Note: "take a quick shot of crystal meth" is a euphemism for "shove candy and Diet Coke down my gullet," which is a euphemism for "destroy my body," which is a euphemism for "I can't believe I signed up for another Ironman," which is a euphemism for "I wonder if they let you use the Witness Protection Program for these types of situations," which is a euphemism for "does anyone know what a euphemism is anymore?"
Yesterday, in my my zombie-like state, I received the following Snapchat from my friend Hannah:
I'm sure it's because I haven't slept since before the war. But I laughed so hard at this that I actually had to shut my office door.
Tears. Tears, people.
Ok. Please tell me your worst pun joke in the comments. I'm apparently in the mood to laugh very hard at it.
~It Just Gets Stranger
A guy walks into a bar. He's doing much better now that the bruises have healed.
ReplyDeleteCoffee is a dangerous drink. So is tea. Once, an Indian Chief drank seven gallons of iced tea in a single sitting. That night, he drowned in his tepee.
ReplyDeleteLOL OH MY LOL OH MY OH MY SNORT SNORT my MIL is gonna LOVE that
DeleteNew favorite joke!
Deletewhat did one ocean say to the other ocean?.......nothing they just waved......do you sea what I did there?.........I am shore you do
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Deletehttps://scontent-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1609583_10201938854127571_591491098_n.jpg
ReplyDeletea neutron walks into a bar, has a quick drink then asks for his tab…bartender says "for you? No charge".
ReplyDeletehow much does the average hipster weigh? an instagram.
http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/harry-james-potter/images/30366487/title/hairy-potter-fanart
ReplyDeleteYears ago my daughter got a bunch of finger puppets for Christmas. Wolf, Princess, King, Fairy, etc. As she was putting on a show for the family, I asked her what the Prince's name was. She tried to come up with one, but my dad broke in and said "Finger Prince" I laughed so hard I cried.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you've seen this from the Animainiacs, but it's a slightly dirty take on the Finger Prince joke.
Deletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xmAC9Qu908
Have you seen the new Indian movie? Its in tents.
ReplyDeleteDid you hear about the two tv antennae who got married? The wedding was so-so, but the reception was awesome...
ReplyDeleteNot really a joke, but a strange story/invitation: A friend of mine is engaged, but before the wedding the groom is converting to judaism. The bride is requiring him to get circumcised before they get married, therefore, they are having a bris. A bris for a 27 year old man seems a little strange, and although I think this is going to be horrifying, I kind of want to go.
ReplyDeleteThat is one dedicated man... hopefully they don't end up like Charlotte and whats-his-name on sex & The City! (they broke up after he got circumcised)
DeleteI'm sure you've all heard this one because it's in the promos for "How I Met Your Mother," but...What do you call a fish with no eyes...fsh (you have to hear the sound)
ReplyDeleteWhat did Ernie say to Bert when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream...Sure Bert (sherbert) Someone told me that one in the middle of the 3 Day which means that you're all hoped up on endorphins and lack of good sleep, so everyone's a bit punchy and most everything is hilarious.
Where does George Washington keep his armies? In his sleevies!
ReplyDeleteI tried to post this one earlier and my phone wouldn't let me. I'm glad someone else thinks it's as funny as I do!
DeleteMaybe it's just an Amanda thing... :)
DeleteWhy did the cowboy adopt a daschund? Because he wanted to get a long, little doggie!
ReplyDeleteWhat kind of underwear do mummies wear? Fruit of the tomb!
[two of my very favorite Dad-jokes.]
And this isn't a pun, but, elephant jokes are nearly as hilarious as puns when you're delirious:
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?! ...Well then I guess it works!
Why do ducks have flat feet? To put out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out flaming ducks.
Rach, these are for you. They were my 8yo son's favorite jokes for quite a while.
DeleteDo do you not go into the jungle at 4 in the afternoon? That's when the elephants jump out of the trees.
Why do elephants have flat feet? From jumping out of all those trees.
Why are there no elephants on the police force? Because they have flat feet.
What is that brown mush between elephants' toes? Slow moving tourists who were in the jungle at the wrong time.
A good steak pun is a rare medium well done.
ReplyDeleteHow many ears does Spock have? 3: a left ear, a right ear and a final "front-ear"
How do you organize a space party?
ReplyDeleteYou planet.
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln! He's in-a-cent
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he NeverLands!
I like this joke.. It never grows old.
Not a pun but a great story/joke.
ReplyDeleteMy three year old nephew got really into knock knock jokes and was constantly looking for a new listener to share his latest joke with. One afternoon the Stake President and his Wife were over discussing something with my sister when my nephew went up and asked if they wanted to hear a knock knock joke. The kid is adorable so of course all conversation stopped so we could all listen.
Nephew:"KNOCK KNOCK"
Stake President:" Who's there?"
Nephew: "ORANGE!"
Stake President:"Orange who?"
Nephew: "Orange my damn foot is stuck in the door!"
Poor kid was just a little excited and mashed up a few jokes. Thanks to his uncles for teaching him the MADAM joke!
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes
ReplyDeleteBaby seal walks into a club... what a tragedy
ReplyDeleteMy favorites:
ReplyDeleteHow do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch? Paint his toenails red.
have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?
DeleteSee how well it works?
An euphemism is a Hashtag according to you. Yep I said it.
ReplyDeleteConfucius and his scholars used to meet every month to discuss philosophical issues. A scribe kept notes on their conversation, but as the night came, he struggled to write by the light of the one candle in the room. Confucius said, "We must make a better light." So he assigned one scholar the task of building an efficient and effective lamp. The months went by, and the scholar just couldn't quite come up with a good design. Finally, Confucius asked him to bring his prototypes to their meeting for everyone to look at. Together they came up with several improvements, but it was difficult to assemble. Soon all the scholars were clustered close and dozens of hands held the lamp parts together while the main engineer secured them. When the last piece was secure, they breathed a sigh of relief and stepped back. The lamp was lit, and the whole room glowed with its light. Confucius smiled, and gently said, "Ah yes - many hands make light work."
ReplyDeleteYup, I made that one up many years ago. :p
Once a homeless woman was walking along a beach. She found a donut. She picked it up and walked for a while. Then she dropped it. She picked it back up and continued to walk again. Then she dropped. She picked it up another time and then proceeded to drop it again. She said, "If I drop this donut one more time, then I am going to throw it into the ocean." She starts walking again and just happens to drop the donut. So, of course, she throws it in the ocean.
ReplyDeleteGreat joke, right! My friend told it to me a while back and I was rolling on the floor laughing.
Here's another great joke:
Once there was a young couple. They were very much in love. The guy chose to propose on a beach. His girlfriend said yes, of course. They swam and played in the waves for a few hours. Soon, it began to get dark. They were heading back to their car when the girl noticed that her new ring was missing. They searched until the sun went down, but could not find it. The girl was devastated. To make her feel better, the guy offered to take her to her favorite restaurant. She agreed and they headed over to the restaurant. Once there, she decided to order some fish for dinner. They cut open the fish to eat it, and guess what they found...
The donut!
I don't see what's funny here.....
Deletelaffin out loud for real
DeleteQ: What do you get when you cross an electric eel and a goat together?
ReplyDeleteA: An electric can opener.
There are three elephants that jump off a cliff. The first two hit the ground, the last one lands in the water. Ba-dump-ssh.
Here's a great one-liner. A guy says, "Hey girl, you got something on your butt... my eyes."
Maybe I'm slow, but I don't get the elephant joke?
Delete"Ba-dump-ssh" is the sound of the elephants hitting the ground/water
DeletePlus it's also a play-off of the drumroll that the old school comedians would have for a sound effect after they make a joke.
DeleteKnock knock
ReplyDeletewho's there?
Little old lady.
little old lady who?
Hey, I didn't know you could yodel.
my nine year old son just told me that one.
A baby seal walks into a club
ReplyDeleteA Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: "Five drinks please".
ReplyDeleteI thought this was just the cleverest thing when I first heard it! :)
Not a joke, but. . .it's funny:
ReplyDeletehttp://slightlyviral.com/beware-sugarless-gummy-bears-on-amazon-com/
Did you hear about that concert that only costs 45 cents? It's 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this entire playlist would be appropriate:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMs_JcuNozJYOfHXHGTtHse4XYvnygc8A
"To be is to do" Jean Paul Sartre
ReplyDelete"To do is to be" Socrates
"Doobie doobie do..." Frank Sinatra
Oh, my. These are great. I don't have a good pun for you, but I do have a link to distract you :http://distractify.com/fun/pranks/letters-between-australian-troll-and-neighbor-over-floodlight/
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome.
It'a not a pun, but it's my favorite bad joke..
ReplyDeleteQ: What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and can kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A: A pool table.
Q: why was the little ant so confused?
ReplyDeleteA: because all his uncle's were ants (aunts)!
Want to hear a dirty joke?
ReplyDelete...six white horses fall in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Delete...they took a bath!
Wanna hear another clean joke?
...they took a bath with bubbles!
Wanna hear another dirty joke?
...Bubbles is the horse next door...
How do you find will smith in a snow storm??
ReplyDeleteLook for fresh prints (fresh prince) :)
I entered a pun contest and submitted ten entries. I was hoping that at least one of them would win, but not one-in-ten-did. *intended*
ReplyDelete:-P
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!
ReplyDeleteWhat does a nosy pepper do? Get jalapeno business.
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender said " why the long face?"
ReplyDeleteA horse walks into a bar. Recognizing the imminent danger, several patrons get up and leave.
DeleteA horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Why the long face?" Horse replies, "My wife just died; thanks for asking." Totally not a pun.
DeleteTwo men are sitting in a restaurant. The waiter asks them, "What would you like to drink?"
ReplyDeleteThe first man says, "Oh I'll just have H2O."
Not wanting to be showed up, the second man says, "I'll have H2O too (H2O2)."
The second man dies.
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/482096335082983644/
ReplyDeleteJust imagine the voice and you will laugh so so much
Two cannibals were eating a clown when one turned to the other and asked, "Does this taste funny to you?"
ReplyDeleteTwo bass drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. bu-dum chhhhh!
ReplyDeleteThis is one of my favorite music jokes of all time! ;-)
DeleteTwo birds are standing on a perch. One asks the other "Do you smell fish?"
ReplyDeleteMy sons favorite winter joke: What did one snowman say to the other?
ReplyDeleteDo you smell carrots
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
ReplyDelete