Random Thoughts And A "Perfect Martini"

After the College Championship Football game, as if by unwritten law, every lowlife asshole known to man immediately celebrated by setting fire to cars and generally causing mayhem. Where are snipers when you need them? Time to thin the herd.

Why does Hussein Obama find it difficult to refer to the current wave of terrorism as "Radical Islam"? Every other world leader does. Everyone! Perhaps he's worried about offending his relatives.

He couldn't make it to the world memorial walk in Paris yet he managed to send several White House representatives to Michael Brown's funeral. Damn, you'd think he could have at least sent "Podium Al" Sharpton to Paris as his personal representative.

On a different note, my battle with Microsoft has come to a successful conclusion after 8-10 hours of phone calls to the off-shore techs in the Philippines and Costa Rica. They re-installed Windows 7 and to date, everything is running smoothly and Samantha has resumed her position sitting on the keyboard.

And finally, the bug I have been fighting is displaying the surrender flag, although, in the terms of surrender, the tricky little bastard has reserved the right to cough at will at inopportune times such as when I am speaking to others or on the phone. Fortunately, most  everyone tolerates the cough attack, patiently waiting to see if I will pull through the coughing bout or simply die.

My "Perfect Martini' has been in constant contact with me to make sure I'm okay. Un besito, mi amor!

The News As I See It: A congressman from Texas sent out a tweet comparing Obama to Hitler. That is ridiculous because at this point in his career, Hitler had a much higher approval rating.

After Mitt Romney announced he was considering a 2016 presidential campaign, his former running mate Paul Ryan announced that he will not run. Ryan won't say who he'll support. He just wants the best man for the Jeb.....Job, I mean job.

Fifteen states have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it’s now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks.

New research suggests that men who regularly post selfies are more likely to have psychopathic tendencies. While women who regularly post selfies are more likely to be a Kardashian.

This Date In History: 1639; The first constitution of Connecticut, Fundamental Orders, was adopted. 1784; The United States ratified treaty with England ending the Revolutionary War. 1943; President Roosevelt and Prime Minister Churchill meet at the Casablanca Conference.

1953; Tito formally became the first president of the Republic of Yugoslavia. 1954; Marilyn Monroe married baseball legend Joe DiMaggio. 1963; George Wallace sworn in as Alabama's governor, promising "segregation forever."

1973; The Miami Dolphins became the first NFL team to go undefeated and have a perfect season by beating the Washington Redskins in Super Bowl VII. 1990; The Simpsons premiered on television. 2008; Bobby Jindal takes office as governor of Louisiana as the first elected Indian-American governor of the U.S.

Picture Of The Day: For my car lovers, do any of you know if this carburetor would fit a small block Chevy?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The doctor came out of the operating room and said, "I'm sorry sir, your mother-in-law didn't make it." The man answered, "Was it the lack of prayers on Facebook?" The doctor replied, "Yes sir, I'm afraid it was." 2) If your smart phone gets wet, put it in a bag of dry rice. Then at night, the rice will attract Asians and they will fix all your electronics for you.

3) The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over. 4) My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one. 5) My girlfriend and I are re-enacting "Titanic". We're at the part where Rose is naked on the couch. I can't draw well. I think my pencil may be out of lead.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 14th: Feeding stray cats and dogs is admirable and may seem important to you today in order to get a feeling of self worth and satisfaction. Do be careful of squirrels as they have been known to want to nest in your hair. Disregard this warning if you are bald.

Birthdays: Benedict Arnold, general and traitor 1741, Henri Fantin-Latour, painter 1836, Berthe Morisot, impressionist painter 1841, R.F. Outcault, cartoonist and illustrator 1863, Albert Schweitzer, Alsatian Medical Missionary 1875, John Dos Passos, novelist 1896, Harold Russell, soldier and actor 1914, Faye Dunaway, actress 1941, Shannon Lucid, astronaut and biochemist 1943, Maureen Dowd, journalist 1952, Steven Soderbergh, filmmaker 1963, Emily Watson, actress 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it.

He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states, "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh." Realizing his mistake he grows red with embarrassment. After purchasing a ticket to Pittsburgh, he sits and waits for his bus.

Shortly after sitting down, a man walks up to him and says, "Don't worry about that, it's called a 'Freudian Slip' and it happens all the time. Like the other day I was sitting with my wife at dinner and I meant to say, 'Pass me the salt, please' but, I accidentally said, 'You've ruined my life you horrible, useless bitch."

A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. He asked the doctor, "Why are all the blinds closed?"

The surgeon responded, "They're fighting a raging fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

He said, "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. I'm with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure.....cross my heart"

Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed." (Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.)

The Catholic Church requires women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informed her that she could not enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a blouse." The woman replied, "But Father, I have a divine right !"

The priest says, "I can see that and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."

That's it for today, my little primroses. Remember, a true dilemma is when your fifteen-year-old daughter brings home a weird tattooed guy with a rainbow colored Mohawk hairdo, but your garden is already completely full of corpses. AREA 51 is still iffy but I'm getting better each day.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday - And Not A minute Too Soon !

It amuses me to no end that politicians, pundits and news reporters are puzzled by the political upsets throughout the nation. I think they just don't understand that voters are saying we are fed up with assholes and and now we are making changes we can believe in.

The Democrats are worried about losing Congress and their jobs, Republicans are worried about the tea party cutting into their base and the Tea Party is voting for anyone, intelligent or not, who replaces incumbents.

The most important message is that "politics as usual" is no longer acceptable and politicians had better start watching how they vote because America is taking names and kicking asses. What a refreshing idea!

The News As I See It: In Delaware, Christine O'Donnell won a huge upset in the primaries, but she has some problems. Karl Rove has accused her of lying. When the guy that told 300 million Americans there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq says you're lying, he knows what he's talking about.

I don't know a lot about Christine O'Donnell, but she has some interesting views. She has come out against masturbation....and you thought the war on drugs was unwinnable.

Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel easily won his primary. He hasn’t been this happy since he saved all that money by not paying taxes.

Nancy Pelosi’s Republican opponent, John Dennis, has an ad where he depicts Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of the West. Pelosi is very angry and the Wicked Witch is even angrier.

President Obozo spoke to students this week and told them to stay focused and stay in school....mainly, because there are no jobs out there.

Odds and Ends: Mexico celebrated its 200th birthday. They celebrated at their favorite spots...Arizona and Los Angeles. In October, a monument will be unveiled in South Carolina honoring the band Hootie and the Blowfish. No word yet as to why. IHOP, the International House of Pancakes, is suing a church that calls itself the "International House of Prayer." To avoid the lawsuit, the church group will change their name to "Kentucky Fried Christians."

This Date In History: 1787; The Constitution was completed and signed by a majority of the delegates attending the constitutional convention in Philadelphia. 1862; The bloodiest day in U.S. military history occurred at the Battle of Antietam when more than 23,000 were killed or wounded.

1908; Lt. Thomas Selfridge, a passenger in a plane piloted by Orville Wright, became the first airplane fatality when the aircraft crashed. 1920; The American Professional Football Association—a precursor of the NFL—was formed in Canton, Ohio. 1980; Anastasio Somoza Debayle, former president of Nicaragua, was assassinated in Paraguay.

1994; Heather Whitestone of Alabama became the first deaf Miss America. 2004; Barry Bonds became the third baseball player to hit 700 career home runs, joining Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth.

Picture Of The Day: Talk about people with too much time on their hands, this Sunday, September 19, is "International Talk Like a Pirate Day". Celebrations of this "Day" started in 1995 and declared that on this day everyone should talk like a true pirate. The parodic tradition caught on and turned into a yearly holiday, to the great joy of the pirate fans (with the exception of Pittsburgh) all over the world. Here's a particular photoshop picture that amused me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Fettuccini Alfredo is just macaroni and cheese for adults. 2) I went to the grocery store and bought four apples. The cashier said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "No, I'm a juggler." 3) Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. Pringles said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up and fry 'em!" 4) I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient and I bet I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's. 5) I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff......and that's five !

Birthdays: Christian Louis Lange, pacifist 1869, William Carlos Williams, poet and physician 1883, Warren Earl Burger, fifteenth Chief Justice of the United States 1907, Hank Williams, country singer 1923, Anne Bancroft, actress 1931, David H. Souter, Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court (1990—) 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of a John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right well, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and, in a classic striptease move, lets his suspenders fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap onto a pile of hay.

A voice says, "What the hell are you doing Mick?" Mick, obviously embarrassed, says, "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejesus out of me, but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Pat in the U.K. for her contribution to today's stories.

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. The father thought, "Holy shit! This kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived and he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead right in the middle of my lesson!"

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day. This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said, "I love it but I have to stop eating it." The little boy asked, "Why?" She pointed to her lap and said, "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" The little boy said, "Let me see." She said, "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "Wow, you are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too! " She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said, "Oh, my God, It's too late for you!! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"

A man from Louisiana walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The man is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took all damned day!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong and the Louisiana man asks, "What's that noise?"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

That's it for today my little piccolo players. Remember, when you're stressed out, close your eyes and visualize world peace for an hour. Imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. I'm going out to AREA 51 tonight. I hope the looting doesn't start until real late. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Some Things Just Make You Want To Barf !

Although the economy is in the toilet, evidently it's not hurting some California and Michigan residents. Welfare recipients are using their Electronic Benefit Transfer (EBT) cards to withdraw state funded payments from ATM machines in casinos. In California, over 1.8 million dollars were withdrawn from ATMs over an eight month period. And Californians can't seem to understand why the state is almost bankrupt......

The question is why would anyone receiving welfare payments be in a casino? It's unclear as to whether the casinos were complicit in the welfare dispensing ATMs but many casinos cash plenty of working-class folks paychecks, without charge, every week. They then offer the workers free drinks, T-shirts or other incentives to gamble. California Governor Ahnoold Shwarsenbagel released an executive order forbidding welfare recipients from using their EBT cards casino in ATMs. Right........

One of my favorite singers is James Taylor and his hit song, "You've Got A Friend" is probably one of his best. My newest video is my interpretation of that song and all of the three part harmony vocals are performed by myself. I particularly had a good time matching up compatible photographs to accompany the song. Here's my latest and I hope you enjoy it.

As always, remember to mute the sound on my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

The News As I See It: The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Arizona asked whether people who live in Arizona think illegal immigration is a serious problem. Forty percent of respondents answered, "Yes, it is a serious problem." Sixty percent of respondents answered, "No es una problema serio."

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

New York City is the city that never sleeps. You know why? Bed bugs.

This Date In History: 1859; Edwin Drake drilled the first successful U.S. oil well near Titusville, Pa. 1883; A massive volcanic eruption on the island of Krakatoa blew up most of the island and resulted in tsunamis that killed over 36,000 people. 1928; The Kellogg-Briand Pact, outlawing war, was signed.

1945; U.S. troops began landing in Japan after Japan's surrender in World War II. 1962; The U.S. launched the Mariner II space probe. 2003; Mars made its closest approach to earth in 60,000 years.

Picture Of The Day: It's been a tough week for the photoshop gang. I had to peruse the archives for fodder for today's post. Let's just refer to them as "oldie-goldies", shall we?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Who the hell is Sal Monella? He's probably a cast member of "Jersey Shore". 2) I know a doctor who gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. 3) Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. 4) I'm not here right now. I've gone to go look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait. 5) Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German poet, dramatist, novelist, and scientist 1749, Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton, religious leader 1774, Charles Boyer, actor 1899, Bruno Bettelheim, psychologist 1903, Roger Tory Peterson, ornithologist 1908, Robertson Davies, writer 1913, Jason Priestley, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" The young man replies, "No, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman, intrigued, says "A state-of-the-art watch? So, what's special about it?" The young man says, "Well, it uses ultrasonic waves to telepathically talk to me." The woman says, "Interesting. What's it telling you now?" The young man says, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The young man says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado and off they whirled to the land of Oz. They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard. The Wizard asked, "What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?" Barack Obama stepped forward timidly and said, "I've come for some courage." The wizard says, "No problem! Who's next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said, "Well, I think I need a heart." The Wizard replied, "Done! Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?" George Bush says, "The American people say that I need a brain." The wizard says, "No problem! Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, 'Well, what do you want?" Clinton says, "Is Dorothy here?"

Barack Obama was elected President and was spending his first night in the White House. The ghost of George Washington appeared, and Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." Obama, says, "Ouch! I already have."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." Obama says, "Oh! I really don't want to do that." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears. Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

Nancy Pelosi is out walking and she passes a young boy selling puppies. The boy asks, "Buy a puppy Ma'am?" Pelosi says, "No, we have a cat already you know." The boy says, "But they are Democrat puppies, Ma'am." Pelosi smiles, but again declines. The boy nods and Pelosi walks on. The next day, Pelosi is walking by the same spot. There again is the boy still trying to sell the puppies.

As Pelosi walks by she overhears the youth telling the potential customer, "But sir. these are Republican puppies." Pelosi stops and says "Young man, yesterday you told me those were Democrat puppies, and today you are saying they are Republican puppies" The boy replies, "Well Yes Ma'am." Pelosi then asks, "Well, if they were Democrat puppies yesterday, how could they be Republican puppies today?" The boy answers, "Well Ma'am, since then they opened their eyes."

That's it for today my little apple dumplings. Remember, a friend hears the song in your heart and sings it to you when your memory fails. Unless I forget, I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

After You've Gone.....

I'm having fun posting the songs that I sing on my Facebook and YouTube sites and most of these songs have been recorded and stored on my computer for some time. Having recently acquired a program that I use to make these songs into videos, I now have a vehicle other than CD's to post and store my music.

Those of you who have Facebook accounts can see all of my music videos on that site or you can see them on my YouTube site using this link http://www.youtube.com/user/JimSulliv3 The link is also on my sidebar.

I have recently released and posted two new songs on my sites, "Moonlight In Vermont" a classic and romantic ballad and "Sabor A Mi" a beautiful old song which I sing in Spanish.

The song that you will hear today has been recorded by many artists. This particular arrangement is an uptempo version recorded by Frank Sinatra and I hope you enjoy it. For those of you who don't know it, It's entitled "After You've Gone." For those of you who do know it, it's still entitled "After You've Gone."

As always, remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

The News As I See It: A new poll found that 1 in 5 Americans believe President Obozo is a Muslim. Remember during the campaign, when he was criticized for belonging to ("G..D.... America") Reverend Wright’s church? What happened to that? Obozo is staying at Martha’s Vineyard, which has an obstructed view of the Atlantic Ocean, and just happens to point towards Mecca.

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" was in court after being arrested for public drunkenness. How can you arrest someone for doing their job? She was also charged with public annoyance. If that’s a crime, everyone on that show should get the death penalty.

Odds and Ends: Roger Clemens was indicted by a grand jury for allegedly lying to Congress. You don’t lie to Congress unless you’re in Congress. Lindsay Lohan will supposedly get a million dollars for her first interview after prison. I need to start driving drunk into houses.

Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.

This Date In History: 1964; As part of his Great Society policies, Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Economic Opportunity Act which, among other things, established the Head Start program. 1968; The Soviet Union and other Warsaw Pact nations invaded Czechoslovakia. 1977; The space probe Voyager 2 was launched. It continues to explore to this day, and is now more than 7 billion miles from Earth.

1980; Italian Reinhold Messner made the first successful solo ascent of Mount Everest and without oxygen. 1998; U.S. cruise missiles hit suspected terrorist bases in Afghanistan and the Sudan. 2000; Tiger Woods won the PGA Championship becoming the first player since Ben Hogan in 1953 to win three majors in one year.

Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up ?

Picture Of The Day: On a sidenote, the old phrase "You don't know shit from Shinola" came to mind and I thought I'd have some fun with the thought. Those of you who are aware of the product and the phrase will understand this completely. For the younger readers, I've inserted graphics. For the hard of understanding, uh....never mind.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I once told a young guy that he didn't "know shit from Shinola" and he looked at me like Nipper, the RCA Victor dog looks at the phonograph. 2) The best way to lie is to tell the truth....carefully edited truth. 3) Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter". 4) No one seems to be listening until you fart. 5) One in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mother, my father, my brother Kirt or my sister, Hu Chou Ling, but I think it's Kirt......and that's five !

Birthdays: Oliver Hazard Perry, American naval officer 1785, Benjamin Harrison, 23rd U.S. President 1833, Eero Saarinen, architect 1910, George J. Mitchell, public official 1933, Connie Chung, TV news reporter 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." The Nun asked, "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" The Nun said, "What a wonderful answer!"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face and said, "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' and if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

I try to see the points of view of most politicians, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." Little Johnny replied, "Actually, the correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

Little Johnny comes down for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores. Little Johnny says, "Not yet." His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. Then goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

Little Johnny asks, "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

That's it for today my little sweet peas. Remember, nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who's free for the weekend. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. If I can't find a woman that's free, I hope she's reasonable. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Kitty, Kitty, Kitty !

I have always loved animals and over the years, I've had quite a few. Although I've mostly had cats and dogs, during the years when the children were small, we also had a variety other pets including parakeets, parrots, finches, hamsters, turtles and fish. That said, personally, at this time in my life, I would rather have a cat.

I adore dogs and as a boy and younger man, I have had several, all beloved and now in doggie heaven. Then again, in those days, I had a house with a nice back yard. When the dogs needed to attend to their business, my sole function was to get up from my recliner and open the sliding glass door.

Today, the kids are grown, I'm single and my cat and beloved friend is Possum S. Hemmingway. Most of you already know what the middle initial "S" stands for but for the unknowing, it stands for "Shithead," an endearing term I use to refer to him when he makes me up too early or makes me angry. In my defense for using such a name for Possum, I assure you that he calls me names as well. I don't speak Catonese very well, but I'm pretty sure that they're bad words.

In either case, Possum and I get along fine and I don't have to get up at 4 am to take him for a duty call. He, in turn, likes all of my lady friends, makes his appearance when necessary and disappears when necessary. He also doesn't hump legs (a habit that I've been trying to break as well).

One thing I've never understood is why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

All things considered, I'm content with my pal, Possum and he puts up with me, as well. Probably the most important thought is that I've never really trusted anyone who doesn't love animals, but, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what’s left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere.

It has been reported that $8.7 billion of our money has gone missing in Iraq. I didn’t even know they had a Goldman Sachs over there.

A man in Ohio was arrested for pushing his kids in a stroller while he was drunk. Police could tell the man was drunk because his kids are in their late 20s. A 113 year-old-woman who is the oldest person in Tokyo has gone missing. Did anybody check heaven?

This Date In History: 1735; Printer John Peter Zenger, defended by Andrew Hamilton, was acquitted of libel in a case that helped foster freedom of the press. 1884; Thomas Stevens became the first person to bicycle across the United States. He later bicycled around the world. 1892; Lizzie Borden's father and stepmother were killed with an axe in Fall River, Mass.

1914; Germany invaded Belgium and, in response, Britain declared war on Germany. 1916; Denmark ceded the Danish West Indies, including the Danish Virgin Islands, to the United States for $25 million. 1944; Anne Frank and her family were found hiding in Amsterdam by Nazis.

1964; The bodies of three civil-rights workers were found in an earthen dam, six weeks into a federal investigation backed by President Johnson 1977; President Carter signed a congressional act that established the Department of Energy.

Picture Of The Day: The theme for today was born by the morning weather as it was raining and my cat was whining that he needed food. When I finally got out of bed and went into the kitchen, he had food in his dish. He sat patiently beside his dish and looked up to see if I was adding new food to the bowl. You see, Mr. Hemmingway requires old food to be "refreshed" with a dash of new food in order to eat.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Veni, vidi, vici: I came, I saw, I conquered. Volvo, video, velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around. 2) Never play leapfrog with a rhinoceros. 3) I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. 4) By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. 5) To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential......and that's five !

Birthdays: Percy Bysshe Shelley, poet 1792, Russell Sage, financier 1815, Louis Armstrong, American jazz trumpet virtuoso, singer, and bandleader 1901, Raoul Wallenberg, diplomat 1912, Robert Hayden poet 1913, Helen Thomas correspondent 1920, Billy Bob Thornton actor, screenwriter 1955, Roger Clemens baseball player 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

An old man was walking in the street when a voice said, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked, "Where are you? Who are you?" The voice said, "I am your guardian angel." The old man said, "Oh yeah? And where the hell were you when I got married?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

She continued, "He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

The Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. The first little piggy said, "I would like a Sprite." The second little piggy said, "I would like a coke." The third little piggy said, "I'll have a beer."

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. The first little piggy said, "I'll have a nice big steak." The second little piggy said, "I would like the salad plate." The third little piggy said, "I want a beer...no, make that two beers." The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

The first little piggy said, "I want a banana split." The second little piggy said, "I'll have a piece of cheesecake." The third little piggy said, "Give me another beer." The waiter said to the third little piggy, "Pardon me for asking, but why have you only ordered beer all evening?" The third little piggy said, "Hey, somebody has to go, 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" The young man said, "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks."

The Pastor asked, "What happened?" The young man said, "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."The pastor said, "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church." The young man said, "That's okay, we're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

On Friday: My new video "Save The Last Dance For Me".

That's it for today my little mud puddles. Remember, people who choose the path less traveled by are ofttimes merely lost. Personally, I'm taking the high road straight to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !