Hella Stella

So this job stuff has gone completely nuts. It's moving fast.

I became unhappy about my work earlier this week. Yesterday I had an interview, which went swimmingly. Today I seem to have a very cool offer for a short work term, but management has to agree to let me go. Management seems to have remembered that I am a really good employee, and they are nervous. So I still don't know where I will end up.

This whole situation is teaching me about an oft-hidden aspect of my personality:

If they don't let me take the job, they will have a full blown, claws out, teeth bared, smackdown of a fight on their hands. Why? Because when things grate on my nerves, I morph into an unpleasant person to deal with. I can feel a growl inside of me and the volume is growing. I am not scared of my managers, and I am not scared of my managers' managers. I am ready to metaphorically tackle each and every one of them until they submit and call me Madam.

In fact, this part of my personality could well be illustrated by a terrible movie I haven't even watched all the way through: Transformers.

I am a normal, reliable car. I can get people from Point A to Point B. You can count on me to do my job without guzzling too much gas. I'm even fun to drive.

However, if you fuck with me, I turn into a giant, ass-kicking robot alien that will eat you alive. Dig?

In less terrifying news, I'll be in the studio all weekend making pretty music with some of my favourite people. I have no plans to kick anyone's ass into next week while I'm there. I will return to my zen state and enjoy the calm before Monday hits.

So. How are you doing?

Happy Sunday!

Thanks for all your encouraging comments on the last post. I think I'll just push through the craziness of the next few months and then prioritize getting a good songwriting space together. Whatever will be will be.

I know I had said my nutty work hours were over, but I'll actually be working late shifts for the next ten days or so.... Then it's REALLY over. Holy crap, it's been a long haul.

Luckily the shifts aren't quite as lengthy as they were before, so at least I've had a bit of a social life. Last night I even put on lipstick, slipped on a leather vest and drank pink champagne with some of my favourite people. It's fun making conversation with someone other than my dog or my co-workers. Also: leather vest! Fun!

Today my BH and I are going on a hot coffee date, followed by some hot grocery shopping and some hot dinner making. When you barely see your partner, everything suddenly seems exciting.

Hope you are all having a great weekend!

The end is in sight! I'll have a day off in... Two weeks. Hey, that's better than nothing.

Today was both good and bad. Good because I got a chance to clean the house as well as rack up some much-needed hangout time with my guy. Bad because my co-worker was kind enough to drop me off at home and we got rear-ended on the way there. We're both okay, but the car is a little bruised. I feel like a jerk, but I guess it's really the fault of the jackass with bad brakes who drove into us at a red light.

Now I'm just unwinding by watching figure skating. Funny, because I turned on the TV to watch curling, but I think I just got distracted. By BH is passed out on the couch, recovering from a very grueling 12-hour shift. Morty is hanging out between his feet, perhaps waiting to ruin our future chances at having children.

I think I'll do another load of laundry and call it a night. When I'm done these crazy shifts, I plan to drink myself into a crawl. At least you'll get a juicy post out of that, hey? Drunken revelry! Doesn't get any more blogworthy.

The shifts are starting to take a toll on me mentally. My body is okay, but my brain is a little shaky.

Some examples:

Yesterday, I got news that my workload would triple near the end of my shift. I started to sing a little song to myself at my desk. The lyrics are as follows: "Fuck fuck fuckity fuck, fuckballs." Then I cried a bit on the inside.

My back hurt so I lay down on the floor and rolled around for a while. A new coworker chose that moment to walk by. I waved at him and kept on rolling.

My desk is a disaster, but I get stressed out thinking about cleaning it, so it stays the way it is.

I actually growl when I open bad e-mails. I growl like Morty does when he's trying to protect me from something. Since my "office" is in the middle of a big open room, most of the folks on my floor can hear me. I've stopped caring.

At least the month is halfway done, and that means my long shifts will end soon. I plan to treat myself to some new clothes when I'm finished. Lord knows I'll be getting a bit extra on that overtime cheque.

How are you doing, Internet folks? Tell me some good news. PLEASE.

Hey! The shifts are balancing out. I work 10 hours a day, every day.

Yup.

Ways I am coping:

1. Packing good, giant lunches. Making sure they contain both chocolate and... Chocolate. I will not lie. My veins are full of the stuff.

2. Ordering small, beautiful items off Etsy. I'm far from breaking the bank, but looking at pretty art and buying the odd piece (usually under $15) makes me feel sane. Also, I can daydream about decorating my house with said items. A brain break, for sure.

3. Planning the Japan trip. Okay, so I'm more just thinking about seeing our host, M-A, and eating amazing food. Eventually my plans will become more specific. I should really buy a ticket soon.

4. Snuggling my puppy at night. My BH is working a lot of overnight shifts, so Morty gets the bulk of my affection these days. Hopefully my BH won't have grown a beard by the time I see him next.

5. Booking gigs. I've got a bunch I'll post to my music web site soon - they're good ones, folks! It will be a fun spring.

xo
Stella

Hello Internet.

Wow, It's Saturday! Time sure flies when you live at the office.

I guess that makes tomorrow Valentine's Day... ? It's a good thing my BH and I don't really celebrate it. Otherwise we'd be up shit creek without a bouquet of roses.

I suspect that Valentine's Day would be really fun if we had kids. But as it stands, my guy makes me chocolate desserts every other week, and I leave him cheesy love notes every other day. No hard feelings, Valentine's Day.

Although, seeing as how I'll be spending tomorrow with my co-workers, perhaps I'll bring in something baked and chocolaty after all. Nothing says "You're my co-worker!" like a fudge cake and a plate of cookies. Incidentally, those two things also say "I'm going to make myself chubbier, and I'm going to have a fun time doing it!"

I'm holding up okay with the crazy shift work. My back is sore from sitting and typing, but it could be worse. I did have the misfortune of watching the news when Nodar Kumaritashvili was thrown off his sled, and to my surprise, the network replayed the accident several times before they realized that he actually died. Nothing brings down your day like watching a young guy get killed on national television. I still feel nauseous thinking about it.

In more cheerful news, I received an unexpected deposit from SOCAN full of delicious songwriting royalties. The amount was far higher than I was expected, maybe from the Vinyl Cafe broadcast. I'm thrilled. It's going into the Japan fund.

Signing off for now....
Stella

I have a minute or two to write, so I'm gonna.

Bangs:

I like them, and I don't.

I like the way they look... I've been sporting the non-bang cut for ages, and it's fun to try something different. That being said, I am a total whiner about having to actually STYLE anything on my head, other than a quick brush and a splash of anti-frizz goo. Megan is an angel and she's lent me her flat iron, but y'know.... That means I have to actually do stuff to my hair. Jury's out.

Funeral:

That funeral I went to was a bit of a freak show.

I went to support a friend of mine - it was her mother's funeral. We haven't seen each other in a decade actually, but we were good friends in high school. I knew she was estranged from her mother on and off over the years. I expected some drama. What I wasn't expecting was the level of drama. Grown ups acting like children, name calling, her family basically pretending she didn't exist, sibling bullshit. I'm glad I went, because other than myself and another girl from high school, she had nobody there for her.

It made me glad that my family is not drastically dysfunctional. We're just weird.

It also made me realize how comfortable I am around old friends. People who have known me for a long time already know my quirks and my sense of humour. It's surprisingly relaxing to know that I'm not going to accidentally offend someone who's expecting me to be different than I am. I suppose I didn't really realize that I get stressed out about such things.

Work:

Typing for 10+ hours a day is already ruining my body - shoulder muscles in particular. It's only the beginning of Crazy Month. I'd better get used to it, and fast.

Music:

Last week, I wrote a long-ish letter to a songwriter who I really admire. We've shared a gig in the past, so I'm not a total stranger to her, but we haven't been in touch in years. I just wanted her to know how much I love her work. She wrote back, and she said some really lovely stuff - particularly things about how songwriters keep writing and recording when everything seems to be falling through. I think her letter has made me more patient.

It also made me realize that part of my songwriting battle stems from a lack of inspiration. I've got nothing going on that I want to write about. My love life is wicked awesome. I have a steady job. My friends are wonderful. But writing about cheerful things bores my socks off. This gives me even more reason to spend a week or so in Montreal this summer - that city gives me the creative creeps.

The End!

Things are puttering along here. My BH and I are slowly figuring out how to manage his weird overnight shifts with my overtime.

We're both a little out of it though; I already have a sore throat, and he accidentally put bulghur in his tea instead of sugar. I think he only noticed as the tea got thicker and thicker....

Now that I think about it, that's actually pretty funny.

The benefit of having a partner who works nights is when you have a nightmare at 4am, you can text them and they'll be awake and quick to respond. Last night I kept dreaming that an evil corporation was trying to poison me. My BH calmly wrote that nobody is trying to poison me. Sometimes when you're fresh out of a nightmare, you just need someone to point out the obvious.

Today I'm going to a funeral for my friend's mom. I've never been to a funeral that wasn't related to a member of my family - I wonder how it will go. Funerals are strange beasts.

In more cheerful news, my stylist gave me bangs and I don't hate them. I may, however, need to purchase a flat iron. The shorter my hair gets, the more it emulates Shirley Temple. I do not have the patience to "style" anything on my head, but maybe I can commit to a quick iron in the morning.

Hope you are all having a lovely weekend. Tomorrow, I work! Boooo.

I received some news this week. It's both good and bad, but since I've had time to reflect, I'd say it's mostly bad.

I will be working every weekend in February, full shifts, Saturdays and Sundays. This is on top of my 8 - 9 hour daily shifts on weekdays. So, yes, I'm working 34 days in a row, if you do the math with a calender handy.

WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT.

I guess the good news is that I will get assloads of overtime. But at what cost? My mental stability? I had accepted to work weekends because I had been told it would only be for the occasional Sunday. How wrong I was.

When I was a student, I worked three part-time jobs in my last year on top of my full course load. One job was a TA in radio editing. One was at the CBC. One was in government. Jobs that required my actual attention. I was also gigging a fair amount.

I went many months without a real day off, and I survived. But DUDES. I am out of practice. I haven't needed to be a brain-eating zombie in a long time. I've become accustomed to going home and making dinner. I like having these luxurious things called "weekends."

It's especially laughable that I've been turning down gigs because I am "writing an album" this winter. When the fuck am I going to do that, self? Hmmm? Damn good thing I didn't take on any shows, I guess.

Also, I may have to drop out of choir, since I can't actually make any of the rehearsals. That's probably what's making me the most upset. I'm finally in love with choir again. I don't want to stop.

Anyway. For those kind souls about to comment and ask me why I don't just say no, I can assure you... If it wouldn't totally screw over my team and hurt my career, I would. But at this point, it's a short-term pain thing. Luckily, I pretty much adore my co-workers.

In other more hilarious news, this morning Morty mounted my cloth shopping bag on our walk and humped the crap out of it. Since I was holding it at the time, it looked especially strange. And kinda awesome. I don't know what he was thinking... He's not much of a humper.

I successfully distracted him with a tripe cookie.

God I love my insane dog.

Today was one of those funny days. I didn't do much, but it feels like I did a lot. Does that make sense? Probably not.

My BH and I went to Raw Sugar for a mini date. He snapped this picture of the back of my head, which is handy, because now you can see the pink. I think it might actually fade to a light pink before my next appointment, which is cool with me - then it will match some of my wardrobe.



You know. Because I'm terribly concerned with wardrobe matching.

I snapped this picture, which does not include any pink hair. Those are my favourite pears on a table, next to a plate that once held some tasty banana cake.

Work is really wearing me down these days. It's insanely busy, and will continue to be busy for most of the winter. So I was extremely grateful when Milan said I could use his apartment to write songs in while he's numbing his ass on a bus to BC. Thanks Milan! I hope you regain the feeling in your ass soon.

I'm out, lovelies. Enjoy the last week before Christmas!

I went to a work retreat the other day. I think I've vented about these things before... Specifically how the word "retreat" is used to lure you into a false sense of fun. Really, it's just a day spent absorbing office lingo and trying to bond with your co-workers. Total pain in the ass, if you ask me.

I already know I'm not cut out for long-term office work. Any of you who know me personally probably find it surprising I've lasted as long as I have. Come to think of it, you don't even need to know me personally to have figured that out.

I long for more hands-on, creative and flexible work than what I'm doing. But what I'm doing pays the bills. It lets me do music without being flat broke.

At this retreat, we were asked to write up some suggestions to improve some project and help us achieve some abstract goal. I drew a fire-breathing dragon on my little card, and wrote "Sorry, but I've got nothing interesting to say about this."

Later, one of the managers made a speech about horizontal management. My brain interpreted this as a euphemism for sex, and I giggled to myself for half an hour.

You see why I'm not made for this stuff?

As far as I understand it, work retreats are supposed to make you feel part of a team. They are supposed to make you feel like you are doing something useful... Working towards a common goal.... Being productive.

Without fail, however, they make me feel like stabbing myself in the eye just to get out of there. They remind me why I will one day quit. Go back to school, make music my main focus, become a full-time nudist.... Anything but this.

In other news, I got my awesome stylist to dye a section of my hair hot pink. You should see the looks I'm getting at the office. :)