"Chosen"

Today is an angry day.
Today is a day where I get to cry and mourn be frustrated and just be...
Today I feel ripped off.
Today I feel rejected.
Today I feel broken.  (well, I feel THAT everyday)

I love snuggling my friend's babies.
I love getting to celebrate with their announcements and creative reveals.
I love looking at all those wee ones. 
I love their fine soft hair.
I love their chubby snuggle cheeks.
I love hearing all the events that surround these new little ones.
I love hearing the good, the bad and the ugly stories.

And I would give anything and everything to be able 

to have ONE minute of what they have.

I would ...

I'm broken. 
I'm never going to have even a second of those wonderful, amazing, frustrating, tiring, exhausting, perfect moments that they have every blessed day.

I have been 'chosen' to be barren for this life.
I have been 'chosen' to be a mother from the miracle of adoption.
I have been 'chosen' to be given toddlers.  The infants were taken from us and given to family placements.
I have been 'chosen' to never feel a baby wiggle and kick inside of me.
I have been 'chosen' to never see a baby on an ultrasound screen.
I have been 'chosen' to wait and let other people (who can birth their own children) decide when and IF I will ever get to parent another child again.

Absolutely no control. 
We've done all we can do.
Jumped through endless hoops again and again...
and still we wait.

I have been 'chosen' to wait.