I secretly think there is a small masochistic part of everyone. A tiny desire to make our physical lives match the twisting turmoil that lies within. Or maybe we're all just born wide eyed and innocent, until the soul-crushing realities of life crash down upon us like the Red Sea.
Anyway, I went to IKEA.
Here are some tips from my experience.
Step 1: Reserve 45 minutes of your day to "bang this one out." It's incredibly important that you believe this is enough time. Ignore anyone who says otherwise. You've seen enough episodes of Fixer-Upper with Chip and Joanna to know what you're doing.
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| Look at that naive idiot. |
Step 2: The key is to start with a clean working space.
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| Nailed it. |
Step 3: Unload all three boxes. This will take approximately all of the 45 minutes you had allotted for the entire project.
Step 4: Take a rest. You don't want to over-exert yourself.
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| Yes, this does count as exercise. |
Step 5: At this point you will realize you are probably in over your head.
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| You are definitely in over your head. |
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| The suffering. |
Step 7: Open your IKEA instruction manual and follow the first 4 steps. Make sure you do so incorrectly. Swear loudly.
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| This is definitely backwards. |
Step 8: Disassemble the first 4 steps.
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| Why does adulthood have so much carpal tunnel in it? |
Step 9: Re-try following the first 4 steps.
Step 10: You did it! Revel in your sense of accomplishment.
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| Likely you will feel emotionally unhinged at this point. |
Step 11: Except no. Realize you still did not do it correctly. Swear even more loudly.
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| How can you do something backwards TWICE?!? How many backsides does this thing even have?! |
Step 12: Re-re-try following the first 4 steps. You'll complete it successfully this time, but life will never be as sweet. As beautiful. As innocent.
Step 13: Complete step five.
Step 14: You did it wrong.
Step 15: Cry. You're a failure. You have nothing to offer anyone.
Step 16: BTW, you actually didn't do the first four steps right.
Step 17: Give up and go out of town.
Step 18: Have your mother hire a handy-man while you are away. By the way, for all of these steps you live with your mother, ensuring that your IKEA failures are definitely not the most depressing thing happening in your life right now and may not even be in the top 5.
Step 19: Live vicariously through someone else's job well done.
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| Success |
It's the American way.
~It Just Gets Stranger
Amen. And Hallelujah. Thank you, Skylar! (Maybe Pedialyte would have come in handy to help you face up to the momentous task that is IKEA furniture assemblage?)
ReplyDeleteAlso, may I suggest that you need a Matt Broome in your life? He sounds like the kind that can assemble IKEA furniture with his eyes closed, one hand tied behind his back, while using the instruction manual to build a fire and roast marshmallows so you can all eat s'mores while you admire the quickly, correctly completed furniture.
(Eli, A+. Guest posts are a great idea.)
Michelle, AS IF I WOULD OWN ANYTHING IKEA! It's all consignment and vintage for me (and maybe a little West Elm when I can afford it... shhhhh). But yes I would totally have done that exactly as you described.
ReplyDeleteOk, Matt, so in sum, "trashy people buy Ikea furniture." Mother and I are not amused.
DeleteThat was the impression I received as well . . . .and now I'm deeply offended. Half my house is IKEA furniture (granted - I didn't assemble it naked as you seemed to have done - or maybe you just rested naked and then redressed after step 4).
DeleteIm with Nicole and Skylar. Haha. Actually Matt's comment made me laugh because half of my house is IKEA as well. Also I'm remembering Eli's story from when Matt helped him but an IKEA couch and then put it together for him and Eli wrote that sweet thank you post. Now I'm wondering if Matt was making fun of IKEA in front of Eli then too.
DeleteI am suddenly absurdly happy that I do not own any IKEA furnishings, and am happy that I have been too busy to pick out a day to make the three hour trip to the nearest IKEA and thusly furnish my home. Also, I feel like I will be banned from this page, but, I hate their kitchens. There. I said it.
DeleteTo Nicole K's comment above, Skylar checked in with me several times while engaged in this mess and each time he was slightly more naked than the last. I think he was playing the IKEA stripping game. Complete a step, remove an item of clothing. The problem was there were 300 steps and he started only wearing two items of clothing (I'll let you figure out which two).
DeleteWell he seemed to be redressed by step 10 so maybe he undressed and redressed and undressed again? I don't know - I'm more confused than I am assembling the furniture . . . .
DeleteThis post was hysterical, but this comment thread with Michelle to Matt on down sealed the deal. but also, nothing in my house is vintage OR from ikea. Wait, actually, a lot of my furniture is inherited from grandparents and even great grandparents. DOES THAT count as vintage if if you didn't have to buy it?!?! Suddenly my house seems fancier to me.
DeleteI follow Broome Bungalow on the Insta. Matt and Eli are both fancy when it comes to furniture and decoration. I'm more like Skylar. Which I guess makes me trashy. Now I join Skylar and Mother in not being amused.
DeleteFor the record, I never said IKEA = Trash. I have owned several IKEA pieces that I loved. Putting them together: NOT LOVED. Unfortunately they broke so easily, so just decided to spend less money on older more unique items. They take better beatings and are solid. Just my personal preference. SO GET OVER IT!
DeleteThere's a giant IKEA behemoth store, which I'm pretty sure requires a Sherpa to navigate, about 15 minutes from my house.
DeleteI have NEVER visited this store, and I never will.
No, I am not a furniture snob (as apparently the Broomesssss' are), I'm just not a sadistic fool.
That's what experience teaches you, kids. Know your limitations. Hire someone else to shop for, and then assemble, your IKEA furniture. Then, spray yourself with a hose, dishevel your clothes and hair, take a selfie with you smiling like an idiot the completed piece in the background, post to the book of the faces, and loudly proclaim your victory.
Boom.
Dear Nicole and Eli,
DeleteWhen I get sweaty and frustrated, I take my clothes off. It is also the main reason why I never have been successful playing team sports.
Sincerely,
"Trashy" Skylar
IKEA needs a sherpa to navigate! Hahaha yes!!
DeleteHold strong awesomesauciness! I have been forced into Ikea only a few times by so-called friends of mine and I barely lived to tell the tale except I still don't speak of it. I do vaguely remember a cinnamon roll a friend bought for me to stop me from hyperventilating, but even THAT is not enough to convince me to shop in that place. It is pretty much my version of hell.
DeleteTrashy people don't just buy Ikea furniture. They buy it, use it long enough to want to light it on fire, and then resell it on craigslist. Obviously.
DeleteThis made me giggle on a really crummy day! Thank you!! Love the guest post.
ReplyDeleteLOVE.
ReplyDeleteI just watched this yesterday... "Drunk People Try to Assemble IKEA Furniture". Enjoy their pain.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uUcsp0V4EQ
The re-retry is the worst. I think you have to treat it like the night before finals- give up on life, put on a good show, and eat food you'll regret eating later.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why people have such a hard time with Ikea furniture. For me, it's like grownup Legos. I love building it! It's fun, I don't usually mess it up, and I have furniture at the end of the process.
ReplyDeleteBut do you have extra pieces????
DeleteAlso donyou have actual tools or are you attempting to build a dresser with an allen wrench the size of your pinky like the rest of us??
DeleteI usually use the allen wrench included with the stuff. Are those usually the problem?
Delete....my friend is bringing some Ikea bookshelves for me next week...I'm suddenly feeling an overpowering sense of foreshadowing. This post couldn't have come at a better time.
ReplyDeleteAnd this is why I prefer to collect my furniture already assembled. I mean, why did someone throw away this perfectly fine bookshelf, anyway?
ReplyDeleteSo Skylar is cute . . .
ReplyDeleteMatt Pants rocks, and clearly he is only purchasing items that equal the magnificence, of Mr Ollie Pants desires ,in his household. Matt is not the bad guy, he just has to keep the main person (errr pup, errr master) in the house happy and not desecrating on any furniture that is, by Ollie's standards, not hip.
ReplyDeleteAnyone else bugged that the list is 19 steps and not an even 20?
ReplyDeleteI love IKEA, but i buy and my husband assembles. maybe you should get a husband, Skylar? lol. but then again there are several things he has refused to put on walls for a year +.
ReplyDeleteI feel like Skylar is the human embodiment of the Pants's's's... Thoughts? Like, can someone make a side by side pic?
ReplyDeleteSkylar, sweetie, if you want to go to Med school you should probably spell carpal tunnel syndrome correctly. Just sayin'...
ReplyDeleteI'ma take credit for this one. He did spell it correctly and then I retyped it here incorrectly, because if I don't have at least one misspelled word in a Stranger post, WELL THEN I GUESS THIS ISN'T EVEN AMERICA ANYMORE.
DeleteWhew I'm relieved that a future doctor can spell carpal. Finding the misspelled word in a Stranger post is like those hidden image pages in Highlights magazine...but for people of adult age, but less than grown up minds.
DeleteThat's right, The Suzzzzzzzzzz. I do it on purpose. For you.
DeleteWay to fall on your sword E-Lie.
Delete=>Raises hand hesitantly<= I have five kids, so I find assembling Ikea furniture relaxing. No one is allowed to need me if they want their bunk beds not to fall apart while they're sleeping. Also, I use power tools for the assembly, because if I do something backwards, it's much less soul-crushing to disassemble than if I spent an hour screwing it together by hand. ;)
ReplyDeleteI don't know what this says about me, but I actually kind of like assembling Ikea furniture. I think they get a rather bad rap for being complicated to put together, but ...no offense...they're not!
ReplyDeleteif you had a cat, it would be easier. Just sayin'
ReplyDelete