Blunt Words of Wisdom

Recently, I got a book in the mail from a dear friend of mine titled "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader: Plunges Into Texas" and I have been enjoying it while, well, what else? Reading in the bathroom.

It's crammed full of interesting trivia and Tejas tidbits such as thumbnail biographies of Texan movie stars Renee Zellweger, Tommy Lee Jones, and Sissy Spacek as well as backgrounders on musicians Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings. And did you know that 75% of the worlds Snickers candy bars come from the M&M/Mars plant in Waco, Texas?

I don't know when exactly I got into the habit of expanding my mind while whiling away the wait for...let's just say things to pass? But I do know that I met its biggest proponent in college.


My college roommate, Lewis, was a unique guy. He studied hard and long; most times from just after dinner until one or two in the mornings. He enjoyed making life miserable for himself, so he was always training for running in a marathon but never ran one. As slow as I walk, I could keep up with him walking along side as he ran.

Another endearing trait of his was his ability to be super-extremely regular - by that I mean, I knew when it was 7:00 AM and not a single second before or after when he finished up and flushed the toilet each morning.

He always chewed fifty times before swallowing, and brushed his teeth after every meal and snack. When he showered, he once told me he never felt clean until he was in there long enough that he ran out of hot water.

Odd as he was, he imparted to me words of great wisdom. He loudly and frequently proclaimed for the world to hear, "AHH! There is NOTHING like a warm place to go the bathroom!" along with "The two BIGGEST wastes of time in the world are pumping gas and going to the bathroom!"

Perhaps you detect a theme here. I do believe half this man's waking life was spent either in or around the bathroom. I know he never had time to pump gas.


One of my college buddies, Jeff, took great delight in keeping meticulous records. His pride and joy was being so detail oriented, he could micro-manage a complete city full of high quality detail-oriented anal-compulsives and not break out into a sweat or show the slightest strain.


While I was having fun doing the usual college things like going to parties with my ROTC buddy shown above, who was very creative when it came to dress and clever stunts to pull, Jeff was busy trying to determine how many hours a day Lewis spent "wasting" his time in the bathroom. He did this for several months and graphed the data and plotted charts - for the one day when he gave his presentation, complete with chalkboard pointing stick, to the bunch of us that made up a warmly remembered study group. The presentation was held in the main campus dining hall. He left nothing to chance, every last conceivable presentation aid was employed.

Jeff proceeded to astonish us (and Lewis) with the facts. We learned via a H. Ross Perot-like cascade of charts that we would all be able to read with comprehension and learn all of the facts and figures we needed for our mid-terms and finals entirely within the time Lewis alone spent in the bathroom.


I learned my lesson well. "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader: Plunges Into Texas" joins a library of other books all within easy arms reach of...a warm place to go the bathroom.

Thanks Alice Kay!