Anxiety.

I know anxiety.
My brain can rattle off the symptoms and DSM IV Classification requirements within seconds.
I can treat anxiety.
I can create a list and action plan using various cognitive behavioral and relaxation techniques learned through experience and textbooks.
I understand anxiety.

But, I can't make it go away for me.

The panic attacks are back. I am assuming they were granted re-entry when Deak and Ab got sick this past month. I breathe slowly, think positive thoughts, and try to regain strength...but, at three in the morning...it is a slow process.

Call it coping, or fumbling through denial...I have been surprised with a phrase that I have repeated more than once this past week.

"He could die."

....In reference to Deak, and the impending (because we know it is not "if" but "when") H1N1 virus.
It was strangely cathartic for me to say those words out loud.
I don't know why. I've understood the implications of having a child with "special health needs" and have sat in rooms with professionals who have told me Deakon would die; but, I have never said it.
I said it yesterday in the faculty room with a large group of staff members, and it got quiet really fast. No one knows what to say to that.

It's hard to relate that kind of paranoia to others. Friends and family understand and empathize...all of which are deeply appreciated. But, to convey the depth of fear that I feel when Deak begins to spike a fever is something that I wouldn't wish on my list of enemies (not that I have many...hopefully). I function on "Just Do it" mode and rely on my husband to ration with my complete irrational demands and fears.

I am making the choice to vaccinate Deak for H1N1 today. Something I so vehemently swore about in an earlier post. I just couldn't live anymore with a reality that I did not do something to prevent an illness that my son, in all reality, could die from. That coupled with the stark reality that my Pediatrician called and considered Deak one of his 12 most high risk patients in his practice.
That's just not a list you want your kid on.

I am just sick about it, and am praying for the first time in weeks, just to please keep him safe. I truly know those prayers are not deserved by me, but am hopeful that my son will receive their effects. And...oddly enough, I am extremely grateful for my ability to understand, professionally, the depth of the anxiety I feel. It is comforting to know my irrational thoughts have a scientific and emotional basis and I am not completely crazy.

There was a conversation today in our faculty room about a different mother who has a child with severe special needs. During the midst of this conversation, a reference was made to the child's mother's choice to work a few days a week.
The reaction was killer.
"What? How could she?"
"I knew someone who had a special needs child, and she quit everything and focused on him for 12 years."
"I don't know why she'd do that."
I spoke up.
I had to.
My response was, "How could she not? This woman needs some peace, and a break, and some time to be away."
They were judgemental, but not purposefully cruel. Just ignorant to the pressure and anxiety I am sure this blessed mother deals with 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Most were quiet after that.
Ah...but, ignorance is an entirely different post...saved for another day.