Eli: Hey, I have a question for you.
Kurt: I know this is either going to be really disconcerting or extremely infuriating, but ok.
Eli: This is actually kind of a serious topic. Something happened today and I'm a little uneasy. Actually, freaked out about it.
Kurt: Really? What's going on? Are you ok?
Eli: At what point does a person's actions become actual, true, "stalking." Like, when could someone call the police about this?
Kurt: Um, Eli? Are we in danger? Should I be worried?
Eli: No. I don't think so. But people are so unpredictable and sometimes it's just really hard to know what they're going to do. It's probably fine. But I don't want to end up in the middle of trouble that I could have avoided.
Kurt: Ok. Give me the scenario.
Eli: So let's say that a person follows another person home just to find out where that person lives.
Kurt: That's creepy. But I don't know that the police would do anything about that. Is that all?
Eli: No. So then the "potential stalker" repeatedly returns to that house and walks by it dozens of times, hoping that the person inside will happen to come out.
Kurt: That's definitely worse. And--
Eli: And the potential stalker also finds out where the victim works and frequently goes there as well and takes pictures of the person to text to other people.
Kurt: Are you saying you have paparazzi?
Eli: Don't be ridiculous.
Kurt: Well I definitely think you need to be careful. That sounds a little dangerous. Also--
Eli: And what if from time to time the potential stalker gets up really close to the house and looks through the windows?
Kurt: Definitely not ok.
Eli: But it's only with the windows that are open.
Kurt: That really doesn't matter. It's not ok to look through someone's windows.
Eli: Ugh. FINE. I'll stop. It's not worth all of this moral ambiguity.
Kurt: Huh? You'll stop? Wait a minute. Are YOU the stalker in this situation?!
Eli: POTENTIAL stalker. Yes.
Kurt: Then why did you premise this conversation with statements that made you sound like the victim?! Why did you say you're freaked out?!
Eli: Because I don't want to get in trouble, obviously. I just want to stalk people in peace.
Kurt: WHY ARE YOU EVEN STALKING PEOPLE!?
Eli: Well it's actually a funny story. So, Jolyn and I--
Kurt: Stop. I don't need to hear another word. You are not allowed to see Jolyn anymore unless I'm there.
Eli: You can't GROUND me from Jolyn!
Kurt: Eli, if I don't stop you and Jolyn from spending time together, eventually the police are going to stop both of you from spending time with anyone.
Eli: Ok. But I'm not going to be the one to tell her.
Kurt: Oh my gosh.
Eli: What?
Kurt: I just realized that all of the conversations you post on Stranger are probably actually real conversations.
Eli: Meow.
~It Just Gets Stranger
It's good to have friends like Jolyn. But I suppose friends like Kurt keep you out of jail . . .
ReplyDeleteYES. I was hoping it would take that turn! LOL
ReplyDeleteAre you trying to encourage your online following to become your real life following? This is like "Stalk me and I'll be okay with it 101"
ReplyDeleteI need to put together a pamphlet and a slideshow presentation...
Well, I'm glad you made this stalking story about you because I was afraid you had seen me or somehow found out that I've stalking you and that would have been embarrassing and it would have made me nervous.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I noticed a couple of stories this week that indirectly targeted the subject of credibility (yours, to be more specific) and I think you did that because there have been a few comments from Strangers doubting that some of your stories were actually true.
Kurt, if you read this, I just want to remind you that you're cute. ;)
Could the real reason Kurt doesn't want Eli to see Jolyn without him is that he wants her as his own side kick and is trying to play it cool? She is pretty awesome. Or maybe he loves her and is jealous of her relationship with Eli? Do Kurt and Jolyn even get along? What happens if they don't? Oh my gosh, so many unanswered questions. So much mystery.
ReplyDeleteLet's get real, I'm no one's side kick.
DeleteMeow!
DeleteI had to read this twice because it is so funny! Poor poor Kurt. He will learn.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, who are you stalking?!
Nothing wrong in a little harmless stalking, eh?
ReplyDeleteLook at it this way. Let's say you are some lady named Lola and she's being stalked by Eli. If Lola were to wake up and find Eli placidly sitting at the foot of her bed, would, you, Lola, shriek uncontrollably, or would you be pleasantly surprised? If the former, then cut it out. If the latter, then, MARRY THAT GAL IMMEDIATELY. Remember, nothing is more romantic than the phrase, "All charges were dropped."
ReplyDeleteSounds like the plot of Twilight.
DeleteI think I am the last person in America who hasn't read the books or seen the movies. Vampires just are not my bag. wait. are you saying Eli is a vampire? Because the pale skin, the loathing of hot weather--hmmm. If vampires have an aversion to laundry then you might be on to something.
DeleteNo you're not...there are lots of us that hate Twilight. You can join our fan club of hate.
DeleteEverything always comes back to Twilight...
DeleteMeow meeeow meow,
ReplyDeleteEli, have you been reading the Twilight books again? They're NOT a 'how-to' guide! (Team Kurt!)
ReplyDeletei TOTALLY thought you were going to say a cat was stalking you. following you home, pacing out front, looking in windows.....has cat written all over it.
ReplyDeleteI love this: "You are not allowed to see Jolyn anymore unless I'm there." Great try, Kurt. You may not be the roommate Eli deserves, but you are obviously the roommate Eli needs right now.
ReplyDeleteDid you just quote the Dark Knight? Is Kurt the batman of this situation? I wonder which other qualities Kurt shares with batman?
Deletebwhahaha - kurt is so gullible - of course you are the stalker!!! stalk on eli!
ReplyDelete"Um, Eli? Are we in danger? Should I be worried?"
ReplyDeleteI think at this point Kurt was regretting becoming your roommate.
Hahaha LOVE it! I would do and say the same things! My stalking skills are amazing :)
ReplyDeleteEli, you are the master of the rim shot...meow!
ReplyDeleteI just want to know: would Kurt accept a double blind date offer? Meaning, I would be Kurt's blind date, and you could have my friend as your date (she is awesome), and I can promise we would give you some blogging material. I mean, for one thing, I created this: http://tindermenandtheircats.tumblr.com/ Let me also say we are master stalkers, so I'm trying to do this the nice way :)
ReplyDeleteEli - did you write this blog? http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/text-from-mittens-is-the-best-blog-about-text-messages-from
ReplyDeleteI wasn't expecting the ending. Which is kind of surprising since I can see you actually stalking people. Too Funny
ReplyDeleteI just moved to Utah and I thought to myself: "It would be AWESOME if I bumped into Eli somewhere." And then I considered what I know about you and thought I could probably track you down if I reeeeally wanted to... just for curiosity's sake... but then decided against it. In the beginning of this post, I thought it was a sign that I made the right choice. Now I'm not sure, because if YOU can do it, why can't I? ;)
ReplyDeleteDon't weird him out to much or when you bump into him, he'll pretend he didn't see you! Trust me.
DeleteHahahahahaha YES
ReplyDeleteBeing a potential stalker is fun. Being stalked...not so much.
ReplyDeleteI can't decide if I want all your stories to be true or desperately want them to be extreme exaggerations...
ReplyDeleteAlso - I've been reading your blog since the Great Snuggie Incident and have never commented. TODAY THAT CHANGES.
Eli, I think you should know that I'm obsessed with your blog. And your hair. (By the way, your hair looks FAB today!) I missed approximately eighteen months of blog posts while I was on my mission, so now I'm obsessively reading every single post I missed. And this is the best decision I've ever made.
ReplyDelete