I am so excited to have a little bit of fun news! I wish it were IF related, but, alas it isn't.
I am starting a little business. I've been thinking about it for months...and I finally took the plunge on Friday. It's pretty cliche - a suburban chick buys a sewing/embroidery machine and thinks she's going to conquer the world. But, however cliche, I'm really excited to have this new creative outlet and hobby. Infertility has robbed me of too many months of having our entire life on hold. We don't schedule fancy vacations or spend money without really contemplating it - "I might be pregnant and don't want to fly during the first trimester" or "We probably shouldn't spend money on {insert anything here}, so we can afford IVF again" or "We'll be in our next cycle that month...best not to plan anything during those weeks"...blah blah blah. You know the drill...we all do it.
Well, we've finally made a decision and said "Screw IF and any cost associated with it....this will bring some happiness to us". Ok, I said we, but clearly, it's ME. R will likely get very little out of me monogramming our towels or making cute things for my friends and the like. Of course, I hope to recoup the money I've spent on the machine and materials, but, I am not thinking I'll be able to retire in 6 months from monogramming my niece's clothes!!!
If you are interested, I've set up a blog for "the business". Haha - just sounds funny to say that. It's www.tsadesigns.blogspot.com.
Here's to making ourselves happy inspite of IF.
My uncle, while still in ICU, is doing better. Thank you for your precious comments and continued prayers. And, oh...about seeing Murgdan...we have been IRL friends since before I saw her at the hospital. We met several months ago and have since formed a sort of IRL IF support group. Isn't it so nice to have IRL friends who understand this craziness of IF???
Showing posts with label mindless ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mindless ramblings. Show all posts
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Manic Monday
I just like saying Manic Monday. It's not like my Monday has been real crazy or anything.
I'm at work today...in the office. It's going ok. Nothing major.
I got the funniest card from my friend, Murgdan, this weekend. It cracks me up. And-bonus!- has made me smile countless times between when I got it and now. The card is about how even the Lord didn't know which came first - the chicken or the egg...and so he "shoveth'd the egg into the chicken, and it was good" -HA!!! May the Lord shoveth eggs into us - and it be good!
Infertile friends in real life provide such awesome companionship, support, conversation. And, I've found, that 9 out of 10 times, there are many more reasons we become friends and, I hope, stay friends.
Do you ever wish you had stayed in the proverbial IF closet? I do. Which, is one of the reasons I am trying to be low key this cycle. I have learned a lot about self disclosure over the past 2 and a half years. Once you've opened the door and let your loved ones in, you are always at the mercy of their opinions. I am tired of other people's opinions and "solutions" to our IF journey. I want to wear a sign at all times that says, "I know everyone has their own sob story. I'm living mine...please keep your opinions and stories to yourself."
Man, that's pretty bitchy of me. But, I guess, the truth hurts sometimes. How that statement rings so true to my heart.
Sorry - random post, random thoughts.
I'm at work today...in the office. It's going ok. Nothing major.
I got the funniest card from my friend, Murgdan, this weekend. It cracks me up. And-bonus!- has made me smile countless times between when I got it and now. The card is about how even the Lord didn't know which came first - the chicken or the egg...and so he "shoveth'd the egg into the chicken, and it was good" -HA!!! May the Lord shoveth eggs into us - and it be good!
Infertile friends in real life provide such awesome companionship, support, conversation. And, I've found, that 9 out of 10 times, there are many more reasons we become friends and, I hope, stay friends.
Do you ever wish you had stayed in the proverbial IF closet? I do. Which, is one of the reasons I am trying to be low key this cycle. I have learned a lot about self disclosure over the past 2 and a half years. Once you've opened the door and let your loved ones in, you are always at the mercy of their opinions. I am tired of other people's opinions and "solutions" to our IF journey. I want to wear a sign at all times that says, "I know everyone has their own sob story. I'm living mine...please keep your opinions and stories to yourself."
Man, that's pretty bitchy of me. But, I guess, the truth hurts sometimes. How that statement rings so true to my heart.
Sorry - random post, random thoughts.
Friday, May 1, 2009
May - the month of Mothers
Today is May 1st. I wonder why April 1st is April Fools Day and no other 1st is a fools day. Hum...something for me to google.
I know a lot of us infertiles have a very difficult time with Mother's Day. I can't say that I don't think about what it'd be like to have this cute little one to snuggle with or a little toddler with R's (and my) curly hair, R's skin tone and my smile make me a card in Mother's Morning Out. I do. I actually even know what I'd like as a gift if I were to be celebrated next Sunday. (Has anyone seen these new Lollipop Gerbera Daisies???).
Even with that being said....Mother's Day really isn't all that hard for me. I have so many wonderful women in my life who are Mom's and who have had a tremendous impact on me, that it's easy for me to celebrate them.
My aunt is a 2 time survivor of breast cancer. She has had 2 mastectomies. She has the will of a warrior and the spirit of an angel.
My grandmother, though long passed, was this tremendous lady who was so loving and giving. She helped shape my childhood into the wonderful memories of happiness and laughter. To this day, sweet tea is not my drink of choice because no one's could ever be like hers.
Ronda - my best friend's mom (and my mom's best friend) suffers from MS and diabetes and a whole laundry list of other ailments. She lost her oldest daughter to Melanoma 4 years ago in August. She continues to grieve but gets up everyday and does the best she can. She spoils her grand kids and remembers Melissa with a love only a mother can know.
My Mother in Law, who drives me crazy, but I love all the same. She has this unwavering faith that I can't always understand, but long to have. She's learned to adjust to no longer being the only woman in her sons' lives and tries very hard to include my sister in law and me into her tight knit family.
My sister, who is my all time best friend, is a wonderful Mom to my niece. She sets boundaries and sticks to them, she keeps her active and social, she teaches her new things. Most of all, she is just like our mom! She is a compassionate, loyal and selfless friend, and she puts up with my crazy. What else is there to say?
Most of all, the woman in my life who has had the greatest impact on me is, of course, my Mom. Most often referred to as Mommy or Ol' Bren, she competes with my sister for the best friend slot in my life. She stayed home with us when we were little and Daddy worked long, hard hours as a bread man to ensure we had everything we needed and wanted. She tells me that if she went to the bathroom and locked the door, then I would lay on the floor and stick my fingers under the door and scream and cry. I remember she took a job at night at the local hospital once - on Friday and Saturday nights - and I would stay up - long after Daddy and my sister had gone to bed and cry because she wasn't home. I would call her and beg her to come home. Clearly, the job didn't last long. In middle school and high school, she was the mom everyone wanted to talk to about things they couldn't possibly ask their own mom's about. In college, she hated not knowing my new found friends and made the trek to Athens regularly so she could understand this new world and meet these new people. These days, she's still the first person I want to talk to in the mornings and the last person I normally talk to before bed. She still never goes to the bathroom alone and she's creating the same open relationship that shaped my life with my niece. If I am ever lucky enough to be a mother, my greatest ambition will be to mirror the relationship I've had with my mom with my own children.
So, in honor of Mother's Day, I honor the women in my life. All of the women in my life, not just the one's who are so blessed to be "Mom" to someone. During this time which might often get us down, I am going to choose to celebrate and believe that maybe, just maybe, next year I will get those Lollipop Gerberas.
I know a lot of us infertiles have a very difficult time with Mother's Day. I can't say that I don't think about what it'd be like to have this cute little one to snuggle with or a little toddler with R's (and my) curly hair, R's skin tone and my smile make me a card in Mother's Morning Out. I do. I actually even know what I'd like as a gift if I were to be celebrated next Sunday. (Has anyone seen these new Lollipop Gerbera Daisies???).
Even with that being said....Mother's Day really isn't all that hard for me. I have so many wonderful women in my life who are Mom's and who have had a tremendous impact on me, that it's easy for me to celebrate them.
My aunt is a 2 time survivor of breast cancer. She has had 2 mastectomies. She has the will of a warrior and the spirit of an angel.
My grandmother, though long passed, was this tremendous lady who was so loving and giving. She helped shape my childhood into the wonderful memories of happiness and laughter. To this day, sweet tea is not my drink of choice because no one's could ever be like hers.
Ronda - my best friend's mom (and my mom's best friend) suffers from MS and diabetes and a whole laundry list of other ailments. She lost her oldest daughter to Melanoma 4 years ago in August. She continues to grieve but gets up everyday and does the best she can. She spoils her grand kids and remembers Melissa with a love only a mother can know.
My Mother in Law, who drives me crazy, but I love all the same. She has this unwavering faith that I can't always understand, but long to have. She's learned to adjust to no longer being the only woman in her sons' lives and tries very hard to include my sister in law and me into her tight knit family.
My sister, who is my all time best friend, is a wonderful Mom to my niece. She sets boundaries and sticks to them, she keeps her active and social, she teaches her new things. Most of all, she is just like our mom! She is a compassionate, loyal and selfless friend, and she puts up with my crazy. What else is there to say?
Most of all, the woman in my life who has had the greatest impact on me is, of course, my Mom. Most often referred to as Mommy or Ol' Bren, she competes with my sister for the best friend slot in my life. She stayed home with us when we were little and Daddy worked long, hard hours as a bread man to ensure we had everything we needed and wanted. She tells me that if she went to the bathroom and locked the door, then I would lay on the floor and stick my fingers under the door and scream and cry. I remember she took a job at night at the local hospital once - on Friday and Saturday nights - and I would stay up - long after Daddy and my sister had gone to bed and cry because she wasn't home. I would call her and beg her to come home. Clearly, the job didn't last long. In middle school and high school, she was the mom everyone wanted to talk to about things they couldn't possibly ask their own mom's about. In college, she hated not knowing my new found friends and made the trek to Athens regularly so she could understand this new world and meet these new people. These days, she's still the first person I want to talk to in the mornings and the last person I normally talk to before bed. She still never goes to the bathroom alone and she's creating the same open relationship that shaped my life with my niece. If I am ever lucky enough to be a mother, my greatest ambition will be to mirror the relationship I've had with my mom with my own children.
So, in honor of Mother's Day, I honor the women in my life. All of the women in my life, not just the one's who are so blessed to be "Mom" to someone. During this time which might often get us down, I am going to choose to celebrate and believe that maybe, just maybe, next year I will get those Lollipop Gerberas.
Monday, April 13, 2009
MIA
No, not the name Mia - I am talking about me...being M.I.A. I went on "spring break" last week - funny seeing how I am NOT a teacher nor am I a student. Oh, well, the tradition continues for this lady.
We had a wonderful week of beautiful weather, too much beer, lots of yummy food and laughs. But, its always nice to return home.
R and I leave for the beach again on Wednesday for a good friend's wedding. I am a slacker - basically taking 2 weeks off from work. Oh well...that's what vacation time is for!!!
Met with Dr. K today - went over new protocol, etc. We'll get started either in a couple weeks or the next cycle. I'm kinda over being infertile, though. I am sick of thinking about it, writing about it, talking about it. I know...you get the point. So, while I will be here - cheering you on, I may not be posting very often.
I re-read "Waiting for Daisy" for the 3rd time last night. Man, that book...go get it if you haven't read it before. Or, ladies - let me know if you want to borrow it - although I might make you sign over your first born in the promise that you will return it. (Anyone laughing at my joke???). Anyway, that book basically feels like my life - minus the 5 continents, 3 miscarriages and failed adoptions. However, she has so many insightful things to say. I might start at the beginning of it again tonight.
Anywhoo...just wanted you to know I am here. Praying for my sisters in the trenches. Praying for myself....waiting for my own Daisy.
We had a wonderful week of beautiful weather, too much beer, lots of yummy food and laughs. But, its always nice to return home.
R and I leave for the beach again on Wednesday for a good friend's wedding. I am a slacker - basically taking 2 weeks off from work. Oh well...that's what vacation time is for!!!
Met with Dr. K today - went over new protocol, etc. We'll get started either in a couple weeks or the next cycle. I'm kinda over being infertile, though. I am sick of thinking about it, writing about it, talking about it. I know...you get the point. So, while I will be here - cheering you on, I may not be posting very often.
I re-read "Waiting for Daisy" for the 3rd time last night. Man, that book...go get it if you haven't read it before. Or, ladies - let me know if you want to borrow it - although I might make you sign over your first born in the promise that you will return it. (Anyone laughing at my joke???). Anyway, that book basically feels like my life - minus the 5 continents, 3 miscarriages and failed adoptions. However, she has so many insightful things to say. I might start at the beginning of it again tonight.
Anywhoo...just wanted you to know I am here. Praying for my sisters in the trenches. Praying for myself....waiting for my own Daisy.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
My pathway is broken...
I was thinking last night how much life has changed in the 4 and 1/2 years R and I have been married. Its truly amazing. I almost can't remember the person I was back then. We were so very different.
When we started building our house - we were BROKE. I am talking - eating at McDonald's for lunch was a treat. We were living in a small mountain town on the GA/TN state line (literally) in R's grandmothers house. Our physical address was GA and our PO box was TN. I was working as a bank teller in a town 45 minutes away (no traffic - literally, 40 miles and 45 minutes of pure driving). R was working for the same company he works for today. His job was/is a career - mine was a placeholder.
So, we put a contract on this lot and started building our home. It was halfway between R's work and Atlanta. I wasn't sure where I'd be working, but, I knew we would not be happy if we tried to build a life in the mountains. This girl needs civilization!!! They broke ground on our house on Valentine's day. We were excited!
Two months later I began working at my current company. I loved it right away. I had bought a condo in downtown ATL before we were engaged and we still had it. It worked out that I was able to live there and R stayed in the mountains while our house was under construction. My sister was pregnant with my Sunshine and it was nice to be close to her during that time. I was able to spend a lot of pre-baby time with her and help her while she was on bed-rest (the last 6 weeks or something!!). While this was not the best time for our marriage - long distance marriage's are not easy - especially when you haven't even celebrated your first anniversary - I think we both would have said we were happy, or, at least content.
My niece was born July 28th that year and my best friend's sister died August 9th. It was a very happy and very devastating month. Melissa - by bf's sister - had been diagnosed with melanoma a little over a year before and things had turned for the worst in June. She was the most graceful person I've ever known. None of us ever heard her get mad about the fact that she wouldn't see her son turn turn 3. She never (that any of us know of) raged about the fact that she was 32 and would never make it to 33. She was the bravest, most graceful, most selfless women I will ever know. I mourn for her every day of my life.
We moved into our home September 23rd just a little over a month later. It was nice to finally have a HOME. We sold the condo, at a loss - which always helps when you are young and just starting out - a month later. Things were looking up.
The next couple of years we kept on keeping on. Marriage, as we were learning, was not easy. But, we loved each other and were committed to make it through.
We became Tata and R-ie (abbreviated for his privacy...wonder if he even cares?) almost as soon as my niece began talking. She was saying MaMa and DaDa and NaNa and Pop - by gosh, I was coming up with a name she could say right away, too! Its strange - how a new nickname can so totally define your life. I can't remember NOT being Tata - pretty much our entire family, friends both at home and work call me Tata.
My niece was the icing on the cake to convincing us to get off the pill. We waited until January 1, 2007 to toss those wretched pills out and were soooo excited about having a cousin for her. I dreamt of the relationship they would forge and of the wonderful years ahead for our family.
What a difference 2 years can make. While our marriage has actually flourished over the past years of constant devastation, my spirit has been irrevocably damaged. While I am so ashamed of my rage, jealousy, bitterness, depression and anger - I can't ignore those feelings and that this journey has forever changed me. I have questioned the existence of my God, shouted in anger at Him and pleaded with Him. I have lost friends over my inability to bear children. In the same breath, I have met new friends who I am sure are the kind of friends that are life-long.
I cried with R last night. He never knows what to say, so he always just sits silently. I wondered aloud about the fairness...Can't God just give us numbers - like at the deli counter? And assure us that our number WILL be called - and that everything will be fine? Wouldn't that make this journey bearable? Then, we could be happy for our friends when they email us with a kick ass Beta after IVF #1. We could be happy and tolerate the moaning of our fertile friends who complain about morning sickness and panic about c-sections. We could be happy with life and know that we'd get our child.
This is not the path I would have chosen.
My pathway is broken...the signs are unclear and I don't know the reason why You brought me here. But, just because You love me, I will walk through the valley, if you want me to.
When we started building our house - we were BROKE. I am talking - eating at McDonald's for lunch was a treat. We were living in a small mountain town on the GA/TN state line (literally) in R's grandmothers house. Our physical address was GA and our PO box was TN. I was working as a bank teller in a town 45 minutes away (no traffic - literally, 40 miles and 45 minutes of pure driving). R was working for the same company he works for today. His job was/is a career - mine was a placeholder.
So, we put a contract on this lot and started building our home. It was halfway between R's work and Atlanta. I wasn't sure where I'd be working, but, I knew we would not be happy if we tried to build a life in the mountains. This girl needs civilization!!! They broke ground on our house on Valentine's day. We were excited!
Two months later I began working at my current company. I loved it right away. I had bought a condo in downtown ATL before we were engaged and we still had it. It worked out that I was able to live there and R stayed in the mountains while our house was under construction. My sister was pregnant with my Sunshine and it was nice to be close to her during that time. I was able to spend a lot of pre-baby time with her and help her while she was on bed-rest (the last 6 weeks or something!!). While this was not the best time for our marriage - long distance marriage's are not easy - especially when you haven't even celebrated your first anniversary - I think we both would have said we were happy, or, at least content.
My niece was born July 28th that year and my best friend's sister died August 9th. It was a very happy and very devastating month. Melissa - by bf's sister - had been diagnosed with melanoma a little over a year before and things had turned for the worst in June. She was the most graceful person I've ever known. None of us ever heard her get mad about the fact that she wouldn't see her son turn turn 3. She never (that any of us know of) raged about the fact that she was 32 and would never make it to 33. She was the bravest, most graceful, most selfless women I will ever know. I mourn for her every day of my life.
We moved into our home September 23rd just a little over a month later. It was nice to finally have a HOME. We sold the condo, at a loss - which always helps when you are young and just starting out - a month later. Things were looking up.
The next couple of years we kept on keeping on. Marriage, as we were learning, was not easy. But, we loved each other and were committed to make it through.
We became Tata and R-ie (abbreviated for his privacy...wonder if he even cares?) almost as soon as my niece began talking. She was saying MaMa and DaDa and NaNa and Pop - by gosh, I was coming up with a name she could say right away, too! Its strange - how a new nickname can so totally define your life. I can't remember NOT being Tata - pretty much our entire family, friends both at home and work call me Tata.
My niece was the icing on the cake to convincing us to get off the pill. We waited until January 1, 2007 to toss those wretched pills out and were soooo excited about having a cousin for her. I dreamt of the relationship they would forge and of the wonderful years ahead for our family.
What a difference 2 years can make. While our marriage has actually flourished over the past years of constant devastation, my spirit has been irrevocably damaged. While I am so ashamed of my rage, jealousy, bitterness, depression and anger - I can't ignore those feelings and that this journey has forever changed me. I have questioned the existence of my God, shouted in anger at Him and pleaded with Him. I have lost friends over my inability to bear children. In the same breath, I have met new friends who I am sure are the kind of friends that are life-long.
I cried with R last night. He never knows what to say, so he always just sits silently. I wondered aloud about the fairness...Can't God just give us numbers - like at the deli counter? And assure us that our number WILL be called - and that everything will be fine? Wouldn't that make this journey bearable? Then, we could be happy for our friends when they email us with a kick ass Beta after IVF #1. We could be happy and tolerate the moaning of our fertile friends who complain about morning sickness and panic about c-sections. We could be happy with life and know that we'd get our child.
This is not the path I would have chosen.
My pathway is broken...the signs are unclear and I don't know the reason why You brought me here. But, just because You love me, I will walk through the valley, if you want me to.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
All kinds of self pity here today...
Take note of my warning, friends. It is not a beautiful day in the neighborhood...
I just logged into facebook to get a delivery status on a friend's first child. I'm happy for them. I'm a selfish bitch, though, to be thinking - I am glad that isn't me - I don't want an April Fools Baby. Whatever. If it were me, I'd think it was so awesome to have an April 1st baby.
I just logged into facebook to get a delivery status on a friend's first child. I'm happy for them. I'm a selfish bitch, though, to be thinking - I am glad that isn't me - I don't want an April Fools Baby. Whatever. If it were me, I'd think it was so awesome to have an April 1st baby.
Ah, well. Such is life.
I am in a funk today. Not sure if its the weather or what. I found out that a "friend" at my RE got PG on her first IVF cycle. I'm happy for her - but so freaking jealous I can't even stand it. I am so jealous that she has such insanely strong Beta's...I would lay money that she's having twins. I want to be that totally selfless person that jumps for joy and cries with excitement for her, but I just can't. I feel like this freaking IF journey has become a race to get pregnant and I keep losing. I'm so jealous that I can see the green in my skin. I am so full of self pity and I can't see past my own nose.
How I long for the day that I can send the email - "My Beta was 7,750 today. We are just sitting on pins and needles still. Too worried to be excited." I know we'll be worried/excited/scared shitless/out of our mind happy. I got to enjoy a very poor beta for 24 hours once - knowing it wouldn't last - and I couldn't believe the emotions we felt. It was total euphoria. I've never been so scared and so happy in my life. Will I ever feel that again? Today, my glass appears half empty and I am terrified that I'll never know the joys of pregnancy or parenthood. I'm so pissed off that we had 2 perfect embryos and neither found it comfortable enough to take root. I'm so pissed that them not taking likely means that something was chromosomally wrong with them. I am so pissed off at infertility and that it has chosen me as its bitch.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Infertile and living in a Fertile World
I had dinner this week with some friends. I was in a pretty shit mood to begin with. You know how some days you just wake up insanely pissed off that seemingly everyone in the world has kids or is pregnant but you? Yeah, that was me.
So, at dinner, the topic came up about how so many infertiles magically get pregnant after adopting or finally getting that illusive positive after IVF that we are all searching for. Yeah, I've heard those stories, too. Actually, I've lived with that story happening to R's cousin. (And! She bitched the entire 2nd pregnancy and acted like it was such a burden...). So, I got pretty annoyed at the conversation, and in my dissertation of how that is statistically improbable to happen to most couples, adoption isn't a cure to IF, most people would eventually fall pregnant after 10 years, etc...I think, scratch that, pretty well know that I hurt her feelings. It wasn't my intent - it was just the angry infertile in me lashing out.
With my diagnosis, and Dr. K's research, it is statistically improbable that I will ever just fall pregnant on my own. Actually, it will be very hard for us to get pregnant even with IVF. I'm not being negative, its just the harsh reality that I have to live with.
Google defines normal as:
So, at dinner, the topic came up about how so many infertiles magically get pregnant after adopting or finally getting that illusive positive after IVF that we are all searching for. Yeah, I've heard those stories, too. Actually, I've lived with that story happening to R's cousin. (And! She bitched the entire 2nd pregnancy and acted like it was such a burden...). So, I got pretty annoyed at the conversation, and in my dissertation of how that is statistically improbable to happen to most couples, adoption isn't a cure to IF, most people would eventually fall pregnant after 10 years, etc...I think, scratch that, pretty well know that I hurt her feelings. It wasn't my intent - it was just the angry infertile in me lashing out.
With my diagnosis, and Dr. K's research, it is statistically improbable that I will ever just fall pregnant on my own. Actually, it will be very hard for us to get pregnant even with IVF. I'm not being negative, its just the harsh reality that I have to live with.
Google defines normal as:
- conforming with or constituting a norm or standard or level or type or social norm; not abnormal; "serve wine at normal room temperature"; "normal ...
- in accordance with scientific laws
- being approximately average or within certain limits in e.g. intelligence and development; "a perfectly normal child"; "of normal intelligence"; "the most normal person I've ever met"
In the life of an infertile, or at least this infertile, I don't think anything about my life will ever be "normal" again. Yes, we may live in the burbs, drive our SUVs, have our 2 dogs and 1 cat, enjoy vacationing at the beach, etc. Long after these battle wounds have healed, R and I will live out our lives with permanent, deep scars. We will always look at pregnant teenagers with eyes of both disgust and envy. I'll always look at pregnant bellies with longing eyes (even if I get to enjoy those amazing 40 weeks myself). I don't think I will ever consider us "normal". After all, we live in a world where fertile is normal...so, automatically, are abnormal.
This isn't a post to get you to feel sorry for me that I don't feel normal. I'm not ashamed. I just have those days where it really pisses me off that I am abnormal. I hope my friends forgive me for those days and will continue to love us through this journey.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
73rd Post, 73 Reasons why my Plus One is Awesome
Welcome to post 73!
Too often, I think I get caught up in IF and forget that this journey is really about US...It's not just ME experiencing the heartbreak and constant disappointment.
So, totally random number, but I didn't want to wait to 100 to post. Here you have it - 73 reasons why R is Awesome!
Too often, I think I get caught up in IF and forget that this journey is really about US...It's not just ME experiencing the heartbreak and constant disappointment.
So, totally random number, but I didn't want to wait to 100 to post. Here you have it - 73 reasons why R is Awesome!
- He doesn't complain about what I cook for dinner, even if its awful or something he doesn't like.
- He cleans the house - I haven't cleaned a toilet in 5 years.
- He understands my compulsive need to have closets and laundry rooms organized.
- He doesn't understand why that organization doesn't spill over into cabinets or pantries, but he moves on.
- He enjoys the little things in life - "WOO HOO! Our forsythia bush is slap full of blooms!"
- He loves his parents and treats them well.
- That being said, he doesn't like it, but tolerates it, when I bitch about them.
- He loves my family...craziness and all.
- He loves my niece as much as I do.
- He doesn't complain when we have said niece and gets kicked out of our bed.
- He probably doesn't understand, but is supportive of the extended support lines I need to get through IF.
- He works very hard - and at night - but lets me have pretty much sole control of our finances.
- He doesn't complain when I tell him we need to watch our spend very closely and then spend $60 on a tennis outfit.
- He lets me fill our house with friends and family as often as I like.
- He has been truly my partner in making our house a HOME.
- He totally trusts my judgement - I have been the only one to test drive the 3 cars we have bought together.
- He takes care of the dogs - and all I have to do is love them!!
- He takes care of our crazy-expensive stray cat...who I admit I like her...but she drives me nuts
- When life gets too hard, and we can't even say the things that are too hard to say, he will write me a love letter email so that his feelings are still "said."
- He loves "stupid" movies and shows - the ones that make you laugh just because they are so unbelievable (Taledaga Nights, Sponge Bob, etc.)
- He finds Curious George episodes comforting.
- He is freaking FUNNY.
- He really loves my Dad and being with him (at least, that's how he acts!).
- If he is your friend, he will be there with you for ANYTHING.
- He's anally organized - he will keep 3 or 4 lists of things he "needs" to do going at the same time (sometimes this also drives me nuts).
- He cries with me about infertility, but doesn't blame me that we are going through it.
- He tells me that I am annoying when I get going on a saying, "That shit is funny dude!!" and the like, but, deep down I know he thinks its funny, too!
- He understands that I thrive in social settings and doesn't get too annoyed when I have happy hours and such after work (with friends or with co-workers).
- He loves his job and takes pride in his work.
- He is a handyman.
- He is a handyman for anyone - me, my sis, my parents, his parents...anyone.
- He doesn't get annoyed when I sign him up for something that he doesn't really want to do.
- He understands and doesn't complain when I get burnt out on SEC football and don't want to make the trek to Athens every weekend in the fall.
- He loves Jesus Christ.
- He is open to most ideas.
- He can intelligently engage in conversations.
- He has a plethora of knowledge about random stuff.
- He loves National Geographic - and claims to have read tons of old versions at his Grandmother's house.
- He loves his grandmother as much as I loved mine...and we both still grieve for them, 15 years after they've gone.
- He loves the beach.
- He is very sentimental.
- He is very creative with gift giving (scavenger hunts, etc.).
- He is very creative with just about everything!
- He takes care of the cars - oil changes, etc.
- He is not a screamer - and I am - which would make for way worse arguments!
- He likes to sleep in with me!
- He puts away his own laundry.
- He is easy going and laid back.
- He can enjoy a day where we do absolutely nothing.
- He goes to IF doctor appointments with me.
- He doesn't complain about having to "give samples" for IF treatments.
- He feels the same heartache as me - month after month.
- He will be an INCREDIBLE father.
- He isn't one of those guys that is all "If we have a girl, I will just die. I want a son to play sports with."
- He plays princess and funny things that our niece thinks up.
- He loved his truck, but realized it was time to sell it.
- He is sentimental enough, that, had we could have afforded to and had a place to store it, he would have kept that truck his entire life.
- He included our families about how/when/where he was going to propose.
- He asked my parents permission before he proposed.
- He planned our honeymoon and kept it a secret.
- He accidentally told me where we were headed for above mentioned honeymoon the week of our wedding.
- He always give presents when he buys them because he gets too excited to keep the secret.
- He gets creative with how to pay for presents because I am in charge of the budget and will see the charge on the AMEX.
- He will IM me from the bed and say funny things (he works at night, I typically work at home in the kitchen). He'll be 20 feet away from me when he does it.
- He'll text message me when we are sitting together and say something funny.
- He makes me laugh more than anyone I know.
- He likes to drive my sister crazy when we are together by making me laugh at things we can't really explain or aren't really funny to anyone else. She swears we have secrets and are talking about her.
- He enjoys hanging out with our siblings and their spouses.
- He doesn't complain that I get to go to the beach more than him - because I have more vacation days.
- He understands when I am a raging lunatic about IF - be it from the drugs or from severe grief.
- He gave me my PIO shots and I think it hurt him worse than it did me.
- He loves animals - ours or someone else's. He has a natural affinity with them
- He loves me!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
A Better Today
I met with 4 other fellow infertiles last night. It was very fun! Its nice to have an IRL support group with people who are also in the trenches of this battle. It's free therapy!!
Please pray for my friend who is having her transfer (5 day!! You go girl!) today - this is her first IVF cycle - and, as we all know - it is sooooo overwhelming!
After my post yesterday, however gratifying it made me feel to say those things, it just annoyed me that I am that angry girl now. So, starting today (even though I couldn't face going into the office), I am going to try harder to be myself again.
I am really nervous/anxious about going to see Dr. K on Friday. This is our post IVF appointment with him, and at my last clinic, my post IVF was a bombardment of "your only hope is donor egg...talk to you sister, see if she would be willing to give you some eggs" heartbreak. I'm nervous he will pull the same stunt, and I just don't think there is any way to prepare my fragile heart for it if he does. On the flip side, I'm not sure if this ol' girl can take another negative beta after IVF.
So, instead of masking all of this pure terror with a really pissed off face, I'm just gonna face it the best I can. So, if I cry everyday, is that really a new thing for me? Not really. At least I can let go of the bitterness.
We will have a baby...come hell or high water...we will be parents.
Please pray for my friend who is having her transfer (5 day!! You go girl!) today - this is her first IVF cycle - and, as we all know - it is sooooo overwhelming!
After my post yesterday, however gratifying it made me feel to say those things, it just annoyed me that I am that angry girl now. So, starting today (even though I couldn't face going into the office), I am going to try harder to be myself again.
I am really nervous/anxious about going to see Dr. K on Friday. This is our post IVF appointment with him, and at my last clinic, my post IVF was a bombardment of "your only hope is donor egg...talk to you sister, see if she would be willing to give you some eggs" heartbreak. I'm nervous he will pull the same stunt, and I just don't think there is any way to prepare my fragile heart for it if he does. On the flip side, I'm not sure if this ol' girl can take another negative beta after IVF.
So, instead of masking all of this pure terror with a really pissed off face, I'm just gonna face it the best I can. So, if I cry everyday, is that really a new thing for me? Not really. At least I can let go of the bitterness.
We will have a baby...come hell or high water...we will be parents.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Monday Monday
So, its a very dreary, rainy day here in Atlanta. I wish I could say my mood was better than the weather. These are the days I wish my blog was private and no one that I "knew" was reading. Oh, well. My IRL people will just have to listen and read my bitching.
I keep thinking I am better and over this last cycle. But, actually, I just continue to be super pissed off. I mean, like, kind of crazy mad about being infertile. Almost need to be committed mad about being infertile. I never wanted to be that really pissed off woman. However, I look in the mirror and there she is.
Don't get me wrong - I am not that girl who won't acknowledge other people's happiness or cannot be happy for other people. I can be happy for others. It is just harder than it used to be. I am totally over pretending to be happy for pregnant teenagers or people who "weren't planning" to become pregnant. If you aren't preventing, then you are trying, idiot. I have friends who are pregnant and its totally fine. Yes, sometimes it makes me feel awkward to be around those huge bellies - because I feel like this idiot puppy - drooling over what I want. PATHETIC. PATHETIC. But, what can you do but wake up every day and just get over yourself?
We went to an adoption seminar at a church yesterday. We didn't tell anyone we were going - I didn't want any opinions. I still don't want any one's opinions on it. I am not sure what my opinion is on it. I do know that it pisses me off that in order to adopt you have to have some stranger come into your home and evaluate whether you are fit to be parents or not. I mean, really? If I were a crack whore in the local trailer park, I could certainly conceive without the government telling me I was a good enough person to be a mother. If I were freaking 16 years old and having sex in my boyfriend's backseat, I would certainly be unfit, but no one would tell me that I couldn't have a child.
I think I have some anger issues I need to work on. I know anger is part of grief, but I'll be damned if I have to live the rest of my life this pissed off.
My ray of sunshine for the day - meeting my IRL infertile friends for dinner tonight.
Heaven help me.
I keep thinking I am better and over this last cycle. But, actually, I just continue to be super pissed off. I mean, like, kind of crazy mad about being infertile. Almost need to be committed mad about being infertile. I never wanted to be that really pissed off woman. However, I look in the mirror and there she is.
Don't get me wrong - I am not that girl who won't acknowledge other people's happiness or cannot be happy for other people. I can be happy for others. It is just harder than it used to be. I am totally over pretending to be happy for pregnant teenagers or people who "weren't planning" to become pregnant. If you aren't preventing, then you are trying, idiot. I have friends who are pregnant and its totally fine. Yes, sometimes it makes me feel awkward to be around those huge bellies - because I feel like this idiot puppy - drooling over what I want. PATHETIC. PATHETIC. But, what can you do but wake up every day and just get over yourself?
We went to an adoption seminar at a church yesterday. We didn't tell anyone we were going - I didn't want any opinions. I still don't want any one's opinions on it. I am not sure what my opinion is on it. I do know that it pisses me off that in order to adopt you have to have some stranger come into your home and evaluate whether you are fit to be parents or not. I mean, really? If I were a crack whore in the local trailer park, I could certainly conceive without the government telling me I was a good enough person to be a mother. If I were freaking 16 years old and having sex in my boyfriend's backseat, I would certainly be unfit, but no one would tell me that I couldn't have a child.
I think I have some anger issues I need to work on. I know anger is part of grief, but I'll be damned if I have to live the rest of my life this pissed off.
My ray of sunshine for the day - meeting my IRL infertile friends for dinner tonight.
Heaven help me.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Titles are a bitch
I couldn't think of a title to this post because, well, really, I don't have much to say.
We had a really busy weekend, and that helps keep my mind occupied. I officially went back to work this week in the office and have scheduled Mon - Wed until April 1st to be here. The first day back I cried a lot (again). Sucks. I think the office makes me more depressed because the people here are so high school and I'm never really sure what they say behind my back. I only have 2 friends at work and that is really rare for me.
I am keeping busy at night enjoying this spring weather (at least for this week) walking with friends or playing tennis.
I guess life goes on.
I think this last cycle was much harder than R or I can even admit. I had all these visions of Dr. K swooping in on a white horse and saving the day. I know, he still could, but, I was so sure it was going to be this first time with him.
I have met several people IRL that go to my doctor lately. One is having her ER tomorrow. I whole heartedly pray for her. One is having a D&C today with a tubal in a tube that was removed last year except for one tiny bit. Yeah, I know - you don't even have to say it. One is recovering from endometriosis surgery where they diagnosed it as stage 4. Again, you don't even have to say it.
I know from where I sit, life could be worse. We could have a much worse diagnosis...way worse things could be happening. This, I know.
However, at what point do you let your heart move on? That is the question we are currently exploring. How much are we willing to afford emotionally? Financially, too, but even in my accountants brain, I have long stopped caring about the money.
In real life, I do try to act happier than I feel inside. I try to carry on normal conversations and put on the face of a normal person. Really, though, I am sad. This is not a path I would have ever chosen, and I try to believe and remind myself that its not my choice and that He will carry me when I can no longer walk.
We had a really busy weekend, and that helps keep my mind occupied. I officially went back to work this week in the office and have scheduled Mon - Wed until April 1st to be here. The first day back I cried a lot (again). Sucks. I think the office makes me more depressed because the people here are so high school and I'm never really sure what they say behind my back. I only have 2 friends at work and that is really rare for me.
I am keeping busy at night enjoying this spring weather (at least for this week) walking with friends or playing tennis.
I guess life goes on.
I think this last cycle was much harder than R or I can even admit. I had all these visions of Dr. K swooping in on a white horse and saving the day. I know, he still could, but, I was so sure it was going to be this first time with him.
I have met several people IRL that go to my doctor lately. One is having her ER tomorrow. I whole heartedly pray for her. One is having a D&C today with a tubal in a tube that was removed last year except for one tiny bit. Yeah, I know - you don't even have to say it. One is recovering from endometriosis surgery where they diagnosed it as stage 4. Again, you don't even have to say it.
I know from where I sit, life could be worse. We could have a much worse diagnosis...way worse things could be happening. This, I know.
However, at what point do you let your heart move on? That is the question we are currently exploring. How much are we willing to afford emotionally? Financially, too, but even in my accountants brain, I have long stopped caring about the money.
In real life, I do try to act happier than I feel inside. I try to carry on normal conversations and put on the face of a normal person. Really, though, I am sad. This is not a path I would have ever chosen, and I try to believe and remind myself that its not my choice and that He will carry me when I can no longer walk.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Monday Blues...on Tuesday
WARNING. SERIOUS CASE OF THE MONDAYS.
Ugh. I went back to the office today. I don't think I've been in since....um...I don't know. I didn't go in more than maybe 3 times in February. Each time I did come in, my chair was missing from my desk. Today, someone was sitting in my seat. And, I basically had to make him move (he wanted me to go sit somewhere else). I mean, seriously? All my shit is here. Move your new to the company ass somewhere else.
It pissed me off.
Everyone keeps asking me where I've been. At home, mother fuckers. Mind your own business. I am not pregnant, again, for the 26th time in a row. Do you want all of the gory details? My ass is still sore from shots that we done in vain. I have the worst cramps of my life. I am bleeding so bad that I feel like I might need a transfusion. Do you want me to cry and tell you all of these extremely personal details? Oh, really, you do? Because we aren't even friends. I've been at home, asshole - now shut your face and go about your business.
Ah well, that made me feel better.
I might go to a prayer group tomorrow with someone I met at my REs office. If the time is OK permitting work and everything. Maybe it will help. I'm definitely more upset about this that I originally thought. Probably, because I had my niece from Thursday until yesterday and she makes me happy and kepy my heart and mind occupied. Wonder what my sister would think if I just stole her? TOTALLY NOT BEING SERIOUS. I haven't gotten so desperate to kidnap....yet.
Ugh. I went back to the office today. I don't think I've been in since....um...I don't know. I didn't go in more than maybe 3 times in February. Each time I did come in, my chair was missing from my desk. Today, someone was sitting in my seat. And, I basically had to make him move (he wanted me to go sit somewhere else). I mean, seriously? All my shit is here. Move your new to the company ass somewhere else.
It pissed me off.
Everyone keeps asking me where I've been. At home, mother fuckers. Mind your own business. I am not pregnant, again, for the 26th time in a row. Do you want all of the gory details? My ass is still sore from shots that we done in vain. I have the worst cramps of my life. I am bleeding so bad that I feel like I might need a transfusion. Do you want me to cry and tell you all of these extremely personal details? Oh, really, you do? Because we aren't even friends. I've been at home, asshole - now shut your face and go about your business.
Ah well, that made me feel better.
I might go to a prayer group tomorrow with someone I met at my REs office. If the time is OK permitting work and everything. Maybe it will help. I'm definitely more upset about this that I originally thought. Probably, because I had my niece from Thursday until yesterday and she makes me happy and kepy my heart and mind occupied. Wonder what my sister would think if I just stole her? TOTALLY NOT BEING SERIOUS. I haven't gotten so desperate to kidnap....yet.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Its been one of those days. It started out pretty good - talked to my mom real quick, jumped on a conference call, then took my time getting started "really" working. Took a shower, had some lunch, invited my neighbor to Bunco next week, received my deliveries from NIKE, found out my best friend is pregnant - after trying for about a year. Yes, I am still envious of her, but, I *patiently* continue my stay God's waiting room, waiting for my number to be called. Then, something else happened. Something that makes me (dare I say it) try to barter with God to please let everything be ok. Out of respect for my family's wish, I will not say what is *wrong* - although we aren't really sure if anything is yet. So, if you know me IRL or virtually, and you have the capacity to add me to yet another one of your prayer lists, please just ask God to bless my family with good health. And if you only have room on your list to pray for me once, I'd prefer you to add the good health item instead of this IVF actually working.
On a more fun note, I had my first tennis team practice tonight. It was fun - and a very nice release from today. I wasn't the best or worst player out there - which was really nice. I got a few good shots in, too :)
Today is day 28 of my cycle...last month I had a 31 day cycle and the month before was 35. Maybe I'll start soon and can start shooting up! One thing I haven't mentioned...is that this month I had a positive ovulation test for 5 days. What the hell? Has anyone else ever had that? Do you know what it means? My nurse told me that she wanted to take note of it, but that it wouldn't effect my protocol. (BTW - should that be effect or affect? I never caught on to that rule in Language Arts...). I watched some videos online of girls doing PIO shots themselves, and must I say that I think I will totally boost my ego if I do that to myself!!! "What huge balls you have, self!!" Hahahahaha.
I have been a little out of touch this week - was in training Monday and Tuesday so wasn't online much (does that imply that I blog at work??) and have been reading but not really commenting or posting. That being said, I want to send some prayers to my fellow "Cycle Sistas" (lukcy girls - yall have a head start on me!) Brenda and Shelby. Also, please give Shelby some love, as she says goodbye to her awesome furry friend.
On a more fun note, I had my first tennis team practice tonight. It was fun - and a very nice release from today. I wasn't the best or worst player out there - which was really nice. I got a few good shots in, too :)
Today is day 28 of my cycle...last month I had a 31 day cycle and the month before was 35. Maybe I'll start soon and can start shooting up! One thing I haven't mentioned...is that this month I had a positive ovulation test for 5 days. What the hell? Has anyone else ever had that? Do you know what it means? My nurse told me that she wanted to take note of it, but that it wouldn't effect my protocol. (BTW - should that be effect or affect? I never caught on to that rule in Language Arts...). I watched some videos online of girls doing PIO shots themselves, and must I say that I think I will totally boost my ego if I do that to myself!!! "What huge balls you have, self!!" Hahahahaha.
I have been a little out of touch this week - was in training Monday and Tuesday so wasn't online much (does that imply that I blog at work??) and have been reading but not really commenting or posting. That being said, I want to send some prayers to my fellow "Cycle Sistas" (lukcy girls - yall have a head start on me!) Brenda and Shelby. Also, please give Shelby some love, as she says goodbye to her awesome furry friend.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Praying for Grace
Today is Tuesday. Yep - I've been the proud recipient of 3 pregnancy announcements this week. I hate feeling sad when someone tells me they are expecting. I would NEVER be-grudge anyone the happiness related to such news. I just feel so sad for me and R when I hear it. My friend at work told me today that they are expecting. They had a miscarriage this summer and he talked to me about it then and we both cried. Today, he was so sweet and compassionate. I really appreciated his approach at letting me know. We went for a walk outside and he seemed so nervous. What a true and caring friend to have such heart with me when it is such a happy time for him.
I am still sad for myself, though, and for the struggles we are facing. I keep telling myself - 'Everyone has hardships in their own journey's. I wouldn't trade mine for someone else's. I'd rather walk in these VERY UNCOMFORTABLE shoes that I know - than to ever say I'd rather be walking the path of anyone else.' I mean that, too. But some days, it's OK to daydream, right? I wish it was me telling someone that we were expecting. On days like this, it is helpful to me to re-read a Daily Devotion I received back in July:
Devotion:
“How wonderful!!!” I exclaimed! “I am so happy for you!” This was my response to the breaking news that friends of ours from North Carolina had sold their house after it had been on the market for twenty days.
To them it had been a long twenty days. Houses are normally snatched up quickly in their neck of the woods. In our shaky Michigan economy, however, it takes a bit longer. In fact, on the day she announced that her home now sported a sold sign, we turned another page on our calendar marking how long our house had been for sale. Not twenty days, but twenty months to be exact. Although I was genuinely thrilled for her, I was also a tad green with jealousy.
I refer to it as answer envy. It is that “poor me” mentality that creeps into my heart when God answers someone else’s prayers more quickly than mine. Or when He responds with a “yes” when my answer seems to be a “no” or at least a “not right now.” I’ve had my fair share of answer envy outbreaks over the years and at all stages of life.
As a child, I was envious of the kids who came from two-parent homes while I resided in a family torn apart by divorce. No matter how hard I folded my little hands and prayed to God, He just didn’t make my daddy come back to us.
In high school, it was other girls’ good looks, cute clothes or even cute boyfriends that I longed for. Instead, I was granted average looks and donned department store blue-light-special fashions. And, as sports editor of our school paper, although I was every guy’s pal, I was usually nobody’s gal.
In college, I envied those whose prayers for a night in shining armor, complete with sparkly diamond ring, were answered while I remained single. Once married, I struggled with miscarriage and dashed dreams of motherhood. So, for five long years, I slapped a smile on my face to mask my broken heart and attended yet another pale pink or baby blue church shower.
Over the years I have discovered that the cure for answer envy is not always easy because I must play an active role in my own healing. What I need is a shift in perspective. When I “call to God” as encouraged in today’s verse, I must trust that He will keep His word. He will tell me “great and unsearchable things” that I do not know. Sometimes those things are the answers to my request. However, do you know what those great and unsearchable things more often are? They are the reasons He seems not to be answering my original request!
So, instead of only begging God to “sell my house” or “take away my pain” or “fix my kid,” I need also to ask myself some questions. Questions like, “What is my Creator trying to teach me that I might never learn if He were to suddenly pluck me out of this situation?” Or, “What character qualities is He trying to grow in me? Patience, trust, compassion, contentment?”
Not available in quick microwave form, the cure for answer envy must be cultivated moment by moment. We must believe that God will answer. He will clearly say “yes”, “no”, or “not right now.” He is able, ready and willing to answer our prayers—here is the catch—as He sees fit and to grow us to be more like His Son in the process.
So, our “for sale” sign has remained and I continue my stay in God’s waiting room. However, I now know this to be true: I must not merely seek the answer to my prayer. Instead, I must seek a deeper relationship with the answer Giver.
I pray for the strength to be happy, even though I have no idea if I will ever be a parent, to be a friend even when my heart is breaking. I pray that I can sit in God's waiting room for as long as he needs me to and that I learn the lessons of my life in a way that will please Him. I pray to never be a bitter person. Mostly, I pray for Grace during this rough chapter in our lives and after we have closed this chapter.
I am still sad for myself, though, and for the struggles we are facing. I keep telling myself - 'Everyone has hardships in their own journey's. I wouldn't trade mine for someone else's. I'd rather walk in these VERY UNCOMFORTABLE shoes that I know - than to ever say I'd rather be walking the path of anyone else.' I mean that, too. But some days, it's OK to daydream, right? I wish it was me telling someone that we were expecting. On days like this, it is helpful to me to re-read a Daily Devotion I received back in July:
Devotion:
“How wonderful!!!” I exclaimed! “I am so happy for you!” This was my response to the breaking news that friends of ours from North Carolina had sold their house after it had been on the market for twenty days.
To them it had been a long twenty days. Houses are normally snatched up quickly in their neck of the woods. In our shaky Michigan economy, however, it takes a bit longer. In fact, on the day she announced that her home now sported a sold sign, we turned another page on our calendar marking how long our house had been for sale. Not twenty days, but twenty months to be exact. Although I was genuinely thrilled for her, I was also a tad green with jealousy.
I refer to it as answer envy. It is that “poor me” mentality that creeps into my heart when God answers someone else’s prayers more quickly than mine. Or when He responds with a “yes” when my answer seems to be a “no” or at least a “not right now.” I’ve had my fair share of answer envy outbreaks over the years and at all stages of life.
As a child, I was envious of the kids who came from two-parent homes while I resided in a family torn apart by divorce. No matter how hard I folded my little hands and prayed to God, He just didn’t make my daddy come back to us.
In high school, it was other girls’ good looks, cute clothes or even cute boyfriends that I longed for. Instead, I was granted average looks and donned department store blue-light-special fashions. And, as sports editor of our school paper, although I was every guy’s pal, I was usually nobody’s gal.
In college, I envied those whose prayers for a night in shining armor, complete with sparkly diamond ring, were answered while I remained single. Once married, I struggled with miscarriage and dashed dreams of motherhood. So, for five long years, I slapped a smile on my face to mask my broken heart and attended yet another pale pink or baby blue church shower.
Over the years I have discovered that the cure for answer envy is not always easy because I must play an active role in my own healing. What I need is a shift in perspective. When I “call to God” as encouraged in today’s verse, I must trust that He will keep His word. He will tell me “great and unsearchable things” that I do not know. Sometimes those things are the answers to my request. However, do you know what those great and unsearchable things more often are? They are the reasons He seems not to be answering my original request!
So, instead of only begging God to “sell my house” or “take away my pain” or “fix my kid,” I need also to ask myself some questions. Questions like, “What is my Creator trying to teach me that I might never learn if He were to suddenly pluck me out of this situation?” Or, “What character qualities is He trying to grow in me? Patience, trust, compassion, contentment?”
Not available in quick microwave form, the cure for answer envy must be cultivated moment by moment. We must believe that God will answer. He will clearly say “yes”, “no”, or “not right now.” He is able, ready and willing to answer our prayers—here is the catch—as He sees fit and to grow us to be more like His Son in the process.
So, our “for sale” sign has remained and I continue my stay in God’s waiting room. However, I now know this to be true: I must not merely seek the answer to my prayer. Instead, I must seek a deeper relationship with the answer Giver.
I pray for the strength to be happy, even though I have no idea if I will ever be a parent, to be a friend even when my heart is breaking. I pray that I can sit in God's waiting room for as long as he needs me to and that I learn the lessons of my life in a way that will please Him. I pray to never be a bitter person. Mostly, I pray for Grace during this rough chapter in our lives and after we have closed this chapter.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Wednesday of Birthday Week
Well, today is Wednesday of Birthday Week. Its been a rather un-Birthday like week, though :( Work is INSANE and even though it's 11PM, I should still be working. I just didn't have it in me anymore. I meant to call the chiropractor today and ran out of time. I am only going to work a 1/2 day on Friday, so, I hope she can see me early afternoon time.
Brenda - I've been working in the office all week - so, don't be jealous of my typical work from home practices :) I am going in every day this week - it's a pretty major accomplishment!! What a slacker I am. I also need to go in Monday - Wednesday next week - our Global Leadership team will be in town, so, its all about the face time, ya know? Thank goodness Zoloft has brought back the old Tara I once knew. I now recognize her and realize how much I've missed her. That makes me sound like a split personality freak - but you know what I mean. I no longer feel like I have a black cloud surrounding me.
I'm excited about this weekend - we should have a good time with friends and family. We are having people over to watch the UGA vs. Auburn game (Go Dawgs!!). Its kinda lame, but, its what we do as UGA alum. My birthday pretty much falls on this weekend every year. I've learned to live with this.
I always thought I would be upset about 30. But, actually, I am looking forward to this birthday more than I have in several years! I had a hard time with 25...and ever since then, birthdays have been just kinda anticlimactic. This year, I don't know if its the anticipation of the present I will get from R (we do big 30 birthday gifts - typically we do no gifts for birthdays), or the anticipation of a new year - with a new doctor, new insurance, new hope...a new outlook. That's right, 11/15 is my New Year's!!!!
So, in case I don't talk to you before then - I'll raise my glass to all of my new "friends" on Saturday. And if you can't drink this weekend, don't worry, I'll drink one for you. After all, that's what friends are for, right?
Thank you, ladies, for providing me such a great outlet and great support these past months.
Cheers to you - and of course, Happy New Year!!!
Brenda - I've been working in the office all week - so, don't be jealous of my typical work from home practices :) I am going in every day this week - it's a pretty major accomplishment!! What a slacker I am. I also need to go in Monday - Wednesday next week - our Global Leadership team will be in town, so, its all about the face time, ya know? Thank goodness Zoloft has brought back the old Tara I once knew. I now recognize her and realize how much I've missed her. That makes me sound like a split personality freak - but you know what I mean. I no longer feel like I have a black cloud surrounding me.
I'm excited about this weekend - we should have a good time with friends and family. We are having people over to watch the UGA vs. Auburn game (Go Dawgs!!). Its kinda lame, but, its what we do as UGA alum. My birthday pretty much falls on this weekend every year. I've learned to live with this.
I always thought I would be upset about 30. But, actually, I am looking forward to this birthday more than I have in several years! I had a hard time with 25...and ever since then, birthdays have been just kinda anticlimactic. This year, I don't know if its the anticipation of the present I will get from R (we do big 30 birthday gifts - typically we do no gifts for birthdays), or the anticipation of a new year - with a new doctor, new insurance, new hope...a new outlook. That's right, 11/15 is my New Year's!!!!
So, in case I don't talk to you before then - I'll raise my glass to all of my new "friends" on Saturday. And if you can't drink this weekend, don't worry, I'll drink one for you. After all, that's what friends are for, right?
Thank you, ladies, for providing me such a great outlet and great support these past months.
Cheers to you - and of course, Happy New Year!!!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
I've been MIA
So, I should be doing my Show and Tell, but, I think I only have one post in me tonight. I've been MIA...and there is no excuse. Not much has been going on - and I've certainly been keeping up with all of you. Our last negative was certainly more difficult and has taken us longer to recover from than either of us expected or wanted to admit. This whole waiting until January thing is so frustrating to me. I feel like we are in the exact same place as we were last year. We were waiting to meet with our RE in January. Here we are again. I know we have learned a lot over the past 10 months, but damn if it doesn't piss me off that we are no better off now than 1 year ago. Clearly, my annoyance is shining through.
I did at home Ov tests this month and didn't ever get a positive result. That was very frustrating. What's more - is that I will probably have a perfect 28 day cycle. How does that work? I've always been clock work regular - how can that be if there is never an egg?
I met a chiropractor, who is a friend of a friend. She is very "into" holistic practices. I talked to her in depth about my situation and am planning to go see her next week. She said there are some dietary changes I can make to help prepare my body for an IVF cycle in January. I've mailed my records from RE#1 to RE#2 (Dr. K). Dr. K is going to do some blood work (FSH and I think AMH) with my December cycle.
I'm slammed at work, which is good. I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. This week will be another crazy work week, too...and the big 3-0 is Saturday.
All in all, I should not be as pissed off about this as I am. I just feel like we've made ZERO progress - and then I read all kinds of IF related blogs, etc and realize I am not even as educated about this IF stuff as I thought. I don't know what all else to ask Dr. K to test me for in December. Any suggestions?
I did at home Ov tests this month and didn't ever get a positive result. That was very frustrating. What's more - is that I will probably have a perfect 28 day cycle. How does that work? I've always been clock work regular - how can that be if there is never an egg?
I met a chiropractor, who is a friend of a friend. She is very "into" holistic practices. I talked to her in depth about my situation and am planning to go see her next week. She said there are some dietary changes I can make to help prepare my body for an IVF cycle in January. I've mailed my records from RE#1 to RE#2 (Dr. K). Dr. K is going to do some blood work (FSH and I think AMH) with my December cycle.
I'm slammed at work, which is good. I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. This week will be another crazy work week, too...and the big 3-0 is Saturday.
All in all, I should not be as pissed off about this as I am. I just feel like we've made ZERO progress - and then I read all kinds of IF related blogs, etc and realize I am not even as educated about this IF stuff as I thought. I don't know what all else to ask Dr. K to test me for in December. Any suggestions?
Monday, October 27, 2008
Manic Monday
Let me tell you how much I love Mel's open bar :) An open bar is always where I want to be...
Yesterday, I went to see WICKED. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. Yesterday was actually the 2nd time I've seen it, and it was just as fabulous as the first. It's a great story. I went with pretty much all of the women on my Mom's side of the family. It was fun, but we really didn't get a whole lot of "girl time" in. Oh, well, it was great to see everyone.
This morning, I tried to turn over a new leaf. Lately, I have been working from home entirely too much and have been getting up at, oh, 9AM and getting to work at 9:02. Not really the over achiever I once was. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a morning person. But, I've felt pretty slack-ish lately. Today, I got up around 8:30 and was online at 8:45. I have to admit, I think that's an October best. (SAD!!!). I am going to the office tomorrow. Hopefully, I will make it there before 9!!!
Also this morning, R got home about 8:30 or so. (He works nights). We have a stray cat that we officially claimed as ours last Christmas and have since spent ~$1,000 on :) - see Show and Tell from a couple weeks ago. WE HAVE A NEW KITTEN - not kidding. He's on our garage and has been in the engine of my car all day. We tried to get him out, but, he kept getting back in. Our first cat we named Garfield. This new kitty, yep, you guessed it, I have started calling him Odie. We're original, I know :) Its supposed to get into the 30's here tonight, so, we didn't open the garage all day. I don't want him to get out and freeze. Hopefully, tomorrow morning, he will get out of my engine before I leave for work. He is super cute - almost black but when we shined the light on him he had some brown perfectly mixed in. HAHA - he has brown highlights. I have no idea if its a girl or boy - I just keep calling it a He since I named it Odie :) I hope he will stay around - and I'll post his picture if he does :)
Maybe this is a new beginning. New life into our life. I love trying to see "Signs" in totally random incidents.
Yesterday, I went to see WICKED. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. Yesterday was actually the 2nd time I've seen it, and it was just as fabulous as the first. It's a great story. I went with pretty much all of the women on my Mom's side of the family. It was fun, but we really didn't get a whole lot of "girl time" in. Oh, well, it was great to see everyone.
This morning, I tried to turn over a new leaf. Lately, I have been working from home entirely too much and have been getting up at, oh, 9AM and getting to work at 9:02. Not really the over achiever I once was. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a morning person. But, I've felt pretty slack-ish lately. Today, I got up around 8:30 and was online at 8:45. I have to admit, I think that's an October best. (SAD!!!). I am going to the office tomorrow. Hopefully, I will make it there before 9!!!
Also this morning, R got home about 8:30 or so. (He works nights). We have a stray cat that we officially claimed as ours last Christmas and have since spent ~$1,000 on :) - see Show and Tell from a couple weeks ago. WE HAVE A NEW KITTEN - not kidding. He's on our garage and has been in the engine of my car all day. We tried to get him out, but, he kept getting back in. Our first cat we named Garfield. This new kitty, yep, you guessed it, I have started calling him Odie. We're original, I know :) Its supposed to get into the 30's here tonight, so, we didn't open the garage all day. I don't want him to get out and freeze. Hopefully, tomorrow morning, he will get out of my engine before I leave for work. He is super cute - almost black but when we shined the light on him he had some brown perfectly mixed in. HAHA - he has brown highlights. I have no idea if its a girl or boy - I just keep calling it a He since I named it Odie :) I hope he will stay around - and I'll post his picture if he does :)
Maybe this is a new beginning. New life into our life. I love trying to see "Signs" in totally random incidents.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Hoping for a better tomorrow
I couldn't sleep last night. I thought that once I created this blog, that the words would just tumble out of my mouth. But, when I decided to take the plunge last night, I ended up in tears over just naming the blog!!!!
I finally decided on Divine Secrets of the Infertility Sisterhood. Mostly, because that is my favorite book. Another favorite of mine is To Kill a Mockingbird...but To Kill an Infertile Mockingbird just sounded a little suicidal, in my opinion. I like the Divine Secrets title though, as I have discussed with a friend how this infertility nightmare does feel like a terrible sorority that I joined, against my will. I feel like this sorority is hell week for an indefinite number of weeks - never letting up and always trying to crush me (physically, emotionally, spiritually).
This is my first (well, including my post last night, technically second) attempt at Blogging. I have to admit it's pretty intimidating - laying it all out there for the whole world to read. I am really hoping that this will be an outlet for me express feelings that I can't seem to speak. I hope that I won't be too intimidated to write my true feelings, in this medium where anyone can read about our journey, criticize choices I've made or be anything other than kind. I have write this blog for me - and only for me.
So, here I sit at my kitchen table, hoping that tomorrow I will cry less and write more. That I will start my period so that I can begin yet another month of infertility treatment. That I will not avoid calls from my friends who care about me because I find it too painful to even attempt to engage in a normal conversation. Here I sit, hoping for a better tomorrow.
I finally decided on Divine Secrets of the Infertility Sisterhood. Mostly, because that is my favorite book. Another favorite of mine is To Kill a Mockingbird...but To Kill an Infertile Mockingbird just sounded a little suicidal, in my opinion. I like the Divine Secrets title though, as I have discussed with a friend how this infertility nightmare does feel like a terrible sorority that I joined, against my will. I feel like this sorority is hell week for an indefinite number of weeks - never letting up and always trying to crush me (physically, emotionally, spiritually).
This is my first (well, including my post last night, technically second) attempt at Blogging. I have to admit it's pretty intimidating - laying it all out there for the whole world to read. I am really hoping that this will be an outlet for me express feelings that I can't seem to speak. I hope that I won't be too intimidated to write my true feelings, in this medium where anyone can read about our journey, criticize choices I've made or be anything other than kind. I have write this blog for me - and only for me.
So, here I sit at my kitchen table, hoping that tomorrow I will cry less and write more. That I will start my period so that I can begin yet another month of infertility treatment. That I will not avoid calls from my friends who care about me because I find it too painful to even attempt to engage in a normal conversation. Here I sit, hoping for a better tomorrow.
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