prep.

I spent some time this weekend setting myself up for success.

Last week's eating was completely unplanned, no necessarily totally out of control (only a little), but with no real forethought and no journaling or counting going on.

This cannot continue.

So on Saturday I took some time and portioned out dry oatmeal, ground flaxseed, and raisins into individual baggies, and threw them all in the freezer (to keep the flax fresh). I've realized that I don't get really hungry until I get to work, so a cup of coffee and maybe an apple in the car is all I need. Every morning I'll just grab a baggie and make my oatmeal once I get to work. I'm generally the first to arrive, so it could be a nice relaxing ritual to begin the work day.

This afternoon I made a spinach, basil, and mozzarella frittata and portioned that out for a couple lunches and a dinner. I also cooked up some barilla plus pasta, and steamed some zucchini. Toss in an ounce of goat cheese, mix it all up and, I have the rest of my lunches for the week.

I logged onto sparkpeople for the first time in a long time (so long that my browser history forgot it existed... ahem...not good) and entered in my planned meals for the week. I might not stick to the plan exactly, you know, switch some things in or out, but it's good to know that I have everything I need in the fridge and pantry to have a week of healthy eating.

I go in for the second half of my physical tomorrow afternoon, and then I'll be able to schedule my gym orientation.

Things are rolling along!

it takes a village to feed me.

This afternoon as I lay on my bed, sweat-soaked and green-toed from mowing my lawn, I decided that for dinner I would make chili. And as I rummaged through my cabinets I realized that this meal would be the product of many sources...

Black Beans: I was gifted with a huge can of black beans at a White Elephant party I attended in Brookline, MA a few months ago.

Canned Tomato Paste and Whole Tomatoes: After one of his overly zealous Sam's Club trips, my dad thrust these at me.

Chili Powder: I don't remember if it was my birthday or if he was just feeling especially zesty and generous that day, but Adam gave me a big box of shmancy Penzey's spices last year.

Jalapenos: My botched blood donation yesterday may have resulted in a giant hickey on my inner arm, but I also got a $15 Walmart giftcard out of the deal... and I treated myself to some peppers today.

Fresh Tomatoes: Whatever my little groundhog buddy left me in the garden... he's seriously too cute to get mad at.

Onion, Greek Yogurt, and Blue Corn Chips: Some snazzy extras from the grocery store.

because food isn't the enemy.

My weekend ended a little late...as in, yesterday.

Monday was spent with my parents and aunt and uncle, lolling about and enjoying the sunshine. A blind eye was turned to what I was eating and drinking that day. We made plans to celebrate Julia Child's birthday in a couple weeks by gathering together, and cooking an array of her dishes. I'm not going to worry about food that day either.

Yesterday, the boyfriend came over for dinner and I was feeling rather... Greek. I marinated chicken in yogurt, mint, garlic, oregano and red pepper. Then I chopped up cucumbers into matchsticks and mixed in yogurt, fresh mint and a pinch of cumin. We ate it all with warmed pita and a chilly bottle of white wine.

Here was the real star of the night.


Plum clafouti. Even when I feel Greek, there's still an undercurrent of French.

Notice the geese giving it the glad eye.

It was worth every custardy calorie. I took enjoyment in making it, and in eating it.

I think it's important to remember to not vilify food. I didn't get fat eating food like this. I got fat eating a bag of crackers with butter at 11:30 in front of the TV. Or four hot dogs for lunch instead of one. I want to lose weight, but I don't want to eliminate cooking and eating as sources of real joy in my life.

But we all know it's not that simple. I have yet to find the balance and the inner strength to keep half a clafouti in my fridge and enjoy it in small sensible portions throughout the week (I sent that puppy home with the boyfriend last night... I'm no fool).

Workhorse, simple healthy food has a big place in my life. It's my day-to-day. It's my structure. And I get a different kind of enjoyment from it -- a pleasurable feeling of control.

It's time for me to go cook up a little control.

ahem... the peanut butter won.

OK, I'm just not buying peanut butter anymore.

There are certain foods that I don't have very good self control around, and they're not what you would expect. Triscuits is a good example -- unless I am functioning at 100% willpower levels, I cannot be trusted with a box of Triscuits. I slather Smart Balance on them and go to town.

Is it the same as eating a box of doughnuts? No, but it completely throws off my calories for the day, and it's a surrender to mindless eating.

So yes, peanut butter is now on the hit list.

I woke up thinking that if I fell asleep at 8pm every night I'd be a size 2 -- all my diet sabotage happens in the wee hours. Where does my will power go after 9pm? Do I have to somehow lock my kitchen at night? Or maybe I just need to suck it up and remember that when I lost weight the first time I was occasionally hungry at night and that was that. I felt the hunger and I went to sleep. I need to get back on my game.

daily recap.

The accomplishments today...

*Did 30 minutes on the elliptical in an attempt to calm my nerves...sort of worked, but I was still pretty edgy for the rest of the day.

*Grunted through 100 sit ups.

*Drank lots of water.

*Only half a giant cup of coffee today -- I'm slowly loosening that monkey's grip on my neck... I'll still give him a piggyback ride on a regular basis, but I just need his hold on me to release a little bit.

*Spent the afternoon trying to distract myself from my anxiety by running errands and shopping for a more sporty bathing suit that I can comfortably swim laps in... no luck yet.

*Recognized that hunger is not an emergency while I was shopping, and didn't cave and buy something off-plan while I was out. Instead, I did a quick stop at Trader Joe's and picked up my favorite healthy go-to items, which I know how to portion and track easily. For instance...

• goat cheese
• zucchini (to bulk up pasta sauces)
• high fiber wheat bread
• British muffins
• 0% Greek yogurt
• nonfat cottage cheese
• organic wild blueberries
• wild salmon (frozen)
• 96/4 ground beef
• TJ's low fat chicken soup

I also picked up a flat of organic apricots, which were singing to me. And I decided to try the TJ's Italian Style Turkey Breast cold cuts (because I was feeling the need to freebase some protein) and it was deeelicious.

*Tracked my food

• B'fast: the habitual oatmeal/flax/blueberry
  
• Lunch: whole wheat grilled cheese and a fiber one bar for lunch
• Snack: turkey cold cuts
  
• Dinner: 96/4 burger on a TJ's British muffin and a heaping bowl of zucchini with an eensy bit of goat cheese
• Snack: 2 apricots
  

Total Calories: 1362

*Here's hoping I'm so pooped tonight I pass out nice and early -- I have another interview tomorrow morning and I need to look all fresh and corporate for this one!