not going to be coming tonight due to other plans. I emailed, I called, I talked to sisters... no luck. I started panicking. Then I was told the home we were meeting at didn't have a piano. A sister agreed to bring a keyboard (ugh ~ don't like singing with electric keyboards...) but I could NOT find anyone to play.
I began to pray. I prayed, begged, pleaded... please help me to find a person willing to play. A couple more days went by and I had a thought come into my mind. I was reminded of a lullaby I had done years ago at the singles ward. A lullaby that was performed acapella. I prayed and asked if this was the song I was to sing... no pianists ever stepped forward, so I began preparing to sing alone... freak! I like singing with a piano... it gives me support and comfort... I'm not up there alone. I practiced this week, a LOT.
I get to the home tonight and a keyboard is set up. I apologize to the woman who brought it and explain that I had let people know that I wouldn't need it... she said they were going to play an opening hymn with it. Okay... no worries. They went to use it, nothing. It would not turn on... if I had been planning one of the songs to be performed with a piano I would have been FLIPPING OUT!
I went up front and talked about Mary and her new baby and displayed a picture. Then I sang. I am so grateful that I had been led to sing unaided. This was my debut in this ward and I feel like it went okay. I hope I'm asked again, if not... no worries.
I'm grateful that Heavenly Father helped me to showcase my talent. A talent given to me by Him. I'm grateful that He led me to a song that He wanted performed...
I'm grateful that I choose to sing. I was trying to talk myself out of doing it all week...

Step 123: Christmas, again?!?

This has been a fabulous Christmas season.

Shopping was done before Halloween and my countdown to Christmas was planned out and ready too. I've been able to just ENJOY the season through the eyes of my wee crew. We have been decorating the tree, reading Christmas books, making hot chocolate, watching movies and gettin' crafty. It has been so great.

Time if flying so fast! We've been out of Oregon almost 21 months! WHAT?!? Some days it feels like I've been gone for ten years and other days it feels like we just got here. I think time is speeding up! My crew are growing so fast. Lance and I are closing in on ten years together. WHAT?!? We just got engaged, yesterday!

Whether time is speeding up or not... I want to wish y'all a very Merry Christmas! I hope that you are enjoying your family and the blessings of the season.

Merry Christmas Y'all...

Step 122: 11/11/11 Veteran's Day!

Today is November 11, 2011

Veteran's Day!

Wanted to post a huge THANK YOU

to all of the soldiers who have fought and are fighting for our country.

My family enjoys this amazing country and our freedom and we thank you...

God Bless the USA!!!

The land of the free and the home of the brave.