Who Will Die First

Eli: Who do you think will die first?

Nic: Rebecca.

Eli: Uh . . . what?

Nic: I think Rebecca will die first.

Eli: I meant between you and me.

Nic: Oh. I thought you were asking who would die first out of everyone in the world.

Eli: And you picked Rebecca? Out of everyone in the whole world?

Nic: Yeah. I mean, it's possible that other people will die before her. But I could see her going pretty quickly after that.

Eli: Why?

Nic: Don't get me wrong. I think Rebecca is a remarkable person. But I also think she just seems like the kind of person who is going to get hit by a helicopter any second.

Eli: Ok. We've gotten off track. Obviously I was asking you who would die first between you and me.

Nic: There are like twelve people in this room right now and billions of people in the world. Why is it obvious that you were wondering who would die first out of you and me? And what kind of a question is this anyway?

Eli: I waste a lot of time responding to my friends' inquiries about why I say the things I do. Don't you people just know me by now? Can't you just accept me?

Nic: [Sigh] Fine. What was the question again?

Eli: Who do you think will die first?

Nic: Obviously you.

Eli: Excuse me?

Nic: If we made a list of all the risk factors, you would measure much higher on every risk factor than me.

Eli: Name ONE example.

Nic: Oh, I don't know. How about sleeping on strangers' couches in foreign countries. Or walking into sketchy bathhouses after being warned. Or the amount of cheesecake you consume. Or the way you drive. Or--

Eli: Ok. I said "one," thank you.

Nic: I just don't see you living very long. Probably not much longer than Rebecca.

Eli: I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE A VERY STRONG HEART.

Nic: Yeah. And it won't do you much good sitting in someone's freezer.

Eli: Touche.

Nic: Plus there's the Miley Cyrus factor.

Eli: What's the Miley Cyrus factor?

Nic: I don't think people who break out into Miley Cyrus singing as often as you tend to live very long.

Eli: You know you like it when I--

Nic: Don't do it.

Eli: PUT MY HANDS UP, THEY'RE PLAYING MY SONG AND THE BUTTERFLIES FLY AWAY!

Nic: There it is.

~It Just Gets Stranger