The Joys of Cool Air

An update on the Stormtrooper/Vehicle of Despair air-flow problems: Only moments before I planned to get the president of every country in the world on a conference call all at once to demand that they each declare an international state of emergency, marshal law, and threaten to press their little red buttons to blow up other countries, things took a turn for the better. Good thing I didn't overreact. But it wasn't without some struggle. We (and by we, I mean Daniel) took the Stormtrooper to the local mechanic 461,000 times, give or take, before any progress was made.

I'm still confused about why we had to take it in 461,000 times. Daniel swears it's because the woman at the front desk hates him.

The woman at the front desk HATES me.

Why would she hate you, Daniel?

I have NO idea. I didn't do ANYTHING to her.

Well, what makes you think she "hates" you, then? [And I used finger quotes for "hates" to be clear that I was mocking him].

[And he said this next part like we were little girls in middle school and this woman stole his boyfriend] Every time I go in she's always just like, "blah blah blah" and she's rude and stuff.


Sure that I would never get an answer out of him that made any sense, I dismissed the conspiracy theory. Then later that day this woman told him to come back at 4:45 and that someone would totally be there to help him. Daniel Showed up 3 minutes early only to find that the place closed at 4:30.

Maybe it's because he's tall?

He quickly devised a plan to skip the front desk and get straight to the mechanic. This plan was apparently successful because the next day he showed up in my office and declared that the A/C was now working. Mechanic man declared the windows unsalvageable. This doesn't make any sense to me, but as long as the Stormtrooper is blowing cool air inside the vehicle, I do not care about anything else that might be wrong with the world.

Guys, I'm sorry about all of your problems. But I just can't care anymore. Because the Stormtrooper's A/C is working now and you can't ruin that for me.

And guys, that first car ride with A/C? I truly think that no human being has ever experienced as much joy as I did during the drive home from work that day. If I had seen a box of 2 dozen cats on the side of the road on the way home that day, I would have adopted them all, no questions asked. Which would have been a mistake because happiness like that never lasts and later that night I would have had 30 animals in my apartment that I have no room in my heart for (Note: there isn't room in my heart for any).

And just so you know, I am aware that 2 dozen equals 24 and not 30. I was including in the total the 6 geckos running around the apartment that I see out of the corner of my eye every day. This always causes me to scream because I'm sure I just saw a mutant snake-rat. And seriously, what could be worse than a mutant snake-rat? Oh, probably just a regular snake.

Anyway, that first drive with A/C? I thought through every other single happy moment of my life and NONE of them made me feel even close to as happy as this one did.

And I know what you're thinking. "Wow, Eli, you've had a really sad life. Also do you want me to rub your feet later?"

First of all, yes, that would be lovely. Thank you for offering. Sorry about my foot disease. I've had it since 2006.

But second, no, I have not had a sad life. I submit to you that this was such an incredibly happy moment that the only thing that could ever possible compare to it in the future would be if Paul Simon showed up at my door with the Queen of Colorsessess's shanks and head in a bag, promising through a song he wrote just for me that Glee has been canceled.

Even then, with Paul Simon at the front door, I would still not be that excited because I would be comparing that feeling with the time the Stormtrooper's A/C started working after weeks of sitting inside a vehicular-sauna in the hottest place on Earth.

It's the little things, strangers. Sometimes you really need to celebrate the little things.

And I've been celebrating the little things a lot lately, in fact, since I am now basically a tennis pro. But, like, one who is really bad at tennis.

Brian, whom you know from Brian Palau School of Tennis, marched into my office yesterday and demanded that I inform you all that my tennis game is improving.

When you say you're the worst tennis player in the world, it reflects poorly on your tennis instructor, Eli!

Brian is SO worried that you guys aren't going to enroll next semester.

But the thing is, I'm not getting "good" at tennis. I'm just hitting it over the net sometimes now. I tried to explain this to Brian but he told me it's all relative. And I guess compared to a couple of weeks ago, I'm Serena Williams now. Only less frightening. And a man. With A/C in his car.

Still, I'm not going to be making money any time soon as a professional athlete.

But you know what? My car is cool inside and I can sometimes hit a tennis ball over the net.

~It Just Gets Stranger