I Planned For The Wedding... But Not The Marriage

In Four months I will be celebrating my 23rd wedding anniversary.... This anniversary will say that I have been married to the same guy for half my life... It's hard to believe that I've been married this long... It's harder to believe that I am not a statistic of divorce.... Especially since I have filed for divorce two times....

You see, I married my husband not because I loved him.... I married him because I was afraid... Not of him.. He is a good man.. I was afraid that I couldn't make it on my own... I did not believe in myself and I knew that D (the husband) loved me... I knew that D would always be successful - he is and has always been so blasted smart... And - another reason I said yes to the ring - Was I wanted a wedding.. Every girl dreams of her wedding... I think I spent more time thinking about the wedding day and not so much on what I wanted from the marriage... D and I never discussed what we wanted in a marriage... and to be honest I never thought about it... but I thought a lot about the wedding.. the color theme... the dress.. the bridesmaids.. the honeymoon...

I remember on our honeymoon - we were walking to a cab and he took my hand in his and at that moment I knew I had made a big mistake... And poor D - I spent almost half my life making him pay for it... One of the main reasons I started blogging a couple of years ago was to hold myself accountable... I had decided to try to love my husband - After 20 years of marriage I thought it was about time... So I started The 40 day Love Dare - I was more surprised than anyone when I found myself falling in love with D for the first time. The book helped me to understand what love is... and when I practice love - I feel it.. I want to show it... share it...

Loving someone can be much like working out at the gym... It can be brutal - often times so tiring you can barely walk that sounded kind of wrong - ha but the end result is that you are healthier.. You have more energy... Your outlook is brighter and your mind is more clear... but once you stop the routine of working out.. the routine of loving your spouse it gets so difficult to start up again and you keep putting it off and putting it off and before you know it you have gained all your weight back.. And you have lost that loving feeling and you could sometimes careless if you ever get it back....

I believe love is more of an action than a feeling... Love is kind.. Love is never rude... Love is accountable... Love wants to understand... Love wants to heal.. Love is a choice...



So where am I today???? I want to love D... and lately it's been really hard... I know I've been extremely unlovable myself... D and I are two very stubborn people and we are not ones to give up without a fight because if we did give up easily - one of those two divorce petitions would have stuck... Love is worth fighting for.. And after almost 23 years of marriage - I'm still not done fighting...

My Top 10 Marriage Saving Ideas....

My pastor once told me ... okay maybe more than once - that no on wants a divorce... We don't go into a marriage planning or hoping for a divorce... We want the happily ever after... I know I did.... I do not claim to be an expert on marriage... I'm really the polar opposite of an expert.. But I am a student - still trying after 22 years of marriage to make it right... One fact - I have learned is this... I can change me.... but no matter how hard I try - I can NEVER change Him.... But I can say is this - When I act with kindness - understanding - and love... I have seen a mirror reflection back from him...

TOP 10 MARRIAGE SAVERS

10. Get rid of parasites (stay away from) - Parasites is anything that takes you away from loving your spouse - addictions, pornography, drugs, unhealthy "friends and/or family that hurt your relationship...

9. Hold your tongue - if you want to say something sarcastic,rude, or something that is not constructive - DON'T - There is a lot of anger on both sides - angry words do not show you care - It shows that you are selfish...

8. Give up an activity that would normally take you away from your spouse for the sole purpose of spending time with him... ie: skip a girls night out... a work out...

7. Lose a disagreement - let him have his way... Let him know that you are putting him first.. He is more important than what you want.. You want him... (whether you feel this way or not - act like you do - your heart and mind will follow)

6. Find a therapist a commit to go for minimum of two months (every week). - preferably one that is pro marriage...

5. Write a letter to him - tell him when you knew you were in love with him... Your letter is a love story - Not about what is happening now... Bring yourself back to the place where you had butterflies in your belly.. and You wanted to spend you entire life with him... Talk about your wedding day - your hopes... your dreams.. for both of you...

4. Refrain from fighting... But if you have to "fight" - fight fair... Don't bring up the past.. You are in the here and now -

3. Sit together and watch the movie Fireproof - Get past the so-so acting.. I guarantee you that you will see yourself and your spouse in both characters...

2. Buy the book The Love Dare and do it for 40 days... Whether you feel like it or not - do it for 40 days...

1. Tell yourself everyday - I will love my husband today - whether I feel like it or not... I will show him I love him by random acts of kindness - give him my eyes when he talks.....

You need to fight for your marriage.. Too many people give up without trying and that's such a shame...

* many of the ideas are based on what I learned from The Love Dare...

Jon And Kate Plus Eight Heads To Divorce

I have never watched Jon and Kate plus 8. Never was interested - sounded kind of dumb in my opinion... Lately, the news and tabloids have been over the top on the coverage of this family. The tabloids have been reporting affairs, abuse, and other awful things about this marriage. Today, the media has said that divorce papers have been filed.. when Jon (the husband) was asked about the divorce... it appeared to the media reporters that it was just another day in the life of Jon and Kate plus 8..... Do people realize the plus 8 are the children they have together??? Do they care?

This is really sad to me... When parents get so involved with themselves and their greed and celebrity that they have forgotten they are responsible to eight beautiful children that they helped to create... When Jon was asked a question about his marriage his reply today was watch the show...seriously? Is this divorce in the making for TV ratings? The couple already make an estimated $50,000 - $75,000 an episode....why? Did they find a cure for a horrible disease? Do they have something worth while to teach us? No - they have eight kids and they don't mind over exposing them.... They don't care....and unfortunately - society is interested in this narcissistic couple...

I feel sorry for these children... I pray that the parents wake up -get off the boob tube and take care of their family... Stop thinking about their greedy wants and needs and start being parents... start being a family.. start being accountable to the family they created.... What has happened to family values in today's society? This show is just so very sad to me....

The Love Dare Day #1

I am starting "The Love Dare" today. This is a book that was used in the movie "Fireproof". If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend that you do. It focuses on learning how to love your spouse the way God intended us too. You will see video clips from the movie at the bottom of my blog during my "Love Dare".
I'm not doing this dare because I am on the verge of divorce. I am doing this dare to better understand Dusty (my husband) and to practice the concept of unconditional love. I've been married for 20 years and we have never been consistently happy or consistently in love. I have recently learned that love is a decision you make. Not so much the emotion you feel. Better put, the "love" feeling you get in the beginning of a relationship only lasts maybe two years. But if you make the decision to love then it can and will last a life time.
The "The Love Dare" is for FORTY days. In the bible many of the major events lasted FORTY days. Moses was in the Mount to receive the Ten Commandments for 40 days. Jesus was tempted by Satan for 40 days, and after Jesus resurrected He spent 40 days telling His disciples about the Kingdom of God. There are many more "FORTY DAY" stories but I'm sure you get the point.
So today, my dare is: Today resolve to demonstrate patience and to say NOTHING negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.
That's it. Tomorrow I will let you know how it went. Hmmm, I pretty sure sarcasm would be construed as negative.... I have my work cut out for me..