On Sins and Heartaches

You always have the same effect on me.

I dont know which person am I referring to, but it's all coming back to me now. The sadness, helplessness, and longingness for that person to stay.

You always manage to make me smile, the same way you make me forget about all the good things in my life. You make me feel complete, but when you're gone, you make me feel miserable.

I survived this feeling about 3 years ago. Back then i never thought it would end up like this again. You are a different person now. Literally a different person now - with that same effect on me.

I dont know what to think of or what is the right thing to feel. I want to stop, but my brat sense won't listen.

I am becoming overly unfair. Unfair to myself, unfair to my partner, unfair to you.

Just last day, i committed 3 of the deadliest sin i could ever think of: 1. cheat, 2. think of someone else when you're already with someone, and 3. destroy one's self.

Please stop.

Or should i ask God to lead me to the way? Of course i should not hurry. But can someone teach me how to focus my mind on something else?

God, i am truly sorry. After all the things You've done and given to me and my family, here i am, committing the greatest sin of my life over and over again. I am afraid of karma, and i fear You. Can You help me surpass this? It's dreading to be in this situation.

Finally, hey, I will miss you. Yeah sure, you told me you're sad because you're leaving soon. But please dont give me false hope. Or at least help me move on and forget you. After all, i barely know you.

I WILL MISS YOU.

I feel...

Bored.

First time ever to feel bored while in front of the computer and whole world wide web. I seem not to have anything to do, but of course in reality, i have so much in store to do. I just dont like doing them. Just like a 6-year old brat, i am now throwing my tantrums.

Fat.

I can now feel the lines around my waist and tummy. These lines that never really came into place for the longest time. Or should i say, since 3rd year college. Indeed, each day is my fattest day.

Happy.

Yeah men. Even the most emo post can tell you the writer's happy. Happy because... i can now laugh truly, madly, deeply. Happy that i can now feel that adjustments are now coming into place.

Bobo.

Because i can not think the way i am thinking before. I now can not pretend to be profound.

Sleep deprived.
Alcohol running trhough my veins.

These perhaps are the reasons why.

Am sad. I need ... (thinking for the right word for ahh 5mins) meditation (yeah that's the word) in a far flung place.

Please Dont Worry About Me I'm Fine

I wanted to write something but my mind is so lost that even I can not express what I am feeling. I can not put into words the emotions that are overpowering me.

Ilang araw at gabi na rin akong mabigat ang loob. Ang bigat. Ayoko na nga isipin kung ano man gumugulo sa isip ko kasi hindi ko naman maayos, disorganized talaga eh. Gusto ko umisip ng solusyon pero i feel so numb and stupid and drained to even think about it.

Napansin ko, puro emo yung mga nalalagay ko dito. Ayoko na nga sana maging emo eh. Pero pag masaya kasi ako, i rarely find time to even share them to you. Para kasing ang bilis nangyayari. UNFAIR! Kapag masayang emotions sandali lang sa isip ko, pero kapag malungkot, kagaya nito, sobrang tagal.

Alam ko na! Negative akong tao.

Or perhaps, naging negative akong tao.

I lost the optimism that i once had. I lost the hopefulness, cheerfulness, and the strong person that i was once with.

Masyado akong nag-iisip. Kung ano ano lang. Simpleng bagay pinapalala ko.

I wanted to get out of this. But how?

I don't have a problem. Actually, i do. But it's a problem that only i can understand and therefore only I can solve.

On other thoughts, I must admit, I am enjoying my stint in RCBC now. I am beginning to treasure my new found friends. Lagi kami umiinom. Lagi kaming tumatawa. Everyday kami magkasama. Yun nga lang, hindi pa rin ako nakakamove on. Hinahanap ko pa rin kasi yung mga high school at college friends ko. Every time may event or lalabas sila na wala ako, sobrang nalulungkot ko. I feel so different, so out of place, so out of our previous world.

I miss my happy self.

But i dont even know what or who brought me into this state of mind. I don't wanna blame anyone. Siguro nga isa sila sa mga dahilan kung bakit negative ako ngayon pero still, dapat ako ang may last say. Dapat hindi ako bumigay o sumuko o nagbago dahil sa kanila.

They are all part of the challenge which I feel i am currently losing.

Sana makabawi pa ako.

Ang haba ng post. Again, please don't worry about me im fine.

Friday Solitude

Solitude is a state of seclusion or isolation, i.e. lack of contact with people or love. It may stem from bad relationships, deliberate choice, contagious disease, disfiguring features, repulsive personal habits, mental illness, or circumstances of employment or situation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solitude

I am alone, Friday night.

Solitude seems to love me so much that it doesn't want to leave me for the time being. Friday night, clubbing nights, enjoy nights - to me, it's an empty night.

Parang sira ulo. Kanina, gusto kong mag-isa. Ayoko muna ng maraming tao at ayokong makipag-usap sa iba. Sobra ang antok ko kaya pinili ko na lang ang maging mag-isa sa kwarto - iniwan ko lahat ng tao sa labas ng sarili ko. Ayoko ng BA friends, ayoko muna kay Q, ayoko sa lahat.

Pero bakit ngayon, MAG-ISA PA RIN AKO?

Ang labo. I chose to be alone but it seemed that i don't have a choice but to be alone. Or better yet, did i have a choice in the first place? Can i not avoid this? Labo.

Got a couple of things to do. Read Blue Ocean Strategy, fix my clothes, heal myself (yuck), and a lot more.

Masama lang siguro ang gising ko.

I am not as especial as i thought i were.

Thanks God. Thanks solitude. I should learn to love you now.

Antz

Early this afternoon, i contemplated on something not worthy of my time - what other creature i can put my shoes on.

I haven't seen the movie Antz (another one on my animated movie list), and i wonder what kind of life they have.

Gusto kong maging Ant (Langgam/Hantik/Guyam). Ang simple ng buhay nila. Kagaya ng ibang species, food lang ang number 1 problem nila. Oh, may defense pa pala. Parang yung dalawa lang ang dahilan ng existence nila. Survival of the fittest. And ang ant, palagi pang may kasama sa food-gathering sessions nila. Naa-address nito yung need for food and need to defend themselves.

But where's the sense of this post? Hindi ko rin alam. Gusto kong mag-let go ng sama ng loob sa mundo pero i got stuck in my train of thoughts. See, i am so affected. Parang hindi gumagana utak ko.

Ang daming kong problema. Pero nagi-guilty ako kasi kumpara sa ibang Pilipino, napaka-cheap lang ng problema ko.

-----
Accounts payable/utang/obligation/dues. Kahit pa anong itawag dyan, marami ako nyan. Ang nakakainis kasi, hindi ko alam kung pano tatapusin ito or paano iiwasan ito.

A thought heard from some a.m. radio station, hindi tayo dapat mangutang, dapat sama sama tayong magtiis

This was, i think, told by a mother to her sons/daughters about getting loans. Nice thought. Pero hindi naman ako nangutang. Nope, i'm not saying na hindi ako nangungutang. Of course i do, yung iba nga hindi ko pa bayad. Pero this A/P eh hindi ko inutang. It just came out from somewhere. Responsibilities sa org. Dami ko kasing position sa org - 1 acad, 1 prov. And at this point, parang sinisira nito ang pag-iisip ko. Ang dami kong A/P sa kanila.

Hindi ko talaga maalis yung isip ko sa A/P ko sa YP*. Ang dami ko na nga due from other requirement especially sa graduation, umeextra pa itong mga org ko. Grabe, lubog ako sa acad org ko. At hindi ako nangutang take note.

Kanina nga, naisip ko lang bigla, sa jeep, i want to quit. It's not helping me anymore. I need to give up on something. Ayoko namang mainis lang sa akin ang maraming tao dahil hindi ko ma-fulfill yung dues ko. They will never seem to understand. They will never know what i have right now. They just don't care. For them, it's professionalism. For me, it's just plain poverty.

I know, inako ko yung responsibilities. Pero hindi ko na-predict na darating sa ganitong point.

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I am pressured by something that i can't seem to avoid or resist. It's that one thing that causes too much worries. I'm not sure why but i don't know why i just can't control. It's not manipulation but i kinda feel a little of that something.

Magulo. Parang wala akong direction. Caught off guard in the world, and by the world, i am right now. Namimiss ko kabataan ko. Before, iiyak lang ako, andyan na sila to the rescue! Parang mga superheroes. Ngayon kaya may superman, spiderman, o powerpuff girls na magse-save sakin? Ang tagal nyo.

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Sadness and insanity seem to love me so much. They don't want to leave me for a long time.

Mama, Ate Vicky,

Namimiss ko kayo terribly. Namimiss ko yung mga times na alam kong you're there for me. Ngayon kasi, parang, parang lang naman, hindi nyo ako matulungan. Parang pare-pareho tayong walang magawa. Gusto ko ng shelter. Hindi yung pang DSWD shelter for the street children ah? Gusto ko ng motherly image na binibigay nyo. Minsan parang gusto kong umuwi na lang dyan at isumbong sa inyo ang lahat nang nagpapahirap sa akin. Pero, wala eh. Matanda na ako.


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Life sucks. Do ants also say this kaya? Wow conio.

Lucky them, they don't seem to have so much angst about this world. They just have to collect their supply for the rainy season, and exert the best effort to avoid terminators, slippers, and all life-threatening factors, and presto!

I envy them. I envy all creatures who seem to enjoy the world even with its flaws. I also envy my previous self, that someone who sees the world positively - never loses hope, drinks at every problem, and smokes away all challenges.

Kanina pala sa jeep, nagbigay ako ng 10-peso coin dun sa pulubi. Naawa lang ako. Gusto ko naman syang matulungan kahit papano. Pero emo mode lang siguro ako kanina kaya ginawa ko yun. Sorry sa mga darating na pulubi!

I need to seek some psychological counsel, spiritual guidance perhaps. Naiinggit na kasi ako sa langgam eh, iba na 'to.

*(I won't tell what this is)

I Hate Endings

Reasons why i hate endings:

• That's it. Nothing follows.
• I'm always left behind. I always find it difficult to move on.
• Endings are always sad. I really don't believe in happy endings.

Previous endings i hated (the ones I remember, at the least):

• The end of my OJT in SEAIR. (At least here, I've already moved on.)
• High School Grad
• a looooooot more. TMTM

Endings i hate and i fear:

• this sem
• this school year
• YOU

_________________________

I always picture our relationship as the "happy" one. A healthy one, where quarrels and arguments are the usual things. I was too confident that we, at least you, are mature enough not to end the relationship just because we fought and didn't agree on some things.

These recent events, however, are different. You've changed. I'm not sure if it's only you, but i'm certain that you changed. Gone are the days when you're the one who comforts me.

I miss those days when i always feel that you are the shelter that i have always looked for.

I admit, i might be too self-centered. Thoughts only centered around my feelings - my aches, my sufferings, myself. You might not have changed. Maybe it's just me. This too-selfish me.

I sincerely regret the things i said. I'm not sure, though, if you think that i voiced it out only because i'm mad and that i didn't really mean it, but, it's too late. It's all been said and done.

_________________________

I always had a problem on expressing my thoughts. Oftentimes, they just come out of my mouth, without even consulting what's in my head nor my heart. But it's out of the question now. IT CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH. I hope, you, did not take it seriously.

_________________________

This one's the ending I (insert-superlative-adjective-for-regret) feared to happen.

i don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow. i just wish that no matter what happens, neither of us go home broken. it's been 8 months. i wish we could still count, together, until 8 years.

i cant continue with my countdown to christmas and my birthday. not now...