Boothby In The Garden

Guest Poster: Boothby

As Head Gardener of Starfleet Academy, I have to keep an eye on all the greenery around here. It can be had with these young Cadets here. I tell you they have absolutely no regard for plant life. Those in the classrooms are taught to respect all forms of life, but when it comes to some daisies or a beautifully shaped plant, you can forget it.

I tell you what happened this morning, I went to start and found that an area in a secluded part of the garden had been squashed flat! A couple of young whippersnappers making out together after a party, no doubt. Some Cadets think they come here just for the partying, and that learning how to be in Starfleet is just a small interruption between them.

Things have always been like that, though. That Jean-Luc Picard was one of the most troublesome partygoers I ever knew at the Academy. How he ever got to be a Starfleet Captain is beyond me. Virtually every night he would stagger across the lawns drunk, or I would find him the next morning on a flowerbed, having passed out.

"Hi there, Boothby, Nice to see you." says a female voice.



It's Beverly Crusher. I must say, I always had the hots for her when she was the young Cadet Beverly Howard. She still has great pins. A redhead always looks gorgeous in my book!

"Err...hello Doctor Crusher." I say, reddening slightly, "What brings you to the Academy?"

"Oh, I'm here to give a Surgery lecture at Starfleet Medical." she replies, "Besides that, I can get a bit of shopping done at the Mall. Good to see you still keeping the Academy Gardens looking beautiful, Mr Boothby."

"Yes, well, no one else would do it right." I say, "So I maintain it. If these young whippersnappers only kept off the grass and fauna, my job would be a lot easier."

"Ah, yes." Beverly smiles. "I know Captain Picard wasn't always on his best behaviour as a Cadet, but he asked me to apologise for him."

"That's fine, Doctor Crusher." I tell her, but don't mention that I saw Beverly and Picard kissing six months ago in the Japanese Gardens.

Quite a few rare blooms lost their lives as a result of what followed afterwards!

Beverly smiles and strides off. Ah, if only I were younger.....

Picard Replaced (Part Seven)

Editor's Note:

Now that Captain Picard, Bev, Britney, Seven, Ro Laren, T'Pol and Jennifer, who were fired from Starfleet by Section 31 infiltrators, have found out the plot, and that the rest of the senior staff are awaiting extradition from the Enterprise by Captain Kate Pulaski, the Section 31 Agent, they are planning to break into Starfleet headquarters and kidnap the corrupt Admiral...



Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

It's the dead of night near Starfleet Headquarters. Karena, Jennifer, my soulsistah T'Pol and myself are all prepared to break in.

Funny thing is, T'Pol and I are usually doing this with a nightclub when they won't let us in because we are too rowdy.

Karena shows her Starfleet pass while the three of us watch from the bushes.

"Hey!" says a voice, "Don't put your feet on my plants!"



It's Boothby, the Head Gardener of the Starfleet Academy and Headquarters grounds.

"We're just breaking in, Mr Boothby." Jenny tells him assuredly, "We won't damage anything out here."

"Be sure that you don't you young whippersnappers." Boothby replies, and adds quietly, "Good luck!"

He walks off to water the plants, and we see Karena calling us into the entrance.

When we enter, we see two guards unconsious on the floor.



"What happened here?" T'Pol asks her, "We wanted the minimum of fuss."

"It WAS the minimum." replies, Karena the amazon, "Otherwise they would both be on the end of my spear. I knocked them out from behind before they could see me."

The four of us sneak down the corridors where we know Admiral Nagamura's office is. The light is on.

We all march in together.



"Don't try anything!" Jenny shouts at Nagamura, "We know all about what you really are."

"Indeed?" replies Nagamura with a sly smile, and with kung fu skills leaps at us, kicking Jenny's multi-phase disruptor out of her hand. In a matter of a few seconds, Nagamura has the weapon.

"Now I will eliminate you troublesome women once and for all!"

Starfleet Academy Exam (Part One)

Bev and I are at Starfleet Headquarters to wish her son Wesley and his fiancee Karena the best of luck for their Academy Exam this week.

If they pass, they will be able to get married, and also be Ensigns.

Bev dragged me along to this. I didn't want to be here.

"Don't be slow, Jean-Luc." she tells me as we walk through the Japanese Garden section, "We want to give our best to the lovebirds, don't we?"



"Sure." I say with about as much sincerity as a Romulan at a peace conference.

"Come on, then!" she says, as I accidentally step on a plant.

"Hey!" shouts out a voice, "Do you know how long it took me to grow that?"

Boothby.

"Hello Boothby." I say, "Sorry about that."



"So you should be...oh, it's you two." Boothby comments when he sees us, "It's Mr Boothby to you. And remember not to carve your name on the tree this time. I'll be watching you."

"Do you know where my son Wesley and his fiancee Karena are Mr Boothby?" Bev asks.

"Probably kissing in some secluded part of the garden if I know them!" he replies, "I threw a bucket of water over the pair of them when I caught the two of them kissing and whispering pet names to each other. Honeybunch and pumpkin! How awful!"

I must say, I agree with him there.

The two of us leave Boothby and follow the trail round the Garden. We eventually hear some sounds.

"Oh pumpkin!"

"Oh honeybunch!"

"Wesley? Karena?" calls out Bev discreetly.

After a few moments, the pair emerge from behind a bush. Both are covered in water.

"Hello Mom...hello Captain." says a disorganised Wesley, "Boothby accidentally spilt some water on us."

"How unfortunate." I comment with a sly smile.

"We're here to wish you two all best for your exam this week." Bev tells them.

"It won't be easy, Cadets." I tell them in my official capacity, "But I'm sure you will get through."
".....And then later this year we can married!" say Wesley and Karena together, as they look at each other.

Both Bev and I wince together.

To be continued....

Karena & Starfleet Academy (Part One)

Guest Poster: Karena

I must admit, I am getting very annoyed. One does not want to be around when an amazon from the planet Wondawowman gets annoyed, believe me.

While I've been at Starfleet Academy as a Cadet, I have fallen in love with Wesley Crusher, who has been my servant since I arrived, The lecturers told him he should help me start here. Since then, I have chosen him for my Life Servant. I have got engaged with Wesley and plan to marry him, so that he may serve me throughout our lives.

I think something has been blocking my happiness. The Academy officials say that we cannot marry until we both graduate from there. I had never heard this rule before, and suspect it has been made up. Possibly even by Wesley's mother, Beverly, or Captain Picard.

My mother, Queen Diana is pressurising the officials to let us get married. After all, it was her financing that got the 'women only' lecture hall built. Armed guards prevent men entering.

"I still say your mother or the Captain stopped us getting married!" I tell Wesley, as he irons my clothes. He looks guity. It's not a sign to read easily, as he always looks like that.

"No, honeybunch." he replies to me, "Just be patient. We don't need to get married in a hurry. If we love each other, we can wait until later."

I go off in a huff. Wesley always says that to me. It's like hearing one of those old vinyl Earth records of the 20th Century where the needle gets stuck. Except it's not so repetitive as Wesley.

Going through the grounds, I come across Boothby the gardener. I tell him my problem.



"I've heard it all before, Missy." comments Boothby, "Young lovestruck women see the Cadet of their dreams and get blinded by reality."

"But I love him, Mr Boothby!" I cry to him. This is most unseemly. An amazon should not be crying, especially in front of a man.

"Don't worry, Missy." smiles Boothby, "I won't tell anyone you cried in front of me. I know you Amazons need to keep a tough image. Listen. Just keep prodding him with that spear of yours, and the officials. They'll come round."

I head back to my quarters, feeling a little better.

Weasel Wanda, the Academy snoop comes to me.

"I've heard your mother, Queen Diana, has just called on the video screen." she says, "She asks you to call back right away."

I wonder what she wants?

To be continued...


But before you go,

Serina Hope has sent a meme asking a group of people what is on their desktop. Here's mine.... a lovely picture of Nicole Kidman

Boothby: The Early Years

Guest Poster: Boothby

A lot of the Cadets round here at the Academy ask me questions like, "What was it like in the Dark Ages" or "What did dinosaurs actually look like?"

Whippersnappers they all are! I give them a heavy clip round the ear and tell them not to bother me while I'm cultivating my plants.

Still what they don't know how tough it was. I wasn't always a gardener and groundskeeper. Some of the Cadets think I maintained the Garden of Eden!

Years ago, I was in the Earth Navy. We cruised the seven seas in the ships we had.

Actually, I had quite a singing voice then, as did my fellow sailors on the ES Pacifica.



Ah, those were the days, we would sing about dames, and how there were nothing like them...We've got sunlight on the sand. We've got moonlight on the sea. We've got mangos and bananas we can pick right off the trees. We've got volleyball and ping-pong and a lot of dandy games. What ain't we got? We ain't got dames! We get packages from home. We get movies. We get shows. We get speeches from our skipper and advice from Tokyo Rose. We get letters doused with perfume. We get dizzy from the smell. What ain't we got? You know (bad word) well. We've got nothing to put on a clean white suit for. What we need is what there ain't no subsitute for. There is nothing like a dame. Nothing in the world. There is nothing you can name that is anything like a dame. We feel restless. We feel blue. We feel hungry and in need. We feel every kind of feeling but the feeling never leaves. We feel hungry as the wolf felt when he met Red Riding Hood. What don't we feel? We don't feel good. Lots of things in life are beautiful but, brother, there is one particular thing that is in no way, shape, or form like any other. There is nothing like a dame. Nothing in the world. There is nothing you can name that is anything like a dame. There are drinks like a dame. And no books like a dame. And nothing looks like a dame. And nothing acts like a dame. Or attracts like a dame. There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here that can't be cure by (don't know what they say). A girly female feminine dame.

What? Oh, sorry, I was getting carried away.

I've lost my train of thought; where was I?

Oh yes; when I left the Navy, I went into galactic telecasting. There was this new science-fiction story. I played a spaceman who explored Earth.



I told the producer at the time that it would be a disaster.

"I look a stereotype!" I told him, "Why do I have to wear these crazy antennas?"

He didn't listen; the young whippersnapper was only just starting in telecasting.

I tell you, it set Federation/Darlean diplomatic relations back for years. When they saw the show they were livid and broke off communications.

Darleans have antennas on their heads. The Andorans wern't too happy either. If I had blue skin in the show, they would declared war.

Where was I?

Right; after that show, no one wanted me in tv and I went back to the Navy.



I suppose the other sailors thought I was some grizzled old crone; I always challenged the Captain. He thought my pipe contravened his 'no smoking policy'. He never listened to me; I didn't light it, and only had it there for effect.

Anyway, I saw a lot of gardens around the world, and went to Starfleet and applied for the position of Groundskeeper.

I got the job without question, as I knew so much about plants and flowers, and also that the Admiral who interviewed me had two mistresses hidden away.

So I've been here ever since; I've seen a few Cadets like Picard turn into a Captain. Janeway was another; I wonder what happened to her? She could never find her way around the Academy.

I'll have to go now; these flowers need attending.

-------------------

Oh, Susan wanted Picard to list six weird things about him; as I'm writing this here Journal, she'll have to settle for me:

1: I love to sing 'There Is Nothing Like A Dame' while attending my plants.

2: Anybody walking on the Academy grass qualifies for a clip on the ear from me.

3: That includes the Admirals.

4: I have given lectures on plant life.

5: I recommend to Admirals those Cadets who I think might make it.

6: I've invented a new wasp repellent that has earned me pots of money; the Academy dont't know about it!

Deleted (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

Since Will Riker and I have been deleted to the Starfleet memory banks, the two of us have decided to sort things out for ourselves.

Picard was no help; he even wanted us confined to quarters as we were technically civilians. That's Starfleet officialdom for you!

I've persuaded Riker to use a little Maquis trickery; we are going to break into the main computer room on Earth and put the matter right. It was easy to get through Earth's defences; they were more interested in their Valentine parties!

-------------------

As we have landed near Starfleet Headquarters, we start to head in that direction. We still hear noise in the darkness.

"Surely the parties have ended by now." I ask.

"You haven't been to a Valentine Party at Starfleet HQ, have you Ro?" comments Riker, "They can last for quite a few days. Fortunately, it's useful for us."

Some people are coming out; we hide behind the bushes.

I see Boothby, the Head Gardener of Starfleet Academy Gardens come out laughing. He has a gorgeous young blonde woman with him, and a brunette on his other side. They all look like they are enjoying themselves.

"How is he so popular?" I ask Riker.



"Oh, Boothby is very popular with the female cadets." Riker tells me, "It's probably why he likes working in the Academy Gardens.

After they've gone, we start to move, but there is more noise; a teenager is coming out with an amazonian woman who prods him with a spear every so often.

"It's Beverly's son Wesley" Riker tells me, "With him is Karena, the amazonian princess from Wondawowman. He has to look after her by orders of the Academy."

I roll my eyes. What a place.

-----------------

At last, all is quiet, and we head into the Computer Building. All is silent and dark.

We see a sign marked 'Database Terminal' and head there. A light is on. As we enter, we see one person in a white coat. He turns round in surprise.

"Oh...who are you?" he exclaims.

This man has dark glasses, looks like a Starfleet nerd and is looking at a video screen with lots of names.

"I'm Ro Laren and this is Will Riker." I tell him.

"Oh dear" he says quietly, "I thought you might show up, but I was hoping no one would notice."
"What do you mean?" Riker asks.

"My name is Varda" he tells us, "I was given the job of transferring the the B-LOGAR File from the old to the new version on the database. I didn't do too good a job and the first two names disappeared completely."

"Which were us!" I sigh.

"Errr....that's right." admits Varda.

"Well put us back!" Riker yells at him, "I want to get back to the Enterprise."

"Errr...I had just figured out how to do that." Varda says hesitatingly, "Now give me a moment....don't rush me....there! You're on! Sorry about that. Hope it wasn't too inconvenient."

Riker has to restrain me from saying just how inconvemient it was, although I think he agrees.

-----------------

Hours later, we are both back on the Enterprise. In his Ready Room, Captain Picard admits that he actually let us escape so that we would solve the problem.

"Sorry that you've missed the Valentine Dance, Number One." he tells Riker, then turns to me; "There was a Bajoran Ambassador asking for you, Ensign Ro."

Deanna Troi enters and sees Riker. She kisses him.

"Welcome back, imzadi." she says softly, "That was your belated valentine kiss."

Riker and I keep it to ourselves that he had already had a kiss on Valentine's Day.


------------------

Authors note: This is all based on the fact that I lost Ro and Riker when changing to BetaBlogger, and they had to be completely re-installed.

Plant Problems (Part Three)

Boothby has been causing some problems on his trip from Earth to Epsilon II. He was supposed to help us with the walking plants called Truffids that are starting to march against the inhabitants of the base that has been established there.

However, during the journey, Deanna and Riker have stopped talking to each over after a row they've had. When I've tried to find out the cause, all both of them have said is "Ask Boothby."

When I did, he just mentioned that he mistook Riker for Worf.

I think I can guess the rest.

------------------

However, we are now in Transporter Room One; fortunately, Riker and Deanna have kissed and made up, and they are going down with Data, Boothby, Beverly and myself.

We beam down to see a very green planet with beautiful fauna all around. Boothby looks in awe, as it's a paradise for any plant lover.

In the distance, we can see the base, newly set up; the doors are locked and the shutters are down. To the west, things look odd.

"It's like the ground is moving." says Deanna.

"Of course it is, missy" comments Boothby, "It's the Truffids closing in."



Slowly, the walking plants get nearer; we rush over to the ground between the base; as we do, we know we don't have miuch time.

"What do we do." asks Riker, "Destroy the plants or beam the inhabitants off?"

"We don't want to do either." I say, "The Truffids inhabit this world, and have a right to it. However, the scientists on the base want to observe the wonderment of nature."

Had it been James T Kirk who had this problem, he would have simply blasted the Truffids off the face of the planet with a couple of photon torpedoes. Things are so much more complex in the 24th Century.

"We can turn the base into an observatory by shielding it." suggests Data, "The Truffids will be unaware it is there."

"That's perfect, Mr Data." I reply, "But we need time to delay the Truffids while we construct the shield."



"I can help there, sonny." says Boothby, and he gets out his bag a few tiny globules.

"What are these?" asks Beverly.

"Plant repellant explosives, missy." he comments, "Just throw them at the ground before they get here and it will send them back for a while until you get the shield working."

We throw them and smoke risese as the Truffids approach; when it clears, we see they are all disoriented and starting to retreat.

"Well done, Mr Boothby." I tell him.

"It was nothing, sonny." he tells me.

A few hours later, the base is shielded, and the Truffids are walking about happily, none the wiser that they are being spied on by the scientists, and are likely to be the centre spread for 'Federation Gardener' next month.

-------------------------

As we approach Earth, in my Ready Room, Boothby is in angry consultation over the viewer with Admiral Costello.

"Look you young whippersnapper!" he says, "I was the gardener when you were just a pimply cadet. Couldn't you remember to get someone to look after the Gardens for a few days? What did you say? You have seniority? I know a lot more about you than you want to admit. I saw you with Monica Cartwright at the Christmas party. I'm sure you wouldn't want your wife to know about that....and another thing..."

I decide to walk on; there are some things one is just not meant to know.

Plant Problems (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Boothby

Now I'm on the Enterprise undertaking a dangerous mission to Epsilon II, I really rerally rarin' to go.

Some people just think I'm an old guy who looks after the gardens at Starfleet Academy. I tell you this, I'm sharper than all those Admirals and Cadets who think they know it all put together.

What was I saying?

Oh yes, don't interrupt me. It'll come to me.

Yes, these giant walking plants called Truffids have taken a dislike to the inhabitants of this new base that the Federation have set up on the planet, and are starting to march upon them.

The top brass wants me to sort it out; I'm the best one that knows about plant life.

They are right there.

--------------------

Picard welcomes me on board. A redheaded woman is standing next to him. She's obviously looking at him adoringly.

"This is Doctor Crusher" says Picard, "If you don't feel well, she'll help you."

"Listen, sonny." I say, "I'm not Old Father Time. I'm as fit as a fiddle."

"Of course you are." comments the redhead condescendingly, "But just in case you do, call the SickBay."

"Missy, is your name Beverly?" I ask her.

"Yes it is." she replies, "But how did you know?"

"I caught Picard writing 'I Luv Bev' on one of my trees the other week." I tell her, "He's done that before. I gave him a right piece of my my mind."

They both blush like a couple of teenagers. You'd think they would know better. Anyway, he won't be able to write that phrase on the Truffids. I can't see 'em taking too kindly to that!

----------

Once I get my things sorted out in my quarters I take a look around.

I come to a brunette who I met a while back in the Academy Gardens; she is holding hands with a bearded guy who is the Commander, judging by his stars.

"Hello Mr Boothby!" she says, "Do you remember me?"

"I sure do, missy" I reply, "You're err....umm.....Deanna."

"That's right." she says, "Glad to see you on the Enterprise."

"You must be Worf" I say to the bearded guy, "I remember Deanna telling me that she was seeing him and enjoying his company."

Deanna goes red and the bearded guy looks annoyed.

"Actually I'm Commander Will Riker." He informs me, "Worf and Deanna are no longer together."

The two march off; it sounds like there is an argument brewing between those two. I don't fancy Worf's chances.

--------------

A female Borg drone suddenly approaches me.

"You must be Boothby, the guest we have" she says, "I am Seven of Nine. I am studying human behaviour on behalf of the Borg Queen on this ship."

"In that case, we have a lot in common." I reply, "I find that when I tend the Academy Gardens, I see many forms of human behaviour; courtship, double-dealing and all manner of back-stabbing."

"Really?" comments Seven, "I must visit the Gardens sometime. The Queen will be most interested in what I observe."

----------------

My Com badge is activated.

"The Enterprise is approaching Epsilon II. Will Mr Boothby, Lieutenant Commander Data, Doctor Crusher, Counselor Troi, Commander Riker join Captain Picard in Transporter Room One in order to beam down."

Time to go and meet the Truffids.

I'd better take some plant spray.

To be continued....

Plant Problems (Part One)

I am summoned to Starfleet Headquarters by the Admirals.

It looks as if the Enterprise has drawn the short straw for another dangerous mission again. I don't know why it seems to be us. Any other starship just routinely cruises the galxy with bearly a scratch, while ours seems to get patched up and sent off again with alarming regularity.

I open the doors and Admirals Costello and Abbot are there.

I wonder if they know the 'Who's On First' comedy routine.

"Ah, Captain Picardo," says Costello, "Glad you could come."

"Thank you, sir." I reply, "Actually, it's Picard."

"Whatever." Abbot tells me, "That's not important right now. However something has come up on the fauna planet Epsilon II."

"Yes," continues Costello, "We set up a base for people to live there. Everythingthing was going well until the ecology started fighting back."

"Sorry, sir?" I say with a puzzled look."

"What my colleague is referring to," Abbot tells me, "Is that giant plants, named Truffids have started to threaten the inhabitants. They are hiding in their base. The Truffids are on the march. In a few days, they will reach the base."

"We don't want to destroy them." Costello takes up the talk, "We want to have peaceful relations with the Truffids."

First Contact with a plant; whatever next? A rose bush?

"I see, sir" I reply, "Lieutenant Commander Data should have an expert knowledge of fauna life, it should be a good..."

"That's not what we want, Captain." Abbot informs me, "We want you to take a human expert along; who we have in mind knows more about plant life than anyone else."

"Who's that?" I ask.

"Send him in." Costello informs a guard. The door opens.



It's Boothby, the Head Gardener of Starfleet Academy.

"Hello sonny." he tells me, "Let's get going on this mission. I'm already packed and ready to go."

"Admiral Costello." I say hastily, "Do you think it is safe for Mr Boothby to go on this mission? After all, he is a little frail."

"Are you trying to say I'm old, sonny." Boothby barks at me, "Let me tell you, I'm sharper than anybody else in this room."

He then looks at the Admirals.

Now make sure my Academy gardens are looked after while I'm away, or you'll have to answer to me."

"Let's go, Mr Boothby" I say with impending dread, and get ready to beam up with him.

To be continued...

A Surprise Visit

Wesley will certainly enjoy me dropping in on him at the Academy before the Scholastic Year starts.

I know he likes to see him mom; we might be going out for some fun shopping, or have a good chat.

----------------

I beam down to the Academy grounds, straight on to the well-kept lawns.

Immediately, I hear the complaints from a very familiar voice; Boothby.

"Listen, young lady," he says to me, "I'm tired for telling everybody not to beam on to my lawns; this isn't a Landing Point. Use the proper co-ordinates and beam there!"

"Sorry Mr Boothby" I say apologetically, and gently walk on the grass until I reaching the main pathway. Boothby growls to himself, muttering a few things that I'd care not to repeat.

Eventually, I find Wes's Academy apartment.

I knock firmly on the door.

"Hi Wes!" I call out, "It's me, your mom, I hoped we could take in a couple of hours at the Starfleet Mall."

The doorway suddenly opens and a red-haired young woman in a warrior costume greets me with a surly look.



"Go away!" she tells me firmly, and closes the door.

I knock the door again.

"Does Wes live here?" I shout, "I'm his mother, Beverly Crusher."

The young woman opens the door, looks at me with great suspicion, and reluctantly lets me in. She doesn't exactly seem to be the friendly sort.

"I am Karena from the planet Wondawowman" she informs me, "Wes is my servant, and will do all my work for the coming year."

Did I hear that right?

I hear a voice from inside; the kitchen area. Wes comes out.

"Gee, hi Mom" he tells me, "I was just cooking lunch for Karena and myself; do you want to join us? I've been rather busy, after cleaning the sitting room and polishing the bathroom."

"Err....who is Karena?" I ask delicately, "Is she your err...girlfriend?"

"Wes is my servant!" Karena emphasises, "On Wondawowman, us Amazons are a matriachal society. Men are just slaves, there to serve us."

"Well, Mom" explains Wes, "The professors at the college thought that Karena might need some help in her first year, as she was used to being served. I was chosen unanimously by all of them to do the job."

"Who is your servant?" Karena asks me.

"I don't have one" I reply, "As Chief Medical Officer on the Enterprise, I am the top ranking medical official there. I even have the power to declare a Captain unfit for duty."

Karena sounds very interested at this.

"Excellent!" she delares, "I shall endeavour to become Chief Medical Officer, or failing that, the Captain of a starship. The crew will all do what I say, or they shall get a taste of my spear."

"When is your Tact and Diplomacy Course coming up, Karena?" I inquire, as she may well need it.

"The Professors seemed to suggest I go there first of all." she tells me, "But I shall ignore that part. It's battle tactics that I'm more interested in, and finding out how to get the other sides to surrender."

Oh dear, I feel she has a lot to learn.

"You and I will get on well, Beverly." Karena informs me, "We are both tough redheads who will not tolerate any disobedience."

She slaps me on the back and goes back inside, leaving just me and Wes there.

"Are you sure you're safe here, Wes?" I ask him, "She looks a little hard to handle."

"Don't worry, Mom" he replies, "We get on alright, though things can get busy at times. I'll have to say goodbye for now, as I'm got to do a little ironing to do."

That's my Wes.

Boothby's Academy Lecture (Part Two)

Once the polite applause had died down, I was ready to give my lecture on Fauna to the Starfleet Academy Cadets.

They looked a right bunch, I can tell you. Are these the future defenders of the Federation? We might as well send a message to the Borg telling them to come and assimilate us now. With them in the Collective, there would be much in the Hive Mind.

I'm digressing again, aren't I?

Don't say "Yes". I've been through a lot more than you have.

"I'm here to give you a lecture on Fauna." I tell them, "As the Head Gardener at Starfleet Academy, I'm telling you how important it is to respect all forms of alien plant life, whether going as part of an Away Team or colonising a new planet for a community."

A Cadet puts his hand up to ask a question. I sigh; there's always one, isn't there?

"Yes?" I ask him.

"Cadet Wilmslow here" he asks chirpily, "What about the plant that altered Mr Spock in the Away Mission last century, and the Omega Plant that ate Captain Abraxus of the Starship Ohio twenty years ago? Would you classify those as 'hostile'?

A wise guy. He REALLY needs a good clip round the ear.

"They were hostile plants" I tell him, "But in all forms of life there are hostility; they just need to be isolated and controlled. There are no Omega Plants in the Academy Gardens, as they are kept on their native planet and flagged with warning beacons."

Actually, it's a pity there isn't an Omega Plant in the Garden. There are some Cadets I would happily have fed to it.

"Now when you go to a planet," I continue "It's important you are aware of the Fauna there; if you are not, you may well be injured or killed simply because there is a plant that would cause you harm. Remember to respect all life."

A ripple of applause follows; is that all I get?

"Any questions?" I ask them. I know I'm inviting trouble saying it to this lot, but surely they can't say anything too awkward?

A figure stands up. "Cadet Moira Delfino here." she says, "Would you rather have been in a starship then tending the Gardens? After all, isn't it a bit boring?"

"Let me tell you, missy" I tell her forcefully, "I know far more about piloting a starship and about Starfleet life than you ever will. The nuggets of information I pick up from important people means I could get on any starship and take control."

She sits down, slightly red-faced.

Next, that brat Wesley Crusher stands up. I knew, as sure as day follows night, that he'd ask me something.

"Cadet Wesley Crusher here" he says, "There is just one question I would like to ask, that all my fellow Cadets want to know as well; what's your first name, Mr Boothby?"

"That's classified information!" I tell him, "Clear off; this lecture is over."

What a relief to be able to get back to my Gardens.

I wonder if the Starfleet authorites will let me grow an Omega Plant?

Boothby's Academy Lecture (Part One)

I'm on my way to the Academy Lecture Halls.

Now I know that's somewhere I don't usually go; for me, I'm more at home in the Gardens keeping them in good condition.

I have to keep telling those Cadets that the 'Keep Off The Grass' sign that I put up has nothing to do with drugs.

Really, I ask you; the young have no idea, do they? The young whippersnappers.

Anyway, I digress; what was I talking about? I've forgotten.

Can anyone help me?

Oh, yes.

The reason I'm off to the Academy Halls because Admiral Hollingsworth came up to me a few hours ago and said, "Mr Boothby, we think as all the Cadets know you..."

"Only because they've felt my hand hitting them on the back of their heads for trespassing on my Gardens." I replied.

"Err yes" he said, "But we think it would be a good idea if you gave them a lecture on Fauna. Who else knows more?"

"Clear off!" I snapped back, "Yes trespassed on the Garden when you were a Cadet, Hollingsworth, and even carved your name on the tree."

"Let's forget about that." Hollingsworth hastily said, "I'm an Admiral now, and you're ordered to give the lecture. It will be good for them when they learn to respect plant fauna on other planets when they have colonised them."

-----------

That was then; now I'm approaching the Halls. When these young whippersnappers are Commanders or Captains of a starship, and they are being attacked by deadly aliens, I hardly think they are going to know about flower arranging.

I meet that annoying Wesley Crusher on the way in; if anything will ensure everything will be a disaster it's him. I feel jinxed when he's around. Still, I've heard others say the same thing; right up from Cadets to Admirals.

"Gee, Mr Boothby." he says, "Are you giving today's lecture? It'll be really exciting, then!"

"Clear off!" I reply, and hit him on the back of the head. He's already got me in a bad mood.

Once inside, I wait in the wings, while Hollingsworth announces me to the students.

I ask you; it's like I'm the star performer in a major concert. I'm only giving a silly lecture to a bunch of Cadets who probably couldn't find the 'On' button while using a replicator.

"Now" says Hollingsworth, "The Guest Lecturer for today is no more than someone we all know here at Starfleet Academy. I give you Mr Boothby, our Head Gardener."

I walk on; what a shower they look.

I wonder what I'll say?

In The Garden

.

All the cadets are now returning to Starfleet Academy after their Christmas break.

That means more trouble for me, I can tell you!

While they've been out having a great time doing who-knows-what, I've had to keep these Gardens in order; after all, they don't do it by themselves.

The authorities just expect them to always look like that, no matter what, but I tell you, if there is one blade of grass that isn't the right length, they look pityingly at me and whisper to themselves, "Maybe it's time to retire the old boy."

They're not getting me out of the way that easily!

When I started here, er....so many years ago, the place was a shambles. It looked like a primeval jungle. The authorites were a little worried about it all. However, they noticed that I had a trowel, weedkiller and lawnmower, and so asked me if I'd like to be the gardener here.

Well, all this is my work, and don't you forget it. I keep a careful watch to make sure nothing underhand goes on. Plenty does, I can tell you.

These cadets are so lovesick, the little vandals always express their adoration at the cost of my Garden. A rose disappears, or a tree might get hacked. The other day, I caught that know-all Wesley Crusher carving 'Wes loves Marlena' on a rare tree. I gave him a big clip on the ear for that.

The worst thing, is it isn't just the students. I also caught Captain Picard carving 'JLP luvs Bev' on the same tree. I gave him a clip on BOTH ears for that. The little whippersnapper ought to know better.

What are my trees? A graffitti zone?

A lot of the little devils ask me why I've never gone for a Starfleet Commission, and been a Captain or something like that. Well, when I was, er...younger, I wanted to do all that, went through the works etc. When it got to the Interview, they said that 'My talents were ideally suited to the Garden', and as I was doing such a good job, they thought I should stay there.

What an insult!

It's the case of doing too well in something, so they don't move me. No one else would do the gardening job, so here I am. No matter that I could have been Captaining my own ship against marauding aliens a long time ago.

The only aliens I get to fight against are those threatening the growth of the plants.

Still, I'm the centre of all knowledge in Starfleet; while I'm working innocently in the Garden, I ever every sort of secret being qietly discussed between cadets right up to Admirals. The Federation President has whispered a few things as well.

Excuse me; all those thoughts about neing turned down for a Commission has left me in a bad mood, and I have to clip a cadet around the year to feel better again.

I wonder if Wesley Crusher is around?