At Santa's Workshop

"I don't know whether this was a very good idea." I say to Bev as we trawl through the snow.

"Sure it is, Jean-Luc" she replies, "This'll be heaps of fun, "We set a holodeck program where we could go to Lapland and meet Santa Claus at his workshop. Isn't that what you always wanted to do?"

"Well, actually no." I comment.

"Oh don't be a spoilsport!" she says, "Look, there is Santa's house in the distance."

We see a little cottage in the distance, , with smoke coming out of the chimney. The snow is coming down heavily. Eventually, we reach the door, and knock.

"Come on in!" says a voice.



"I'm Santa Claus." he tells us, "You must be the two new elves I advertised for in the Lapland Chronicle. I had to fire the last two because their productivity rate on toymaking wasn't up to standard for the job"

"There must be some mistake, Mr Claus." Bev answers, "We only came to visit. and.."

"I might have known it!" Santa says disgustedly, "Another pair of idlers who want to quit rather than work with their hands."

I get annoyed at this. "Not at all." I tell him, "We'll do any job."



"Are you crazy?" Bev whispers, "He is a dictator."

"It's just a bit of fun, Beverly, "Let's go along with it for now."

We go downstairs to the workshop, where some elves are working tirelessly. We are shown two spaces and told to start making toys as fast as possible or we'll be out on our ears.



"You've picked the wronmg place to come for a job, mate." says a tiny voice sitting next to me, "That Santa ignores the Elf Work Practices Charter. He'll have you working morning, noon and night to nget these toys out"

"I see what you mean." I reply, and then see a shapely woman monitoring everybody.



"Who is she?"  I ask.

"You want to stay clear of her." the small elf answers, "That's Selina, Santa's favourite elf."

"I wonder why?" Bev comments drily.

"Yeah, she knows what Santa likes, "Any wrongdoing, and Selina reports to Santa and he chucks us into the snow."

"Jean-Luc." Bev whispers, "I think this holodeck program needs some adjusting."

"I agree, Beverly, "Computer, change to Picard Program  01Christmas."

The scene changes. Bev and I are in a warm log cabin, miles from anywhere. Snow is outside, with a roaing log fire in the centre, a Christmas tree up, with lots of gifts to open. There is also a bottle of champagne with two glasses on the table.

"Ah, Jean-Luc." says Beverly with a smile, "This is MUCH better than my idea."

We pour the drink and toast each other.

"Happy Christmas, Bev"

"Happy Christmas, Jean-Luc"

------------------------------

Editor's Note:


I'd like to wish everyone a very Happy Christmas. Peace and goodwill to all.

Sheena's First Christmas

Guest Poster: Sheena

Everyone on the USS Rhode Island is acting very strangely.

They are being very friendly towards each other. Some are exchanging gifts. I've even seen some holding a small berry-like plant above another's head and kissing them passionately.

Whatever is this strange ritual?

Daddy comes in, looking excited.



"Hello, sweetie." he says, "Are you ready for Santa Claus?"

Santa Claus? Who is he then? Mommy walks up to us.



"Wes!" says mommy sharply, "This is Sheena's first Christmas. She iusn't going to know who Santa Claus is. Incidentally, on my home planet of Wondawowman, Santa is a superstrong amazon dressed in red who drives in a sleigh pulled by men."

"I kniow that." sighs daddy, "But we had agreed to teach Sheena what the rest of the galaxy knows about Santa instead"

"Very well, pumpkin." mommy says, and the two of them sit to face me.

"Now then, Sheena." daddy begins, "On the 25th of December, you're due for a big surprise."

Is the President of Starfleet visiting, I wonder to myself?

"A person known as Santa Claus will be visiting you." mommy continues, "He will be going to all the boys and girls in the galaxy and delivering toys and presents to those children who have been good this year."

That counts me out straight away. There have been times I've feigned crying just to get attention in the middle of the night. I'm a bad girl.

"You'll be getting some beautiful things, sweetie." daddy tells me, "I've arranged it with Santa that you get the best."

Oh really? Santa couldn't have noticed. I'll keep quiet about that, which is pretty easy really, as I can only say a few vital words that mommy taught me, like 'spear', 'woman' and 'amazon'.

"All the children will be getting presents on Christmas Day" daddy tells me, "Just keep your eyes closed at night while he arrives on his sleigh carrying toys and deposits them in your nursery."

This is a bit puzzling to me, as Captain Hernandez will not allow aliens on board the USS Rhode Island without good reason. I suppose Santa has special dispensation. I hope so, as I wouldn't like Santa to be blown to pieces out in space by a couple of photon torpedoes.

I'm also baffled as to how Santa gets around the galaxy so fast. Perhaps his sleigh has warp speed capability?

Anyway, I'm, mgoing to be a good little girl from now on...until I get the presents, anyway.

TWQ: Still To Buy For Christmas?

With just a week to go to Christmas, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks you what vital items you have yet to get.

What presents or items have you still got to buy for Christmas next Saturday? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Items for Christmas dinner
* Basic survival foods
* Something I won't remember until it's too late

Now it's over to you....

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Four)

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

I watch the Borg Queen sulk off to the bar to drink a couple of Gargleblasters after Beverly was revived and took possession of the Captain again on the dancefloor. For a moment, I thought there was a real catfight, but both women have a dignity that says in their body language "Next time it won't be easy."



"I'm glad we got out of that." Will says quietly, "There could have been a lot of trouble. I'm gonna grab a donut and champagne from the buffet. Do you want a donut?"

I politely decline, and make my way to the bar, but well clear of Queenie, who is now chatting to Seven Of Nine.

Annette hands me a chocolate flavoured Thirstquencher, and I sit down on the bar stool, watching the crew enjoy themselves.

A few familiar faces from the 21st century hasve reappeared. Nic, Linda, Michael, Susan and a few others. Worf is making them all sign a non-disclosure document, which ensures they will not interfere with the Temporal Prime Directive when they return home. As soon as they sign they head for the bar and the dancefloor to enjoy the night.

"Hi, baby." sayts a soft feminine voice.



"Err...hello." I say hesitantly to the red-blonde girl in front of me.

"I'm Daisy" she says, "Wanna buy me a drink?"

Amazed at her bravado, I do so, telling her that I'm Deanna.

"Did I see you talking with Queenie a few hours ago?"

"Yeah." she answers, while drinking her Earthmover, "She didn't wanna do it."

"Do what, Daisy?"

"Go outside and neck." she casually answers, "You look like you might want to. Shall we? Let me just finish my drink first."



"Err...Daisy, I'm not like that." I carefully answer, "Thanks, though."

"Too bad, Deanna." Daisy smiles, "You're a hot babe. If you ever change your mind, I'll be here at The Pink Klingon"

I walk away from my admirer, who winks at me as I go. I must admit, I was a little flattered. giggle!

At the dancefloor, Captain Picard is doing his speech. It's the one thing not to look forward to at the Christmas Party! giggle!

"Fellow crew members and guests." the Captain starts, with Bev looking at him adoringly by his side., "This is the time of year when we remember what Christmas is all about, we remember those less fortunate than ourselves, and we remember our friends in Starfleet and beyond. This vast galaxy......"

The Captain goes on for another 20 minutes, and when it ends, we all cheer because it has stopped.

"Happy Christmas, everybody!!!!" the Captain calls out.

And so say we all.

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

I groggily wake up. Clearly I have being lying on the floor.

Data is standing over me.

"What happened, Data?" I try to say, although the room as spinning round.

"Evidentally, Doctor Crusher." he answers, "The Borg Queen switched the drinks which contained the knockout pills you were supposed to give her to keep her out of trouble. As a result, she has been dancing with Captain Picard non-stop. I administered an antidote to revive you earlier than you would have done"

The room stops spinning .I recall where I am. The Enterprise crew are in The Pink Klingon bar and nightclub, celebrating the annual party. Getting up, I look towards the dancefloor. Jean-Luc looks panic stricken as he is hauled around by the Borg Queen, who has just gestured to the band The Strolling Drones to play Long Legged Woman Dressed In Black



She’s a long-legged woman dressed in black,
dressed in black, dressed in black,
dressed in black, black, black
She’s a long-legged woman dressed in black,
dressed in black, dressed in black,
dressed in black, black, black


Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no

Yeah, she knows how to move, how to rock
How to rock, how to rock, how to rock, rock, rock
Yeah, she knows how to move, how to rock
How to rock, how to rock, how to rock, rock, rock

And she’s stoned like a flash in the night
In the night, in the night, in the n-, ni-, night
And she’s stoned like a flash in the night
In the night, in the night, in the n-, ni-, night

Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time, every time, every time, every time, every time, every time
Whoa!

She’s a long-legged woman dressed in black,
dressed in black, dressed in black,
dressed in black, black, black
She’s a long-legged woman dressed in black,
dressed in black, dressed in black,
dressed in black, black, black

Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no

I know the answer to that! I stride over to the band and tell them to play a rock version of Green Eyes, Red Hair



Devil’s inside her
The devil’s inside her

Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her

She’s a cup of tea, she’s a Jaegerbomb
She’s an angel, she’s an Amazon
She’s a poem, she’s an alphabet
She’s a violin with a bayonet
She’s a revolution, she’s a peace accord
She’s a grain of sand, she’s the Cliffs of Moher
She’s Friday night, she’s Sunday Morning
She’s a fair wind, she’s a sailor’s warning

Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
She’s got the devil inside her

She’s a glass house, she’s an ivory tower
She’s a tin roof, she’s a summer shower
She’s a carnival, she’s a masquerade
She’s a picket fence, she’s lemonade

Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
She’s got the devil inside her

She can disappear, she can walk on water
She’s the Queen of Sheba, she’s the farmer’s daughter
She’s a cocktail dress, a cowboy boot
She’s a question mark, she’s absolute

Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
She’s got the devil inside her

She’s got the devil inside her

As it plays, I go up to Queenie and Jean-Luc and grab the Captain.

"Look, Jean-Luc" I say, "They're playing my song."

I whisk him away, and the Borg Queen is left amazed on the dance floor until she sulks off to the bar to get a drink from the hosts Annette and Amanda.

"Well done, Bev." Jean-Luc tells me, "You came through. But how...?"

"Never underestimate a woman's determinhation to keep her man" I reply with a sly smile.

TWQ: Adverts You Turn Down

Adverts are annoying at the best of times, but TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about those really excruciating ones.

Which TV advertisements are so bad you have to turn the sound right down or puter it on 'mute' to avoid listening to it? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* The Go Compare adverts. Voted the most irritating adverts in Britain, where a big fat man sings Go Compare! in various situations.

* The BOGOF adverts where a crazy guy screams at the top of his voice 'Buy On, Get One Free'.

* A double glazing advert where a washed up former soap star shouts the virtues of this product.

All of the above are extra loud adverts, which make them more annoying.

Now it's over to you....

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Two)

Editor's Note:

Captain Picard and Bev are planning to prevent the Borg Queen from dominating the Enterprise Christmas Party at The Pink Klingon and romancing the Captain by putting a knockout pill in her drink. The Queen has just arrived.




Guest Poster: The Borg Queen

I love to make a grand entrance!

Everyone turns to look at me, as I wear my little black dress with a low cut neckline. I know all will want to dance with me, but only the Captain is on myt dancecard tonight.

The Strolling Drones tune up and play the Borg song We Love The Queen.

Figure of beauty,
A leader not mean,
Our guiding light,
We love the Queen.

Jean-Luc and the Redhead both come up to greet me.

"Greetings, Queenie." Jean-Luc says, "I hope you will enjoy this year's Enterprise Christmas Party."



"I'm sure I will." I tell them, "I particularly love the Okey Cokey, Time Warp and all those smoochy dances....don't you, Jean-Luc?"

He looks a little nervous. I wonder why?

"Do you want a drink?" asks the Redhead, "There is a lovely drink right here."

"Maybe later, Bev." I reply, "I'll start at the bar."

I stride over there and order a Gargleblaster from Annette, who is serving. I suddenly become aware of someone who is stroking my shoulder. I turn round quickly.



"Hi there, beautiful!" says a reddish haired human female, who is eating a strawberry, "I'm Daisy, what's your name?"

"You may call me Queenie." I answer in a puzzled voice, "What is it you require?"

"What a gorgeous name. Do you wanna dance for a while, and maybe neck outside?" Daisy casually asks.

"Do you want to be assimuilated?" I tersely reply.

"What's that then?" Daisy says, "Is it the latest drug that's going around the clubs?"

I walk away in wonderment. The young today have no idea.

The Redhead pins me as I do, and guides me to where the punchbowl is. She gets two glasses of punch.



Let's toast to our friendship, Queenie." Bev says, and remarks on the fact that Worf and Jadzia married a few months ago, although I can see out of the corner of my eye her hand is doing something with the drinks.

"Indeed, Bev." I say, "It is good that we are friends, and tell her that she just needs to ask The Strolling Drones to play any song and they will.

I quickly switch the drinks around. We pick them up. "To friendship!"

The Redhead drinks some more, and in a few seconds, her eyerballs look like they are going all over the place. I ease her on the floor and roll her under the table, unconsious.

Jean-Luc is standing around, looking innocent. Doubtless he is involved in this as well.

As I approach, he starts to say, "Bev, did it work?" and he sees me.



"Yes, It did work." I say with a sly smiler, "Beverly is resting comfortably. Now we've got the Okey Cokey and ALL those smoochy slow dances to look forward to."

I grab him and take him to the dancefloor. This is going to be a fabulous Christmas Party!

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part One)

"I fail to see how the Enterprise Christmas Party ended up here." grumbles Lieutenant Worf to me, "To think it ended up in such an establishment as The Pink Klingon is beyond the pale."



"Quit complaining, Worfie." says his wife, Jadzia, "Actiually, it's quite a beautiful place. I've just heard from some of the regulars here that many Klingons actually visit, although they are discreet about it."

Worf snorts in derision, and says a true Klingon warrior would go to The Bloodaxe,  a wild place where people have to fight the doorman and win before being allowed to enter.

As Bev and I look around, we see that the Borg band The Strolling Drones are playing light music in the background, the tune I Wanna Be Assimilated wafting through the room.

Take me now to that Cube room,
Where it's all greeny decorated,
Slap that metal on me now,
Yeah, I wanna be assimilated

As Britney and T'Pol are the regulars here, they walk lightly to the owners Annette and Amanda and exchange kisses.



"Hiya, Brit, hiya T'Pol." says the blonde haired Annette, "Glad to see you both here again. You've bought quite a few people with you.."

"Yeah." agrees the dark haired Amanda, "The party is gonna be a blast. "Hiya Captain. Planning to dance with Commander Riker?"

"No, I'll stick with Bev." I tell her in a deep voice. They both giggle.

Deanna laughs, and takes Riker on to the dancefloor when the Drones play I'm A Pretty Betazoid.

I'm a pretty Betazoid,
I'll make you unwind,
You think that,
As I can read your mind.

Jennifer Baxter arrives in a daring dress, while Data has a tuxedo.



"Greetings, Captain." Data says in his usual voice, "I hope tonmight will be a most pleasant experience."

"For goodness sake." Jenny tells him, "Data, put your emotion chip in and let your hair down!"

"But Jennifer." Data replies, somewhat confused, my hair is not up."

Bev and I walk over to the drinks, where Amanda is serving out all the wine. We both have a Klingon Bloodwine, which makes us a little dozy..



"Jean-Luc." she asks, "What are we gonna do when the Borg Queen arrives? She will want to dominate the party and take over. More than likely, she will butt in between us. You know what her affections are towards you?"

"I've thought about this, Bev." I tell her, "When she comes, you offer her a drink. It'll have this special knockout pill. It will have her sleeping like a baby while the rest of us can enjoy the party."

"You are a clever Captain!" Bev laughs, and the two of us waltz off to enjoy Fly Me To The Moon being played.. After that, a rousing rock song, Sector 57 Blues brings Btritney and T'Pol dancing together.



No time to waste,
No time to lose,
Cos I tell ya, honey,
I got the Sector 57 Blues


"Yeah, baby!" yells Britney, "Let's rock n'roll!"

"I'm with ya all the way, sweetie!" T'Pol replies.

The song comes to an end, and an official suddenly runs to the Drones, who play a trumpeting welcome.

Everyone tuirns to the door.

"The Borg Queen has arrived!" I comment gloomily.

To be continued......

TWQ: Workplace Oddities

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about anyt uunusual things that have happened in the place where you work, or used to work that stood out from the regular tedium.

Can you name any unusual incidents that took place in your workplace, or if you you are retired, where you used to work?

My answers are:

Only last week, a man in my office, who had been drinking, went berserk, damaged his monitor and computer, had to be restrained until security came. He was promptly fired and the police came, who arrested him for damage.

I used to know an anti-nuclear missile girl who would hide under her desk every so often. Maybe she thought it would protect bher when the Bomb dropped?

On one of my birthdays, my parents arranged with the boss for a girl in skimpy outfit and stockings to come and sing 'Happy Birthday.'

Now it's over to you.....

Beverly The Elf

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

This year, I've been selected as the Elf to assist Jean-Luc, who will be dressing up as Santya Claus as the children visit him in his Grotto. I am wearing a tini green mini dress with green stockings.

Jean-Luc is sitting on the chair, waiting to welcome the children in.

"Are you ready, Jean-Luc."

"Yes, Bev." he answers, and looks at me, "I must say, you look very attractive in that outfit. Perhaps you want to keep it and wear it when we have dinner in our quarters tonight?"

We laugh, and kiss, then I go and fetch the first child.

"Ho, ho, ho!" Jean-Luc says, "Who are you and what do YOU want, little boy?"

"I'm George." he says quickly, "Do this is the way it's gonna work. I saw you kissing that elf. Can't say I blame you, though, she's a good looking one. Anyway, Santa, send me everything on this list and I won't say anything about what you got up to with the elf. If there's one thing missing, the news will be on it's way to Starfleet."

George promptly walks off with a satisfied smile.

"That was amazing!" I exclaim.



"Yes." Jean-Luc replies, "He'll probably be an Admiral before he is 25."

The next child comes in, a young girl called Miriam.

"Hello, Miriam." says Jean-Luc, "I'm Santa Claus. What do you want for Christmas."

"I want to be married and have lots of children!" she exclaims.

"But you're only six." Jean-Luc tells her, "Wouldn't you rather have some dollies like a Barbie Starfleet Officer or a dolls house?

"That's for children!" sneers Miriam, "I'm six and am nearly a grown woman."

Miriam gets up and reminds Jean-Luc that she expects Santa to deliver a gold wedding ring.

"That girl is growing up way too fast!" I comment.

"True enough." he answers, "She and George would probably go well together."



Jean-Luc continues seeing children, some of whom are sick over his outfit. Fortunately I am on hand with special elf tissue to rub it all..

"How many more, Bev?" Jean-Luc asks me, clearly exhausted.

"Just the one." I tell him.

A sweet little girl named Wendy comes in, looking very angelic.

"What do you want for Christmas, Wendy?" asks Jean-Luc.

"I want a doctor's medical instruction book, plus the Starfleet proceedure of recruitment." Wendy starts,"Plus the advanced guide to understanding the medical knowhow of all the races in Starfleet."

After running through all the medical equipment she will need for studying, sher says "Thank you, Santa." and skips off.

"Why did Wendy not say she wanted my job?" I sarcastically say, "It would have been a lot easier!"

"Well that's it for another year!" Jean-Luc says as he tries to pull off his beard, forgetting he added extra-string glue on!