No matter how much I wanted to yell, silence still manage to pierce through the night. That big lump is still stucked in my throat, and the heavy rock is never lifted from my chest. And I realized, it's too late to realize that the deadlines are forcing themselves towards me. I have written almost 30 pages and that still couldn't conclude everything I have done in the past 11 weeks. Crap. I will just need to write more.

I miss the beach. I miss the sea.I miss the me, stress-free.

Facebook

Facebook makes things official.

It was like 'Siti and Abu are now friends'.
And then it's like yeah we are finally friends!

When you know a new friend, he/she will be like 'I will add u on FB!'
Again, and you explore them through FB.

And then when someone's status changed from Single to In a relationship,
It makes such a big chaos that people starts to stalk FB and try to find out who the other one is.

And so it happens too when my status turned Single.
It is official.
And by saying that I feel 10000 knives stabbing into my heart.
I am now officially single.

Thanks to all the people who cares, who didn't care about the reason you broke up,
because close friends would have known why, and those not so close friends don't have to know.
Afterall it's just a matter between the couple isn't it.

I know you guys care, for those that would have know and pretended that nothing happen, trying to talk to me.For those who have encouraged me, who gives me support without any questions.And for those who thought I am really brave to make this decision, I totally appreciate the understanding.

I guess we are still in love. It's just that it is hard to be together. I appreciate everything that he has done, and I am sorry to have to hurt him by ending it. It hurts me twice as much as I hurt him, and I am too weak to even look back now. I have to look forward, with all the strength I have left, and continue my journey without him.
There is no right and wrong. I know it is hard to try to get use to a life without each other after we have been together for almost 5 years, but time heals.

Just hoping one day, when we look back at this, we are all healed and strong, and we would just smile at the memories that we were innocently in love.

I can cope with my stress.

I can cope with my stress.

I can cope with my stress.

I wish by typing it for three times it will eventually be real.

Life hasn't been easy for me recently.

And whatever that happens,

I am grateful that you are always here with me

I love you babe <3

Apparently I left my blog empty for a few days. The blogaholic thing is not true.
I am freaking tired and exhausted now. Med Chem 3rd year is no joke man.
It seems like I did do a lot but I have so many things left undone. Perhaps I wasn't working hard enough.
Time is all taken up by the academic stress. And so I have no time left for any more arguments and unhappiness.
But when they popped up, everything became stagnant. Like I have to waste the last bit of energy after subtracting all other efforts I need for my normal academic and life, and then I will be left with no energy at all.
Can someone just spare me from all these, and leave me at least with some energy?

I don't know. Perhaps life is something I can't control. Feelings as well.

一厢情愿的以为

今天跟s聊天，才了解到的‘一厢情愿’的道理。
原来，一厢情愿不止可以用在爱情上，
连友情上也有很多的一厢情愿。

我们说，是不是我们太一厢情愿了？
一厢情愿的以为我们是好朋友，其实对方并没有把我们放得那么重？
会不会一厢情愿觉得我们可以理所当然，因为我们是很好的朋友？
而这“很好的朋友"的定义，也是我们自己的一厢情愿？

我是一个把友情看的很重的人。标准的天蝎。
我把他当朋友的人，我真的会付出，会真心，会不顾一切。
是不是那份真心，那份付出，那个不顾一切，造就了‘一厢情愿’的画面？
是不是那份真心，那份付出，那个不顾一切，让“很好的朋友"却步？
让“很好的朋友"想要一步一步地逃离我的魔掌？
还是我对那个“很好的朋友"要求太高？
我不要求平等的回报，只是想要觉得我也是那个“很好的朋友"的好朋友而已。。

是的，我一直以为我是那个“很好的朋友"的好朋友，
非常的一厢情愿，非常的自以为是？

曾经，也被一个自以为是“很好的朋友"的人背叛。
不能说背叛，只能说。。是莫名其妙，被那个“很好的朋友"，很有计划地，彻底的，从我们的生活中消失。还真的不知道那个“很好的朋友"是怎么做到的，竟然可以就这样一声不响地走了，然后身边的朋友可能知道，也可能不知道原因，但是没有人愿意再提起这个话题。知道的时候，我很气，可是接下来换来的就只是心痛。一个以位是“很好的朋友"的人，可以这样什么也没说，然后从此就当作不认识你一样。那时候，我真的不愿意相信那个“很好的朋友"是这样子的人，我找借口说服自己，说他有他的苦衷。可是事到如今，隔了那么久，突然觉得自己的执著是愚蠢，才发现，自己一直是那个一厢情愿的人。

然后，现在，以为是“很好的朋友"的人，竟然，好像也是自己的一厢情愿。
我恨自己的执著，我恨我可以把友情看得比爱情还重。
自己觉得是对方“很好的朋友”，什么事情都会互相分享，
现在想想，好像又是自己一厢情愿地分享而已，
或许，对方已经厌倦了我当他是“很好的朋友”，
想想这样我应该满烦的。。

s问我说，为什么人要变？为什么友情不是越变越好？
为什么有时候是越变越有距离？
老朋友最好。
但是老朋友也是会变。
老朋友始终会有新朋友，会有另一半，会有不同的生活，会有很多别的“很好的朋友"，然后当很多“很好的朋友"突然彼此变成了“很好的朋友"的时候，我们的位子，又是在哪里？
而我们这个一厢情愿“很好的朋友"，到底还是“很好的朋友"吗，或者，我们曾经是吗？

Shit Happens

I lost my baggage.

no,

THEY lost my baggage.

Was waiting in front of the carousel very patiently and at the end when everybody leaves, no sign of my luggage appeared. I knew this would happen, I had a really bad feeling about this before.

Went to the baggage claim counter and they tried to trace my bag, and no sign or report that they have found mine yet, and not even a single record of my bag appeared at which airport!

I am really moodless right now.scared.worried.

What if I would never get my baggage back?It has all my clothes my souvenirs and presents inside!It is like taking away everything I have gain in Europe!

Let's pray that this wouldn't happen. By the time I wake up tommorow there will be people calling me saying they have found my luggage and they are delivering it now.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
I would be a vegetarian for a week if I get my luggage back.
Can you hear me? Tih kong, guan yin ma and all the gods.
PLEASE!

Bye bye Deustchland

In 15 Stunden, bin ich wieder nach Hause zu fliegen.
In 15 hours, I am flying back to home

Ich werde Deutschland vermissen.
I will miss Germany.


I will miss Erlangen.

It was the hardest day of my life in Germany.
Today I went person to person in my lab, my friends, my classmates, my teachers, my floor mates to say Goodbye.
I don't know what to say except thank you for making my life in Germany awesome and giving me so many precious memories.
I said, the Germany stay was way more fantastic than I have imagined.

I still remember before I came I had all these bad expectations, what if Germans are really rude and bad? What if my life here is so miserable that I had such a terrible homesick? What if the people I meet here sucks? What if the food sucks? What if Germany sucks?

And today, after 5 months and a week living in Germany, I shall say out loud I am definitely dumb and naive to have all those imaginations about Germany as none of them are valid.
Germans are the best people I have met, and Germany is really awesome.
And all the people I have met are really amazing.

Words couldn't express how much I love you guys and how much I appreciate everything that all of you had done for me. I am sure we will meet each other again in the future.

And today I learnt, the hardest thing to say isn't I Love you or Sorry

but

GoodBye.

A good day and aweful night

Today. Is a very happening day.

I have been really anxious about getting a bike and my ATM card. Finally, I HAVE GOT A BIKE and my ATM card arrived this afternoon! Being really excited I rode the bike to the nearest bike shop to try to fix some little problems, and I realised I can't even pump the tyre. Luckily the very nice boss helped me to do it.. and it's FOC.

By the time I got home it was already 6.30pm, so I rushed to changed cause I had to meet up with my friends at 7 to go to an Irish pub for Guiness 250th Anniversary. They said they are giving free food and beers. Heidi and Ritchie rode in front of me and when they successfully went up a pedestrian path from the road, which was higher, the very unskillful me "BANG!!!" and when they turned around they saw me and my bike both lying on the floor. GOSH it was so scary!! Now I know falling off from a bike is not a joke, it hurts!! Luckily I didnt bleed, and my natural insticts used my hands to block my face from hitting the ground. PHEW.

OK when we reached the Irish pub, they said the event haven't started so we kinda wait and ordered something to eat. I had cereal, bread, and a piece of pizza the wholeday and I was extremely hungry. When our meal came(where 3 of us shared), I ate like a wolf but still the portion wasn't a meal's portion and that means I haven't got my proper dinner yet. Well, this week I have been eating lotsa junks and not having proper meals :( I always have bread for meals, and that's the reason why I get gastric later at the irish pub. I sensed the pain in my stomach and I hardly can speak anymore. The gastric gas was like running all over my stomach. I went to the toilet twice and finally I puked all the "dinner". God I think many people puked in the pub because they had too much alcohol but i puked in the bar because I had a terrible stomachache =.="

Couldn't stand it anymore I decided to ride home myself. Well If anyone has the terrible stomachache experience, you should know that you can hardly move an inch because once I moved the pain increases and my legs go jelly. Well I still have to ride home and the chilly night breeze + stomachache + jellied legs made the 5 minutes ride the worst ever.

Finally I reached my beloved dorm and sprinted to the toilet. Yes, I have diarrhea everytime I had "that particular gastric". But well I went to the toilet 3 times and finally I felt way better. But still, my stomach is still aching and my leg has gone blue-black because of the fall.

I didn't know how to describe my day as the things that I have waited for so long arrived but a series of accidents happened after that.

Afterall I guess it's just a very happening day.

I am going to curl in my lovely warmy blanket and forget about my pains.

Nights.

What Will Be Will Always Be

Thanks for all those friends who cared, there is nothing I can do now except WAITING.

Life's full of worries.

I called the German Uni's officer today and she was very very very nice, she was offering me as much help as she can, she asked for the embassy fax's number because she said she will sent a letter there and try and see if it helps. Thanks Elzbieta :) We have tried to find out a few ways to solve this problem. If I can get over there before 8th of Sept which is before the German course starts, I would be able to join. Or else I would have to go for the extensive one during Oct when I start my research in the uni. Well of course I hope to go to the Intensive one MORE as I will get to know more people..

I prayed to god yesterday,silently. Well it's kinda last minute, wahaha seriously I am like that. Hopefully my prayers will be heard. Anyway, that's life isn't it? When you walk out from the nice little cosy arms of your parents, you learn to deal with things and problems yourself. Its just anytiime you feel like falling, they will always stretch out their arms for you.

But I believe there will be sunshine, if this road is blocked, why not try another path?

You know what you deserve from a call from the embassy?

I know life is full of obstacles but CAN I CHOOSE NOT THIS TIME??

I just received a call from the German Embassy, and YES THE PEOPLE WORKING IN THE EMBASSY ARE F**KING RUDE AND UNHELPFUL.

Emassy officer:Hello is that Miss Jo Ann?

Me : Yes?

E.O : Oh I would like to inform you that your visa will not be ready by this week, so you don't need to come and collect your visa.

Me: (WTH) Errr.. But I am flying next week, so what can I do?

E.O : There is nothing you can do, just wait for our call when your visa is ready. The german authority has break the 4 weeks waiting rule. Or you can fly to germany first, but once your visa is ready you have to fly back and collect.

Me: (Dunno what to do, so helpless) Well, the German uni once told me that I can actually enter Germany first and register the residence permit there.

E.O : (with a f**king fierce and impatient voice) YOU CANNOT DO THAT, YOU WILL BE DEPORTED FROM GERMANY AND BLACKLISTED BY ALL THE EUROPEAN COUNTRIES.

Me : (wahlau, so scared) oo..k.. So I can enter Germany without a visa first?

E.O : (still with the f**king annoying impatient voice) Didn't I just told you that you can fly into germany first but once the visa is ready you have to fly back immediately!!!!!

Me: OK OK.Thanks Bye.




What the f**k!!! I think that person is a Malaysian lor, she doesn't have those accent. She can speak fluent german too.SO now I OWE YOU lar?? AFTER I PAID 400++ bucks to do the visa, and you can't explain in a better way?? Its not the first time ad, when I called a few times before I did my visa application they too treat me with that kind of attitude. WHAT KIND OF STUPID ATTITUDE IS THIS? Another senior which has this kind of experience once told me she had experienced this kind of unfriendliness too.

SO NOW I THOUGHT THE EMBASSY IS SUPPOSE TO OFFER HELP FOR THOSE WHO WANTS TO GO TO THE COUNTRY. LIKE I AM GOING TO SPEND IN YOUR COUNTRY AND I DESERVE THAT SHIT. I don't care what nationality of whoever that works in there, if I know everything I wouldn't need to call you ad lar.. Damm pissed!! After all the 1 Malaysia and everything, Malaysians ought to treat OTHER MALAYSIANS like this. And ruddy hell, you are working in the embassy, a place that have to see people and serve people, don't you think you should at least practice some patience!

And that's what you deserve from a call from the embassy.

p/s: sorry for all the f**k, I am damm pissed off now!