Frustrated

That's how I feel today. The reasons are myriad, and I don't really feel like going into them right now. Suffice it to say that having people do things according to THEIR schedule (as opposed to mine) is irritating to say the least. Does this make me a control freak? Perhaps. We've already established codependent tendencies, so that's not really a surprise.

The difference today is not how I am feeling, but how I am handling it. I'm taking a minute to acknowledge that I'm frustrated, then I'm finding something else to do. I'm blogging, I'm reading, I'm cleaning the kitchen.

Instead of stewing, I'm trying to keep moving. So even if the feelings are familiar, the reaction that I'm choosing is different. That's not to say that I'm suppressing my feelings, because we all know how well that works. I'm not trying to do anything with my frustration except acknowledge that it's there. But I am also not erupting, I'm not fixing anything, and I'm not forcing the issue.

Baby steps here, people.

Um. . .WHAT?!?

Proof that his reality is nothing like mine:

Mo: "Whatcha doin?"

Jo: "Watching Braveheart."

Mo: "Me, too!" (he is in the bedroom, I am in the living room. He calls me to carry on this conversation -- another issue entirely)

Mo: "I was just thinking. . . "

Jo: "Mhmm?"

Mo: "What do you think about renewing our vows? While the Reverend is still alive?"

Jo: "Ummm. . .what?"


I mean, REALLY.

Words, Words, Words

Words! Words! Words!
I'm so sick of words!
I get words all day through;
First from him, now from you!
Is that all you blighters can do?

--excerpt from "Show Me" from My Fair Lady

Before Mo left last night, he trivialized his choice. "It's having a beer with the guys, or a divorce, huh?" he asked. No, I told him. It's a pattern of behavior that you're unwilling to change. It's acting like you are single, when in fact, you are not. The people he is hanging out with aren't married, aren't as old as he is, don't have half of what he has.

I told him that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. And that, in fact, it was impossible to have both. That he had to pick one or the other.

And then he left.

--------------------

But then he called. Not long after posting this, my phone rang. Before I could even say hello, Mo was telling me that he was on his way home. "You're right. There's nothing out here for me. I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you."

I listened, without saying much. He said the refrain I've heard many times before. How he always thinks going out and having a drink will make him feel better, but how it never does. How he has everything he has always wanted, and he doesn't know why he's screwing it up.

He came home, and talked some more. I finally went to bed around 2 a.m., only to be awakened a while later with more talk. Although it is all the words I long to hear, I'm beginning to get tired of it. Words without action are meaningless.

After listening for a long time, I finally told him so. "I know it's trite, but it's true. Actions speak louder than words." I rolled over and went to sleep.

For now, Mo seems to be making the right choices. Does he really mean what he says? I think he does. Is he able to follow through? I'm not sure. I guess time will tell. In the meantime, I'm about ready to stick my fingers in my ears and "lalalalalala -- I can't hear you!" for the rest of the day.

Too bad I'm not as graceful as Audrey in making my point. Ah, if only life were a musical, with the song and dance followed up by a happy (if unrealistic) ending.

Choices

I'm not terribly proud of the ones that I have made, or that I continue to make. I choose to stay in a marriage that doesn't satisfy me, in hopes that one day it will. I choose to stay with a man who doesn't meet my needs, in hopes that I can find them met elsewhere (that sounds much worse than it is -- I'm not speaking of physical needs, here). I choose to stay with a man who is, at this moment, out boozing it up with his friends for the fourth night this week while I sit at home by myself. Why?

Because the thing I want most is just out of reach. It's THERE. Seven years of infertility about to culminate in The Big Guns, our first real chance at having a baby. Everything I have worked so hard for, have waited so long for, is right there. I can see it. How on earth can I be expected to give up, to walk away NOW?

Will having a child fix my marriage? Of course not. Will it fix me? I hope so.

I hope that having a baby can fill the aching hole in my chest. I hope that raising a child can bring me the joy that is lacking in my everyday life. I hope that finally seeing those elusive two lines, feeling life inside of my empty womb, holding an infant inside my aching arms can bring me the peace that I have sought for so long.

I know that raising children is difficult, that there are lots of pains and trials associated with it. That it is in no way easier AFTER you have kids. That I am supposed to have my shit together before I even think about reproducing. But I also know, deep down in my very soul, that I am meant to be a mother. THAT is my purpose. It's what I've wanted as long as I can remember.

Being forced to give that up, to walk away from my dream when it is so damn close, is probably the cruelest joke the universe has played on me yet.

Pleasantly Surprised

Thank you all for your support and comments this weekend. I was truly very pleasantly surprised that no one (yet anyway) told me that I was being pathetic and stupid. Because, honestly, that's how I feel sometimes. Several good questions were raised in the comments, and I will address them in time. For now, I am simply decompressing, and trying to be good to me.

Of course I ended up exploding at Mo later Saturday night/Sunday morning. I can take only so much, and eventually no matter how hard I try to stay calm and unemotional, my passionate side takes over and out it all comes!

I actually went as far as to pack a suitcase. This isn't as decisive as it sounds, as I have a trip home to see my niece, A. this week already planned. But, it made me feel better to tell Mo that I needed some time to clear my head, to evaluate the situation.

As he slept most of Sunday, I've had plenty of time to think. There's lots rolling about in my head -- more than I can put into a single post. The underlying premise, though, is that I am not going to make any sudden decisions. When I am calm, and not caught up in my emotions, I do believe that making my marriage work is not only possible, but a very rewarding thing. I know that I need to work on finding myself again -- not just for me, but for both of us. Mo deserves an independent, well-rounded and confident partner as much as I deserve to be all of those things.

I also told Mo that I felt that he was backing me into a corner -- that his choices were forcing me to react, and to do things that I didn't really want to do. As I re-read my post, I see lots of "shoulds". Reading your comments has helped me realize that I am, perhaps, "shoulding" myself to death. I keep focusing on how things should be, instead of how they are, or even how I want them to be. It's hard for me to accept that things aren't black and white -- that there may not be a "right" thing to do.

And so I'm back where I was, and yet not. I am still working on letting go, on growing up and becoming more myself, whatever that may be. A few weeks(months?) ago I wrote about how stuck I was feeling. I don't feel that way anymore. Superficially I may be in the same place, but emotionally, spiritually, I am beginning to move forward. Where exactly I am headed, I still don't know. But I'm glad I have you, my bloggy friends, to help me along the way.

I'll Probably Regret This In The Morning

I'm not really an "in the moment" poster. I prefer to wait, to let my emotions and feelings settle a bit, to take the time to play with my words and to get things "right" before putting it out there for all the world to see.

Tonight I am too upset to do that. I may regret this tomorrow (in fact I probably will), but tonight I need to get my thoughts in order. And this blog is how I *intended* to do that all along. So here goes.

Mo is out right now. For the third night in a row. (By out, I don't mean at a bar or club -- he is at a friend's house nearby.) This is a recurring theme in our marriage, one that has caused a lot of strife. It is not the source of our problems, but rather a symptom. I hate being "left behind" and he needs more "space" than I do. I can't help comparing us to other couples (a bad idea, I know). I know that few (if any) people that we know would tolerate this behavior. And yet I have for years, and continue to do so. It bothers me because tonight we had a really great night; in fact, we did last night, too. But each night, after the evening with friends was over, he went to see a buddy "for just a little bit". Wednesday he was out until 4:30 in the morning. Last night he came in about 1:00 a.m, then proceeded to play online poker until 7 a.m. Tonight -- who knows.

I am trying so hard to "let go", and failing miserably tonight. I did call him shortly after he left and calmly explained that I wasn't happy about his choice. I know that is all that I can do. And yet I am still insanely frustrated. Why, why, why does he do this? How can he listen to me explain my hurt and then still so easily walk away?

The thing I hate most is feeling backed into a corner. I know that I should establish boundaries, and that he should have consequences. But I feel like I'm not ready to leave this marriage. And, honestly, after all this time, what other consequence is there? I either put up, or get out. I can't control him, I can't expect him to change. I either have to accept and live with it, or not.

It's the "or not" that scares me. I honestly love my husband. I enjoy his company. Our marriage is good most of the time. Yes, it has been a hell of a rollercoaster at times, but I truly believe he is a good man. He loves me, and supports me. I don't believe he is, or ever has, cheated on me. And yet, I am beginning to believe that I deserve better. I deserve a husband who wants to be home with me, watching "The Late Show" and not playing poker or hanging out with unmarried buddies 10 years younger than he is into the wee hours of the morning.

Maybe all this "self-help" stuff has me overanalyzing things. I don't know anymore. Is this normal behavior in a marriage? I somehow doubt it. Should we even be talking about having kids? Maybe not. And yet, part of me must honestly believe that he has it in him to grow up and be a good father --- why else would I be investing the time and money into this?

One of my books quoted a psychologist who said 98% of families are dysfunctional. Is that what we are destined to be? I sorely hope not, and yet secretly fear it. If he hasn't changed in eight years, why would the birth of a child make anything different?

We all make choices. He has made his, and I have made mine. Good or bad, whether you agree with them or not, I'm here because I choose to be. The crux of the matter is why I choose to stay. Is it love? Is it fear? (Not of him, but of the unknown, of being alone?) Am I a loyal wife or a naive doormat?

I fear that what I paint here is not an accurate picture. Mo is a good man, honestly he is. He has Issues. I have issues. Hell, we all do. The question is: at what point do you decide that enough is enough? Do you ever regret giving up and wish you had stuck it out?

I wish I had a crystal ball and could see what the next ten years has in store. If I only knew how it all came out, perhaps I wouldn't feel so damn lost.

Letting Go (Part 4)

Finally realizing what was wrong with ME was the most relieving (is that a word?)experience I've had recently. Finding out what to do about it was the most freeing. It's like I've been holding my breath for months -- and now I can breathe again. I quote below from an internet article at Livestrong.com (emphasis added by me). Reading it was my Oprah "aha!" moment. Who said you can't find quality information online?

What is detachment?

Detachment is:

* The ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving another person "the space'' to be herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

* The willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.

* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

* The process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.

* The ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.

* Placing all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

* The ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* The ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* The ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''

* The ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

Letting Go (Part 3)

I am an avid reader; books are my lifeline to the world. I love all types of books: fiction, non-fiction, poetry, prose, it doesn't matter. When I find a book that I love, I return to it again and again, like a familiar friend. Similarly, when I find a book that is potentially life-changing, I can't seem to stop talking about it.

My latest find?

Codependence and the Power of Detachment: How to Set Boundaries and Make Your Life Your Own by Karen Casey.

"When we give up judging others, we become accountable for our own behavior and let others -- spouse, family, coworkers -- be accountable for themselves. The power of detachment is a power anyone can claim. It's the power of sanity, of peace, of finding our own inner strength." (from the blurb on the back)

Wow. Doesn't that just say it all?

It's Not You, It's Me

No, seriously.

I've finally figured it out.

Yes, I am unhappy.

Yes, I have issues.

Yes, I wish things were different.

But it's not your fault, and it's not going to stay that way.

I promise.

Letting Go (Part 2)

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short.

--Author Unknown

Letting Go (Part 1)

Imagine you have a dream, one that you've carried with you since childhood. It doesn't matter what the dream is; but it should be substantial. Perhaps this dream is, in your opinion, your purpose, your mission. It's what you are made to do.

Imagine that your dedication to achieving your dream is intense. You are driven, purposeful, willing to do whatever it takes. Nothing is going to stand in your way!

Except, of course, that everything does.

Imagine that, after many years of pursuing this dream, you finally come to the realization that by clinging to it, you are, in fact, actually preventing the dream from becoming reality.

And yet, letting go of the dream is equally impossible. Not only are you not guaranteed the result you desire (in fact it becomes even less likely), it requires such a fundamental shift in who you are that you will never again be the same. Letting go of the dream means letting go of your essence, of what makes you YOU.

In this "no-win" situation, what, my bloggy friends, would you do? Would you be brave enough to let go, to risk everything you have worked so hard for, to give up on your future as you have always seen it? Or would you continue to cling to it, hoping for a breakthrough, a yielding from an unyielding universe?

Which would you choose, knowing that neither is possible?