A Far Distance

Today is not our day; we have been flung to the far corner of the universe.

It's not like we did a while ago; this is a different part; in fact it's so far out, the expanding universe is just about here.

Don't expect too many Starbases to turn up around here.

It all started when we offended this race of creatures called the Zarn. Mistakenly I called him 'Commander' instead of 'Captain' Because the Zarn take offence easily, they used a strange device on boaed to fly us to this position in a few seconds.

It sure beats warp speed.

"Which way is it back" asks Riker.

"Scanners have no action on that, Commander" reples Data.

That is Data-speak for "I haven't the remotest idea, come up with something useful."

"Ideas anyone? I ask them all. This is Picard-speak for "I haven't the remotest idea, come up with something useful.

"We could just travel home" says Worf.

"That would probably take 500 years, Lieutenant" Data tells him. "I would be the only one left on the ship when we got home."

"Maybe I could get the engines to go a little faster" suggests Geordi.

"What would that do, Mr La Forge?" I tell him, "Get us home in 490 years instead?"

He thinks for a while and remains silent.

"Could we contact the Zarn and apologise?" asks Deanna, "They might bring us back the way they brought us if we do"

"We can't communicate with anyone where we are, Counselor!"

Deanna stays quiet as well.

"Maybe we can find a Class M planet and all stay there for good? suggests Beverly, "We can create a whole community with the many people we have here."

I think she was making eyes at me there.

"Though it's realistic, Doctor" I tell her, "The universe is only forming here, and there will me no Class M planets for a long while."

"BEGONE!" a mysterious voice suddenly calls out, "GO FROM THIS PLACE!"

I tell the voice who we are, in the usual Starfleet drivel we have to learn. The voice takes no notice.

"BEGONE!"

It's like talking to a titanium wall.

"THIS IS MY DOMAIN! YOU WILL GO TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM!"

"If you send us there, we shall go." I tell the voice.

"VERY WELL!" the voice says.

The Enterprise shoots back and at a few seconds, we are at the point we were.

"Everything is just as it was." Data informs us.

"That's great" says Geordi.

"Captain, try not to offend the Zarn again" Riker says quietly to me, "Travelling long distance in short times doesn't agree with me."

Introducing Jadzia

I've got a right problem now; how do I tell my son Alexander about my new relationship with Jadzia Dax?

After some thinking, I've decided to chat with him and introduce Jadzia to Alexander so that we can all be happy together.

Why do I get the idea that this is not the right course of action?

-----------------

I'm in my quarters right now, and have asked Alexander to see me. Jadzia will be waiting in the other room, coming in at the appropriate moment.

"Hello father, you wished to see me?" says Alexander as he walks in.

"Yes, Alexander." I reply in a calm Klingon way, "I wish to talk with you about a certain delicate matter."

"It's not the facts of life, is it, father?" he replies, "I know all about that from the biology class we had some time ago."

"No, it's not that" I patiently say, "It's about my friend Deanna."

"I had been thinking of Deanna" he tells me, "I haven't seen her around here very much now. Doesn't she like you anymore. I like Deanna."

I wince at what Jadzia must be thinking as she hears all this while waiting in the next room.

"Deanna was a pleasant lady" I explain carefully, "But your father has a new friend who I'd like to introduce to you".

Jadzia walks in from the other room.

"Hello, Alexander" she says pleasantly.

"This is my new friend Jadzia Dax" I tell him, 'Say 'hello' to Jadzia, Alexander."

"Hello" Alexander says, then looks up and down at her. He then looks back at me. I know what he's going to say.

"I prefer Deanna" he says clearly, "Can't we have her back instead. Deanna was always so kind and pleasant to me."

I could hear the grating of Jadzia's teeth as she struggled not to say anything. The tension in the air could have been cut with a bat'leth.

"No, Alexander" I firmly inform him, "Jadzia is your father's friend from now on, so I want you to get to like her so that we can all be friends together here on the Enterprise."

"That's what you said when you introduced me to Deanna." he protests, "Will you be having another friend when Jadzia goes?"

"NO!" both I and Jadzia tell him together.

"Can I still see Deanna?" he asks me.

I'll have to be tactful here, otherwise I'll have Jadzia walking out very soon.

"Err...you can see her in her Counselor role, Alexander" I inform in in my best fatherly tone, "But I don't think it would be a good idea if you saw her around here. Jadzia can help you if you have any problems here."

Alexander walks out apparently satisfied with the answer, although he gives Jadzia a suspicious look.

Jadzia gives me a kiss. I think I came through it all in one piece.

Why is it I would rather be facing a group of Romulans heavily armed than having a chat with my son?

The Picard Song: Corrected

Apologies to those who could not get access to 'The Picard Song'.

It has now been corrected. and you should see it by clicking below.

Thanks to Mike for the help provided in my comment' section

------------


Here's something my Intern found while looking around the internet.

It's called 'The Picard Song'.

Get your speakers on and stand by.

Whatever you do, don't miss it!!!

The Picard Song

TWQ: Awkward Questions By Children

This week, we look at what children have said...

Have you as a child ever said anything that was potentially embarrassing, (though you didn't know then) or have you heard a child say something that made you feel awkward or difficult to answer?

This is my answer:

One I can remember most is asking my mother about women and why their were differences between men and them. I can't remember her answer, which is probably a good thing!

Now it's over to you...

The Walt Springer Show (Part Three)

The last transcript from 'The Walt Springer Show'...

----------------------------

Applause

Walt Springer: "Hi folks; welcome back. We are talking to the senior staff from the Starship Enterprise. Let's go to Lieutenant Worf. How do you feel being the only Klingon on board?"

Worf: "Actually, my son Alexander is on there."

WS: "Oh, sure, but being a Klingon, do you think you might not be too popular? After all, our two races never seemed to got on, did they?"

Worf: "Are you trying to cause trouble?"

WS: "No, why would I?"

Worf: "I assure you, Mr Springer, your minions would not be able to protect you if I lost my temper with you!"

Audience: "Ooooooh"

WS: "Ok, Lieutenant, let's not get too hasty. Now then, Commander Riker, how come you've held the same job for so long? Don't you have any career aspirations, or do Starfleet not think you are good enough as a Captain."

Riker: "I'll take a Captain's job when the right one comes along. In the meantime, I'm happy to be the Commander on the flagship vessel of Starfleet."

WS: "Don't you think you'd better get a Captain's job soon, otherwise some might think you'll be err... 'past it?'"

Audience laughs loud.

Riker: "What are you implying? Move on, Springer!"

WS: "Oh yes, sure, Commander. Now we come to Doctor Beverly Crusher and Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Doctor, why don't you tell us all about your relationship with the Captain?"

Audience: "Oooooooh!"

Beverly: "Err...ummm."

Picard: "I don't think that's any of your business, Springer. Doctor Crusher and I refuse to comment any further on our relationship, which is purely professional anyway."

WS: "Well folks, as Jean-Luc & Beverly are keeping quiet about what they get up to, perhaps our last guest can shed some light. Give a big welcome to Cadet Wesley Crusher!"

The audience cheers and Picard puts his face in his hands again.

WS: "Now then, Wes, perhaps you can tell me whether your mom likes Captain Picard? Do they go on dates?"

Wesley: "Oh, sure, Walt. They love going on dates. It takes ages for her to get ready when they do. She's loves those dates. They might even get married someday and the Captain will be my stepfather. It'll be great and I can call him Dad."

Picard winces and Beverly is red-faced; both are glaring at Wes.

WS: "Well, we do have a happy couple here, don't we folks? When will the wedding be, Captain? Will I get an invite? Maybe we could do the wedding right here on the show?"

Audience cheers; Picard gets up and suddenly punches Sringer in the eye. He falls on the floor. All the senior staff applaud and walk off with him.

WS: "That was an interesting ending, wasn't it folks? Just time for my Final Thought. Just remember that in space, no one can hear you say 'Ooops! I shouldn't have pressed that button!' Goodnight, and tune in next week, when we hear from a Bajoran dating agency that have Cardassians on their books. Until then, goodbye."

Audience applauds.

The Walt Springer Show (Part Two)

Continuing the transcript of 'The Walt Springer Show'

-----------------------

Applause.

Walt Springer: "Hi folks, welcome back to the show. We're talking to the senior staff of the Starship Enterprise, and finding out what makes them tick. From 'tick', I think it would be good if we had a word with Lieutenant Commander Data."

Data: "Good evening, Mr Springer"

Audience: "Oooooooh!"

WS: "No need to be formal, Data; now, you're a robot, aren't you."

Data, "Actually, sir, I am an android, classed as an artificially life form created by Doctor Noonian Soong."

Audience: "Ooooooh!"

WS: "We don't need the long words, here, Data. The folks here just want to find out what turns you on."

Springer looks mischievously at the audience who fall about laughing.

Data: "Sorry, sir. I don't quite understand."

WS: "Well, Data, I mean how do you get activated in the morning?"

Data: "My internal clock will do that."

WS: "Doesn't anyone have a remote that can switch you on and off like a tv? It would sure help on space travel, wouldn't it, folks?"

The audience falls about laughing again.

Picard: "I don't think you need to bother Data again with your inuendo, Springer. Move on to someone else, quickly."

WS: "Yes, sure Captain. Don't want to upset the top banana of the Enterprise, do we? Now let's turn to Deanna Troi. My, you are a colourful character aren't you, Deanna?"

Deanna: "What do you mean?"

WS: "Well, you have all these boyfriends of yours. On reflection, I think I could have had an entire show built around your love life!"

Audience howls with laughter.

WS: "Now let's see, you have a boyfriend who is Commander Riker here, but you also like Lieutenant Worf. He has an admirer in Lieutenant Jadzia Tax, who has recently transferred to the Enterprise...so tell me Counselor, who is with who, now?

Deanna: "I don't wish to discuss my private life here."

WS: "But, Deanna, ALL people come on this show to discuss their private lives."

Riker: "Listen, Springer, Deanna says she's not going to discuss her private life here, so button up, or you'll have me to deal with."

Audience: "Oooooooh!"

WS: "That's ok, folks, I think I'm safe. Commander Riker is partial to donuts, and I don't think he's visited the Enterprise gym in a long while. "

Audience laughs wildly.

WS: "Anyway, we need to sort out this weird 'Menage a' Troi", so let's invite our special guest on to the stage.... Lieutenant Jadzia Dax!"

Dax walks on to the stage. Picard puts his head in his hands again.

WS: "Now, then, Jadzia, can you clarify this for all of us?"

Jadzia: "Oh, sure, Walt. There I was, perfectly happy to have Worfie all to myself, but the Troi woman comes along and says he is hers, even though she goes with Commander Riker. Fortunately, after a competition, I have Worfie all to myself, and she is stuck with Riker. Isn't that true, Worfie-baby?:

Worf: "Er, yes, Jadzia."

Deanna: "I should have won that competion, Dax!"

Jadzia: "I won it fairly, Troi!"

The two women dive at each other and start tearing and pulling at each other's hair, and scratching their faces. Minders come quickly and place the in different chairs far apart from each other. The studio beeper is on overload in the producer's room.

WS: "Whew folks! I think we'd better take a break and resume after these words from our sponsor, Ferengi Fshnets. Remember their motto: 'Legs Make A Profit'. See you again in a few moments."

The Walt Springer Show (Part One)

What follows is the transcript for 'The Walt Springer Show' The senior staff of the Enterprise were ordered by Starfleet to take part in this so that it would promote better understanding between the citizens of the Federation and those who were in the starships.

What a farce.....

-------------------------

The show theme plays and the audience cheers loudly.

Audience: "Walt! Walt! Walt! Walt!"

Walt comes on to rousing applause.

Walt Springer: "Hi folks, it's great to see you again. After last week's story about the bigamist who 'married' a Klingon, a Romulan and a Cardassian without any of the wives knowing about the other, we've got a great group of gusts with us tonight."

Audience: "Oooooh!"

WS: "Tonight, we've got the senior staff from the Federation Starship Enterprise all here!"

Audience: "Oooooooooh!"

The guests beam on to their chairs; the audience applauds.

WS: "Let me introduce Lieutenant Worf, Counselor Troi, Doctor Beverly Crusher, Lieutenant Commander Geordi La Forge, Lieutenant Commander Data, Commander William Riker and last, but not least, the leader of this merry band, Captain Jean-Luc Picard."

Applause

WS: "Now first of all, Jean-Luc, how do you lead this group of characters?"

Picard: "Mr Springer, I'd prefer it if you'd address me as 'Captain' or 'Captain Picard'.

Audience: "Ooooooooh!"

WS (turning to the audience): "Wow, folks, it looks like we're in for some Starfleet official protocol here. I'd better watch what I say, or I'll get thrown in the Enterprise brig!"

Audience laughs hysterically.

WS: "Ok, I'll ask Mr La Forge...er is that ok?"

La Forge: "You can call me Geordi."

WS: "That's great; you have really cool shades there, Geordi. Does it attract the girls on the Enterprise?"

La Forge: "I'm blind, you idiot!"

WS: "Woops, folks, the Political Correctness Manager at the station will get me for that one. We'll have so many letters."

Audience laughs.

WS: "Now then, Geordi, you are the Chief Engineer on the Enterprise. I've heard from reliable sources that the Warp Core has broken down a few times. You haven't been buying components on the cheap, have you?"

La Forge: "How did you find that....I mean that's simply not true. All the components on the Enterprise are of the finest quality. It's only through the amount of travel it does that makes it wear down a little."

WS: "Err..yeah, sure!" (he looks at audience, who laugh with him)

WS: "Now, Geordi, on the video screen, we've got a special guest, it's your girlfriend, Trisha Lewis!"

Trisha: "Hi Geordi! Hi Walt! Hi everybody!"

Picard puts his head in his hands and groans

WS: "Now, Trisha, how did you and Geordi meet?"

Trisha: "Through a dating agency, Walt."

WS: "How is your relationship now, Trisha?"

Trisha: "Oh, great, we love each other to bits, don't we Geordi, honey?"

La Forge: "Er...yes, sure, Trish."

WS: "Thanks Trisha, and goodbye."

The screen fades as Trisha waves at the audience.

WS: "That's all for now folks. Be sure to join me after the break, when I'll be talking to more of the Enterprise crew."

Applause

TWQ: Job Interviews

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) goes into the awful world of job interviews:

What experience have you had with job interviews? Have you ever been asked a question which you just couldn't answer, or one where you would dearly love to give a sharp snappy answer?

This is my answer:

I'm hopeless at job interviews; I always seize up, and appear to have no knowledge of anything! The question that always invites a sharp answer is the inevitable "Where do you see youirself in five years?" Wouldn't we all like to say, "In your job, so that the maorale of this firm goes up."

Now it's over to you...

Just before you go..

I've been tagged by Wedge Antilles

Data didn't put the shields up, so here we go:

1: Favourite Chocolate: Belgian Truffles
2: Favourite Pizza Topping: Don't like pizza.
3: Favourite Food: Lasagnea
4: Favourite Cheese: West Country Farmhouse Mature
5: Favourite Pirate Phrase: "Hoist the Jolly Roger!"
6: Favourite Music Genre: Late '60's to early '70's.
7: Favourite Musical Artist: The Beatles
8: What are you listening to right now?: Nothing at all.
9: Favourite Movie Genre: Too varied.
10: Favourite Movie: The Hours
11: Favourite TV Show: 24
12: Favourite Console game: don't have one
13: Favourite Computer Game: Baldur's Gate (might be 'Oblivion' when it comes this week)
14: Favourite Board Game: Monopoly
15: Ever platy Dungeons & Dragons?: On the computer (see Baldur's Gate)
16: Where are the Cheetos? Use a replicator.
17: Can I have a Mountain Dew?: What's that?
18: Do you believe in a higher power?: Sure
19: How many of these quizzes have you ever taken, email or blogs, in your net-surfing career?: Too many.
20: On a scale of banana to zebra, banana being "pink polka-dotted slippers" and zebra being "WTF?", how surreal would a guy taking a shower in a tub full of brightly coloured wrenches and monochromatic cat toys be?: I'm sorry, I'll read that again.
21: Have any pets?: No
22: If yes on 21 what is the silliest thing you have seen them do?: Not a lot, since I don't have one.
23: You think Karnov should have ended this quiz 20 questions ago?: Is he the idiot who started this?
24: Ever Play 20 Questions?: Is it bigger than a breadbox? Sorry, I thought we were playing!
25: Think I get bored on my lunch breaks?: No, I get bored before my lunch break and afterwards.
26: Who would win in a fight between Mr. T, Chuck Norris, and that giant robot from that one goofy Beastie Boys Video?: I haven't seen the giant robot, but I would go for him as the other two must be getting on a bit.
27: Could you conceivably use a Terrabyte Harddisk?: Explain, please.
28: HAH! HAH! I ACTUALLY HAVE A 28th QUESTION!!1! (Unfortunately it is more of a statement.): You epitomize the concept of nerdism.
29: Paper or Plastic?: Paper can be recycled.
30: Who will you tag to take this quiz next?: Absolutely no one.

Life With Q

Things are just so boring in the Q Continuum right now.

Well they have been for the past six million eons. There just seems nothing to do around there. I can't play games with the other Qs because they know I always cheat.

We sometimes create a few panics for a few planets to liven things up a little.

It can be a whole lot of fun to create a comet and get it on a collision course with a planet, watch the citizens run around like headless Kvandas and just make the comet disappear or miss the planet at the very last moment.

But frankly, once one has done that a few hundred times, it gets rather humdrum.

What about the Federation though? They are always good for a few laughs. humans are so weird, they never do what a Q thinks they are going to do. They have no logic; except Vulcans that is. They are so bo-ring. I wouldn't invite them to my party; they would hardly be the life and soul.

Captain Kathryn Janeway is in a right mess isn't she? The Delta Quadrant isn't exactly around the block for them. That woman can't find her way out of a room with one door!

I could snap my finger and bring her right back, of course, but there is so much fun ahead of her in Voyager's journey back. I must admit, it is a treat to watch her. Give the lady a map someone!

Now how about my old friend Jean-Luc? Let's see what he's up to...

Hmm, the Enterprise is fighting a tough race known as the Sarvaal. Either ship could win at the moment.

I wonder if he'd like me to drop in and say hello? I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Jean-Luc always likes to see me.

"Evasive Pattern Delta 4" Jean-Luc tells his minions.

Doesn't he sound tough?

I'll change their uniforms to those of 19th century Mexican bandits and place a Mexican orchestra in the background.

"Q!!" Picard shouts.

How does he know it's me.

I appear in my Starflleet uniform.

"Hello Jean-Luc" I ask him, "I thought I'd drop in and see how you are."

"Change us back!" he shouts, "Can't you see we're fighting the Sarvaal? We might lose this!"

"Oh, nonsense, Jean-Luc!" I say, "You've got plenty of tough weapons here that will send those home with a headache!"

"Shields at 20%" shouts that Klingon, Worf.

"Do you hear that, Q?" Picard says, "Two more attacks and the shields will go down."

The orchestra keeps playing beautiful Mexican songs; they are playing to Deanna Troi, the only female on the Bridge.

"And get those musicians off!" he tells me; I think he's developing a headache. I make them all disappear.

"Shields at 10%!" Worf gloomily reminds us.

The Sarvaal are in the way; I make their ship disappear and materialise on their home planet.

"Thank you, Q" says Jean-Luc quietly.

"Does that mean I can be a member of your crew, Captain?" I ask. "Bags me for the First Officer job! Riker has had it too long."

"NO!" both Picard and Riiker tell me.

Oh, they are no fun today. I'll head back to the Q Continuum.

Maybe the other Qs haven't learnt Kadiscot properly yet?

I know how to cheat at that!

The Bowling Match (Part Two)

Both the Federation and the Klingon teams walk into the Auditorium, greeted by loud cheers.

K'Plath, the Klingon leader looks at me and sneers.

"You have the most miserable side I have ever seen." he declares, "We shall win easily, and it shall be a day of great victory for the Klingon Empire. It is a good day to win."

"Excuse me," says Data, "This is only a ten-pin bowling competition meant to encourage harmony between our two sides."

"Hah!" replies K'Plath, "It is meant to show the superiority of the Klingon Empire."

The match starts and I deliver the first bowl; I get a strike.

"Sttttttrrrrrrriiikkkkeeee!!!" I declare.

K'Plath sneers and goes to deliver his bowl. he also gets a strike.

The whole team burst into chants and songs of old.

Riker goes next. He delivers a dodgy looking bowl, but manages to get a strike. He returns to the team and eats a donut.

Varl goes next; he delivers a strike with awesome power; two skittles are shattered and have to be replaced.

"That is the way us Klingons play!" he laughs.

They sing another ballad of victory.

Deanna goes next. She delivers a wobbly looking ball that goes all over the lane; it just about reaches the skittles and incredibly knocks them down.

"Is that all right, Captain?" she asks.

"Err..yes, Deanna, that is fine." I reply.

Servalia, the Klingon woman delivers next. She gets a perfect strike. Afterwards, she seductively walks over to Riker.

"Hi, honey," she whispers, "If you want to dump this Betazoid, you and I could make a great bowling team...and be together all the time."

Deanna looks mad.

"Take your hands off him, Klingon!" she threateningly tells him, "No one has my man!"

"I heard that you have quite a taste for Klingon men, Deanna" replies Servalia, "It's only fair that your boyfriend has a Klingon woman."

The two of them start to fight, but K'Plath and I separate them; Servalia & Deanna exchange bitter glances.

Data goes next in the match; he weighs the bowl, calculates the distance and delivers a perfect strike. T'Karth follows with another good strike.

The match carries on, but we are starting to fall behind. Riker gets to deliver his bowl, but feels stomach pains. Beverly checks him.

"It's all those donuts he has been eating while playing; it hasn't done him any good. Now he's too ill to play."

"Right" I tell her, "You're going to have to play as the designated substitute, Beverly. Are you sure you can play?"

"I have an idea." she tells me.

The match goes on; we gradually catch up and overtake.

The reason? Beverly delivers a perfect strike every time, while all the others in both teams falter at some stage.

She is the most consistant bowler, and just win by one point at the end.

The Klingons sulk off. They shout and swear at each other as they leave.

"I had no idea you could play this so well, Beverly." I tell her.

"Did I not tell you I was the Starfleet Academy Ten-Pin Bowling Champion, Jean-Luc?" she coyly tells me, and kisses me on the cheek.

The Bowling Match (Part One)

I've just been informed to take a Secure Channel message on my monitor.

This must be very important.

Admiral Crane, the Federation Leisure Of Planets (FLOP) representative is one the other end.

"Hello Captain Picard." he says, "I've got some great news for you. The Enterprise crew has been selected to represent the Federation this year in the annual bowling match against the Klingons."

I look stunned. Is that it?

"Yes!" Crane continues enthusiastically, the annual Federation vs Klingon Bowling Match is a great event. It does get very competitive. The Klingons like to win."

"I'm sure they do, Sir." I comment, "What do I have to do?"

"You have to nominate four players to me now for your team, plus a substitute in case of injury. It's a good idea to have a woman in the team so that the Federation is seen to be representative of both sexes."

I think for a moment.

"I'll nominate myself, Commander Riker, Lieutenant Commander Data and Lieutenant Worf, with Counselor Troi as a substitute."

Crane winces.

"Er, Captain, I don't think that will suffice." he says, "There would be a lot of problems with the Klingons if we have Lieutenant Worf on. They will see him as a traitor who should be on their side. Besides that, you don't have a woman in your starting line-up"

I think again.

"Very well," I say, "I'll nominate myself, Commander Riker, Lieutenant Commander Data and Counselor Troi, with Dr Crusher as the substitute."

"That's excellent" Crane tells me, "How good are they at ten-pin bowling?"

"I haven't a clue" I truthfully tell him, "You asked me to nominate a team, and I have; whether they are any good, we shall see."

Crane has a gloomy look, as if he already thinks the Cup will be in the Klingon Empire's trophy cupboard this year."

The trouble is, he might be right.

I say goodbye to Crane and leave the Ready Room to inform the team.

Riker is all keen; he tells me he loves to play competition games.

Data says he has consulted the computer and has downloaded all the details into his positroniv brain.

"What is ten-pin bowling?" inquires Deanna. Oh dear.

Beverly tells be she will be pleased to help out if someone is injured.

It looks like a bowling whitewash this year.

-------------------------

We arrive at Starbase 6, where the match is taking place.

Our team, named 'The Feds' beam down to the landing sot outside the Auditorium. We are greeted by a small man and five vicious looking Klingons.

"You must be the Federation team." says the man, "Welcome to Starbase 6. I am Gordon Snivelly, and this is the Klingon team."

One of them looks at me aggressively.

"We are The Destroyers, and we shall demolish the Federation Opposition!" he angrily informs me, " I am K'Plath, and this is Varl, T'Karth, and R'Salm. The Klingon woman is Servalia."

Servalia is a very attractive woman who winks at Riker.

"Hello handsome!" she says.

Deanna glares at Riker as he smiles.

"The will be no fraternisation with the opposition!" K'Plath tells her, "We shall now go in and destroy your team!"

Snivelly tells us what to do, and leaves us.

We all walk into the Auditorium.

TWQ: Works Of Art

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at works of art:

Which works of art have always impressed you, whether you have actually seen them or not?

My answers are:

Olympia by Eduard Manet (Musee D'Orsay, Paris)

The Lady of Shalot by John Waterhouse (Tate Britain, London)

Wedding Feast at Canaan by Paulo Caliari (Louvre, Paris)

The Raft Of The Medusa by Theodore Gericault (Louvre, Paris)

The Return Of The Prodigal Son by Rembrandt van Rijn (The Hermitage, St Petersburg)

I have had the pleasure of seeing all of the above.

Now it's over to you...

The Ferengi Shop

"I don't think it's a good idea!" I try to say to the Admiral, while drinking Earl Grey in my Ready Room.

"It's too late, Captain, it's being set up" replies Admiral Warrington, who was responsible for planetary species integration, "We want to show the Ferengi that we like them, so we are establishing a shop run by them here on the Enterprise."

"What about replicators? Surely people will prefer to use them?" I tell him.

"That's true" he tells me, "But the shop will specialise in items that are originals, and can only be appreciated as such. After all, no one likes replicated Klingon Bloodwine, do they?"

"It'll never work!" I say gloomily, "The Ferengi just want to make as much profit as possible."

"Now, Captain." Warrington sharply tells me, "We don't want that sort of attitude here; make Mr Tok feel welcome when he arrives."

I grudgingly agree.

Riker tells me on the Com that Tok is ready to be beamed aboard from Starbase 2, where we are currently orbiting.

The Admiral and I, plus the senior staff go to Transporter Room 3 to welcome the Ferengi.

"Now remember, Captain" whispers the Admiral to me, "Be hospitable to him"

I mumble something and a figure beams aboard.

Tok looks arounds at us all in a very furtive manner to us all. I approach him.

"Hello Mr Tok" I formally say, "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and I'd like to welcome you to..

"Is that the best outfit you have?" he asks me, "I can run you up a really classy outfit; just come to my new shop and you'll look like a real Captain."

"This is a regulation uniform" I frostily tell him, "We not not allow individual styles."

"That's too bad" he continues, "I've got a super watch collection here. " He lifts his sleeve to reveal a large collection.

"This one tells the stardate in 1504 different languages" he happily informs me as he points to one. I decline. He makes Quark from Deep Space Nine look like a respectable member of society.

He looks at Beverly and Deanna.

"Ah, the ladies" he says, as he walks to them, "I'll be having some wonderful dresses for you in the shop. You can see which ones suit you. I'll give you two a special 10% discount if you have them within 24 hours."

Beverly & Deanna look very pleased at this prospect.

Admiral Warrington gets ready to beam off.

"I'll leave him with him, Captain." he says with a grin, before vanishing.

---------------

A little later, I go to the Bridge so that we can break orbit from Starbase 2.

No one is there except Data.

"Where is everyone?" I ask him.

"They are all at The Opening Day Sale in the shop of the new Ferengi resident, Mr Tok, Captain." he replies.

I walk down to Tok's shop; crowds of crewmembers are trying to get into the shop. I see Deanna coming out, looking pleased over a new dress. Worf has an engraved bat'leth. I push past.

"Hey, wait your turn!" says one crewmember to me, "I've been waiting ages in the queue."

I give up and decide to return to the Bridge and wait for them to return.

Whatever will happen if the Enterprise is attacked on a Sale Day?

Deanna Troi: Borg Queen (Part Two)

"What are we going to do, Captain?" I ask the Cappy as he takes me down to SickBay, "The Borg are going to invade in a few minutes, and that awful Borg Queen replica of myself is going to assimilate us all!"

"Don't panic, Deanna," he says, "We are going to have to dress you up a little."

I'm worried here, as it looks like I've got some work with me to do. How I wish I was shopping at the Starfleet Mall with Bev right now.

The Cappy gets me to SickBay; he goes over to Bev and whispers to her; she looks at me. Somehow I don't think they were talking about a date with each other.

"Come here, Deanna," says Bev, "This won't take long"

--------------

After a couple of minutes, Bev looks at the Cappy and nods.

I look in the mirror.



"I look just like that awful Queen" I shriek.

"Yes" says the Cappy, "Now I'll tell you what to do; we need one volunteer for you to take over to the Cube."

"I'll go!" pipes up a female voice.

It's the awful Jadzia Dax.

"I'll be more than happy to take on Deanna Troi...I mean the Borg Queen" she proudly tells the Cappy.

"And Counselor", he whispers, "We would like Lieutenant Dax back as well; don't leave her there."

What a pity.

I get instructed on the full mission, which makes me ever longful for the Ferengi Fishnets shop and the Betazoid Beauty Store.

"Two drones are on the Bridge!" shouts Will over the Com.

Dax and I run up to the Bridge with heavy disruptors and enter, The drones turn round and look puzzled.

"You will not assimilate these people, but will come back to the Cube with myself and this Trill woman." I tell them.

Will looks amazed, but has a smile on his face; I'm not surprised while I'm wearing this outfit.

Jadzia Dax & I beam back with the drones. I am allowed easy access around the Cube because of who I am. We go to the Central Complex where we see the Borg Queen.

"Well, well, Deanna" she says, "Eager to start your life the Borg, it seems? We'll take the Trill woman."

The two of us suddenly blast away with our disruptors, and the Queen is injured before her body shields prevent further damage.

"Here is the self-destruct" shouts Dax. She activates it. The drones are still too confused to move agaiinst us.

That's it. I've had enough danger for one day. The Cappy had better let me spend a week in the Mall as a reward for all this!

"Two to beam out!" I call, and we are back on the Enterprise.

There is a loud blast as the Cube explodes,

"Warp engines offline!" says Geordi.

"One lifesign still remaining!" Data tells us.

A Borg escape pod has jettisoned, but goes at transwarp speed. With warp engines offline, we can't catch it."

"We are being hailed" Data tells us.

I just wonder who it's gonna be?

The image of the wounded Troi Borg Queen appears.

"You got away this time" she tells us, as she nurses her wounds, "But I'll get my revenge...especially on you, Deanna!"

Her image fades.

-------------------

"I'm off to the SickBay to get fixed up" I say, when looking at myself.

"You could keep the outfit on if you like, Deanna!" grins a satisfied Riker as if he has a plateful of donuts in front of him.

I give him a glare and walk out....although I did laugh to myself as well.

Deanna Troi: Borg Queen (Part One)

We've come across another anomoly in space; judging by our ability to find them, and the trouble it causes, we should head sharply in the other direction.

However, as somehow we've been labelled as 'explorers' we have to take a look.

"It is an apparent tear in space." declares Data scientifically, "It leads to a parallel universe."

"Can we see what it is like in there without getting sucked in?" I ask.

"Scanners are working, Captain." he says, "It reveals a lot of familiar planets there, including Earth. Lifesigns reveal they are all Borg. There are no others there."

"Shields up!" shouts Riker. I'll have to tell him that I want a turn at saying that sometime. Does he think that being the Commander untitles him to sole us of that phrase?

A Borg dominated universe is no place to see.

"The tear is very volitile" states Data, "It will collapse at any moment; wait, sir, there is a vessel coming through."

We see a Borg Cube come through just as the tear seals itself.

That's great! A battle with a Cube from a parallel universe! At least I won't be writing 'Nothing happened.' in my Journal. I'll more than likely be writing, 'Was assimilated today' in it.

We are hailed from the Cube with the usual phrases.

"We are the Borg; resistance is futile; you will be assimilated."

Even though they are from a parallel universe, the Borg script is still the same.

Oddly, though, the sound of the feminine voice that delivers it sounds eerily familiar; I can't think where, though.

A visual hail comes on the screen.



"Greetings, Captain; hello Will." says the Borg Queen. It is clearly an assimilated Deanna.

Riker chokes on the donut he was eating. Deanna, sitting next to me, can't believe it. She drops her chocolate sundae. My cup of Earl Grey falls off my chair.

"Yes, I was formerly Deanna Troi before I was assimilated and enlightened by the Collective." says the Queen."We have taken over and destroyed what was the Federation in our universe. Now we shall be doing the same in this one, starting with the Enterprise."

"No you won't!" I tell her in my 'authoritive Captain voice', "You'll find us very resiliant."

"They all say that at first" she sighs, "How about if I assimilate you first, Deanna? We could become great friends, "There are some great shops in the Borg Shopping Mall that we could explore together."

"Are there?" says Deanna eagerly for a moment, before she realises the situation.

"And as for you, Will" continues the Queen, "I may not assimilate you, but keep you as my little pet. You were no fun as a drone in the other universe."

A tractor beam from the Cube grips the Enterprise. We are starting to be pulled towards it.

"Drones will come aboard to escort you to the Assimilation Chamber." says the Queen menacingly.

I must admit, as tough spots go, this must rank an '11 out of 10'.

"Ideas!" I shout to the senior staff. I always say this when I haven't got a clue.

They all look clueless. Then I look at Deanna.

"Counselor" I may have an idea.

TWQ: Road Songs

TWQ (The Weekend Question) goes out on the road and asks:

What songs would you love to listen to while driving down a long, empty road?

Here are my answers:

'Born To Be Wild' (Steppenwolf)

'Aquarius/Let The Sun Shine In' (The Fifth Dimension)

'Proud Mary' (Creedence Clearwater Revival)

'Hey Jude' (The Beatles)

'American Pie' (Don McLean)

'I Feel Free' (Cream)

'Spirit In The Sky' (Norman Greenbaum)

'Something In The Air' (Thunderclap Newman)

Now it's over to you...

A Date With Beverly

This evening, Beverly and I are having a date by spending some time in the holodeck having a picnic as the twin suns of Sira set, creating a beautiful effect.

As we are Captain and Doctor, we don't usually do this; rather discreetly, I have told Riker that Dr Crusher and I are studying various route options for the Enterprise to travel in the Osarka System.

"If you say so." Riker had said in a sly voice, followed by a wink.

Anyway, Beverly and I are sitting on a grass hilltop within the holodeck eating our sandwiches; the twin suns are lowering.

"Oh, Jean-Luc" says Beverly, "This is so romantic; we should have done this before."

The holodeck door opens and Data walks in.

"I am very sorry, Captain" he declares, "But I understood that you and the Doctor were studying routes for the Enterprise to go; I wanted to see if you needed my help."

"We've already done that, Data." I tell him, "Dr Crusher and I are just err...relaxing before we go back."

"I see; I could stay with you if you wish, Captain."

"That won't be necessary, Data! " I snap, "You can go back to the Bridge."

Data leaves, and Beverly starts chatting.

"Sira is such a beautiful place, Jean-Luc. Maybe we'd like to see it for real somet.."

Geordi walks in.

"Hi Captain," he states eagerly, "I heard that there were some routes that you were planning; maybe I could help by calculating the engine's optimum performance."

"I don't think we need your input Mr La Forge" I irritatingly say, "The Doctor and I have it all worked out between us."

Geordi takes a look at Beverly and I.

"Err, yes, I see what you mean." he stammers, and hurriedly leaves.

The twin suns start to sink even further; Beverly and I eat our sandwiches, and afterwards put my arm round her shoulder.

"Beverly," I tell her, "I really want to say..."

Deanna walks in.

"Captain, can I have a word with Bev?" she inquires, "I want to see if she's free for the next girlie night out."

Beverly sighs and gets up to talk with Deanna; they whisper in each other's ear. Deanna looks at me, has a fit of giggles amd leaves.

"All sorted out?" I ask Beverly.

"Err, yes" she replies.

We sit down again; the twin suns have almost set. We move close together, and we start to kiss.

Worf enters.

"Captain!" he barks out, "There is a security disturbance; one of the prisoners we have been escorting has escaped."

"Can't Commander Riker handle it?" I say.

"He has ensured teams are seaching for him, but wanted you and Doctor Crusher to be aware of the situation."

"Thank you, Mr Worf!" I say with a resigned voice before he leaves.

"I'm sorry, Beverly" I say to her, "But it seems our date was doomed from the start."

"Don't worry, Jean-Luc." she replies, "We'll have our date another time."

"It's maddened me though." I angrily declare, "If someone else comes through that door, they will regret it!"

The door opens.

I turn round and without seeing I run and grab the person, knocking him unconsious.

"Why can't you leave us alone!!" I yell out.

When I look, I see I've got my hands round the neck of the escaped prisoner.

Worf and the security team quickly follow.

"Well done, Captain!" he says, "You managed to capture him; it would have required great strength to to that."

As they take him away, Beverly kisses me.

"Very good, Jean-Luc" she whispers, "Our date turned out well, after all."