Relationship Advice Emails

One stranger, Lauren, suggested that I email a relationship expert and seek some advice. I found one young guy with a blog in which he states that he is an expert on relationships. He provided his email for anyone who wanted to email him questions. I thought I would test the outer limits of his expertise. I'm sure I'll get what's coming to me one of these days. But until then, enjoy:


From: Peter Hansen
To: Jack
Subject: HELP!?! Relationship!?

I'm in a very unique relationship with someone who doesn't speak English (only understands it) and spends most of the day sleeping. Also, I don't think children will be possible for us and this bothers me. Could use some help if you would email me.


From: Jack
To: Peter Hansen
Subject: HELP!?! Relationship!?

Very interesting situation you have there. I am sure I can help. Can you give me some more information to aide in my advice?

From: Peter Hansen
To: Jack
Subject: HELP!?! Relationship!?

Hi Jack!

Where to begin . . . Her name is Trixy and she's been with me for a couple of years. I was excited at first to have the company, but I felt like it was such a one-sided relationship from the beginning. I am responsible for feeding and bathing her, etc. And that's fine. But I just hoped that she would want to spend more time with me in return. Instead, all she wants to do all day is play outside alone and then sleep inside, not in her bed, but like on the kitchen table.

 

It really hit the fan over Halloween. I sewed us matching costumes as a surprise (we were going as the little boy and E.T.) and when it was time to head out, she ran and hid and wouldn't come out until Halloween was over. Any advice on how we can handle this would be great.

 

Pete

 

 

From: Jack
To: Peter Hansen
Subject: HELP!?! Relationship!?

Pete,

it sounds like you are in an enabling situation. you shouldn't be taking care of her like that she is an adult. Is she handicapped? it sounds like she has depression. it is very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has depression. you should seek help.

Jack


From: Peter Hansen
To: Jack
Subject: HELP!?! Relationship!?

Jack,

No, she doesn't have a disability or depression. I think she's pretty typical, actually.

Sometimes I feel inadequate. Like I'm not good looking enough for her. I don't know. I'm just having a really hard time here. It doesn't help that she doesn't even speak English.

I have attached a picture of the two of us hanging out on a bench together.

 

From: Jack
To: Peter Hansen
Subject: HELP!?! Relationship!?

Pete,

While Trixy is very beautiful, you should never tell yourself that you are not attractive enough for someone. in my relationships I always remind myself that I am a remarkable person. How do you communicate with Trixy if she doesn't speak English? that sounds like your main problem. You should avoid relationships in the first place if you dont even speak the same language.

Jack


From: Peter Hansen
To: Jack
Subject: HELP!?! Relationship!?

Well she understands English perfectly. She just doesn't speak it at all. I understand her when she speaks but in her language the vocabulary is very limited. You know how it is.

She's also frequently adding other men as friends on Facebook and this really bothers me. It might be an accident because she has a hard time using the computer. But I just feel so second-class when she does it.


From: Jack
To: Peter Hansen
Subject: HELP!?! Relationship!?

That doesn't seem correct to me if she can understand english she should be able to speak. It seems like I am missing some information I should have to be able to help you more. Not sure what to say about the face book thing. she probably only adds losers anyway lol!


From: Peter Hansen
To: Jack
Subject: HELP!?! Relationship!?

Not to state the obvious . . . but I'm pretty sure Trixy is not the first cat in the history of the world to not be able to speak English very well.


From: Jack
To: Peter Hansen
Subject: HELP!?! Relationship!?

Are you saying Trixy is a cat? then who is that person in your picture? this has to be a joke right? your not in a relationship with a cat.


From: Peter Hansen
To: Jack
Subject: HELP!?! Relationship!?

Oh my gosh! Did I not explain that earlier!? No wonder you are so confused. The person in that picture is my sister. Trixy is the one on the far right.


From: Jack
To: Peter Hansen
Subject: HELP!?! Relationship!?

I'm done. I am an expert on human relationships not pets.

__________________________
From a different account:


From: Pet-to-Person
To: Jack
Subject: Annual Summit

Hello Jack!

One member of our organization told us recently that you are an expert on pet/owner relationships and that you might be interested in speaking at our Annual Summit. This year's topic is "Why Pets are Better than People." Could you prepare a 3 hour lecture on this by next Thursday?


From: Jack
To: Pet-to-Person
Subject: Annual Summit

i can tell you how to improve your pet relationships. stop replacing the people in your life with animals!


From: Pet-to-Person
To: Jack
Subject: Annual Summit

Ok. But do you think you could make that into a 3 hour lecture?


_______________________
And from one other account:


From: Facebook
To: Jack
Subject: Trixy Meowman wants to be friends on Facebook

Trixy Meowman wants to be freinds with you on Facebook.  Would you like to confirm this request?


From: Jack
To: Facebook
Subject: Trixy Meowman wants to be friends on Facebook

nice try. this isn't even from Facebook. its a gmail account.

~It Just Gets Stranger