Things Cathie Said in the Car
"Eli, that picture of you is cute. If you post it on your blog all of the girls will love it! Oh, and the boys. AND THAT'S OK."
"Does anyone want a snack?" [Cathie pulls a whole unpeeled lemon out of her purse and holds it up.] "I have more of these."
"Eli, don't take this the wrong way, but you smell like urine. Actually, I don't care how you take it. Because you smell like urine."
"I wonder if we're going to run into snow on our drive. We should send a bird ahead to bring back a leaf or a snowball. Isn't that what Noah did?" [Cathie giggles at her own joke.]
"What is the deal with that Kim Kardashian? She's naked everywhere. It's very disappointing. I wonder if she would keep doing that if she was fatter."
"And what kind of name is Knorth West? That's not a name. It's a misspelled direction. It's something an uneducated harlot would have tattooed onto her rear-end."
"Whatever happened to that Ja Rule? I guess he had his 15 minutes of fame and then forgot to take his clothes off so he was done."
"I heard that Jay Z has a love child and you KNOW that poor Beyonce is not going to be happy about that."
"I saw a man at Disneyland who had his pants hanging down at his crotch and his rump was sticking out. He had to squat while he walked so they wouldn't fall down all the way. It was not a good look for him."
Cathie: This rest stop reminds me of the place that hooker tried to get into our car once when your father and I were driving to Vegas.
Eli: And how do YOU know what a hooker is?
Cathie: Well I found out when she tried to get into the car.
"Eli, don't take this the wrong way, but you smell like urine. Actually, I don't care how you take it. Because you smell like urine."
"I wonder if we're going to run into snow on our drive. We should send a bird ahead to bring back a leaf or a snowball. Isn't that what Noah did?" [Cathie giggles at her own joke.]
"What is the deal with that Kim Kardashian? She's naked everywhere. It's very disappointing. I wonder if she would keep doing that if she was fatter."
"And what kind of name is Knorth West? That's not a name. It's a misspelled direction. It's something an uneducated harlot would have tattooed onto her rear-end."
"Whatever happened to that Ja Rule? I guess he had his 15 minutes of fame and then forgot to take his clothes off so he was done."
"I heard that Jay Z has a love child and you KNOW that poor Beyonce is not going to be happy about that."
"I saw a man at Disneyland who had his pants hanging down at his crotch and his rump was sticking out. He had to squat while he walked so they wouldn't fall down all the way. It was not a good look for him."
*****
Cathie: This rest stop reminds me of the place that hooker tried to get into our car once when your father and I were driving to Vegas.
Eli: And how do YOU know what a hooker is?
Cathie: Well I found out when she tried to get into the car.
*****
[A variation of the following conversation happens every time I see Cathie]
Cathie: Son, do you want some pretzels?
Eli: No thanks, mom.
Cathie: A banana?
Eli: No. Nothing.
Cathie: A bagel?
Eli: No.
Cathie: A piece of gum?
Eli: No. Nothing.
Cathie: A bagel?
Eli: No.
Cathie: A piece of gum?
Eli: I don't want anything, mom.
Cathie: Carrots?
Eli: No, mom. I seriously don't want any snack at all. Thank you.
Cathie: Crackers?
Eli: NOTHING. Mom. I really don't want anything.
Cathie: Chips?
Eli: NO!
Cathie: An apple?
Eli: OHMYGOSH NO!!!!
Cathie: Almonds?
Eli: I'M GOING TO SAY NO TO EVERYTHING YOU OFFER!
Cathie: A sandwich?
Eli: I'M GOING TO SAY NO TO EVERYTHING YOU OFFER!
Cathie: A sandwich?
Eli: AHHH!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cathie: Fruit snacks?
Eli: . . . um . . . actually, I would like some fruit snacks.
Cathie: Sorry. I don't have any.
~It Just Gets Stranger
If your mom offers you fruit snacks, she should bring enough for the class. And by class I mean me. (I'm only 40 minutes away from Disneyland!)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad Cathy is okay with the boys loving your picture because you really are totes adorbs and we all want your perfect hair...and abs.
ReplyDeleteNot that we know what abs are Cathy!!!
DeleteThanks, I needed this laugh this morning.
ReplyDeleteCathie is my hero. Is there an official fan club yet? I would start one if it hasn't been done already.
ReplyDeleteNote to self: start carrying lemons in my purse. Keep 'em wondering, Cathie.
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ReplyDeleteThis is all a horrendous exaggeration - I don't believe for a minute that Cathie knows what a hooker is!
ReplyDeleteOr that she wouldn't have fruit snacks. I mean, HELLO...it's CATHIE!!!
Deletecouldn't resist.....The fruit snacks were in the trunk. Bob wouldn't stop the car so I could get them. XO
DeleteThat's like when my mother reads out every item on the menu.
ReplyDeleteHer: Oh look, they have burgers.
Me: Yeah, I can see that.
Her: Would you like a salad? They have salad.
Me: I can read, mom.
Her: Do you see they have mashed potatoes? You love mashed potatoes.
Me: I'm not-oo, really? I do love mashed potatoes.
EXACTLY. It's so annoying when their persistence turns out to be helpful (and it always does). You feel a conflicting desire to accept the offer and to decline it for fear that you are going to teach them that what they are doing is ok.
DeleteCompletely. My parents are also Bob and Cathy and I always refuse even through the tempting 20th item to maintain my stance. However I can save you time... it does not work. 10 adult years later she is still ignoring every "I don't want anything." The only way to get her to stop is to accept the first item... and even then you'll probably still get offered 4 more.
DeleteOMG. I laughed so hard. Now I know why I catch my daughter and son-in-law rolling their eyes when we travel with them!
ReplyDeleteOkay Eli, we can get married. I want Cathie to be my mother-in-law. (And because your hair) (And, uh, your great personality...) (But mostly Cathie)
ReplyDeleteTotally LOL at Knorth West-misspelled direction. LOL!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteEli, why did you smell like urine?
ReplyDeleteThis is a relevant question. Why did you? Was this after the Tower of Terror?
DeleteOh...very good question. I don't know how I missed that.
DeleteCathie is the best. Besides MY mom, obvi.
ReplyDeleteGlad your mom has accepted and supports your lifestyle-- truly a blessing! Maybe she can guest post sometime.
ReplyDeleteMy cats name is Mittens!
DeleteI.. uh. What? To both haha. Both commenst feel unrelated
Delete